I hurt all over but it’s a good kind of hurt. Some people can’t find any light in hurting after work because it’s all that work that made them hurt… but using those same words and tilting the empty glass more towards full- I feel good because my hurt is from all that work. The burn of my muscles and fatigue in my bones in a sign that I did good. Maybe not as good as I could have but I was doing something and that counts.
Speaking of work- I’ve been doing a lot of what might aptly be called work lately. One element of this thought I’ll save for another post but a really big thing is that I’m moving forward with my education. It’s almost painful for me to admit it but I’m not officially a high school graduate yet. Between constantly changing schools, foster care, my own attitude, and the need to focus elsewhere there’s a lot I was left without. Important things I never thought I would miss because in that time of my life I never thought I would live to see the end of my teen years.
It was a plausible belief at the time but with each new day my path changed and when I hit twenty I was left with this sense of still emptiness- there was this huge part of me that came to this sort of cliff within me. Beyond the edge lay every possibility. Where my feet were planted marked what I had so long thought was the edge.
All my life I’ve thought I could reach this point- this pinnacle that would mark the height of my existence and then, just as anti-climatically as it had come it would end. I would reach this point and my everything would be snuffed out before I could even think of placing a toe on the other side of the line but when I hit twenty I stood there, anxiously waiting but desperately hoping nothing would happen because I finally had so much to live for. Loving, smiling, dancing, and writing…
I stood upon that line for several months before something in me finally gave way under the building pressure and then the most amazing thing happened: Life went on. I stood still waiting, frightened, and life moved forward pulling me along for the ride. As the days went on a new feeling began to grow in me, a jittery breathless sort of thing that kept urge me forward, gnashing it’s teeth every time I felt myself unable to do what I need to take another step on that path.
I can’t stand still anymore. I’ve teetered on the edge of that cliff and now gravity is taking me over.
Digressing though…
I’m pursuing my education again. All paths I seek flow from the other end of this one bridge and I can’t not cross it at this point. College is the goal but I have a few more credits- and a few skills, I need yet. Fortunately there’s a program in my area for people in just this situation.
More on that later though, I just realized I need to get ready for more work. Ta~ta~ for now!
erson A: “Wow. I love that flower in your hair. It goes so nicely with the color of your shirt.”
