Taoism « Written Whispers

Archive for the ‘Taoism’ Category

In Firelight

October 9th, 2010

2

Temple moths bravedancing firelight and filtered shadows between eaves
hawk like in their rain drop world

Daring wing tips turned up against the edge of night
to slice through perfumed currents

Breaking only to rest against the home warmth
listening to the river song in their air

Strong enough to carry the universe
and gentle still to lull the dragon’s sleep

Peaceful in epic wonderment
the threads of the universe collecting in thrice silken webs

Before parting again to take flight on dust glittered wings

- To Casey for sharing his musings

Flowing In The Write Direction

October 6th, 2010

Be warned: This is a happy post made throughout the day. It’s all over the place and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Oh, yes. It’s a long one but the beauty is- I wrote it for myself. Not you. Read if you want, I love sharing.

Today’s goals/thoughts/choices have all been about one thing- this new super goal of mine that can be summed up in four affirmations.

To put good into my mind/body/soul.
To guide the bad out of myself with knowing intent to do good.
To fulfill instead of fill.
To flow in the write direction.

I know it sounds complicated but bear with me- I’m a babbler by nature and mind you this isn’t some religion. I don’t do religion, I do what I believe is right for me. I do call myself a Taoist but that, like this, is a philosophy and though I see Tao everywhere (and I bet you all the pennies in my purse the Tao Te Ching has some prose compatible this jazz) that isn’t what inspired this curve in my thought pattern.

1. To put good into my mind/body/soul. The first is pretty straight forward.

Mind: If I choose to read something I need to tell myself why it’s good for me. Why? Because I often find myself gravitating, in my self harmful nature, toward things that will make me feel negative about myself or the past. This happens a lot actually and I need to put a firm foot down and stop it.

Also, I find that in these past few depressive months I’ve been wasting time reading really useless shit. I’m not going to put it another way. It’s as simple as that. When this happens I don’t get anything done and I don’t take anything away from the experience- hours later I look back on what I’ve done throughout the day and I feel useless and empty. There’s no reason for that, so every time I choose to put something into my mind I’m going to tell myself why it’s good for me; it helps me grow, pulls me along my path as a writer, inspires me, teaches me something new, or makes me laugh and give a smile. If I can’t come up with something along those lines then why the hell am I putting it in my head? Isn’t it chaotic enough in there? That’s rewarding a messy roomed child with broken toys.

Body: Likewise, I should stop putting bad stuff in my body- don’t giggle, it’s true. I’ve never been of the habit of putting obviously bad things in my body; never done drugs though I was offered plenty, started drinking during a bad time in life and quit cold turkey 3 years later when the sun came out, I don’t plaster my face with chemicals, quit caffeine 1 1/2 to 2 years ago, and I’ve always had a vague preference for better foods. All the same, my body isn’t doing so good and while I can’t fix it I could certainly do better by it.

I’ve had a stomach condition, think acid reflux on steroids- so bad it causes symptoms akin to asthma, since I was 14. I used to take prescriptions for it until I realized for a third of the people suffering the pills make it worse and I’m one of them so I watch my stress levels and keep mindful of the things I shouldn’t eat… Did you see how I worded that? It’s key. Keep mindful and shouldn’t. This means I know pizza is very bad for me (tomato sauce and grease) but unless my stomach is already acting up I’m not likely to eat it- of course if I’m feeling fine I’m going to eat as much as I can until I do feel terrible. It’s time to stop that.

I’m not going to tell myself no and hold back from the things I like. If I want it I’m going to eat it- simple as that but when presented with choices I’m asking myself what are the goods and bads of what it is. Eat the greasy french fries and dripping burger or the chicken strip sandwich and broccoli soup (today’s dinner)? Oh, and no I’m not trying to lose weight. I want to put on the pounds so this means keeping up with the protein and besides, it’s not just about food. Laying in bed for hours after I’ve woken or get up and move around? Grab some sunshine for a few minutes or continue with what could be hours picking out a new desktop wallpaper?

Soul: Eh, that’s a little harder to explain. In short, I’m going to start listening to the right part of myself. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m listening to the wrong side. I’ve been ‘trained’ to doubt my every thought and emotion so I’ll never truly know but that’s what makes my having faith so powerful. I have faith that listening to things that make me happy is the right thing to do and no matter how much I’ve been told different throughout life… well, I just need to stand firm against those things in my head.

2. To guide the bad out of myself… Through my writing, through talking, through any constructive means. I will make time for the bad/negative/painful bits of me to be expressed. By making time, consciously, for these bits I hope to relieve the pressure inside myself. The anger/depression/hopelessness/past stuff isn’t what really gets me in the end it’s the leaving it there to become stagnant and ill within myself. It’s time to let it all go and it’s not going to happen all at once. There will always be some in there seeing as it’s what has made me who I am but as I take good into myself I am going to let go.

…with knowing intent… Knowing intent alone means one thing. If I’m just bitching to bitch there is no good to come of it. I’m being useless and putting that useless and harmful energy back into the universe. To been needlessly negative makes me feel just as bad as the people I subject to it. It’s time to stop that.

…to do good. It’s a circle. As I take good in and release the bad I need to be able to see where the bad is doing good. Recycling the energy of the universe. Say I write a blog entry on something terrible in my past I need to consciously know that I’m doing good not only by releasing and helping myself to be a better person but perhaps by helping someone else have hope or not feel so alone.

3. To fulfill instead of fill. It’s like I tell the girls at work, don’t bother if you’re not going to bother. Why even start to clean the floor if you’re not going to clean the whole thing right? Not the best example but it’s late so bear with me. If I eat I should taste the food, smell it. Don’t just mindlessly eat to fill my stomach. Eat to experience eating and fill a need. If I read something I shouldn’t just see the words I should think about them too. Turn it into an experience, relate, pull it inwards. When I walk I should feel my legs moving, think about the air coming into my lungs. Bring the event into myself.

It’s complicated to word it down and I’m sure I’ve hardly scratched my own understanding but to sum it up: don’t just just anything. Notice it, be it, feel it. Turn the autopilot off.

4. To flow in the write direction. Short and simple the affirmation that fills me completely. My spiritual needs are thus: to do what is right for me, what makes me happy, to feel connected. In my mind the greatest way to celebrate oneself and be at their most spiritually is to breath. To take in and give out. To express. To recycle the universe through ourselves. We all do this in one way or another.

Mine is writing.

I take the world into me and I ink it back out. When I’m depressed/negative/hurt/angry I’m not doing this very well or productively. So, from now on as I work to knowingly guide myself toward what is good so to will I guide myself toward what betters me as a writer. Lots more reading, lots less staring at the computer screen, lots more living and making experiences to write about, and whole a lot more devotion to completing things. Writing is my breath. It’s how I celebrate, how I give back, and how I intend to live.

That is how I will be and flow in the write direction.

Once again note- not a religion. Just my thoughts and I. I don’t promise myself overnight changes. I don’t intend to give anything up but each time I make a choice I’m going to remember what I need- not only for myself but for my writing. The two are one. To produce a better me is to produce a better writer.

It’s time to walk out of this dark cloud and let the sun shine on, darling.

[I also owe it to myself to learn better comma control and how to spell consciously without use of the spell check.]

Spiraled Thought

June 19th, 2010

2

I hurt all over but it’s a good kind of hurt. Some people can’t find any light in hurting after work because it’s all that work that made them hurt… but using those same words and tilting the empty glass more towards full- I feel good because my hurt is from all that work. The burn of my muscles and fatigue in my bones in a sign that I did good. Maybe not as good as I could have but I was doing something and that counts.

Speaking of work- I’ve been doing a lot of what might aptly be called work lately. One element of this thought I’ll save for another post but a really big thing is that I’m moving forward with my education. It’s almost painful for me to admit it but I’m not officially a high school graduate yet. Between constantly changing schools, foster care, my own attitude, and the need to focus elsewhere there’s a lot I was left without. Important things I never thought I would miss because in that time of my life I never thought I would live to see the end of my teen years.

It was a plausible belief at the time but with each new day my path changed and when I hit twenty I was left with this sense of still emptiness- there was this huge part of me that came to this sort of cliff within me. Beyond the edge lay every possibility. Where my feet were planted marked what I had so long thought was the edge.

All my life I’ve thought I could reach this point- this pinnacle that would mark the height of my existence and then, just as anti-climatically as it had come it would end. I would reach this point and my everything would be snuffed out before I could even think of placing a toe on the other side of the line but when I hit twenty I stood there, anxiously waiting but desperately hoping nothing would happen because I finally had so much to live for. Loving, smiling, dancing, and writing…

I stood upon that line for several months before something in me finally gave way under the building pressure and then the most amazing thing happened: Life went on. I stood still waiting, frightened, and life moved forward pulling me along for the ride. As the days went on a new feeling began to grow in me, a jittery breathless sort of thing that kept urge me forward, gnashing it’s teeth every time I felt myself unable to do what I need to take another step on that path.

I can’t stand still anymore. I’ve teetered on the edge of that cliff and now gravity is taking me over.

Digressing though…

I’m pursuing my education again. All paths I seek flow from the other end of this one bridge and I can’t not cross it at this point. College is the goal but I have a few more credits- and a few skills, I need yet. Fortunately there’s a program in my area for people in just this situation.

More on that later though, I just realized I need to get ready for more work. Ta~ta~ for now!

Falling With Wings

September 24th, 2009

4

Flying is just falling with wings.

The leaps you make and the cliffs you take, it all depends on how you see it when your foot first leaves solid ground.

The thrill of the dive or the fear of the crash?

The burn and roll of air over your shoulders or the tender passion ripping through your every muscle?

The song of adrenalin that thrums through your core or the gut churning flip when the world turns on it’s end?

Flying is just falling with wings.

It’s up to you whether or not you open them and take flight upon the wind.

My Purple Hair And I

March 17th, 2009

4

[Photo in the post before this one.]

Hair dye, tattoos, and piercings- oh my!

These words/actions are often grouped together for one reason or another though they are three very different things. Some people think ‘punk’, others ‘teenager’ or ‘immature’. Another group of people think ‘rebel’, ‘wannabe’, or ‘trying to be cool.’ To put it simply the art of body decoration brings out all kinds of different thoughts and feelings though they are usually on one side of the fence or the other. Either it’s a good idea or a bad idea. Either you’re doing it to fit in or break out. Either you’re too young or too old.

Whatever.

I have another thought on the matter that I don’t really hear too often but let me back up and explain why I’m even writing about this in the first place. Tattoos have always fascinated me but you can never change them and I don’t do needles- ever. Piercings occasionally make my brain turn but I just don’t do pain- that and I’m notorious for losing jewelry or goodness forbid getting it caught on something. *winces*

Hair dye on the other hand… In today’s world with the variety of chemical combination your hair can be whatever color(s) you want provided you’re willing to sit through and/or pay for the process. Yes, you can severely damage your hair but 1. it doesnt hurt (unless you’ve done something seriously wrong), 2. shaving your head is easy, and 3. if you’re smart enough to wait at least two or three months before mutilating your hair again you have nothing to worry about.

Why is this important? Because my hair is now purple.

Why would I do something like this?

For spiritual reasons.

You read that right. I have dyed my hair purple for spiritual reasons. Actually, I went in and had it done at a salon because I’ve never gone a strange color before and I wanted it to look nice especially since I have a job to maintain. Back to the point though, what does this have to do with my spirituality?

Everything.

Or it seems like it lately. Let me start from a few paces back. See, I have a lot of health problems. I always have and chances are I always will. It’s just part of my life. Scoliosis, stomach ulcers, asthma (which somehow ties in with the ulcers), low blood sugar, noticeably lazy eye, slight limp, and a tooth that sticks out of my mouth no matter how small smile is. Oh, and let’s not forget periodic but chronic nose bleeds. There is always something wrong with me but I’ve never paid it too much mind before.

A few years ago there was so much going on and wrong in my life that my health really wasn’t all that… well, it could have been worse. As the years went by and everything has started to come together nicely I’ve had a chance to see how lucky I really am that it ‘isn’t’ worse and I’ve always been very thankful. It’s just.. that these last few months I’ve been complaining more and more about what’s ‘wrong with me’ despite how happy I am and how wonderful my life really is. Yeah, there are still problems but that just makes every other happy moment more beautiful but I’m SO sick of being SICK!

I digress- normally I’d find a way to get over this either through writing or meditation or talking to that wonderful husband of mine but nothing has really been working. It doesn’t help that more and more often of late I’ve had to deal with people at work blatantly pointing out my flaws. What with my back and hip I can’t carry certain things, with the asthma I can’t run very fast or work around certain cleaners, with my stomach I can’t eat an array of things (I work in a restaurant) which leads to the next series of comments on my weight. All my life people have been saying I’m far too skinny. Either they playfully say they hate me for it, that I’m so lucky, or they ask me if I have anorexia.

I’m not skinny because I don’t eat, I eat all the time, it runs in my family damn it!

Back to the point. Again.

I say spirituality instead of religion for a variety of reasons that I’m not going to go into right now, one of the reasons though is because there is no name for what I am but if someone had to call me something or suggest I follow one philosophy over another it would be Taoism.

The main concept of Taoism is to just be. If you’re not happy with something then you need to do something about it, complaining does nothing. Either you do, or you do not. There is no halfway. I’ve been complaining this whole time, not about the health problems themselves but about the fact that it’s often what people see me for.

I’ve never been a vain creature, I didn’t even wear makeup at my own wedding but all these people are starting to make me feel uncomfortable in my own body. They have no right to do that and so I’ve made a decision. I’ve taken control of the situation, gone out and I have done what I felt I needed to do to feel good in this body of mine again. It may only be a shell to house the soft gooey center known as me but it bruises easily so I need to take care that I’m happy with my body so it might be protected from the elements.

If I’m not happy with my body, a part of myself, then I’m not being me. If I’m not being me then I’m not following my spirituality and that can’t be allowed. So, I went and had my hair dyed purple. How does that fit into everything? Many ways that may only make sense to me, but two more than anything.

For starters, when I enter a room full of people and they look up and I think about what the first thing they see when they see me is- I think purple hair. I don’t wonder if they see my pale skin or the way I walk or even my tooth when I talk because you might not be able to tell in the picture but my purple is quite neon in normal light. I still shock myself when I walk into the restroom and see my hair out the corner of my eye in the mirror. Sure, they might still see the things that are wrong with me but I no longer feel like that’s their main focus and for me that’s an important thing. Vain I am not, self conscious… very.

The second reason is slightly more subtle and might be one of those aforementioned things only I can understand. See, I have no control over all these other things that are wrong with my body. I can’t do a single thing about them. I’ve gone to doctors (rarely, but I do) and I follow their instructions but in the end in most cases that’s all that can be done. I can’t change the fact that people are always commenting about what they perceive and I can’t really change what they perceive as far as the grand scale of things goes. I have no control over anything.

As some of you know I was in a car accident recently, let me tell you- I felt like my body had turned traitor against me. It seemed like everything was malfunctioning at once and there was nothing I could do about it. I went to the emergency room and it made it even more obvious that there was nothing I could do about it. In the past I accepted this, it was the way it was but now… it’s becoming part of my everyday life more and more and shoved in my face more and more.

I had no control.

I decided to get my hair dyed. I decided to go some outlandish color. I decided where and when I was going to get it done. I decided not to care when one of my friends dissed it. I decided not to care if people started to stare at me even more despite my shy nature.

I decided. I gave myself control.

By making myself happy I’m being me and that’s what matters. :) I think I had another point to make but this post has turned out slightly longer than anticipated and once more I’m the only one still awake in my household. Love and peace to all of you.

NaNo Update #Almost Done (127,357 Words)

November 28th, 2008

2

Good morning!

Yes, it really is morning. Usually I go to bed around six am (because I’m a night shift kind of girl) but tonight I wrote and wrote and wrote until my poor little fingers were so tired and my brain just couldn’t function anymore and I took a fifteen minute nap, then I woke up, turned the laptop back on and decided I was ready for round two. It’s nine in the morning and I still haven’t been to bed and I feel wonderful!

It’s amazing what a good mood can do for you mixed together with lack of sleep and the joy of reaching 127,357 words AND knowing you only have two or three chapters left till the story is actually finished, completed, ended, [inserts other words for 'oh, my gods, I'm almost done!' here].

It’s such a pretty thought, so shiny and tempting that I have no clue what to do with it but run around in circles right now. I was telling my husband last night that I really, honestly, believe I might cry when I finish the book. It’s not an if anymore, it’s a when. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that about one of my longer pieces since I happen to suffer from a chronic case of ADOSSO.

Attention Deficit… Oh, shit! Shiny object! Pardon the curse, lol, it’s something Kei and I came up with together while attempting to get up early the next day after staying up till noon writing (to clarify: we woke up, started writing, and didn’t go to sleep till lunch time the next day) and we were feeling rather goofy and random. To be honest I don’t know why people need drugs, if they’d just deprive themselves of sleep doing something they love, deprive a good friend along with them, then force each other into consciousness the next day they’d be whacked out all the time. I mean, given I’m bound to be cranky when I first wake up but while I’m trying to fall back asleep it’s like the little net that catches all the things I don’t mean to say while I’m awake is damaged. Even better- because of my lack of sleep and recent visit to dreamland my motor skills are generally suffering and sometimes saying a word with more than two syllables is a bit of a challenge… so yeah, I don’t need drugs. I’m weird enough as is.

Anyways back to topic…

Wait.

I had a topic?

Hmm.

Oh yes, finishing my novel. I can no call it a novel without thinking I’m stealing some catch phrase because even at size twelve font I’m numbering at over 500 pages right now. I know I’d be wasting trees if I did it but the urge to print it out when I’m all done just so I can hug the bulk of it is tremendous. Fortunately my husband has talked me into waiting until it’s gone through at least the first edit and then using the ‘CreateSpace’ offer from the NaNo to get a single bound copy for myself and then I can merrily accuse them of killing of innocent trees just so I can hug my novel.

I can hardly believe that the month isn’t even over yet (though I’m glad it’s not), it just seems like this has been the longest month of my entire life. Even thinking back to last years NaNo, it was nothing like this for me. I mean it was still crazy, awesome, inspiring, and finger numbingly wonderful but there is a definite difference. See, last year I used the NaNo as a means of forcing myself back into the writing world. When afraid to walk down the stairs go jump off a cliff so to speak to prove it’ll only hurt if… hmm…. that analogy was in my head and then as I was typing it I lost my train of thought and I can’t remember when I was going.

So, yeah, last year was a reintroduction into what I love, this year I’ve already been baptised so to speak and I’m no longer testing the waters but jumping in and swimming like a fish. I live and breath writing. :) I think it also helps having another writer in the house to compete with, it’s in my nature to try and type faster and hit the word counts faster if I can and if I can’t it gives me something to aim for like a mini game amongst the great challenge.

Even more so was all the encouragement my wonderful Husband keeps giving and his patience in my antics every thirty minutes or so when I busted another thousand out and had to tell him all about it. Both my brothers even helped push me along though I’m not sure they know it. I’ve been posting my latest and greatest word counts on my instant messenger the entire time and little did I know till recently that they were both following along and it surprised me when now and then they’d leave me a little message to go for it and such. It’s kind of cool how even though they don’t get along, or even talk, to each other how they can come together for me on this one thing. It makes smile.

Now for a random page from 365 Tao

“Do your devotions make you happy?
Is your life a joyous song?”

~Deng Ming-Dao

On this page Deng mentions while speaking of spiritual devotion that “it is unfortunate that so much coercion, unhappiness, bitterness, guilt, and fear become wrapped up in spirituality.” He goes on to talk about how being devoted to whatever you consider spiritual in your life, the thing you live for, or whatever churns your soul- it should make you happy and that it should be a celebration not a grudging ritual and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s difficult to explain without typing down what he said here and as my glasses are missing and I’m doing what quoting I am doing most from my head- you’ll just have to settle with my poor explanation.

When I read this earlier, this random page I turned to in a moment of contemplation I had a thought surface brightly in my head like the sun dancing up over the horizon. I wouldn’t call it a strange thought, it has occurred to me more than once but I don’t think it’s a common thought and I’m alright with that.

Writing is my spirituality.

I like to say that I do not have a religion, religion is for those who can name the faith they belong and can read out of the same book as millions of others without knowing the history behind it and follow it- not blindly but more like a sheep follows a flock. I’m not speaking of any one religion just organized religion in general.

To me spirituality is how you express your deepest soul felt feelings, it’s the guidelines you set for yourself, and your point of view in how the universe works. Spirituality is like a snowflake, no two for any two people are alike. Similar maybe but the same? Never because we are all different with different souls that have different needs but I’m ranting so I’ll pull myself back in the direction I was going beforehand.

Writing is my spirituality.

Everything that comes into my soul, my head, my heart. I express it through writing. The universe gives me all these wonders and I give back by writing. I celebrate my life and my happiness or the flip side of the same coin by writing.

Some Tibetan monk goes to his temple every single day, he adorns his robes, and purifies himself.

I sit before the temple of my laptop or notebook every single day, I build my writers nest out of all my favorite blankets, and I clear my mind.

The monk puts his hands together to pray.

I spread my fingers out over the keyboard.

The monk may sings hymns of the joy that his beliefs have brought him.

I dance spontaneously every ten pages.

He will sweep his temple steps in reverence to his place of practice.

I will meticulously pull all the keys off my keyboard and pick out all the cat hair and possibly Chinese food that has fallen beneath them because it is my place of practice and I revere it.

He will sit in silence for hours listening as his god speaks to him through it.

I will listen to my mp3 player for hours listening as random ideas pop into my head with convenient lyrics.

His god will bring him the greatest wisdom he has ever known if he listens with a full heart and an open soul.

My characters will bring me the greatest stories and teach me the greatest morals I have ever known, taking me on adventures I may have never had otherwise through my stories if I listen with a full heart and an open soul.

*grin*

Taoistic Thoughts

October 3rd, 2008

4

I found a new ‘me’ song!

I love music, like writing I’m not entirely sure I could live without a beat behind my mental ears. Now and then I’ll find a song that relates to one of my stories or characters and share it here just because I can and it’s a fun way to discover the finer details about people be they imaginary or not. I also like to find songs that have special meaning to me but I don’t think I’ve ever shared one here before.

The following is called ‘Pure’ by SuperChick (I think that’s how the band name is written) and it’s very fitting to my current mind set. You can listen to the song in the box below, no streaming needed, read the lyrics below. :)

Warning: This is a very scatter brained post.

Pure by SuperChick

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that’s to be found
In life all around

There was a time when I didn’t know how to smile, not with truth between my lips. Before and when I was barely a teenager I saw no reason nor rhyme to my life. I wasn’t looking for one either. I just kept moving forward, one foot in front of the other, not for the sake of continuing on but just to avoid the pain that would come with stopping. I can’t remember my thoughts of the time, my feelings, or dreams. I just remember that one day was no different than the next.

Now, every moment of every day is so different from how it was back then. I’m so filled with thoughts, wants, needs, emotions, and something else that can’t quite be put into words that half the time I’m not sure I how to contain it. Whatever it is it makes me want to dance at random, sing with abandon, and scream in frustration all at the same time. Every single everything is a new everything and because of it I’m a brand new person each and every time my everything changes. I know that makes no sense but that’s alright. I don’t understand it either and that’s what makes it fun, something to keep striving for.

My past is behind me but kept clear in the memories I watch during the present so I might avoid or learn from my mistakes so I might make a better future. Just because certain things are over, what happened happened, and nothing can be changed doesn’t mean the past is carved in granite. I can change the way I look at it and thus change the light my future holds. Through this perception I release all negative feelings towards what has happened. There are things I’m not ready to let go of just yet, but that’s okay too. If I could let go all at once what would be the point of taking this journey?

Pre-Chorus:
This is my prayer without ceasing
The negative releasing
And as I rise above
My burden is easing

I’m so happy right now, it’s difficult to explain it all and how these words mean so much to mean. I want this to last forever though I know I’ll have my down moments but without them those high ones wouldn’t mean a darn thing.

I am no longer who I once was but constantly becoming someone new. I didn’t like who I was at one point in time but now… either because I’m a different person or I have a new way of seeing the world (I’m not honestly sure which) but I like myself a little more now. I don’t always think I’m so great and I like to wallow in my faults but I know I’m getting better and that makes me really happy. The fact that I can say that makes me happier still, that I believe I deserve to be happy and that there’s nothing wrong with it.

(Mmm, carrots and cheesy ranch!)

Chorus:
I bring the pure flow, water around
The rocks of life won’t pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow, water around
The rocks of life won’t pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

Tao is flow. It’s represented by water, by being strong enough to find it’s way through, around, or under anything and flexible enough to accept the changes in it’s course for without these qualities the river just cannot be a river.

No matter what happens I will stand strong and I will flow. I won’t let anything pull me down unless there’s something shiny and rainbow colored at the bottom and then I’m coming right back up again. I might dwell in darkness from time to time but that’s just a part of life and even it has it’s beautiful side. It’s part of the same coin in which we find light on the other side. Without either I wouldn’t be who I am now and that’d make me more than a bit depressed- even if I was surrounded by nothing but good things.

I would have never found my husband without the dark to lead my way.

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where I want to go
The rest will follow

As I’ve said, some darkness is good but right now I’m enjoying my time in the light. I have so many wonderful people who love me and though things have been bad- I know other’s have had it worse. I know those close to me have had it worse for my sake and I thank them from the top to the bottom of my heart for the things they’ve done for me.

Crap happens and those two little words do the fact little justice. I have a lot of fears I’m worried about; people I will someday lose, the knowledge that someday I could once more have everything ripped away, my own faults that hurt me- literally. These things are beyond my control and that scares me more than anything, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder when this wonderful world I’ve so suddenly found myself in is going to crack and splinter back into the nothing I came from.

I’m not sure I’d be able to pull myself out of rubble a second time, I couldn’t do it on my own the fist time and it took a lot of dragging, prying, and bribing just to get me to consider ‘allowing’ myself to be rescued. Nevertheless, with these thoughts and fears swimming in my heart I keep looking forward to the next sunset, the next moonrise, and the next time the rain will come crashing down. I don’t look at every moment as if it were my last but instead- as if it were my first. As if I were a newborn child who knew not the hurts of the world and could only see with their hearts and souls, unbiased by years or society.

I don’t always have the ability to look at things like this but I’m learning. As I take each step on this path I find a brand new brick beneath my foot. If I keep moving, they’ll keep coming. That’s my faith on the matter and should it fail and I find myself falling from my path I know I’ll hit the bottom sooner or later and all that is is a brick of a different texture and color.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that I fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found
The lost will be found

Failure is not failure, it is merely a means of finding one of the many ways one won’t succeed. Each time you fail you’re one chance closer to getting it right and if you fail a whole bunch of times- statistically (if we think in percentages) you’ll succeed a whole lot faster. I know, I’m backwards but honestly if I’m happy then I must be doing something right. Right?

A few years ago I had many questions, things I wanted to know right then and there. Someone had lied to me my entire life and when I found out the world I’d known was turned upside down. I was restless in the unknown and it was more than a little stressful. I felt I needed to know these things.

Time passed and I grew. For many of these questions I still have no answers and if I think on the matter long enough it upsets me- greatly, so I don’t. I acknowledge the fact that there are things I want to know but I also accept the fact that I don’t have the answers or the means of getting them and that the universe will take me where I need to go to find them so long as I keep moving and don’t give up. Eventually I’ll get there.

Things I wished for all my life are mine. Not because I gave up and waited for them to be dropped in my lap but neither because I necessarily deserved them. I just kept moving forward. You can get to the end of any road if you just keep walking it. You can’t get what you want if you stand still. Life is forever moving and that’s something we can all learn from.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

My soul is at ease and I am free

You’d have to read my entire blog, all 200 odd posts, just to scratch the surface as to what these words mean to me. There are a few things I never speak of to anyone because even as a writer I have no words for them. It’s like I have these wings attached to my soul and my physical body is held together with the finest of silver threads. When I’m happy or at the very least- content, these wings open and I feel so full of this weird energy it’s like I’m going to burst at the seems. Like I’ll fall apart in one way but become complete in another. Some of you might get the hidden meaning behind that but if not don’t be concerned. :) It’s just one of those things I think you’d have to be me or very close to me to understand.

Chorus

Purposely Untitled

July 23rd, 2008

3

It has been a busy month. I wish I could say I’m sorry I haven’t blogged, that I feel bad and every day I don’t post I cringe- it would have been the the truth but…

I decided to relax. I’m not going to let this feeling snowball.

That said I’m not even going to both with an update right now. :) I just don’t feel like it. I worked hard this week and it’s about 5 am right now.

Good things in life right now: Hunny, wedding, wedding dress, Kaiyou, the return of a best friend in my life, anime, writing, finishing writing, starting writing, blogging, chat, patient friends, patient readers, randomness, inhaler, soy sauce, sisterhood, love, questions, Keiyou drawing pictures for me, Cheetos, story telling.

Not so good: Homework, time, work but not the work, not being able to adult-nap Keiyou, not having time to tweak my website, not being able to blog, time, time, time, asthma.

And now for some Taoism…

Something mysteriously formed,
Born before heaven and earth.
In the silence and the void,
Standing alone and unchanging,
Ever present and in motion.
Perhaps it is the mother of ten thousand things.
I do not know its name.
Call it Tao.
For lack of a better word, I call it great.

-Tao Te Ching, Ch. 25, the first part.

My Tao of Today

Stories mysteriously formed.
Born of all worlds- mundane and fantastical.
They come from a place deep within, the uncharted waters of my soul.
The craft alone is a constant.
In the hands of the writer it is alive and ever moving, squirming, and becoming something else.
Becoming everything anything, something, and nothing.
There is no way to pin it down with the words I use to catch glimpses of this magick.
Call it Tao.
For lack of a better word, I call it writing.

Transformation

May 13th, 2008

0

This post (and a couple of others) have been transferred to The Tao of Me my private blog. I want to use some of these in a book someday. :)

If you do not have access to this blog but would like it just leave me a comment saying as much and I’ll get around to it. I’ll be transferring a couple of other posts over there soon.

Thankies and peace.

Eeek!

March 5th, 2008

4

You know what? Sometimes I very much dislike how my brain absorbs things. I mean this in a fluffy and not ‘entirely’ serious way though at the moment I am truly annoyed.

I was toying with an idea and a new character for a project that is only half hearted right now. It’s just kind of drifting around my head trying desperately to latch onto something and hasn’t yet. It’s one of those ideas I expect to sock me in the face a week from now and demand to be written once it’s caught enough mental debris to become something.

I’ve was thinking about the character, putting him in different situations and such. It’s no surprise he turned out to have some Tao related philosophies. That’s just my main focus right now so the fact that it’s bleeding through into my writing is no shock whatsoever. What is a shock is that there was no way I could make this character work in my usual fantasy type writing because of it. He just ‘flowed’ through every conflict and became uninteresting. I mean he was still a cool character but I couldn’t get him down. He was just too happy even when things were bad and thus didn’t seem plausible enough to me.

On another hand, that I sometimes wish I had as an extra hand is always handy (yeah, bad pun, too much caffeine), the Taoist philosophies are also bleeding through into a lot of my other works in a very, very awesome way. Giving my characters beliefs, and for some of them a motivation that I had never used before. It’s very interesting.

Still, I’m just annoyed because this character became a lot more Tao involved than myself. They didn’t let anything get them down and fully lived how they chose to live no matter what was going on around them. They stayed positive inside. I’m not there yet. Could I be jealous of my imagination? Is this my internal writer’s way of telling me it’s starting to take the advice of the Tao Te Ching, Just1More ( Winking ), my Hunny, and every other person, place, and thing that’s been telling me to be more positive?! Even my horoscope is against my darker nature. Not that I put much stalk in those but serious this is was mine said a couple of days ago…

Your subconscious imagination is negative — counter it by hanging with fun friends.

I mean- what the heck?! Not that this is a bad thing it’s just I must really be dense to need all these signs and then some to tell me to lighten up. Been talking to my spirits more lately and as far as I can tell even they agree. This is all a good thing though and there is a lot more light coming through me, inwards and outwards. :)

I am the River

March 5th, 2008

3

Turning. Churning. Flowing. Being. Seeing. Growing. Moving. Going. Gone. Here. There. Everywhere.

I am the river. Nothing can stop me nor hold me in check. I move over and under, above and beyond. This is the will of me, the flow of me and my nature demands it.

I bend and I twist beyond stone, sand, and bank. Permeating all things big and small. I see no day, weeks, months, or years though I live through them all as time is my greatest friend. I effect others through it and carve my path slowly but steadily. One needs only to blink and see the progress.

Every moving, never halting. Change is constant. I not only adapt, I embody it, honoring the gift of the universe by accepting what is thrown in my path and overcoming it with temperance, patience, and flow.

I may not like the boulders and logs that threaten to dam me up but stopping to throw a tantrum or pout will serve only one purpose: To stop me. I will not be stopped. I cannot be stopped and to allow myself to be stopped would be horrid. Change continues and as the river so shall I.

So shall I.

[Note: Not a prompt. Inspired by my favorite chapter in the Tao Te Ching. A cyber cookie to the first person who can guess what it is. *wink*]

More Deng Ming-Dao

March 3rd, 2008

2

Last night while I was waiting for my Hunny to finish his shift so we could go home I was skimming through ‘Tao 365′ by Deng Ming-Dao for more verses that apply to my characters when I came across something truly awesome.

This one is under the title Writer:

She withdrew into herself,
First just writing for one,
Then touching thousands.
She incarnated ghosts, hurt, and joy
Into paper-and-ink stories of wonder.

Deng Ming-Dao

This just makes me smile. He goes on to talk about writers need to write and how we hear voices that others do not. That we go to that special place inside our heads (hearts/souls?) and must express whatever we find there. We have to ride the flow out and how that special place inside us is just like the Tao.

I just have to smile over this so much. I also have another book called ‘The Tao of Writing’ by Ralph L. Wahlstrom. When I bought that book I was still in the stages of glancing at ‘Taoism for Dummies’ because I had trouble putting it in a direct light, a way I could understand. Not an uncommon problem since in essence the Tao is undefinable but that’s what I like about it.

When I apply it to writing, that feeling comes over me just before and while I’m letting the words- no, not just the words, the stories and images pour out of me… it’s just so amazing. To just be and flow, to know that this feeling is what drives me, that I can gain such peace and contentment out of creating… it’s all so wow.

I’m really starting to think this path or philosophy is right for me. Not only because most of my base beliefs already flow along these lines but this is what I need in life. I’ve had the first half of things down all along but for my own well being the rest would do me good.

Do what you must when you must do it. Don’t fall into the deeply carved ruts of others that make you do things that are needless and cause equally needless problems. Don’t try, just do. Relax and flow. Be and if you are not happy with what you are change it and be that. Do what makes you happy. Bend to change but never break. Overcome adversity with the power of flow. I really do love it.

By the way, for those of you who read my Tao based character sketch, remember the joke I made about how my characters might be Taoists and I don’t even know it? Well, it turns out one of them is. How funny is that?

This might not make sense to some but sometimes you can’t control the choices your characters make. Girls turn into boys, friends become lovers, someone kills someone or has a motive you never thought about till your fingers brought it to the attention of your eyes. It’s almost like channeling sometimes. You never know what you’ll be told.

A New Kind of Character Sketch

February 27th, 2008

2

I have decided that so far out of the few books I’ve read on the subject that Deng Ming-Dao is my favorite author as far as Taoism goes. I can understand what he’s talking about and I’m constantly finding new ways to apply it all to my life. I find myself remembering little quotes and such more often when I need them. I suppose that’s the point though.

Anyways, I found two Tao teachings/quotes that fit my two main characters in my current project. *big grin* So of course I felt the need to come and share them with you.

The first is titled Smallness. It makes me think of my meeker character Emily.

"You may be capable of great things,
But life consists of small things."

Emily is capable of great things- she just doesn’t really know what great things are. She is often the weakling of the story and she hates being that way. She wants to be able to stand up for herself and protect others.

She sees these as great things, and they are- in a sense. They are great in spirit but not in difficulty like she believes they are.

Little by little (with extra emphasis on little) she starts speaking out and doing what she can. These are small steps but they are still great.

She is the gentle heart of the story.

And the second is titled Chameleon which reminds me my more complex character Hope.

"If I don’t want to be known, I cannot be known.
The best actor can divide role from self.
The best liar can dive truth from falsity."

It never ceases to amaze when I do character exercises for these two how much more I often end up writing for Hope. It’s as if she’s purposely complicated in all ways.

The first line is exactly something I would have her say and it would be the truth. She’s not an outwardly honest person, she won’t divulge anything unless she wants to. There is a large part of her she tries very hard to keep unknown.

She is an actress by nature. She wants to keep the world away from, not to get close to anyone. Even though she is acting though- she’s constantly thinking about who she really is and why she is doing what she does. She does not delude herself.

She has ulterior motives throughout most of the books. She’s not an outright liar but she won’t tell the truth unless she both wants and has to. She is always hiding something, as such she can tell when others are hiding things and blunt as she is she doesn’t hesitate to pull open their chests and reveal the facts in their naked souls.

She is the rebel of the story.

Both passages on these quotes/teachings are separated by a single page with the teachings of Friendship and Bravery on either side. This makes me smile in an odd way I’m sure only I can understand. I do believe I’ve fallen in love with the personal growth of my characters as they progress from one scene to the next.

*giggles suddenly* I suppose this means my characters are Taoists now too? Lol. No, I suppose not but nonetheless I can’t help but smile to think a philosophy I’ve only recently discovered I love and am still learning has helped me create a short and random character sketch of sorts.

I might have to try this with more Tao teachings. I wonder if that would help me understand each even better? As each character is a part of myself… and while I was writing it was the attributes I most identified with that I pulled out of the them for this. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it all. After all I’ve been awake since 10 am yesterday and it’s 8 am today. Maybe I’m just way too interested in the workings of my own mind. Then again, that reminds me of another quote:

"Since we are destined to live out our lives in the prison of our minds, our one duty is to furnish it well"

-Peter Ustinov

Alright. Five posts is entirely enough for one night. I’ve been at it since I got home from work. I guess I just had a lot to say which is good. I’m too full of words on a normal day- it’s nice to release them back into the universe so I have room for my muse to burrow between my fingers and inside my heart. I wouldn’t want her to get too crowded by all the randomness or memories or just rambling.

Centered and Calm Inside and Out

February 27th, 2008

2

Well, before I write anything today I’d just like to share three things with you.

The first is this: I’ve had a very good day today. I felt well physically even though I was in tears from cramps for the better part of an hour and I’ve had the chest pains for the past day or two. -I still feel well somehow. Though in pain I don’t feel sickly.

I only got to sleep a few hours because I had to be up early to go fill out some paper work for the health place and when I got home I didn’t get much sleep before I had to be awake again. Nonetheless I have felt rested today. I had one day off in the long and horrid week though it seems to have been enough.

Nothing overly exciting or extra positive has happened but neither has anything extra negative happened. In all honestly one would think I have no reason to feel any different than I felt the day before. Nothing has changed but I do feel good. I feel wonderful and happy. All my problems still exist, not a one has shrunk or gone away but I’m making peace with them as I do all things eventually. I can’t fight against the natural tides of my life but I can flow with them and what flows does not break. Those are really my only choices in the end of all problems. Flow or break and I refuse to be broken. :)

The second is even more exciting. I bought a new book! *squeal* It’s 365 Tao – Daily Meditations by Deng Ming-Dao. I love it almost a little more than my Tao Te Ching. It’s full of inspirations for the modern day Taoist which really helps me. Tao is undefinable at best, it just is, so it was a little difficult for me to grasp entirely at first even though most of my beliefs and philosophies already coincide. This book is just awesome though. I can understand it, mostly- I still have trouble in some parts where I need to reread and think about it for a moment but I like that. If it’s not making me think then I’m neither progressing in physical mind nor as a spiritual being both of which matter to me greatly.

My favorite passage today (I’m not reading them day by day I just flip around randomly which seems befitting of the whole Tao experience) is labeled Retrospect and it seems quite right that I should find this tidbit enjoyable at this point in my life. It reads:

You could labor ten years under a master
Trying to discern whether the teachings are true,
But all you might learn is this:
One must live one’s own life.

-Deng Ming-Dao

It just makes me smile all over. My face grins, my mind cackles, and my whole spirit dances joyously.

The third but certainly not last thing, since like usual I’ve thought of more but will put it into another post for all your sakes, is about work. Yes, I have something happy to say about work for once.

I’m getting another job!

Maybe. We’ll see. It’s undetermined at this point but I took the first step today, abet on a whim, and grabbed and application for the place down the street for me and asked the person in charge a bunch of questions and it seems like a good shot. I’ve even plotted a bit.

I’m going to keep my old, now horrible, job because it is a security net but if I get this other job then my old one is going to be part time. I’ll keep just enough hours on their busy days but then the rest of the time I’ll work at the other place. I’ll work all the hours they want me. Please remember that I do love to work, I just don’t like how I’m being treated at the old place.

Anyway, I also have a shot at better pay. The place is in walking distance and I already go there all the time. I like the people and the atmosphere is blessedly quiet and peaceable which to me really is more important than the pay. Also, I won’t be doing work that messes with my breathing issues nor my back/lifting issue. Heh, better still I might not have to wash dishes.

Given, I am getting my hopes up and I’ll be sad should it turn out I’m not what they’re looking for or the situation is completely different than what I’ve seen it to be but hoping makes me happy and I won’t fall hard if I get let down so what’s the harm?

Either way it’s up to the tides of the universe whether or not I get the job and whether or not it works out. I’ve laid the first step on the path and now I’ll see it through no matter how short or far it goes. I’ve done my part and now it’s time to be and flow. What happens- happens. So mote it be.

My Dewdrop Moment

February 23rd, 2008

6

I’ve just had a moment of enlightenment. Happy

I went and took a shower after my last post and a couple of comments, was wanting to get my writing mood going but I’ve decided that I’m infinity too tired to work in the realm of fantasy and drama tonight. Anyway…

So, I’d finished my shower and here I am just standing there, preparing myself to open the current and tough out the cool air of the bathroom beyond when a single droplet of water caught my attention. It was hanging off the end of a razor in the little shower caddy thing.

My first thoughts drifted to some reading I’ve been doing about Zen philosophies and dewdrops but as I stood there thinking and watching this single drop of water several things occurred at once.

Inside this single drop were several other drops. It wasn’t falling though, at least not yet. The drop next to it fell after a moment or two of water collecting, and collecting, and collecting. It was just too much and the poor thing couldn’t hold on any longer. It hit the bathtub with a light ‘thwip’ sound.

The drop that had caught my attention hadn’t fallen though. It reminded me of a question I’ve had about how I’ve been able to handle all this stress up till now and how the tiniest things are bugging me at the moment. I’m like that drop I realized.

I’ve been hanging around collecting water for ages, sitting on the edge of my own proverbial razor, watching the other drops around me fall. I sit, and I sit, and sit, but I don’t fall. Now I’ve collected so much water I either need to let go of some or I’ll be hitting something with a ‘thwip’ next.

I continue to stare a the drop for a few moments more. The more I look the more I’m convinced it’s going to fall but it doesn’t. Other drops do but not this one even though slowly it’s collecting more water. I know it will eventually fall but I’m content to think that after it does it won’t have to hang on quite as tight anymore. It’ll go down the drain and join the sewage ocean of other drops that go wherever they go before returning to their position in some other shower or another such place where they hang on once again until they fall and let everything go. It’s a cycle.

This means the only reason I’m freaking out so badly is because this is just the first turn. I’m not used to falling yet, it scares me, but after I do I’ll be fine. I’ll let go of a lot of stuff, perhaps go splat on the floor and cry a but, but in the end it’ll be a good thing.

I left the shower before I could see the drop fall. I wanted to keep the image in my head and let the moment live on in my soul where such a simple thing has found a way to touch me so deeply.

And lastly for this post, a small part of the Tao that touched me tonight as well as some Zen.

Because she competes with no one,
no one can compete with her.

-End part of the Ch. 66 the Tao Te Ching

This next bit really made me smile today. Below is one of the four noble truths of Zen Buddhism but the wording has been modified for both children and adults. This version seems more positive than others I’ve read so it’s the one I’ll share.

Sometimes peace is interrupted. We experience pain or dissatisfaction. This happens to all beings, all the time!

-First of the four noble truths provided by this blog.

Alright I think I’m done posting for tonight. Peace and blessed be.

Making Peace With Sunshine

January 25th, 2008

2

This post has been transferred to my private blog: The Tao of Me

To gain access to this blog please leave me a comment.

I Am – Who Are You?

December 25th, 2007

5

Alright, I was on one of my fave sites (Care2.com) picking out eCards for everyone when I took a glance on the side bar. They have this thing called "Taking Action" where they list off something like ‘eat one vegetarian meal a week’, ‘buy eco friendly products’, or ‘go for a walk’. It’s usually something in relation to green or healthy living. Today though it said something a little different from the usual. I’d love to know what member picked this and thank them for the inspirational thoughts they’ve provoked in me. Thoughts are like my chocolate, I just can’t get enough.

The request for action asked people to: "Be thankful for who you are". I absolutely love that. If you’ve read my last post, or even my last few, you might have noticed I’m a little depressed and changing in a couple of work related ways I’m not fond of but I am still so happy despite what’s going on.

I am thankful every day- not just for the day itself, the people around me, or the good fortune I’ve been blessed with. But I really am thankful for who I am!

When I was fifteen I went through a life changing experience that I couldn’t possibly fit into this single post let alone a thousand. I figured out, at least a tiny bit, who I wanted to be as a person spiritually and mentally and even a little bit with my actions. I started to talk, I walked with my head held high, I made choices (some I shouldn’t have but none that I regret). I even went as far as to change my spiritual name.

So, this is me…

I am a person: an adult’s mind trapped in a child’s form. I am a young lady, a fiance’, daughter, a sister, and a mother of cats. I love to talk, to tell my stories and weave my words. I love to share everything in my head not just for the sake of others but so that I can learn more about myself. That’s a hobby of mine. I love being asked questions and though I may act modest I actually covet any praise placed upon me with great greed.

I am a very nervous person and people scare me but the thing that frightens me most is myself. I am a liar because I can and have lied many a time without remorse. I am often paranoid and I am afraid of my anger because it makes me shaky and I have a tendency to imagine violent things. I am quite and often unwilling to test boundaries until I’m forced to.

I am wild. I love to dance in the rain, my arms outstretched and running in circles. I like to sing songs without words and move without music. I like to tell people that I love them even if they are only friends and acquaintances just because it’s true. I am oddly cultured. I love classical music and really do like the taste of both tofu and soy milk though not in the same meal. I like to dress up when I have no place to, I’ll wear dresses, heels, and earrings just for a night alone eating popcorn on the couch.

I am book smart. I don’t deny it unless someone tells me to my face. I am not street smart though I’d like people to think otherwise. I am naive and wise all in the same step like a grandfather trying to learn how to work the latest computer. I am older than myself but with each year I gain I seem to be becoming more of a child and often fear I’m becoming immature though I know my therapist would say I’m just letting myself be a kid.

I am an internet nerd, completely self taught in web design. I am an anime freak with some other strange but related interests on the side. I am a hard worker but I am also lazy and lacking ambition. I am not as emotional as I desire to be.

I am a contradiction and a paradox and I revel in these facts. I like to confuse people. I am a Wiccan, a true blue believer in Faeries and angels, a Taoist, and something different all together. I believe in things most wouldn’t dare speak of. I am too open sometimes and loyal to a fault. I often try to please too many people to the point of forgetting myself.

I am aware of my spirit and feel that I am something special inside. Sometimes I am afraid I’m deluding myself but I don’t dwell on it. I am a wee bit less on the outside than I would wish to be. I am vain but consciously so- that has to count for something. I am not always a good person and often have my own motives but I try to make up for it with good actions from my motives.

I am not musically talented though I am constantly trying to play instruments and occasionally trying to write music. I am not good at communicating. I am forcing myself to bare my soul on this blog and though it hurts at times I love the rush it gets me. I am a poor speller and a decent writer.

I am not who I used to be. I am a Spirit. I am Feeby.

This is me. Who are you?

This is my Christmas dare: Bare your soul in a post. Think about everything you are. Try not to write what you were and use the present tense. Be bluntly honest with the good and the bad. Write everything thing you can think of but don’t over think it or take more than 10 or 15 minutes. After all no single person can be entirely placed on a page and pinned with mere words. The spirit is too much for that.

Merry Christmas and Yule to all!

My Vow Against the Mirror

December 4th, 2007

18

Alright, I have this nasty habit… wait, I take that back. I have several nasty habits but one in particular made me start to think this morning.

Now and then when I walk past a mirror I’ll get caught by my reflection. People have told me I’m pretty but like most my gender- I have to see it for myself before I believe it. So, I walk up to the mirror and sometimes I’ll just stand there for a bit and pick out all the things wrong. I have horridly crooked teeth, slightly stained. My lazy eye drifts more often than not. I’m way too pale and I have zits. In these moments this is horrible to me and I dislike it so much but as soon as I look away from the mirror I’m fine. I like how I look, but I do not like to look at my flaws. All the same, I do not wear makeup. Never have, never will, unless I’m bored and want to play dress up (yeah, it happens even at 19).

Sometimes in these moments when I can’t help but look at natural and normal human flaws I’ll look to my eyes. Dark circles and these little red veins from straining and not wearing my glasses but I don’t notice them. I love my eyes, they’re one of the few features I can’t complain about. I just love the shape and the colors. :) Well, I sat there for a moment and then a thought struck me. I say struck in the literal sense. It just came out of nowhere and beat me in the head- and for that I am thankful.

Why look for beauty in my face when there is already too much in the world I’m missing? To clarify: There is so much beauty in the world. Be it in the trees, the rivers, the snow, the very earth herself, or in the simple act of writing I enjoy so much. Be it in the childlike play of my cat children, or the soft lips of my special someone. Be it in my eyes or in my heart- beauty is everywhere and those few moments I spend in front of the mirror picking out all those supposed ‘flaws’ and moments that I’m letting it all pass me by.

I’m even missing the beauty in my flaws! If I find beauty in the natural state of the earth in every grain of sand and dirt then why can’t I find it in my perfectly natural zits? They’re a part of me and like constellations in the sky if I ever get bored I can play dot to dot. My one eye that drifts off to the side? Why be symmetrical? I want to be crooked and odd. My overtly pale complexion? Well, if people want to keep telling me that I look sickly I’ll just have to point out that it would be sicker of me to try and cover up my natural tone with powders and creams like the rest of the populace. At least I don’t have nasty chemicals seeping into my pores and rotting over night. Bleh.

So, I will no longer look into that mirror. I can see my beauty well enough in the mirror of my heart and in the reflection of my writing or the reactions I get from those I show my true side to. I don’t need to look to brush my teeth and my hairs too short to do much with anyway’s. I don’t need makeup and who needs a mirror for much more than that? Not me. So, I am vowing as of this moment that I will do my best not to look into the mirror of what society wants as well as my own mirror until I have spent appropriate time appreciating the beauty around and within me.

There are so many beautiful people in this world and most of them don’t even know it because they are blinded by these evil contraptions. I have placed towels over mine. It’s a little odd right now but I’ll get over it. I don’t really need to know what I look like. In fact the more I know the more self conscious I am so if I don’t know then I can walk with a little more confidence. If I can walk with confidence then I can spread it to those around me.

In honor of natural beauty I have merely spell checked this post. I haven’t read it over and I’m letting it go as is. Deal with it. ;)

Taoism and I

November 22nd, 2007

4

Alright, I’ve been studying Taoism a lot lately. Not as a new thing but mostly because it seems to resonate with the way I already look at things. About a month ago I was in Borders and on a general bases I only go into the religion section when I have money. I love to study all the different facets of spirituality and belief as well as religion and philosophy.

So, there I was fully intent on walking by when I stopped and just stared at the shelf in an area I hadn’t delved into as much as others. I picked up a book on Buddhism first. I skimmed through and I had trouble related to some of the concepts. It still fascinated me but it wasn’t something I needed- thus I put it back and skimmed a little more.

I came to a book on Taoism. I opened it up and I had trouble understanding a decent amount of what they were saying. Mind you I can’t stand not being able to understand. When met with lack of knowledge I go seeking.

Eventually I relented and picked up a book that seemed informative ‘and’ Taoism for Dummies. I found a corner and started discreetly going through TfD hoping no one would see me. I absolutely hate those books but they are useful. I got some of the basic definitions and meaning down before I moved onto the other book. Now, I had some semblance of understanding.

I had been looking at it from an ass backwards point of view at first. I was looking at it like most look at religion, what are the beliefs, the rules, the structure. But it was not a religion really, it was philosophy. A way of living that I had been practicing all along though it had been nameless to me.

Wu Wei (I think that’s how it’s spelled) means do non doing. Don’t force things, let them be and come naturally. Like bamboo: Be fluid enough to bend in the winds of change but strong enough not to break under the power of that change. Accept and be. Flow.

I don’t expect anyone to understand what I’m talking about as I’ve just begun to understand it myself but either way I’m happy and I just felt like sharing. I’m going to start applying these concepts to my life and my writing.

All Of It

September 20th, 2007

0

One cannot truly experience the light until they have truly experienced the darkness.

If we were happy all the time that happiness would mean nothing. We would take it for granted and never know it for what it is. You must have the sadness and anger and grief to compare it to, in order to see what it really is.

We know nothing without knowing it’s complete and total opposite. Paradox is balance. Peace is chaos. Imbalance is perfection and perfection imbalance. This is my belief.

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