Written Whispers

I have decided that so far out of the few books I’ve read on the subject that Deng Ming-Dao is my favorite author as far as Taoism goes. I can understand what he’s talking about and I’m constantly finding new ways to apply it all to my life. I find myself remembering little quotes and such more often when I need them. I suppose that’s the point though.

Anyways, I found two Tao teachings/quotes that fit my two main characters in my current project. *big grin* So of course I felt the need to come and share them with you.

The first is titled Smallness. It makes me think of my meeker character Emily.

"You may be capable of great things,
But life consists of small things."

Emily is capable of great things- she just doesn’t really know what great things are. She is often the weakling of the story and she hates being that way. She wants to be able to stand up for herself and protect others.

She sees these as great things, and they are- in a sense. They are great in spirit but not in difficulty like she believes they are.

Little by little (with extra emphasis on little) she starts speaking out and doing what she can. These are small steps but they are still great.

She is the gentle heart of the story.

And the second is titled Chameleon which reminds me my more complex character Hope.

"If I don’t want to be known, I cannot be known.
The best actor can divide role from self.
The best liar can dive truth from falsity."

It never ceases to amaze when I do character exercises for these two how much more I often end up writing for Hope. It’s as if she’s purposely complicated in all ways.

The first line is exactly something I would have her say and it would be the truth. She’s not an outwardly honest person, she won’t divulge anything unless she wants to. There is a large part of her she tries very hard to keep unknown.

She is an actress by nature. She wants to keep the world away from, not to get close to anyone. Even though she is acting though- she’s constantly thinking about who she really is and why she is doing what she does. She does not delude herself.

She has ulterior motives throughout most of the books. She’s not an outright liar but she won’t tell the truth unless she both wants and has to. She is always hiding something, as such she can tell when others are hiding things and blunt as she is she doesn’t hesitate to pull open their chests and reveal the facts in their naked souls.

She is the rebel of the story.

Both passages on these quotes/teachings are separated by a single page with the teachings of Friendship and Bravery on either side. This makes me smile in an odd way I’m sure only I can understand. I do believe I’ve fallen in love with the personal growth of my characters as they progress from one scene to the next.

*giggles suddenly* I suppose this means my characters are Taoists now too? Lol. No, I suppose not but nonetheless I can’t help but smile to think a philosophy I’ve only recently discovered I love and am still learning has helped me create a short and random character sketch of sorts.

I might have to try this with more Tao teachings. I wonder if that would help me understand each even better? As each character is a part of myself… and while I was writing it was the attributes I most identified with that I pulled out of the them for this. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it all. After all I’ve been awake since 10 am yesterday and it’s 8 am today. Maybe I’m just way too interested in the workings of my own mind. Then again, that reminds me of another quote:

"Since we are destined to live out our lives in the prison of our minds, our one duty is to furnish it well"

-Peter Ustinov

Alright. Five posts is entirely enough for one night. I’ve been at it since I got home from work. I guess I just had a lot to say which is good. I’m too full of words on a normal day- it’s nice to release them  back into the universe so I have room for my muse to burrow between my fingers and inside my heart. I wouldn’t want her to get too crowded by all the randomness or memories or just rambling.

Well, before I write anything today I’d just like to share three things with you.

The first is this: I’ve had a very good day today. I felt well physically even though I was in tears from cramps for the better part of an hour and I’ve had the chest pains for the past day or two. -I still feel well somehow. Though in pain I don’t feel sickly.

I only got to sleep a few hours because I had to be up early to go fill out some paper work for the health place and when I got home I didn’t get much sleep before I had to be awake again. Nonetheless I have felt rested today. I had one day off in the long and horrid week though it seems to have been enough.

Nothing overly exciting or extra positive has happened but neither has anything extra negative happened. In all honestly one would think I have no reason to feel any different than I felt the day before. Nothing has changed but I do feel good. I feel wonderful and happy. All my problems still exist, not a one has shrunk or gone away but I’m making peace with them as I do all things eventually. I can’t fight against the natural tides of my life but I can flow with them and what flows does not break. Those are really my only choices in the end of all problems. Flow or break and I refuse to be broken. :)

The second is even more exciting. I bought a new book! *squeal* It’s 365 Tao – Daily Meditations by Deng Ming-Dao. I love it almost a little more than my Tao Te Ching. It’s full of inspirations for the modern day Taoist which really helps me. Tao is undefinable at best, it just is, so it was a little difficult for me to grasp entirely at first even though most of my beliefs and philosophies already coincide. This book is just awesome though. I can understand it, mostly- I still have trouble in some parts where I need to reread and think about it for a moment but I like that. If it’s not making me think then I’m neither progressing in physical mind nor as a spiritual being both of which matter to me greatly.

My favorite passage today (I’m not reading them day by day I just flip around randomly which seems befitting of the whole Tao experience) is labeled Retrospect and it seems quite right that I should find this tidbit enjoyable at this point in my life. It reads:

You could labor ten years under a master
Trying to discern whether the teachings are true,
But all you might learn is this:
One must live one’s own life.

-Deng Ming-Dao

It just makes me smile all over. My face grins, my mind cackles, and my whole spirit dances joyously.

The third but certainly not last thing, since like usual I’ve thought of more but will put it into another post for all your sakes, is about work. Yes, I have something happy to say about work for once.

I’m getting another job!

Maybe. We’ll see. It’s undetermined at this point but I took the first step today, abet on a whim, and grabbed and application for the place down the street for me and asked the person in charge a bunch of questions and it seems like a good shot. I’ve even plotted a bit.

I’m going to keep my old, now horrible, job because it is a security net but if I get this other job then my old one is going to be part time. I’ll keep just enough hours on their busy days but then the rest of the time I’ll work at the other place. I’ll work all the hours they want me. Please remember that I do love to work, I just don’t like how I’m being treated at the old place.

Anyway, I also have a shot at better pay. The place is in walking distance and I already go there all the time. I like the people and the atmosphere is blessedly quiet and peaceable which to me really is more important than the pay. Also, I won’t be doing work that messes with my breathing issues nor my back/lifting issue. Heh, better still I might not have to wash dishes.

Given, I am getting my hopes up and I’ll be sad should it turn out I’m not what they’re looking for or the situation is completely different than what I’ve seen it to be but hoping makes me happy and I won’t fall hard if I get let down so what’s the harm?

Either way it’s up to the tides of the universe whether or not I get the job and whether or not it works out. I’ve laid the first step on the path and now I’ll see it through no matter how short or far it goes. I’ve done my part and now it’s time to be and flow. What happens- happens. So mote it be.

Alright, I was on one of my fave sites (Care2.com) picking out eCards for everyone when I took a glance on the side bar. They have this thing called "Taking Action" where they list off something like ‘eat one vegetarian meal a week’, ‘buy eco friendly products’, or ‘go for a walk’. It’s usually something in relation to green or healthy living. Today though it said something a little different from the usual. I’d love to know what member picked this and thank them for the inspirational thoughts they’ve provoked in me. Thoughts are like my chocolate, I just can’t get enough.

The request for action asked people to: "Be thankful for who you are". I absolutely love that. If you’ve read my last post, or even my last few, you might have noticed I’m a little depressed and changing in a couple of work related ways I’m not fond of but I am still so happy despite what’s going on.

I am thankful every day- not just for the day itself, the people around me, or the good fortune I’ve been blessed with. But I really am thankful for who I am!

When I was fifteen I went through a life changing experience that I couldn’t possibly fit into this single post let alone a thousand. I figured out, at least a tiny bit, who I wanted to be as a person spiritually and mentally and even a little bit with my actions. I started to talk, I walked with my head held high, I made choices (some I shouldn’t have but none that I regret). I even went as far as to change my spiritual name.

So, this is me…

I am a person: an adult’s mind trapped in a child’s form. I am a young lady, a fiance’, daughter, a sister, and a mother of cats. I love to talk, to tell my stories and weave my words. I love to share everything in my head not just for the sake of others but so that I can learn more about myself. That’s a hobby of mine. I love being asked questions and though I may act modest I actually covet any praise placed upon me with great greed.

I am a very nervous person and people scare me but the thing that frightens me most is myself. I am a liar because I can and have lied many a time without remorse. I am often paranoid and I am afraid of my anger because it makes me shaky and I have a tendency to imagine violent things. I am quite and often unwilling to test boundaries until I’m forced to.

I am wild. I love to dance in the rain, my arms outstretched and running in circles. I like to sing songs without words and move without music. I like to tell people that I love them even if they are only friends and acquaintances just because it’s true. I am oddly cultured. I love classical music and really do like the taste of both tofu and soy milk though not in the same meal. I like to dress up when I have no place to, I’ll wear dresses, heels, and earrings just for a night alone eating popcorn on the couch.

I am book smart. I don’t deny it unless someone tells me to my face. I am not street smart though I’d like people to think otherwise. I am naive and wise all in the same step like a grandfather trying to learn how to work the latest computer. I am older than myself but with each year I gain I seem to be becoming more of a child and often fear I’m becoming immature though I know my therapist would say I’m just letting myself be a kid.

I am an internet nerd, completely self taught in web design. I am an anime freak with some other strange but related interests on the side. I am a hard worker but I am also lazy and lacking ambition. I am not as emotional as I desire to be.

I am a contradiction and a paradox and I revel in these facts. I like to confuse people. I am a Wiccan, a true blue believer in Faeries and angels, a Taoist, and something different all together. I believe in things most wouldn’t dare speak of. I am too open sometimes and loyal to a fault. I often try to please too many people to the point of forgetting myself.

I am aware of my spirit and feel that I am something special inside. Sometimes I am afraid I’m deluding myself but I don’t dwell on it. I am a wee bit less on the outside than I would wish to be. I am vain but consciously so- that has to count for something. I am not always a good person and often have my own motives but I try to make up for it with good actions from my motives.

I am not musically talented though I am constantly trying to play instruments and occasionally trying to write music. I am not good at communicating. I am forcing myself to bare my soul on this blog and though it hurts at times I love the rush it gets me. I am a poor speller and a decent writer.

I am not who I used to be. I am a Spirit. I am Feeby.

This is me. Who are you?

This is my Christmas dare: Bare your soul in a post. Think about everything you are. Try not to write what you were and use the present tense. Be bluntly honest with the good and the bad. Write everything thing you can think of but don’t over think it or take more than 10 or 15 minutes. After all no single person can be entirely placed on a page and pinned with mere words. The spirit is too much for that.

Merry Christmas and Yule to all!