Flowing In The Write Direction

Be warned: This is a happy post made throughout the day. It’s all over the place and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Oh, yes. It’s a long one but the beauty is- I wrote it for myself. Not you. Read if you want, I love sharing.

Today’s goals/thoughts/choices have all been about one thing- this new super goal of mine that can be summed up in four affirmations.

1. To put good into my mind/body/soul.
2. To guide the bad out of myself with knowing intent to do good.
3. To fulfill instead of fill.
4. To flow in the write direction.

I know it sounds complicated but bear with me- I’m a babbler by nature and mind you this isn’t some religion. I don’t do religion, I do what I believe is right for me. I do call myself a Taoist but that, like this, is a philosophy and though I see Tao everywhere (and I bet you all the pennies in my purse the Tao Te Ching has some prose compatible this jazz) that isn’t what inspired this curve in my thought pattern.

1. To put good into my mind/body/soul. The first is pretty straight forward.

Mind: If I choose to read something I need to tell myself why it’s good for me. Why? Because I often find myself gravitating, in my self harmful nature, toward things that will make me feel negative about myself or the past. This happens a lot actually and I need to put a firm foot down and stop it.

Also, I find that in these past few depressive months I’ve been wasting time reading really useless shit. I’m not going to put it another way. It’s as simple as that. When this happens I don’t get anything done and I don’t take anything away from the experience- hours later I look back on what I’ve done throughout the day and I feel useless and empty. There’s no reason for that, so every time I choose to put something into my mind I’m going to tell myself why it’s good for me; it helps me grow, pulls me along my path as a writer, inspires me, teaches me something new, or makes me laugh and give a smile. If I can’t come up with something along those lines then why the hell am I putting it in my head? Isn’t it chaotic enough in there? That’s rewarding a messy roomed child with broken toys.

Body: Likewise, I should stop putting bad stuff in my body- don’t giggle, it’s true. I’ve never been of the habit of putting obviously bad things in my body; never done drugs though I was offered plenty, started drinking during a bad time in life and quit cold turkey 3 years later when the sun came out, I don’t plaster my face with chemicals, quit caffeine 1 1/2 to 2 years ago, and I’ve always had a vague preference for better foods. All the same, my body isn’t doing so good and while I can’t fix it I could certainly do better by it.

I’ve had a stomach condition, think acid reflux on steroids- so bad it causes symptoms akin to asthma, since I was 14. I used to take prescriptions for it until I realized for a third of the people suffering the pills make it worse and I’m one of them so I watch my stress levels and keep mindful of the things I shouldn’t eat… Did you see how I worded that? It’s key. Keep mindful and shouldn’t. This means I know pizza is very bad for me (tomato sauce and grease) but unless my stomach is already acting up I’m not likely to eat it- of course if I’m feeling fine I’m going to eat as much as I can until I do feel terrible. It’s time to stop that.

I’m not going to tell myself no and hold back from the things I like. If I want it I’m going to eat it- simple as that but when presented with choices I’m asking myself what are the goods and bads of what it is. Eat the greasy french fries and dripping burger or the chicken strip sandwich and broccoli soup (today’s dinner)? Oh, and no I’m not trying to lose weight. I want to put on the pounds so this means keeping up with the protein and besides, it’s not just about food. Laying in bed for hours after I’ve woken or get up and move around? Grab some sunshine for a few minutes or continue with what could be hours picking out a new desktop wallpaper?

Soul: Eh, that’s a little harder to explain. In short, I’m going to start listening to the right part of myself. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m listening to the wrong side. I’ve been ‘trained’ to doubt my every thought and emotion so I’ll never truly know but that’s what makes my having faith so powerful. I have faith that listening to things that make me happy is the right thing to do and no matter how much I’ve been told different throughout life… well, I just need to stand firm against those things in my head.

2. To guide the bad out of myself… Through my writing, through talking, through any constructive means. I will make time for the bad/negative/painful bits of me to be expressed. By making time, consciously, for these bits I hope to relieve the pressure inside myself. The anger/depression/hopelessness/past stuff isn’t what really gets me in the end it’s the leaving it there to become stagnant and ill within myself. It’s time to let it all go and it’s not going to happen all at once. There will always be some in there seeing as it’s what has made me who I am but as I take good into myself I am going to let go.

…with knowing intent… Knowing intent alone means one thing. If I’m just bitching to bitch there is no good to come of it. I’m being useless and putting that useless and harmful energy back into the universe. To been needlessly negative makes me feel just as bad as the people I subject to it. It’s time to stop that.

…to do good. It’s a circle. As I take good in and release the bad I need to be able to see where the bad is doing good. Recycling the energy of the universe. Say I write a blog entry on something terrible in my past I need to consciously know that I’m doing good not only by releasing and helping myself to be a better person but perhaps by helping someone else have hope or not feel so alone.

3. To fulfill instead of fill. It’s like I tell the girls at work, don’t bother if you’re not going to bother. Why even start to clean the floor if you’re not going to clean the whole thing right? Not the best example but it’s late so bear with me. If I eat I should taste the food, smell it. Don’t just mindlessly eat to fill my stomach. Eat to experience eating and fill a need. If I read something I shouldn’t just see the words I should think about them too. Turn it into an experience, relate, pull it inwards. When I walk I should feel my legs moving, think about the air coming into my lungs. Bring the event into myself.

It’s complicated to word it down and I’m sure I’ve hardly scratched my own understanding but to sum it up: don’t just just anything. Notice it, be it, feel it. Turn the autopilot off.

4. To flow in the write direction. Short and simple the affirmation that fills me completely. My spiritual needs are thus: to do what is right for me, what makes me happy, to feel connected. In my mind the greatest way to celebrate oneself and be at their most spiritually is to breath. To take in and give out. To express. To recycle the universe through ourselves. We all do this in one way or another.

Mine is writing.

I take the world into me and I ink it back out. When I’m depressed/negative/hurt/angry I’m not doing this very well or productively. So, from now on as I work to knowingly guide myself toward what is good so to will I guide myself toward what betters me as a writer. Lots more reading, lots less staring at the computer screen, lots more living and making experiences to write about, and whole a lot more devotion to completing things. Writing is my breath. It’s how I celebrate, how I give back, and how I intend to live.

That is how I will be and flow in the write direction.

Once again note- not a religion. Just my thoughts and I. I don’t promise myself overnight changes. I don’t intend to give anything up but each time I make a choice I’m going to remember what I need- not only for myself but for my writing. The two are one. To produce a better me is to produce a better writer.

It’s time to walk out of this dark cloud and let the sun shine on, darling.

[I also owe it to myself to learn better comma control and how to spell consciously without use of the spell check.]

Spiraled Thought

I hurt all over but it’s a good kind of hurt. Some people can’t find any light in hurting after work because it’s all that work that made them hurt… but using those same words and tilting the empty glass more towards full- I feel good because my hurt is from all that work. The burn of my muscles and fatigue in my bones in a sign that I did good. Maybe not as good as I could have but I was doing something and that counts.

Speaking of work- I’ve been doing a lot of what might aptly be called work lately. One element of this thought I’ll save for another post but a really big thing is that I’m moving forward with my education. It’s almost painful for me to admit it but I’m not officially a high school graduate yet. Between constantly changing schools, foster care, my own attitude, and the need to focus elsewhere there’s a lot I was left without. Important things I never thought I would miss because in that time of my life I never thought I would live to see the end of my teen years.

It was a plausible belief at the time but with each new day my path changed and when I hit twenty I was left with this sense of still emptiness- there was this huge part of me that came to this sort of cliff within me. Beyond the edge lay every possibility. Where my feet were planted marked what I had so long thought was the edge.

All my life I’ve thought I could reach this point- this pinnacle that would mark the height of my existence and then, just as anti-climatically as it had come it would end. I would reach this point and my everything would be snuffed out before I could even think of placing a toe on the other side of the line but when I hit twenty I stood there, anxiously waiting but desperately hoping nothing would happen because I finally had so much to live for. Loving, smiling, dancing, and writing…

I stood upon that line for several months before something in me finally gave way under the building pressure and then the most amazing thing happened: Life went on. I stood still waiting, frightened, and life moved forward pulling me along for the ride. As the days went on a new feeling began to grow in me, a jittery breathless sort of thing that kept urge me forward, gnashing it’s teeth every time I felt myself unable to do what I need to take another step on that path.

I can’t stand still anymore. I’ve teetered on the edge of that cliff and now gravity is taking me over.

Digressing though…

I’m pursuing my education again. All paths I seek flow from the other end of this one bridge and I can’t not cross it at this point. College is the goal but I have a few more credits- and a few skills, I need yet. Fortunately there’s a program in my area for people in just this situation.

More on that later though, I just realized I need to get ready for more work. Ta~ta~ for now!

My Purple Hair And I

[Photo in the post before this one.]

Hair dye, tattoos, and piercings- oh my!

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These words/actions are often grouped together for one reason or another though they are three very different things. Some people think ‘punk’, others ‘teenager’ or ‘immature’. Another group of people think ‘rebel’, ‘wannabe’, or ‘trying to be cool.’ To put it simply the art of body decoration brings out all kinds of different thoughts and feelings though they are usually on one side of the fence or the other. Either it’s a good idea or a bad idea. Either you’re doing it to fit in or break out. Either you’re too young or too old.

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Whatever.

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I have another thought on the matter that I don’t really hear too often but let me back up and explain why I’m even writing about this in the first place. Tattoos have always fascinated me but you can never change them and I don’t do needles- ever. Piercings occasionally make my brain turn but I just don’t do pain- that and I’m notorious for losing jewelry or goodness forbid getting it caught on something. *winces*

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Hair dye on the other hand… In today’s world with the variety of chemical combination your hair can be whatever color(s) you want provided you’re willing to sit through and/or pay for the process. Yes, you can severely damage your hair but 1. it doesnt hurt (unless you’ve done something seriously wrong), 2. shaving your head is easy, and 3. if you’re smart enough to wait at least two or three months before mutilating your hair again you have nothing to worry about.

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Why is this important? Because my hair is now purple.

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Why would I do something like this?

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For spiritual reasons.

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You read that right. I have dyed my hair purple for spiritual reasons. Actually, I went in and had it done at a salon because I’ve never gone a strange color before and I wanted it to look nice especially since I have a job to maintain. Back to the point though, what does this have to do with my spirituality?

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Everything.

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Or it seems like it lately. Let me start from a few paces back. See, I have a lot of health problems. I always have and chances are I always will. It’s just part of my life. Scoliosis, stomach ulcers, asthma (which somehow ties in with the ulcers), low blood sugar, noticeably lazy eye, slight limp, and a tooth that sticks out of my mouth no matter how small smile is. Oh, and let’s not forget periodic but chronic nose bleeds. There is always something wrong with me but I’ve never paid it too much mind before.

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A few years ago there was so much going on and wrong in my life that my health really wasn’t all that… well, it could have been worse. As the years went by and everything has started to come together nicely I’ve had a chance to see how lucky I really am that it ‘isn’t’ worse and I’ve always been very thankful. It’s just.. that these last few months I’ve been complaining more and more about what’s ‘wrong with me’ despite how happy I am and how wonderful my life really is. Yeah, there are still problems but that just makes every other happy moment more beautiful but I’m SO sick of being SICK!

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I digress- normally I’d find a way to get over this either through writing or meditation or talking to that wonderful husband of mine but nothing has really been working. It doesn’t help that more and more often of late I’ve had to deal with people at work blatantly pointing out my flaws. What with my back and hip I can’t carry certain things, with the asthma I can’t run very fast or work around certain cleaners, with my stomach I can’t eat an array of things (I work in a restaurant) which leads to the next series of comments on my weight. All my life people have been saying I’m far too skinny. Either they playfully say they hate me for it, that I’m so lucky, or they ask me if I have anorexia.

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I’m not skinny because I don’t eat, I eat all the time, it runs in my family damn it!

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Back to the point. Again.

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I say spirituality instead of religion for a variety of reasons that I’m not going to go into right now, one of the reasons though is because there is no name for what I am but if someone had to call me something or suggest I follow one philosophy over another it would be Taoism.

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The main concept of Taoism is to just be. If you’re not happy with something then you need to do something about it, complaining does nothing. Either you do, or you do not. There is no halfway. I’ve been complaining this whole time, not about the health problems themselves but about the fact that it’s often what people see me for.

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I’ve never been a vain creature, I didn’t even wear makeup at my own wedding but all these people are starting to make me feel uncomfortable in my own body. They have no right to do that and so I’ve made a decision. I’ve taken control of the situation, gone out and I have done what I felt I needed to do to feel good in this body of mine again. It may only be a shell to house the soft gooey center known as me but it bruises easily so I need to take care that I’m happy with my body so it might be protected from the elements.

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If I’m not happy with my body, a part of myself, then I’m not being me. If I’m not being me then I’m not following my spirituality and that can’t be allowed. So, I went and had my hair dyed purple. How does that fit into everything? Many ways that may only make sense to me, but two more than anything.

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For starters, when I enter a room full of people and they look up and I think about what the first thing they see when they see me is- I think purple hair. I don’t wonder if they see my pale skin or the way I walk or even my tooth when I talk because you might not be able to tell in the picture but my purple is quite neon in normal light. I still shock myself when I walk into the restroom and see my hair out the corner of my eye in the mirror. Sure, they might still see the things that are wrong with me but I no longer feel like that’s their main focus and for me that’s an important thing. Vain I am not, self conscious… very.

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The second reason is slightly more subtle and might be one of those aforementioned things only I can understand. See, I have no control over all these other things that are wrong with my body. I can’t do a single thing about them. I’ve gone to doctors (rarely, but I do) and I follow their instructions but in the end in most cases that’s all that can be done. I can’t change the fact that people are always commenting about what they perceive and I can’t really change what they perceive as far as the grand scale of things goes. I have no control over anything.

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As some of you know I was in a car accident recently, let me tell you- I felt like my body had turned traitor against me. It seemed like everything was malfunctioning at once and there was nothing I could do about it. I went to the emergency room and it made it even more obvious that there was nothing I could do about it. In the past I accepted this, it was the way it was but now… it’s becoming part of my everyday life more and more and shoved in my face more and more.

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I had no control.

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I decided to get my hair dyed. I decided to go some outlandish color. I decided where and when I was going to get it done. I decided not to care when one of my friends dissed it. I decided not to care if people started to stare at me even more despite my shy nature.

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I decided. I gave myself control.

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By making myself happy I’m being me and that’s what matters. :) I think I had another point to make but this post has turned out slightly longer than anticipated and once more I’m the only one still awake in my household. Love and peace to all of you.