Of Two Minds

This weekend I am a curiosity of two minds. Both of me entirely decisive, both of me wanting what I want so badly I can taste it. On the one end I want what I have- my love, my longing, my heart and my hope. On the other end I want what I could have- love, longing, heart and hope.

There are no right answers and the wrong ones seems to abound.

In my minds eye I see a beautiful world where the grass is greener and maybe not. I see adventure, spontanity, opportunity and struggle. I see a slim chance that I can make it I fight for it but in order to claim these things, this longing that beats the breath within my lungs I will need to break a heart. A solid heart of two hearts and two souls.

It hurts that we are of two minds and it hurts that ‘I’ am of two minds. Both so made up, both with their points, neither with a compromise. I want, I want, I want. Why can’t I have?! Why can’t I reach and yearn and feel it’s not so much a crime as an inherint part of my soul?!

I am told by many it is no crime. I am told to do what I must and what I feel is right but what can I say to all these voices when I feel that no way is right, that to stay and go is where my feet are planted? What do I do when the urge takes me? Do I squash it, do I kill these dreams to keep my heart or do I rip that tender beating muscle to shreds, ignore the tears, ignore the hurt so that I might break out into the world like a newborn on her feet?

What do I do? Which way do I go? How can I make this a happy ending and a fresh start? Is there any way to do this without losing everything I hold dear? Is there any way to do this without giving up my dreams?

I love him, I love him, I love him. I do but freedom keeps calling. Like the shadow on the moon with every beat there is a place unseen, unfullfilled and unlit with joy in life. It’s human for me to want to fill it. It’s human to want to take my own path and see it to the end despite damnation and doom that lurk about the edgings.

I tried to explain but where words I breathe I suddenly stumble, feet tripping over punctuation and prose. He heard me but couldn’t listen, couldn’t find the words beneath my bumbling tear streaked synapsis.

There is no plain English for this. No simple sentence or way around. No straight pathway nor bridge across. I want him, I want out. I want home, I want my own. I want safety, I want adventure. I want to keep him, I want to find me. I have no heart to ask him to give up all he has, he’s worked so hard for everything- anything and all things that find their way to his path while I have worked for nothing, carved no trail and seen no world of my own.

I have stayed home, in safety and sollutude. I have built myself a cage, the bars gilded with love. My words are drawing farther away, the story running through the pages while I remain- forgotten bookmark.

Give me strength.

Simplify

It starts with a half dream. The television on in the background, luring me into a swirl of thought.

The woman is talking about her home, the one that burned down and how everyone was safe. Not only her joy of that thought but how her life was simplified. How things were let go, a great call from the universe to leave where she was and move out of the world. How it called to leave a place that left her only half a person. To expand and be more through having less of her current life.

My eyes sprang open. Mind and heart awoken.

It started with the bathroom drawer. I could take everything we didn’t need, all that trash and then just throw it away. How SIMPLE would it be after that, to just open the draweer and grab what we need. Beyond that, to actually use them and put useful things in them.

Then I imagined my cluttered bookshelf. To take all those books, bag them up and donate them. To keep just my most treasured and SIMPLIFY. There are at least three rows on every shelf right now, the middle one begining to sag and space so tight that many are in head first, feet sticking out instead of spines. Dust, grime, cat hair. Imagining them empty pleases me.

Imagining the floor empty please me. Wide open space. SIMPLIFIED. To just sit and be in harmony with myself on level ground and enjoy the grounding.

I want to unclutter my mind. To SIMPLIFY the pathways in my mind. To shape the outside, to pave it like a mirror so I can find reflection within.

To find SIMPLICITY in my soul once again.

Time to get rid of stuff inside and out.

… who knew it was so SIMPLE …

Good Morning Change

Good morning, world. It’s nice to see you with your gray sky and chilling air. You help me hold a deeper apreciation for the microverse within my windows, warm(ish) and atmospheric with the familiar. Cats snuggled deep within blankets tell me that the season is changing. The skies and streets will only grow colder, trees will be browning and balding, puddles will frost and quiet will arrive to oppose the busy summer we enjoyed.

I like fall. Obviously.

I dislike the cold but I love the smells that permeate the air; change, decay, life force at rest. It fills my walks with words and weaving. Steps echo much louder as traffic spreads thinner, people traveling beyond their own microverses only for work and nessescity. It’s a time that makes me feel alone but in a good way- which is a strange thing to say coming from me. I suppose a better way to put it is, this time of year makes me feel centered.

I yearn to hold onto that feeling. To cradle it tight against my chest, an ember of warmth to melt the rigidity that infects me when confronted with what makes me fearful. Life change. All change is life change but damn some of those are scary. I’m on the cusp of one that tastes like others I found both bitter and exciting, full of pain but also new opportunities. They all came with a great sense of loss that, while I know better, I often feel it out weighs the beautiful gain.

Scary. Pain. Loss.

Change is.

Chance. Hope. Gain.

Change is.

Uncertain.

I am.

Change.