Written Whispers

Archive for the ‘Taoism’ Category

Spiraled Thought

June 19th, 2010

2

I hurt all over but it’s a good kind of hurt. Some people can’t find any light in hurting after work because it’s all that work that made them hurt… but using those same words and tilting the empty glass more towards full- I feel good because my hurt is from all that work. The burn of my muscles and fatigue in my bones in a sign that I did good. Maybe not as good as I could have but I was doing something and that counts.

Speaking of work- I’ve been doing a lot of what might aptly be called work lately. One element of this thought I’ll save for another post but a really big thing is that I’m moving forward with my education. It’s almost painful for me to admit it but I’m not officially a high school graduate yet. Between constantly changing schools, foster care, my own attitude, and the need to focus elsewhere there’s a lot I was left without. Important things I never thought I would miss because in that time of my life I never thought I would live to see the end of my teen years.

It was a plausible belief at the time but with each new day my path changed and when I hit twenty I was left with this sense of still emptiness- there was this huge part of me that came to this sort of cliff within me. Beyond the edge lay every possibility. Where my feet were planted marked what I had so long thought was the edge.

All my life I’ve thought I could reach this point- this pinnacle that would mark the height of my existence and then, just as anti-climatically as it had come it would end. I would reach this point and my everything would be snuffed out before I could even think of placing a toe on the other side of the line but when I hit twenty I stood there, anxiously waiting but desperately hoping nothing would happen because I finally had so much to live for. Loving, smiling, dancing, and writing…

I stood upon that line for several months before something in me finally gave way under the building pressure and then the most amazing thing happened: Life went on. I stood still waiting, frightened, and life moved forward pulling me along for the ride. As the days went on a new feeling began to grow in me, a jittery breathless sort of thing that kept urge me forward, gnashing it’s teeth every time I felt myself unable to do what I need to take another step on that path.

I can’t stand still anymore. I’ve teetered on the edge of that cliff and now gravity is taking me over.

Digressing though…

I’m pursuing my education again. All paths I seek flow from the other end of this one bridge and I can’t not cross it at this point. College is the goal but I have a few more credits- and a few skills, I need yet. Fortunately there’s a program in my area for people in just this situation.

More on that later though, I just realized I need to get ready for more work. Ta~ta~ for now!

Falling With Wings

September 24th, 2009

4

Flying is just falling with wings.

The leaps you make and the cliffs you take, it all depends on how you see it when your foot first leaves solid ground.

The thrill of the dive or the fear of the crash?

The burn and roll of air over your shoulders or the tender passion ripping through your every muscle?

The song of adrenalin that thrums through your core or the gut churning flip when the world turns on it’s end?

Flying is just falling with wings.

It’s up to you whether or not you open them and take flight upon the wind.

My Purple Hair And I

March 17th, 2009

4

[Photo in the post before this one.]

Hair dye, tattoos, and piercings- oh my!

-

These words/actions are often grouped together for one reason or another though they are three very different things. Some people think ‘punk’, others ‘teenager’ or ‘immature’. Another group of people think ‘rebel’, ‘wannabe’, or ‘trying to be cool.’ To put it simply the art of body decoration brings out all kinds of different thoughts and feelings though they are usually on one side of the fence or the other. Either it’s a good idea or a bad idea. Either you’re doing it to fit in or break out. Either you’re too young or too old.

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Whatever.

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I have another thought on the matter that I don’t really hear too often but let me back up and explain why I’m even writing about this in the first place. Tattoos have always fascinated me but you can never change them and I don’t do needles- ever. Piercings occasionally make my brain turn but I just don’t do pain- that and I’m notorious for losing jewelry or goodness forbid getting it caught on something. *winces*

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Hair dye on the other hand… In today’s world with the variety of chemical combination your hair can be whatever color(s) you want provided you’re willing to sit through and/or pay for the process. Yes, you can severely damage your hair but 1. it doesnt hurt (unless you’ve done something seriously wrong), 2. shaving your head is easy, and 3. if you’re smart enough to wait at least two or three months before mutilating your hair again you have nothing to worry about.

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Why is this important? Because my hair is now purple.

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Why would I do something like this?

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For spiritual reasons.

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You read that right. I have dyed my hair purple for spiritual reasons. Actually, I went in and had it done at a salon because I’ve never gone a strange color before and I wanted it to look nice especially since I have a job to maintain. Back to the point though, what does this have to do with my spirituality?

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Everything.

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Or it seems like it lately. Let me start from a few paces back. See, I have a lot of health problems. I always have and chances are I always will. It’s just part of my life. Scoliosis, stomach ulcers, asthma (which somehow ties in with the ulcers), low blood sugar, noticeably lazy eye, slight limp, and a tooth that sticks out of my mouth no matter how small smile is. Oh, and let’s not forget periodic but chronic nose bleeds. There is always something wrong with me but I’ve never paid it too much mind before.

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A few years ago there was so much going on and wrong in my life that my health really wasn’t all that… well, it could have been worse. As the years went by and everything has started to come together nicely I’ve had a chance to see how lucky I really am that it ‘isn’t’ worse and I’ve always been very thankful. It’s just.. that these last few months I’ve been complaining more and more about what’s ‘wrong with me’ despite how happy I am and how wonderful my life really is. Yeah, there are still problems but that just makes every other happy moment more beautiful but I’m SO sick of being SICK!

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I digress- normally I’d find a way to get over this either through writing or meditation or talking to that wonderful husband of mine but nothing has really been working. It doesn’t help that more and more often of late I’ve had to deal with people at work blatantly pointing out my flaws. What with my back and hip I can’t carry certain things, with the asthma I can’t run very fast or work around certain cleaners, with my stomach I can’t eat an array of things (I work in a restaurant) which leads to the next series of comments on my weight. All my life people have been saying I’m far too skinny. Either they playfully say they hate me for it, that I’m so lucky, or they ask me if I have anorexia.

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I’m not skinny because I don’t eat, I eat all the time, it runs in my family damn it!

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Back to the point. Again.

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I say spirituality instead of religion for a variety of reasons that I’m not going to go into right now, one of the reasons though is because there is no name for what I am but if someone had to call me something or suggest I follow one philosophy over another it would be Taoism.

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The main concept of Taoism is to just be. If you’re not happy with something then you need to do something about it, complaining does nothing. Either you do, or you do not. There is no halfway. I’ve been complaining this whole time, not about the health problems themselves but about the fact that it’s often what people see me for.

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I’ve never been a vain creature, I didn’t even wear makeup at my own wedding but all these people are starting to make me feel uncomfortable in my own body. They have no right to do that and so I’ve made a decision. I’ve taken control of the situation, gone out and I have done what I felt I needed to do to feel good in this body of mine again. It may only be a shell to house the soft gooey center known as me but it bruises easily so I need to take care that I’m happy with my body so it might be protected from the elements.

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If I’m not happy with my body, a part of myself, then I’m not being me. If I’m not being me then I’m not following my spirituality and that can’t be allowed. So, I went and had my hair dyed purple. How does that fit into everything? Many ways that may only make sense to me, but two more than anything.

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For starters, when I enter a room full of people and they look up and I think about what the first thing they see when they see me is- I think purple hair. I don’t wonder if they see my pale skin or the way I walk or even my tooth when I talk because you might not be able to tell in the picture but my purple is quite neon in normal light. I still shock myself when I walk into the restroom and see my hair out the corner of my eye in the mirror. Sure, they might still see the things that are wrong with me but I no longer feel like that’s their main focus and for me that’s an important thing. Vain I am not, self conscious… very.

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The second reason is slightly more subtle and might be one of those aforementioned things only I can understand. See, I have no control over all these other things that are wrong with my body. I can’t do a single thing about them. I’ve gone to doctors (rarely, but I do) and I follow their instructions but in the end in most cases that’s all that can be done. I can’t change the fact that people are always commenting about what they perceive and I can’t really change what they perceive as far as the grand scale of things goes. I have no control over anything.

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As some of you know I was in a car accident recently, let me tell you- I felt like my body had turned traitor against me. It seemed like everything was malfunctioning at once and there was nothing I could do about it. I went to the emergency room and it made it even more obvious that there was nothing I could do about it. In the past I accepted this, it was the way it was but now… it’s becoming part of my everyday life more and more and shoved in my face more and more.

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I had no control.

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I decided to get my hair dyed. I decided to go some outlandish color. I decided where and when I was going to get it done. I decided not to care when one of my friends dissed it. I decided not to care if people started to stare at me even more despite my shy nature.

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I decided. I gave myself control.

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By making myself happy I’m being me and that’s what matters. :) I think I had another point to make but this post has turned out slightly longer than anticipated and once more I’m the only one still awake in my household. Love and peace to all of you.

NaNo Update #Almost Done (127,357 Words)

November 28th, 2008

2

Good morning!

Yes, it really is morning. Usually I go to bed around six am (because I’m a night shift kind of girl) but tonight I wrote and wrote and wrote until my poor little fingers were so tired and my brain just couldn’t function anymore and I took a fifteen minute nap, then I woke up, turned the laptop back on and decided I was ready for round two. It’s nine in the morning and I still haven’t been to bed and I feel wonderful!

It’s amazing what a good mood can do for you mixed together with lack of sleep and the joy of reaching 127,357 words AND knowing you only have two or three chapters left till the story is actually finished, completed, ended, [inserts other words for 'oh, my gods, I'm almost done!' here].

It’s such a pretty thought, so shiny and tempting that I have no clue what to do with it but run around in circles right now. I was telling my husband last night that I really, honestly, believe I might cry when I finish the book. It’s not an if anymore, it’s a when. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that about one of my longer pieces since I happen to suffer from a chronic case of ADOSSO.

Attention Deficit… Oh, shit! Shiny object! Pardon the curse, lol, it’s something Kei and I came up with together while attempting to get up early the next day after staying up till noon writing (to clarify: we woke up, started writing, and didn’t go to sleep till lunch time the next day) and we were feeling rather goofy and random. To be honest I don’t know why people need drugs, if they’d just deprive themselves of sleep doing something they love, deprive a good friend along with them, then force each other into consciousness the next day they’d be whacked out all the time. I mean, given I’m bound to be cranky when I first wake up but while I’m trying to fall back asleep it’s like the little net that catches all the things I don’t mean to say while I’m awake is damaged. Even better- because of my lack of sleep and recent visit to dreamland my motor skills are generally suffering and sometimes saying a word with more than two syllables is a bit of a challenge… so yeah, I don’t need drugs. I’m weird enough as is.

Anyways back to topic…

Wait.

I had a topic?

Hmm.

Oh yes, finishing my novel. I can no call it a novel without thinking I’m stealing some catch phrase because even at size twelve font I’m numbering at over 500 pages right now. I know I’d be wasting trees if I did it but the urge to print it out when I’m all done just so I can hug the bulk of it is tremendous. Fortunately my husband has talked me into waiting until it’s gone through at least the first edit and then using the ‘CreateSpace’ offer from the NaNo to get a single bound copy for myself and then I can merrily accuse them of killing of innocent trees just so I can hug my novel.

I can hardly believe that the month isn’t even over yet (though I’m glad it’s not), it just seems like this has been the longest month of my entire life. Even thinking back to last years NaNo, it was nothing like this for me. I mean it was still crazy, awesome, inspiring, and finger numbingly wonderful but there is a definite difference. See, last year I used the NaNo as a means of forcing myself back into the writing world. When afraid to walk down the stairs go jump off a cliff so to speak to prove it’ll only hurt if… hmm…. that analogy was in my head and then as I was typing it I lost my train of thought and I can’t remember when I was going.

So, yeah, last year was a reintroduction into what I love, this year I’ve already been baptised so to speak and I’m no longer testing the waters but jumping in and swimming like a fish. I live and breath writing. :) I think it also helps having another writer in the house to compete with, it’s in my nature to try and type faster and hit the word counts faster if I can and if I can’t it gives me something to aim for like a mini game amongst the great challenge.

Even more so was all the encouragement my wonderful Husband keeps giving and his patience in my antics every thirty minutes or so when I busted another thousand out and had to tell him all about it. Both my brothers even helped push me along though I’m not sure they know it. I’ve been posting my latest and greatest word counts on my instant messenger the entire time and little did I know till recently that they were both following along and it surprised me when now and then they’d leave me a little message to go for it and such. It’s kind of cool how even though they don’t get along, or even talk, to each other how they can come together for me on this one thing. It makes smile.

Now for a random page from 365 Tao

“Do your devotions make you happy?
Is your life a joyous song?”

~Deng Ming-Dao

On this page Deng mentions while speaking of spiritual devotion that “it is unfortunate that so much coercion, unhappiness, bitterness, guilt, and fear become wrapped up in spirituality.” He goes on to talk about how being devoted to whatever you consider spiritual in your life, the thing you live for, or whatever churns your soul- it should make you happy and that it should be a celebration not a grudging ritual and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s difficult to explain without typing down what he said here and as my glasses are missing and I’m doing what quoting I am doing most from my head- you’ll just have to settle with my poor explanation.

When I read this earlier, this random page I turned to in a moment of contemplation I had a thought surface brightly in my head like the sun dancing up over the horizon. I wouldn’t call it a strange thought, it has occurred to me more than once but I don’t think it’s a common thought and I’m alright with that.

Writing is my spirituality.

I like to say that I do not have a religion, religion is for those who can name the faith they belong and can read out of the same book as millions of others without knowing the history behind it and follow it- not blindly but more like a sheep follows a flock. I’m not speaking of any one religion just organized religion in general.

To me spirituality is how you express your deepest soul felt feelings, it’s the guidelines you set for yourself, and your point of view in how the universe works. Spirituality is like a snowflake, no two for any two people are alike. Similar maybe but the same? Never because we are all different with different souls that have different needs but I’m ranting so I’ll pull myself back in the direction I was going beforehand.

Writing is my spirituality.

Everything that comes into my soul, my head, my heart. I express it through writing. The universe gives me all these wonders and I give back by writing. I celebrate my life and my happiness or the flip side of the same coin by writing.

Some Tibetan monk goes to his temple every single day, he adorns his robes, and purifies himself.

I sit before the temple of my laptop or notebook every single day, I build my writers nest out of all my favorite blankets, and I clear my mind.

The monk puts his hands together to pray.

I spread my fingers out over the keyboard.

The monk may sings hymns of the joy that his beliefs have brought him.

I dance spontaneously every ten pages.

He will sweep his temple steps in reverence to his place of practice.

I will meticulously pull all the keys off my keyboard and pick out all the cat hair and possibly Chinese food that has fallen beneath them because it is my place of practice and I revere it.

He will sit in silence for hours listening as his god speaks to him through it.

I will listen to my mp3 player for hours listening as random ideas pop into my head with convenient lyrics.

His god will bring him the greatest wisdom he has ever known if he listens with a full heart and an open soul.

My characters will bring me the greatest stories and teach me the greatest morals I have ever known, taking me on adventures I may have never had otherwise through my stories if I listen with a full heart and an open soul.

*grin*

Taoistic Thoughts

October 3rd, 2008

4

I found a new ‘me’ song!

I love music, like writing I’m not entirely sure I could live without a beat behind my mental ears. Now and then I’ll find a song that relates to one of my stories or characters and share it here just because I can and it’s a fun way to discover the finer details about people be they imaginary or not. I also like to find songs that have special meaning to me but I don’t think I’ve ever shared one here before.

The following is called ‘Pure’ by SuperChick (I think that’s how the band name is written) and it’s very fitting to my current mind set. You can listen to the song in the box below, no streaming needed, read the lyrics below. :)

Warning: This is a very scatter brained post.


Pure by SuperChick

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that’s to be found
In life all around

There was a time when I didn’t know how to smile, not with truth between my lips. Before and when I was barely a teenager I saw no reason nor rhyme to my life. I wasn’t looking for one either. I just kept moving forward, one foot in front of the other, not for the sake of continuing on but just to avoid the pain that would come with stopping. I can’t remember my thoughts of the time, my feelings, or dreams. I just remember that one day was no different than the next.

Now, every moment of every day is so different from how it was back then. I’m so filled with thoughts, wants, needs, emotions, and something else that can’t quite be put into words that half the time I’m not sure I how to contain it. Whatever it is it makes me want to dance at random, sing with abandon, and scream in frustration all at the same time. Every single everything is a new everything and because of it I’m a brand new person each and every time my everything changes. I know that makes no sense but that’s alright. I don’t understand it either and that’s what makes it fun, something to keep striving for.

My past is behind me but kept clear in the memories I watch during the present so I might avoid or learn from my mistakes so I might make a better future. Just because certain things are over, what happened happened, and nothing can be changed doesn’t mean the past is carved in granite. I can change the way I look at it and thus change the light my future holds. Through this perception I release all negative feelings towards what has happened. There are things I’m not ready to let go of just yet, but that’s okay too. If I could let go all at once what would be the point of taking this journey?

Pre-Chorus:
This is my prayer without ceasing
The negative releasing
And as I rise above
My burden is easing

I’m so happy right now, it’s difficult to explain it all and how these words mean so much to mean. I want this to last forever though I know I’ll have my down moments but without them those high ones wouldn’t mean a darn thing.

I am no longer who I once was but constantly becoming someone new. I didn’t like who I was at one point in time but now… either because I’m a different person or I have a new way of seeing the world (I’m not honestly sure which) but I like myself a little more now. I don’t always think I’m so great and I like to wallow in my faults but I know I’m getting better and that makes me really happy. The fact that I can say that makes me happier still, that I believe I deserve to be happy and that there’s nothing wrong with it.

(Mmm, carrots and cheesy ranch!)

Chorus:
I bring the pure flow, water around
The rocks of life won’t pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow, water around
The rocks of life won’t pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

Tao is flow. It’s represented by water, by being strong enough to find it’s way through, around, or under anything and flexible enough to accept the changes in it’s course for without these qualities the river just cannot be a river.

No matter what happens I will stand strong and I will flow. I won’t let anything pull me down unless there’s something shiny and rainbow colored at the bottom and then I’m coming right back up again. I might dwell in darkness from time to time but that’s just a part of life and even it has it’s beautiful side. It’s part of the same coin in which we find light on the other side. Without either I wouldn’t be who I am now and that’d make me more than a bit depressed- even if I was surrounded by nothing but good things.

I would have never found my husband without the dark to lead my way.

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where I want to go
The rest will follow

As I’ve said, some darkness is good but right now I’m enjoying my time in the light. I have so many wonderful people who love me and though things have been bad- I know other’s have had it worse. I know those close to me have had it worse for my sake and I thank them from the top to the bottom of my heart for the things they’ve done for me.

Crap happens and those two little words do the fact little justice. I have a lot of fears I’m worried about; people I will someday lose, the knowledge that someday I could once more have everything ripped away, my own faults that hurt me- literally. These things are beyond my control and that scares me more than anything, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder when this wonderful world I’ve so suddenly found myself in is going to crack and splinter back into the nothing I came from.

I’m not sure I’d be able to pull myself out of rubble a second time, I couldn’t do it on my own the fist time and it took a lot of dragging, prying, and bribing just to get me to consider ‘allowing’ myself to be rescued. Nevertheless, with these thoughts and fears swimming in my heart I keep looking forward to the next sunset, the next moonrise, and the next time the rain will come crashing down. I don’t look at every moment as if it were my last but instead- as if it were my first. As if I were a newborn child who knew not the hurts of the world and could only see with their hearts and souls, unbiased by years or society.

I don’t always have the ability to look at things like this but I’m learning. As I take each step on this path I find a brand new brick beneath my foot. If I keep moving, they’ll keep coming. That’s my faith on the matter and should it fail and I find myself falling from my path I know I’ll hit the bottom sooner or later and all that is is a brick of a different texture and color.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that I fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found
The lost will be found

Failure is not failure, it is merely a means of finding one of the many ways one won’t succeed. Each time you fail you’re one chance closer to getting it right and if you fail a whole bunch of times- statistically (if we think in percentages) you’ll succeed a whole lot faster. I know, I’m backwards but honestly if I’m happy then I must be doing something right. Right?

A few years ago I had many questions, things I wanted to know right then and there. Someone had lied to me my entire life and when I found out the world I’d known was turned upside down. I was restless in the unknown and it was more than a little stressful. I felt I needed to know these things.

Time passed and I grew. For many of these questions I still have no answers and if I think on the matter long enough it upsets me- greatly, so I don’t. I acknowledge the fact that there are things I want to know but I also accept the fact that I don’t have the answers or the means of getting them and that the universe will take me where I need to go to find them so long as I keep moving and don’t give up. Eventually I’ll get there.

Things I wished for all my life are mine. Not because I gave up and waited for them to be dropped in my lap but neither because I necessarily deserved them. I just kept moving forward. You can get to the end of any road if you just keep walking it. You can’t get what you want if you stand still. Life is forever moving and that’s something we can all learn from.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

My soul is at ease and I am free

You’d have to read my entire blog, all 200 odd posts, just to scratch the surface as to what these words mean to me. There are a few things I never speak of to anyone because even as a writer I have no words for them. It’s like I have these wings attached to my soul and my physical body is held together with the finest of silver threads. When I’m happy or at the very least- content, these wings open and I feel so full of this weird energy it’s like I’m going to burst at the seems. Like I’ll fall apart in one way but become complete in another. Some of you might get the hidden meaning behind that but if not don’t be concerned. :) It’s just one of those things I think you’d have to be me or very close to me to understand.

Chorus

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