Written Whispers

Today I endeavor to start anew.

Renewed and refilled with the ever changing essence that is me.

I hope to make it clear that this isn’t just some new year garbled filled with resolutions and promises for a brighter 365 than previous. Nope, I’ve always tried to keep myself away from that trap… excluding the year I resolved to watch more television because a commercial told me to. :)

No. I’d Ike to stress that this is different. This is something that’s been building and beginning in me for some time now but begins are simple: they happen. Starting is a choice and today I start to choose.

My mantra has always been a simple yet powerful thing, a single word to keep me moving when my strength is drowning. Flow. Like in Tao, I need to bend without breaking to withstand whatever storm blows my way. Nowadays though I know better, my strength isn’t so much my question as perhaps my will. With that thought in mind I look to the other half of Tao. To stand firm, an indominable force in it’s natural state.

My new mantra is ‘Just do it.’

I need something I can’t find, I make it.

I want something done and waiting for help is wearing on my bones, I do it.

Need this moved, I move it.

Need to know something, I find the answer.

I’m done with waiting, asking, etc. I will go get, go do, go, go, go!

I will be a force of nature, raw and true to my core.

I want to explain how I’ve come to these thoughts, the months that have been put behind so simple seeming words but I feel like I can babble on that for ages and that’s not my goal. Right now I just want to say it, this morning I’ve chosen to renew myself. To start.

This means a lot for every aspect of my life but today’s focus is mostly toward my writing. This morning as I lay between dream and enough awareness to know it was snowing outside I began to think about all my posts from the years previous. I began to realize that I’m not quite the person I was between those words. I am, I was but I am also something so much different. Everyday. So different.

Good morning, November 1st. Time to give my fingers a warm up before I set off into NaNo land and fearlessly set sail into my novel though fearless may be a bit of an overstatement. I’m scared and delighted to be exploring the story I’ve set to my fingers.

It will be brilliant once I let go and face the truth between the paragraphs.

I can do it. I will do it.

Cleaned all day yesterday, made myself a wonderful little writing nest. I set up the tablet, a bunch of notebooks at my disposal, favorite pens, an inspirational book for when/if I get stuck and a lamp just in case.

I am ready.

Two days, four hours and about two minutes until this year’s NaNoWriMo kicks off. I’m excited and worried about it in ways I’ve never been before. I have an idea I’m compelled to work with that is both strangely beautiful and soulfully terrifying. It’s different than years prior for so many reasons- the first and foremost being that I have a completed (and completely unedited) novel sitting on my desk (glaring at me). I now know the glorious, half orgasmic, feeling that comes with finishing a novel with my own ten fingers. I know how to pour my heart into the pages like every word is my next breath and the spacebar is the only way to exhale.

There are other differences beyond that though. This year I’ve picked a particular project. Top secret… sort of. It’s a two in one sort of thing that’s been calling to me for as long as I can remember a love for story. For the longest time I’ve been looking at it as two entirely separate works that on their own would be quite impossible for me to write not only because of the skill I believe them to need in dealing with the sheer complexity but also because they’re so close to me and finiding a begining seems so… unfindable. Now though I’m looking at them as two halves of the same old coin, worn and warmed in my mental pants pocket for years. It’s been there for years just waiting for me to realize it’s a quater instead of a nickle- just in time for me to need one too.
I’m falling off track and jumping down the road.

This year is going to be different. This year I’m going to crack open my writerly ribs, reach inside and see what I can pull out. A story that on one side has surrounded my entire life and on the other side runs through my every thought and dream. This year I’m going to write the things I’ve never spoken of. The silence that I was thrust into and the screaming that pervaded me as a result. Shaping nearly all that I am.

I’m going to attempt to put that all together in one stack of paper and ink- mayhaps some blood and tears too. Here’s hoping the supreme power that motivates every NaNo’er through November is enough to sweep me through the words. At least 1,667 a day. No heroics this year, I’m going for the 50,000 and if I manage to make that then maybe I’ll aim for the glorious 163,000 that I did for Kat’s Tail. ;) Always so self competitive but it gets the job done.

I’ve always wondered at other writers- more specifically authors. The ones who push out several books a year, some it seem publish more than a few in a month! It’s crazy and beautiful. I could most certainly fathom that many ideas, it often seems like my every blink is just another step in pulling the next one deeper in my skull but whenever I think about all those words those authors must be getting down… wow. Fricking wow.

Could I write that much?

If I can do 163,000 in a month then it’s possible, isn’t it?

Now I just need to learn the art of editing.

The swirling tides have calmed. Rippling vortex waverying on subtle axis. Teal blue and sky embossed indigo rolling over flat dripped glass like lava over ice. Sizzle and soothe. I feel the simmering in my bones, deeper and holding. Sunshine warmth seeping back into my soul where tempest ravaged and dark baubles of what-ifs swarmed.

The crack of lightning tore me. Hot tears of loss remembered, boiling over the cusp of my burnt and crackled edges. I feel the rip sliding thin and sharp along my breastbone, flesh pulling wide like doll seems unwraveling as this mental blade cuts through me.

Saddness, anger, fear and burning indecision wedge themselve between my ribs. A plague upon the unguarded meat within, I rot. Blackening and blistering with self-solution- to carry the pain within and deeper. From my blood stream to my heart the infection grows, burrowing like hook worms and festering doubt.

I bled tears over and again.

And again some more.

And more still even after that- until the calm filled me and I was clean again. Pure and whole, the canyon in my chest stitched solid with scars and clot. Seems wound, perhaps too tight, with litterate thread kneedling though this ink like an ever rewritten tattoo carved into the windows of my micoverse, forgettable with each broken tangibility.

I will hold tight for the next storm on the horizon.

Good morning, blogosphere. Still really digging my tablet. Makes writing away from home a ton easier and speaking of being away from home this morning I’m writing from Ypsilani (bet I  spelled that one wrong). I’m down hete with girls, enjoying the beautiful weather and getting ready to go storm a craft store I’ve never been to before. Wish me luck!

I’m in a good mood today. This improptu vacation couldn’t have come at a better time really.

Life has been getting hectic for me ans because of any outside influence like one might expect but because I’ve come to a crossing in the road of myself. I can litterally count on my fingers all the times I’ve found myself at a place like this, where one seemingly small decision- size unrelated to the difficulty it takes to make it, that could chande the entirety of my life.

I loathe these times generally. They require me to have a long thought withself but in the end I always come out knowing who I am a little better which sounds hideously narsisistic when I say it in my head but at the core of things that’s all I really want.

This weekend I am a curiosity of two minds. Both of me entirely decisive, both of me wanting what I want so badly I can taste it. On the one end I want what I have- my love, my longing, my heart and my hope. On the other end I want what I could have- love, longing, heart and hope.

There are no right answers and the wrong ones seems to abound.

In my minds eye I see a beautiful world where the grass is greener and maybe not. I see adventure, spontanity, opportunity and struggle. I see a slim chance that I can make it I fight for it but in order to claim these things, this longing that beats the breath within my lungs I will need to break a heart. A solid heart of two hearts and two souls.

It hurts that we are of two minds and it hurts that ‘I’ am of two minds. Both so made up, both with their points, neither with a compromise. I want, I want, I want. Why can’t I have?! Why can’t I reach and yearn and feel it’s not so much a crime as an inherint part of my soul?!

I am told by many it is no crime. I am told to do what I must and what I feel is right but what can I say to all these voices when I feel that no way is right, that to stay and go is where my feet are planted? What do I do when the urge takes me? Do I squash it, do I kill these dreams to keep my heart or do I rip that tender beating muscle to shreds, ignore the tears, ignore the hurt so that I might break out into the world like a newborn on her feet?

What do I do? Which way do I go? How can I make this a happy ending and a fresh start? Is there any way to do this without losing everything I hold dear? Is there any way to do this without giving up my dreams?

I love him, I love him, I love him. I do but freedom keeps calling. Like the shadow on the moon with every beat there is a place unseen, unfullfilled and unlit with joy in life. It’s human for me to want to fill it. It’s human to want to take my own path and see it to the end despite damnation and doom that lurk about the edgings.

I tried to explain but where words I breathe I suddenly stumble, feet tripping over punctuation and prose. He heard me but couldn’t listen, couldn’t find the words beneath my bumbling tear streaked synapsis.

There is no plain English for this. No simple sentence or way around. No straight pathway nor bridge across. I want him, I want out. I want home, I want my own. I want safety, I want adventure. I want to keep him, I want to find me. I have no heart to ask him to give up all he has, he’s worked so hard for everything- anything and all things that find their way to his path while I have worked for nothing, carved no trail and seen no world of my own.

I have stayed home, in safety and sollutude. I have built myself a cage, the bars gilded with love. My words are drawing farther away, the story running through the pages while I remain- forgotten bookmark.

Give me strength.

It starts with a half dream. The television on in the background, luring me into a swirl of thought.

The woman is talking about her home, the one that burned down and how everyone was safe. Not only her joy of that thought but how her life was simplified. How things were let go, a great call from the universe to leave where she was and move out of the world. How it called to leave a place that left her only half a person. To expand and be more through having less of her current life.

My eyes sprang open. Mind and heart awoken.

It started with the bathroom drawer. I could take everything we didn’t need, all that trash and then just throw it away. How SIMPLE would it be after that, to just open the draweer and grab what we need. Beyond that, to actually use them and put useful things in them.

Then I imagined my cluttered bookshelf. To take all those books, bag them up and donate them. To keep just my most treasured and SIMPLIFY. There are at least three rows on every shelf right now, the middle one begining to sag and space so tight that many are in head first, feet sticking out instead of spines. Dust, grime, cat hair. Imagining them empty pleases me.

Imagining the floor empty please me. Wide open space. SIMPLIFIED. To just sit and be in harmony with myself on level ground and enjoy the grounding.

I want to unclutter my mind. To SIMPLIFY the pathways in my mind. To shape the outside, to pave it like a mirror so I can find reflection within.

To find SIMPLICITY in my soul once again.

Time to get rid of stuff inside and out.

… who knew it was so SIMPLE …

Good morning, world. It’s nice to see you with your gray sky and chilling air. You help me hold a deeper apreciation for the microverse within my windows, warm(ish) and atmospheric with the familiar. Cats snuggled deep within blankets tell me that the season is changing. The skies and streets will only grow colder, trees will be browning and balding, puddles will frost and quiet will arrive to oppose the busy summer we enjoyed.

I like fall. Obviously.

I dislike the cold but I love the smells that permeate the air; change, decay, life force at rest. It fills my walks with words and weaving. Steps echo much louder as traffic spreads thinner, people traveling beyond their own microverses only for work and nessescity. It’s a time that makes me feel alone but in a good way- which is a strange thing to say coming from me. I suppose a better way to put it is, this time of year makes me feel centered.

I yearn to hold onto that feeling. To cradle it tight against my chest, an ember of warmth to melt the rigidity that infects me when confronted with what makes me fearful. Life change. All change is life change but damn some of those are scary. I’m on the cusp of one that tastes like others I found both bitter and exciting, full of pain but also new opportunities. They all came with a great sense of loss that, while I know better, I often feel it out weighs the beautiful gain.

Scary. Pain. Loss.

Change is.

Chance. Hope. Gain.

Change is.

Uncertain.

I am.

Change.

So excited I can type on the tablet with my keyboard now. :) Much faster and easier though I can still type pretty fast directly on the tablet- the keyboard is just less distracting though. Less times I have to stop mid thought to double or tripple check my text.

This works out really good since I’ve been spending so much time with my friends off the grid- away from internet. I’m all for stepping away from the electronics for a bit and enjoying life and nature but when it comes to my writing a notebook just won’t do 100% of the time. I fill them in a matter of days and can’t keep up with my thoughts as I’m having them unless I’m okay with no chance of being able to read my own handwriting. Some of my friends say they prefer handwriting because it gives them more time to think about what they’re writing and I can understand that. When I’m working on the final proof of something it’s not uncommon for me to take a pen and paper out to outline it or fine tune a paragraph or two before I type it out.

It’s the same way for pen versus pencil. Pencil obviously allows for finer tuning but pen allows you to capture the freeform thought, to keep it. To prevent yourself from editing, rediting, and spending countless hours just changing what you have instead of moving forward and then later transforming it as a whole. Keyboards make me feel like that. Like I’m getting the raw split second thoughts and passions down on the paper.

Another reason I think I’m more comfortable with a keyboard instead of pen and paper is because when I was little I used a typewriter. When I was 7 I had a play one I wrote my first stories on, mostly gibberish and random pressing of keys but still. :) And when I was 8 I progressed to my mothers huge electronic keyboards, sitting on an old milk crate and picking away at the keys day after day till my first story was complete: Chopped Bread.

Not the best idea choosing to write that bit. I wish my mother had been interested enough in her child to look at it before I took it to school and showed a teacher. That whole thing has haunted me for years. I’m not going to write about it here, not just yet, but I will say it hindered my writerly self esteem and willingness to share for a long time.

Back to keyboards. I love them. They make me happy in every possible way. The sound, the feeling of a key depressing, how fast my fingers can pass over them. :) It’s sexy.

So it’s been awhile, yeah?

First of all please forgive any silly simple mistakes. This is my first time writing a post on my new tablet. Most certainly an interesting experience. Not quite used to the keyboard yet and whishing the space bar was a little more sensitive but I’m not worried. I know I’ll pick up speed before this year’s NaNoWriMo especially since I don’t  have to degrade my fingers and capabilities with any abhorent thumb typing. Don’t me wrong, I’m sure it’s not nearly as bad as I make it seem but I see so many people using the same word methods (ppl, b4 u, ectv…) in reglar txt and writing that it makes me sad for what I  see as the devolution of a language- and I love language damnit!

Speaking of language love- I’m learning Japanese soo keep an eye out for some posts on that. Also spending a lot of time on origami, chess, crochet and even gradually finding my way back to my sketching. :) It’s been a good/bad seasons for me. This time of year has always been a bit iffy but I’m taking better steps this time around and I’m excited for how okay I feel even on the bad days. :)

On that note I  have arather passionate thought I  like to share. This year I  have a very special project planned for NaNoWriMo. I’m not sure how much I’ll reveal here but I’ve told everyone else that its top secret. Almost funy considering how much and how easilly I  can babble on and on abiut any of my stories but this one is special. Dear to my heart and deeper still, dear to my very core.

Two stories have been twinning about my soul since long before I  knew my own name, their unwritten words so much a part of me that I’ve considered them impossible to breathe into ink.

—
Oh my happy gods! I just discovered I can use my wireless keyboard with the tablet! How freaking cool is that!  I’m having attention span issues in regards to what I was working on because I’m so excited. I love my keyboard. Keyboards make me happy!  I’ll come back to this post when the mood strikes. :)

It’s time to get back to writing.

Time to find my words.

What once was lost shall now be found.

Heard on cobweb words whispered on the wind.

Let it be.

Hello, everyone. This blog isn’t dead yet and it never will be as far as I’m concerned, just been busy doing things that can’t always be done on the computer. I know, it’s amazing there are still things like that in the world but all in all it’s probably a good thing. Things I have to catch everyone up on when I return: I’m not graduated, new job rocks, college plans, comic books (oh yeah!), and I’m finally back in California for a short trip to visit my family. :) It’s been a long several weeks but despite the stress I think I’m better for it.

Herro, all!

Long time no blogish, yeah? Well, I think I might be back now. No promises though. I only make promises to myself and so far one of those includes living life more and writing on the go instead of spending hours in front of the computer. So far so good. That’s not to say I don’t spend hours in front of my electric box of happy. It just means I spend four hours there instead of nine or something like that. :)

So, new things since I last posted regularly:

I can now fold origami cranes out of post it notes. Don’t know hy but one day I woke up and I really wanted to learn how so I spent maybe two hours tracking down various video tutorials on YouTubey- because let’s face it, I’m not one of those people who can just read “this is how it works” and go “ohhhh.” Nope, I need to see, try, fly, and shred several sheets of paper in sheer angst.

My little cranes are looking awesome now though. We have maybe 200 birdies of various sizes and colors littering the house (they make great cat toys!). I carry a stack of post it notes in purse for making them on the go. They’re fun to leave in random place or give total strangers just because I can.

I’m 99.9% done with school. The .1%? That’s making it to the graduation ceremony next month. I was really hoping to start college this fall- that had been the idea but my next announcement will explain that jazz. In the mean time I’m just excited to have high school finally all done and I’m pretty damn proud of myself that it wasn’t via GED. Not that there’s anything wrong with getting your GED, it just didn’t feel right to me that I could take a simple test and get away without doing all the work I know I would have felt great completing.

And I was right! :D

Another cool thing on that note- my adoptive mom will be participating in the same graduation ceremony with me! I was so excited. I knew she was in the same program elsewhere and I knew graduation was coming up for her (long before I knew it was coming up for me) but I had no idea they were going to be held at the same place and time until I told her my good news. It’s so exciting. I’m really looking forward to it.

My next awesome announcement is that after much dreaming, hoping, and vague wishing I will finally be able to go to Cali to go visit my bio relatives. Because of work I won’t be able to go until about September/October, hence why I won’t be starting college this fall. Ree and I are really wanting to take a train out there for so many reasons.

1. It’s not a plane. 2. I don’t have to step foot into an airport. 3. Think of all the writerly possibilities! 4. It’s cheaper. 5. I won’t want to barf when I look out the window.

:) Good reasons, ne?

I can’t wait to see my brother, uncle, and grandpa in person. It’s been over ten years since I’ve been near any of them, let alone seen them. I’m very nervous but still so excited.

Let’s see, what else…

Oh, I don’t know if I mentioned it in my previous posts but it’s great news so it’s worth mentioning again. I quit my old job of six years and started a new one closer to home with better hours, better people, and a brilliant atmosphere. I’m still washing dishes for minimum wage of course but it’s a ob and I’m fairly content with it as I turn my eyes toward college this next summer.

I’ve crocheted 2 baby blankets, started 1 afgan, and failed on several other projects I’m learning how to not fail at. :) Thank you for the brand new addiction Crystalina.

I’m thinking about working toward my computer programming certification. I know a lot of what I need to know already but there’s still a lot more I need to go over but I’m excited to have a new goal to chip towards.

And lastly, at current, there are five Microsoft Word documents, BlogDesk, a FreeMind sheet, and an Excel book all open on my desk. Why? Because I’m crazy and can’t seem to work on just one project for more than a solid five minutes. The ideas just keep coming.

Some people get writers block.

Others get writers diarrhea.

Fortunately in my case it’s not all shit.

[Written two days ago.]

Good morning!

Ooo, it’s going to take some time to get familiar with the new-old desk I’m using now… spring cleaning = me spontaneously moving furniture about the house like one of those square puzzles where you have to move all the smaller squares around that confined space (merely one more small squares worth of room) to create the image lost in it all. Or in my case, just create some damn walking space.

I will be so happy when we can finally pay the friend to take all the junk away and just deal with it for us. :) That’s coming awfully close to. I’ve been waiting for the better part of a year and we’re actually at that point where we’ll have enough money to get it taken care of. So exciting!

The Hubby will be settling into his new permanent job in a little more than a week. I’m loving my new job, leaving my old job and finding that second breath I’ve been searching for much of this past year. I’m relocating my internal happy place and finding strength in a grip I thought I was losing on some of the more spiritual aspects in my life.

I’m cleaning out this ‘me’ I’ve been. Letting the fresh ‘nearly’ Spring flow in. Things aren’t green and vibrant yet, a hint of Winter’s chill remains both without and within but in a way I’m thankful for that. The lingering keeps me aware of the changes as I feel everything fluctuate one way and then the other before returning to tepid again. Awareness is the key.

More later. I’ve been journaling on the go a lot so there are quite a few posts I still need to upload but I’ll get there when I do.

Not blogging will sooner be the death of me than the continuous weight of my current (growing) to do list.

Today has been a great day but I feel kind of crappy and down. I was berated earlier and I just don’t feel like I can get over it even though I believe I was in the right and frankly, I still do.

I don’t like being angered at while trapped in a car. The birth person used to do it all the time. She’d lock me in with her, make me sit as close to her as possible while she angered at me. There was no escape.

Today of course was no where on the same level and for the most part it’s just a disagreement of perspective and me perhaps using a tone I shouldn’t have but I had just gotten off the morning shift after a night shift and though I didn’t know the other person I felt totally vindicated in defending them. I would do it again.

Even if I didn’t like them.

… but I’m getting lost again …

The point is, this is the third time an event of this nature has occurred. Forgiveness is dandy and all but something I’ve learned these past few years is that often it’s alright to be hurt. It’s alright if you feel stung by something that’s happened. It’s alright to feel. Right now I don’t feel good. The situation has instilled in me a level of guilt I don’t actually harbor. I would say what I said again- I would still regret the slight rift if caused but I would still say it because I still believe it.

But the circumstances… I don’t like that. I hate that. I hated it the first time she did it and though this time is very mild and, I’ll admit, a bit deserved~ I feel distrustful. Of a friend.

Lighten up, world, ’cause I’m not gonna take your shit today. ;)

-

Today feels good. Full of music, movement, and words running around me surrounded by threads of light. The universe inside me waking up as the snow begins to melt. It’s beautiful really.

What a shame I have to work.

It’s odd, I just posted yesterday that I’d be on hiatus and now I actually feel like blogging- maybe it’s a sign my hiatus is over before it technically began? I hadn’t posted since before the new year really so I think it’s safe to say I was on some sort of not-in-this-nook-of-the-net vacation.

In the long run I think I’d rather not make predictions. :) Just to be on the safe side. Ree and I still have a lot of work planned for this month. Japanese styled graphic novels (manga), basic web comics, in depth silent stories of a more poetic nature. We have websites to set up, readers to gather, printing to research, and a convention to prepare for.

I’m so excited to feel so alive today.

Just as the title says. I know it should be obvious by now but I figure it couldn’t help to actually say it. Right now I’m doing a monumental amount of writing… just not here. Right now Ree and I are working to get our comics kicked in gear so for the rest of this month and a large portion of next month I’m afraid you won’t see much of me which of course means I’ll have to do five times as much posting when I return. ;)

Writing is good for the soul but in order to do so you have to give yourself something to scribble about in the first place. Get up, get out, and take flight on those wings of ink.

I want to say change is always fast coming in these cold winter months when my world turns further inward if only to stay warm but I know that’s not entirely the case.

It’s difficult to deny how often I find myself frustrated when something I need- or think I need, doesn’t come to be quite at the speed I’d like it to. At the same time I’m not always happy with the quick running river of my life… though who is when they don’t have time to judge what to do with those rocks rushing toward them?

But enough of that ramble. Tonight I am satisfied with the turns and pace of this dance and I’m not about to waste a lovely mood on such dour thoughts when I can better spend it soaking in the words of the universe through these experiences.

It’s been a soft day, full of cat naps, warm snacks, and gentle pastimes. I’m not able to allow myself these sort of days often- it’s just not part of my nature, but when things align just right and I can really sit back… well, it’s pretty amazing. It’s like I gain a whole new set of eyes full of appreciation for what I have, a lack of longing for what I don’t, and a kind of wholeness I’m not used to.

A special sort of wonderful I’m not going to give up on. J

New computer is behaving so I can get back to posting again, comment replies coming soon. I feel a bit behind. Warning for language below. It’s one of those nights. Not a happy post.

-

Not feeling great tonight.

Want to talk but no one to talk to. I’ve stopped talking to him. It only makes me feel worse… I don’t feel good enough, strong enough, smart enough. When I admit this I end up chastised which makes me feel weak, less, and a little stupid.

All variations of the same thing.

I don’t talk to her. What I say is frightening and that barely concealed look of appaled horror makes me feel disgusting and wrong. I am wrong. I don’t want a reminder.

I tried to talk to the other her… but now I’m something broken. She said she could always listen but I guess that doesn’t mean I can’t say something wrong. I wish she would tell me what it was.

Others have offered but it’s never the right time or they’re not availiable. I really need to learn to be fucked up when it’s convienent.

My helpful support systems have failed me. Both of them. Therapy is back but only for eight appointments and three of those are spent doing paperwork. My other place is a chat group- they closed last week.

If I say I feel depressed- it’s because I want attention which would make me a bad person. But what else can I call this? What is left when the writer in me runs out of words? I feel like shit.

I have to stop talking about it. I don’t want to be someone who wants attention. I hate those kind of people and too many people have accused me…

I’m so tired.

The mantra; deserve, earn, worth. I hate it and tonight I’m not too fond of myself.

4:01 am, an early night for me.

Seems I’m bound to be a night girl no matter what tricks I try to convince myself otherwise. I’ve been going to sleep earlier than usual- naturally. I’ve just been so tired lately and suspect it has something to do with the changing seasons. Unfortunately going to bed early has one large unhelpful pitfall for someone who has never been able to sleep more than a handful of hours at a time: I went to sleep at 11pm and here I am up again by 2 in the morning. I know if I just lie there and try to force my body back to sleep I’ll only make things worse.

Laying still in a perfectly dark and quiet house while my mind is far from dreaming has never been good idea. I get jittery and restless, dark thoughts poking at the corners of my brain when least prepared to deal with them. So following some professional advice I’ll just get up and find something to occupy myself until I’m ready to slip under again. A regular sleep schedule is great- more healthy than you can imagine but when it’s not possible sometimes it’s better to just catch rest where you can and be thankful the nightmares are taking their own vacation. ;)

A late night thought: My life is a mess and I’m beginning to love this quality.

If I had my way (how petulant that sounds), if all things were in my power, perfectly organized and how I often think I want them to be… my life would be so boring. I’d have no experiences to write about, no stories to tell and no battle scars to brag about when the mood strikes just right.

As a colorful person I’d be lacking the most important thing of all. Everything I am I can measure in shades of blue-black, bloodless red, drifting pastels, hope threaded gray, twisting indigo, thriving green, the dance of rainbow and all the colors a moonless night covets in her star spat black.

And I’m most as peace knowing this.

Too tired to get into details but I feel it needs to be written, to be committed to this nook on the net that I call mine. Last night, or yesterday night now that it’s five in the morning… I had a revelation. A powerful one.

So powerful I took off both my socks and then put them on the opposite foot to mark the symbolism of changing my focus.

All I can say for now is, I’m ready to start flowing in the write direction and nothing is going to stop me. Not even myself.

What’s been done today:

• Worked in all four kitchens. Bleh. Not terrible.
• Caught up on all my stuff for Referential and even tried to do a little extra to make up for my recent slackerism.
• Caught up with my newest MCR stuff as much as I can, much more to do tomorrow before school.
• Updated our ‘to be done’ list and assigned jobs for the next Abridged Coffee project.
• Helped Ree find reference photos for a fighting pose and then found her some good art tutorials for something she was having trouble with.
• Put everything I’ve been wanting to read online in one place- I thought the poor feed reader was going to die at first, so I can finally start immersing myself further in what I love.

Tomorrow/Today… I’ll do it all over again, minus the kitchens. I’m off save for school and online work. Maybe I’ll get more of Kat’s Tail 2.0 done- oh, that’s an update. I’ve finished going over the first draft- writing notes, drawing big red lines, adding new purples scenes, and wondering what the heck the green marker means, and now I’m ready to begin the second rewrite. After this I’ll still need to revise but aside from some fine tuning my plot will be sound and that’s what matters most!

Ack! It’s really been this long since I last posted?!

*hangs head in shame*

Usually when I go on a no-posting stretch it’s because I’m feeling anti-social or things in life have taken a turn for the unwritten. I refuse to feel guilty about that- even I need a break now and then after all, but this? This not posting simply because I couldn’t find make time for it?

That’s just insane. I don’t like it. I’m a writer. I need to be writing.

To my credit, though not as an excuse, things around me have become unexpectedly full. Not in the sense that I’m so busy it’s ridiculous that I’m thinking of taking on even more projects (that’s perfectly normal) but in the sense that the things I’m filling my life with are starting to feel… good… fulfilling I suppose the word would be.

Comics- Ree and I are making progress on our comic by leaps and bounds- enough so that we’re already planning out our trecherous journey into self-publishing. We were going to submit Kazu (a fitting nickname for our baby) to a number of publishers with hope for the best but as we work on scripts, inking, toneing, and learning all we can about ‘the biz’ we’ve been keeping track of the industry in general. Publishing will always have it’s ups and downs of course but manga, our particular style of comic loveness, is going through some rather rough turns. Turns we’re not willing to submit to when we know we can do well enough all on our own and be content with it.

What I find most fulfilling about working on our comic is really working with Ree. When we first became friends (sisters) the main thing we had in common was our silent nature… until we got to know each other and learned we both had a love for everything anime/manga. That discovery led me to learn of her art and led her to learn of my writing. I could writing the things she could never find the words for and she could pen every image I had tried to convey. We met each other nicely and there’s really no other companionship than that. Telling stories, sharing them with a sub-culture we practically breath, it’s just amazing.

Writing- I am officially on the second rewrite of my novel. I won’t call it a draft because the more I look at it the more I realize the things I call ‘outlines’ are really just that, drafts. This rewrite is like a polished draft. I’ll still need to work on it but in comparison to what it looked like before… it’s pretty awesome. :)

Not only that but the second book in the series is almost ready to be written. I’ve outlined it, haste scribbles that span one notebook, several napkins, and an old pair of jeans and then I’ll be outlining it again (the first time is always to get it out while the second time is to fix the plot holes nibbled away by plot bunnies too excited to listen to logic). After that I’ll follow the same system I have with the first book, minus the detours where I tried to figured out what the heck to do in the first place. Lol.

I’m still trying to figure out this temptation of mine to write it in first person POV even though I know I could do much better in third.

School- School is school and while I haven’t gotten much (or any) of it done this past week between being sick and constantly being called into work I still feel fullfilled by it. I’m not standing still. I’m doing something. I’m learning. I’m working towards who and what I want to be in life. It’s a damn slow journey but I’m young and I have plenty of time to get there.

So long as I don’t stop moving. Standing in utter stillness while the world moves around me makes me want to pull my hair out in a very literal sense.

Volunteer Work- As of the other day my training is complete. I am officially a full fledged (and still slightly clueless) volunteer for MCR. I’ve got a long way to go till I’m half as knowledgeable as those I’m working with but I really do look forward to the learning process. They’re all very nice and very dedicated. I couldn’t ask for more. :)

As most of you know, if you’ve been reading on and off for awhile, I haven’t felt content with my job in a long time. Five years isn’t long for some people but for me it’s something to be proud of. I take great pride in doing all I can to get my work done right but… even though I like working, having something regular to do and feeling like I’m useful, I can only go on so long.

All paths end. Some end by turning off into others, merging with one you didn’t see, or widening and winding to take you through some side journey. Others though- they just end. Nothing more to it than that. I’ve walked this one all I could and it’s been made clear to me that continuing isn’t going to take me anywhere.

Complications prevent me from quitting outright so day after day I’ve been going in with just a little less of my heart in it each time. I really hate this feeling of not giving it my all but at the same time I can’t make myself put energy into something like this… so, to stave off the useless (or not good enough) feeling that’s been swelling in me for awhile I did what every person does when seeking a solution.

I Googled it.

Specifically, I Googled volunteer work and found this great site that has a category full of virtual volunteer opportunities. I browsed the section for over an hour finding a lot of great jobs but none that I felt I’d be decently good at… until I stumbled upon the MCR position. It required a lot of email (no problem) and phone work (… turns out I’m better at that than I though) but they had an excellent walk through and I was already familiar with the subject of the work.

Cats. :) I’m helping people find their feline companions. Not only that but it’s through a process similar to what I learned in foster care, using my skills to determine if the people will make a good home and checking references. :) It’s great and I love it. I need some practice getting organized and getting all my stuff done on time… not to mention dealing with that tragic drop in my stomach every time I have to call a stranger but I really feel like I’m doing something that matters.

Day Job- Well, you read the above. It doesn’t go well but there has been a change. It seems after this last time I called in sick- there was no one to cover me and my going in was just not going to happen, they lost some trust in my availability. I’m no longer viewed as being as reliable as I’ve been since I first started.

Gone are the days when I’d offer to come in on holidays, my own birthday, and for any shift no other wanted. Gone is the me that actually tries to find someone to cover for me the day before if I know I’m still sick. Gone is the me that volunteers to spend an hour searching the kitchen for this one special doo-hicky that they just can’t live without. Do I know where it is? Nope. Can I find it? I always do. Will I go look for it? I’m busy.

Gone is the me who felt more than fleeting guilt at failure. Now it’s just failure. I still care, still try but there’s no need for me to go beyond my quickly closing limits.

This is a list of things that make me feel fulfilled lately… I’m not doing as well in my job as I once was. That sucks but as the kitchen switches their reliability in me to Ree… I feel pretty good. She’s starting to get noticed in a way I just can’t anymore. She’s doing great and the praise is doing her wonders. I see change coming and I like it.

Referential- Ah, I’ve been a naughty girl of late. My failure to get organized lies only with me and as of tonight- with my cold gone and training complete, I’ve made the commitment to do better. To get more done and stay focused because I really want to do my best to help out. :) That’s all I can say for now. Words are words and while I love them it’s the ‘doing’ that gets things done.

It’s been a heck of a week… or two. It’s hard to tell at this point. I’ve been so busy things are starting to fuzz together. So, the highlights that I’ve been wanting to blog about.:

One: We (my friends and I) were sitting outside the craft shop waiting for one of our other friends to finish up inside when this very sweet little old lady walked past us. I smiled to myself, thinking she must be someone’s favorite grandma… and as she walked past she called us ‘devil worshipers.’

It must have been the multicolored hair and cat ears. Still, I’m glad she’s not my grandma. :)

Two: Hubby, Kei, and I have been playing WoW together for several nights now. Dorky- yes, but it makes for such great family time when we’re all questing together. I’m not a gamer like them but I love it.

Three: Found an awesome new Chinese resturant that isn’t buffet style. They actually make the food right there and oh! Mouth orgasm. Enough said.

Four: Ni, Ju, Kei, myself and several others went to a small anime-convention up at the mall. It was great. I dressed up in my outfit from NMAcon and Kei dressed up as a Neko with a red Chinese dress, ears, and a home made tail that actually moved while she walked. :) I won first in the cosplay contest, Kei won fourth and placed in the coloring contest. We had a lot of fun introducing our other friends to convention atmosphere.

Xean was so cute too!

Five: Went on an outing today, mushroom hunting- that’s what you do this time of year in Michigan. Discussed some old stories related to strange experiences. I thought about writing one of them down and when we got home my husband asked if I would. :)

Six: Told my therapist about a writing project I’d set out on a few weeks ago, something related to my issues, and how I was planning on sending it out to this one magazine. She seemed a bit proud and asked if she could see it when I was ready. I told her yes but I’m still a little unsure.

Seven: It has only just now come to my attention that I’ve left my laptop with my friends… about an hour away… thank gods I have the desktop.

Eight: My foot hurts. Really, really bad. Not sure how I did it but the general consensus is that I pulled something. One of my toes won’t move. I’m hoping it goes away before I work next.

Nine: I’ve give it some thought and after reading an article on revision I’m rethinking how I’m going to go about tackling that dreaded novel of mine. Before I make a decision though I need to find some poor soul willing to read it in all it’s unedited (NaNoWriMo’ized) terror. :( Frightening, ne?

And that’s that. :) Been awhile since I’ve made an in depth post of any sort but rest assured- you can assume that only means things are going well. Or well enough that I’m being kept so busy I can’t focus on the bad.

Peace!

My friends are beautifully strange people and not just for the obvious reasons.

They see things in me I would never see myself. Not without painfully peeling away a few layers and pulling out a magnifying glass at least. They see these things the same way children see starlight. Honest and just just.

I’m lucky that they know me so well- though I’m not quite sure how, and are often right. I can trust them to find me when I’m lost, to hear the secrets I can’t tell, and see the light I often forget I have. They remind me of things I’ve had taken away, pulling my innocence from the shadows to shine in the bright of day, exposed alongside my self-naivete.

I’m scared to have them in my life. Precious things are so easy to lose, precious people even more so. Nevertheless, I dare to say I’ve seen a world without starlight and I’ve met people who can’t see beyond the clouds. Neither are sights I wish to return to.

Thank you, my friends. Thank you for everything.

Doing better than I was the last time I posted. Time with friends is great for helping ease that extra dose of anxiety life leaves you with every once in awhile. :)

It’s 2 am and my stomach is full of cereal, my heart full of words, and my brain full of… well, not much else compared to the other day which is fine. Sometimes it’s nice to be empty headed, like a break, sometimes it just has to happen.

Anyways, that’s all I felt like writing for now. I have a story in need of love. Peace!

Yes. My to do list is crying but that’s okay. I had a great time with my friends and even though writing is one of the most important things in my life- the people that give me something worth writing about are even more so. :)

We did so much too! Explored some beautiful parks with the most gorgeous trees I’ve ever seen, all moss covered and damp with life. Absolutely stunning. We spent a lot of time climbing precariously over logs to get from one side of a river to another- thankfully only one of us got wet and it was just her leg (sliding back after she got to safety). It was just an awesome time to get outside even if I felt like an Eskimo by the time we were done, burrowing further into my coat with every passing moment until N took pity on me and had me take hers.

Oh, and we ate crab! Lots and lots of crab, a pound a piece- that’s a lot to me. Mmm, I love seafood especially while watching good anime with great friends after a long day. We spent some time running around this really cool fabric store (the same place we bought the materials for my wedding dress) for possible parts to our future cosplay costumes.

They’re coming to the convention with Ree and I in August. Woot!

Yes. It’s been a very long several days and my to do list is crying but it was so incredibly worth it. :) Nevertheless, my social meter is peaked for the week and I’m excited about getting to my projects so if I seem a bit lax in getting back to anyone… well, I hope you can understand. If not- I don’t care. :D

Wow, it’s a little weird going back to my laptop after having been on the bigger computer for so many months now. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my laptop but I really love how quickly everything works on the other comp- how it’s unmovable in the center of my writing nest, how when I turn it on I feel like I’m sitting down to work whereas sitting down with my laptop has become more of a plaything.

Still, since I’m at a friend’s house right now- the last one awake in the throes of insomnia, I’m glad to have brought it along so I could do some writing. Now that I’m trying to stick to a to do list once a week it’s become even more important to actually keep up with my tasks instead of procrastinating.

:) Happy spazzy right now. Wondering where my cell phone is and how hard it’s going to be for me to fall asleep. That aside I think I’m going to go work on a story for a bit and see how long it takes me to admit I’m not going to finish it tonight.

Good morning!

I’m excited. There’s still snow on the ground but it’s melting and the sun is out. Everything is ‘just’ crisply white and despite the odds I’m wide awake. We’ve opened up the cat kennel (a 3 by 3 by 5 cage they can walk out into from the house, birds fly through it and chipmunks take their chance) and the door is right by my little writerly nest so I can feel just enough of the air from beneath my mountain of blankets.

The kitties are quiet and up to little good but they’re happy so I’m happy. :) That and they’re very entertaining. Two of our little ones are leash trained so they’ve been vigilantly awaiting the arrival of spring and while it’s not here yet they know this is the first sign. The more reserved kitties- complete indoor cats with a fear of the great ceiling-less expanse beyond our home are still curiously exploring their own tiny sample of what it’s like to be a wild cat… or perhaps it’s something akin to watching a really good nature show. Where they just sit there and watch different creatures flit back and forth.

It’s beautiful. These are the kinds of days where waking up is more of a gentle thing than a process. Where peace comes easily, usually followed by a cup of tea an unhurried words spilling out onto my keyboard. The house is quiet but far from silent, each of us caught up in our own separate tasks and yet completely aware of each other. We’re not cut off, we’re not absorbed- computers robbing us from our time together. No, we’re parts of some greater thing moving together, enjoying the simple sounds we all make in our hushed movements.

Kei is working on some digital art project or another. My husband is checking the news before gaming swallows up his movements and I- well, I’m sitting here typing aren’t I?

We’re so different in our hobbies but so similar, finding a way to merge what we love with the serenity brought in this morning.

I really do love days like this.

Okay, so if you haven’t heard from me in awhile it’s for a good reason. First I was having this anti-social phase, it was quick and quiet and best of all- it’s over. Then I got sick- it’s either the flu or food poisoning. No details need be given about that. Lastly I’ve been away at a friend’s house for the past two days. I’m home now but I’m sick again so… I still might be a bit silent. This includes my presence on messenger, replying to emails, and answering phone calls.

It’s just not going to happen.

My Thursday appointment was canceled and given I was thinking about canceling it anyways, my whole week feels like it’s been thrown out of whack.

It’s been a strange week already.

Kinda stressed.

If you haven’t heard from me in a few days it’s probably because I’m going through an antisocial phase where the very idea of communicating with other people is painful. I haven’t been logging on to social networks, messenger, and I’m almost thankful my cell is on the fritz. It’s nothing against everyone else- I just need a mental reboot from time to time.

Around people- I get tempted to help, occasionally I feel obligated to help, and if they start talking to me first I have trouble ending the conversation when I don’t feel very into. The solution? Become a hermit for a few days, leave my internet off, watch movies, and try to clean my house.

So, that’s what’s up with me. I have a lot of things I’m thinking about right now, a bit of anxiety, and a lot of other junk. It’s not going to get me down but if I seem a little standoffish I apologize now- I just need a break.

[Lol, forgot to post this after I wrote it.]

Had a great day today. :)

Went to therapy, said some things I wanted to say and almost bridged a topic I’m not very sure about anymore. We delved into the fact that some of my memories- considering how they were made- aren’t going to flow in the sequential way I’d like and that I have to work on breathing techniques.

And after that and went to Ni and Ju’s for a night of anime, sugar, and stories. :)

They had two other old friends over (I’ve missed everyone so much) and their adorable daughter- an angelic little creature who later said the F word on the way out the door, lol. We ate some wonderful homemade Chinese food and I, for my tiny stature, was picked up by just about everyone. :P

I’m so glad their closest neighbors are the band downstairs because we were so loud. Even Ree became social for awhile, it was wonderful! :D I meant to bring them some of my writing and a few other things but I’ll have to remember some other time.

It’s really great being around friends, I can’t even begin to tell you. I’ve made other friends these past few years but none of them are like the people I met during that certain time in my life when I felt most like myself. It really gives hope for all my anxiety that people like them can still find their way into my life.

Alas, eventually I had to leave though I was pretty tempted to call into work and tell them Ree and I had something contagious just so we could stay the night.

My poor hubby,… I imagine he’s glad it doesn’t take us long to crash from our sugar rush. One little odd asthma attack and a nap later and here I am all hyper again. :D

Ah, so as you know (or don’t) I spent last Thursday with my long lost (3 years) buddies Ni and Ju. We had a wonderful time and the only reason I haven’t written a full post dripping with hyper spazticness all about it is because the recent reunion gave me some things to think about which are still cooking inside my head- all the base ingredients are there but I need to wait a little bit for the chemistry to kick them and turn it all into one solid thought I can better grasp.

In the mean time though I’d love share my beautiful moment of stupidity. :) There are very few people I can let my guard down around so despite how flighty it made me look it also makes me happy. It doesn’t hurt that they’re also pretty used to my odd little flighty moments.

Okay, so we Ju and I were in the supermarket looking for Ni who’d gone on ahead of us. As two relatively short attention-span-lacking people Ni has a much better chance of finding us than we of her but we did try.

Trying lasted all of two minutes before Ju pulled out her cell and started texting Ni to let her know we were looking for her, explaining to me it’s their way of playing marco polo (they’re so cute together :) ). I laughed and we waited a bit for a response… it didn’t come.

After a moment Ju said Ni must have left her cell phone in the car.

Not a second after Ju had told me that, still holding her cell phone out in front of her, I very enthusiastically started going through my purse saying “Oh, hold on. Let me get mine and you can try to call her on that.”

…

Oh, yes. I totally said that. Ju was laughing for a good ten seconds before I’d figured out what I’d said and just what was wrong with it. :) I could have slapped myself in the head, lol, but it made me laugh too so it’s all good.

Mahaps it’s because I’m one of the few cell phone owners left on this continent who doesn’t text?

More likely it was because I was so spazzy, lol, but in that moment I have to admit it felt like all of us had never been apart. Like it was just another day and I’d never gone back into foster care. :) I can’t deny that I yearn for those days but I’m also looking forward to the days ahead of us- and all the dorky moments that come with them. :)

I have another wacky little friendship story to share but I want to keep this post short so I’ll go ahead and make another one. :)

I have wasted my day away- from the moment I woke up till the moment at hand. Nothing I’ve done has achieved anything.

Or has it?

Like a coin I have both my positive and negative moments. Everyone does but I do like to think I acknowledge flip side more often than a lot of people so forgive me if this is stretching things a bit. :)

I woke up, I played Sims3. For 11 hours straight. No, I’m not joking. I’d be a lot less embarrassed to be typing this if I was but as it stands I’m too lazy to type it if I don’t mean it. ;) 11 hours.

So, you can see why I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done today but the more I sit here thinking about it the more I realize that maybe I did do something. Games are a great distraction, a great way to let the mind drift without quite as much potential for getting caught inside it. In short- it’s hard to think about the stress that’s trying to pile up on me whenever I’m not looking when I’m busy trying not to kill the little people in my town. :)

I’m not much of a gamer by nature but I think I can start to understand the lure some people feel. I know when I start getting real anxious- the peace and quiet inside my head too still to hold back the darker darkness, I find a quick online game of Tetris. The thing that just amazed me so much is that I actually spent a whole day doing it. Usually Ree has to beg me to come game with her online because despite the pretty colors I just can’t go that long. Usually my muse steps in and says ‘No, I have an idea. You need to log out right now and let me take control.’ and then he hits me over with his newest pet plot bunny.

Did I mention said plot bunnies are usually rabid?

Well, they are.

Anyways, so yeah, I did not expect to be gaming that long at all but now that my eyes have readjusted and I’ve actually left my seat for more than an hour (even walked from one side of the house to the other) I’m glad I did because despite feeling like I’ve somehow managed to waste my entire day I feel pretty good. Relaxed even.

I do know this means I’m going to have a hell of a time falling asleep because when I spend multiple hours on any one project I tend to see myself doing it when I close my eyelids (this hasn’t just happened with games like Sims, it also happened when I took up knitting). I can tolerate that sort of thing with writing because I don’t see my fingers on the keyboard or the words forming on the screen- probably because my eyes are usually closed when I’m writing, but I see the stories themselves and it’s about the same as dreaming. Though I still have to be careful with that because if I’m working hard enough on a plot then I’m just laying there with my eyes closed, thinking.

Thank goodness for Tylenol PM and a weak tolerance. :)