Written Whispers

[Wrote yesterday but forgot to post. I should edit it but I'm not going to. :)]

Yesh! :D I have my new keyboard and it’s sooo tiny. :) Possibly even a little shorter than my laptop keyboard and all non letter buttons are compacted together. It’s wonderful. I have to work a bit to get used to it- my happy go lucky back space button is a whole row up from where it is on the other two keyboards which is something that has caught me in this paragraph a total of four times and my shift buttons are only half size so I have to be careful not to hit the next one over. Lol, all in all though it’s a nifty piece of hardware I already cherish.

If you’re a new reader and you’re wondering why I plan on ‘wasting’ a whole blog post about my brand new keyboard then you clearly haven’t read much here. Some writers have a favorite pen, a preferred kind of paper or notebook, some have a special seat or song they need to get their muse to come forth.

Me- I have a keyboard.

Some writers have told me there’s nothing like having a pen and paper and as a writer I should embrace it more. I tend to agree on some small level but only as I won’t always have a computer at all times and I need to have some meek skill for reading my own handwriting but in the end I derive more pleasure from keys. I love the sound they make, the feel beneath my fingertips and how I usually have a better chance at keeping up with my thoughts.

Mostly, this past year or so, I love how I don’t get the huge headache from reading what I write. :) With and without my glasses on.

Thinking back, when I was six and living in one of the foster homes my bio parents had given me a children’s type writer. A lightweight plastic thing that you plugged into the wall. It was red and white. I don’t remember asking for it though I may have- I was an early reader, or it’s possibly my bio parents were hoping I’d send them letters they could use as legible evidence against ‘the system.’

A few years later, my first reprieve from foster care, when I’d gone to live with my bio parent, uncle, and grandfather my parent let me play with her big electric typewriter. A huge thig that had to weigh more than my eight year old body. For the next two years, roughly, I’d spend most of my time sitting in front of it on a milk crate clicking away the hours word by word.

I wrote some small poems and a story- which later nearly got me kicked out of school but that’s a much longer tale. We moved to Michigan around my tenths birthday, moving into our very first apartment on our own. No one else living with us so all the junk that had been in storage since the incidents that led to foster care came about could were taken out and put in their respective places including a PC- Windows 95 and all.

I’d used computers at school but never at home. Now I used them in both places, constantly working on my stories. It was years later when I was 13/14 that I actually managed to have one not get deleted long enough to reach 100 pages. It was printed instantly and not read by another soul for one more year. I moved into my adoptive family’s home where they let me type all the time on their computer.

Then I went back into foster care and all was lost. Everything I wrote there was instantly trashed. I didn’t begin writing again till after I’d escaped and my Hubby bought me my very own laptop, gently, quietly urging me to pick up the craft once again.

Long story short- I love typing. It’s so much a part of my life. I can measure whole spans of my existence by the typing I’ve done.

I’m full of thoughts right now. They swim in my blood and buzz in my brain. Constantly keeping me alert of so many things… cracks in the world, cracks in the people around me, and cracks within myself. Sometimes I think it’s amazing to see so much- there was a time when I didn’t see anything at all, but now… it’s like looking at colors we have no human word for. It’s so much to take in sometimes. Things are still so new to me.

Part of it is from where I’ve been and part of it is where I’m going. I’m never sure it’s part of the present because it’s like a special kind of perception that doesn’t alter. It stretches from one side of my existence to the other and I’m never quite sure what to do with it.

Sometimes I get so anxious I can’t sit still. Spikes of fear bombard me from the very core of myself and it’s rather hard to overcome something that comes from yourself. Sometimes I see so much beauty around me and so many different connections between things that I want to take a magic marker and carve a colored path through the air and show it to everyone. Sometimes I see the rock hard surface of the world around me and I feel that overwhelming urge to accept things as they are, the softer side of my heart telling me it will never change but then I remind myself that even stones can be worn away by time and the elements- and if given enough effort, the human hand.

I don’t know really why I’m writing about this but there’s just so much going on inside my head all the time. If I could type, and type, and type for a year straight I still don’t think I’d manage to find a moment of silence. I’m not sure I’d be thankful if I did.

Everything has meaning and meaningless things are nothing.

I wonder at it all and have so many questions for the universe. Forget the big ones- everyone wants to ask those, I want to ask about the smaller things. The over looked, under cared, little tried things. I want to do so much, say so much, and show so many people my thoughts and share them.

I’m working on it, so maybe someday, I’ll find a way to get this urge out of me. This constant need that fills my brain with wordless… something. Someday I’ll figure out how to express the things I’ve never known how to let out. :)

Someday.

Ideas are going to be the death of me. I’ve starved myself of caffeine for over a year now and my muse is still talking thirty miles a minute. It’s beautiful and unfair. As a writer I love having the extra surplus of random story telling that constantly rolls through my mind but as a whatever else I am I feel this urge to try to finish projects. I never it in school but man do I feel it in my writing.

Anyways, I have another idea. I’m going to buy another web domain and possibly sell or park one of my other ones. The second bit is a second undecided story for another time. As for the new one…

I bought Written-Whispers to use as a writing website. WW was the name of a blog I’d started and evolved from on Blogger. My idea at the time had been to run my blog on one part of this domain, like I am, and run the writing related stuff (the writing stuff not related so intimately with my life) on the other side but it seems I’m having trouble doing that. On one hand I don’t want the extra attention here on my blog- I do and I don’t. I want to be found by people seeking, but the writing end of things I want to be found by everyone.

On another hand, I don’t want the two bleeding over into each other or overlapping each other. Another hand is that I want to do sooo much more with a writing website (forum, active prompts, guest posting, etc) that I just don’t want to be connected to my more intimate writing unless I’m specific about it.

*sigh* So, anyways. I’m thinking of buying another domain. I already know I can manage multiple sites, create my own template, and get visitors as easy as dropping a coin into a hat. I’m no newb on that side of things, but I’m still not sure if I’m ready. I want to have the idea and direction as complete in my head as I can manage before I run gallivanting off down the path but that’s always easier said than done.

My idea is mostly geared towards ‘writing out the darkness’ and stitching old wounds up with words. I can relate to it and I know enough about it. I want to give people- like me, like you- a place to find. I want to share my opinions on the writing world not from the perspective of a publisher, a professional, a frequently published author, or someone who’s taken classes but as someone who writes because they need to. They need to in order to breathe. :) These people might be professions or just the average teen with a pen in her hand. Either way I want to be coming from that direction no matter what I put up there.

I want to collect others who’ve lived through scars so all of us who fall back into stories can see we’re not alone. :)

I’m thinking of calling it Scribble Twitch or something akin to that. Other name suggestions are welcome. :) I’ll be looking for a lot of help from various writer buddies or anyone with a writerly opinion to offer.

I had another thing I was going to write about in this post but I’ve forgotten it. Oh, well. Good thing I’m into multiple posting. Saw my friends tonight and responded to comments but I’ll write all about that jazz later on.

Peace, love, and wordly thoughts of doomification.

PS- Some kind soul resubscribed me for Poets & Writers magazine. YOU ROCK MY STRIPPED SOCKS!

I am now the proud owner of cosplay (costume) cat ears. That plus purple hair tends to equal an interesting experience while walking through Walmart. Even without the cat ears I think my favorite thing is hearing children- anywhere, exclaim “Mommy, mommy! They look like cartoon characters!” or “Lookit her hair!” :) Kids are cute, even the one firmly running her nose up and down a glass door, leaving little streaks all the way.

Most of you’ve already heard my rant on why I have purple hair [link to post] but why wear cat ears? Why sport striped socks that go all the way up to my thigh? Why sing karaoke while prancing through the mall?

Because I can. It makes me happy and as ‘weird’ tends to summarize my nature in most vocabularies I usually get a few odd looks here and there. Might as well do something outstanding and know what I’m getting them for. :)

PS: Been awhile since I’ve had some happy posts, eh? The darkness might still be around me but for anyone else reading this who’s lost in their own darkness- I want you to know something: The dark only seems so big and bad because you have such light in you that it must cast a heavy shadow. :) I’d be more worried if there wasn’t such darkness in my life here and there.

Peace, love, and carrot colored pizza sauce.

Tee hee. :) The day I’ve had,… less eventful than some, more eventful than most.

First was therapy. That was uneventful for the most part. We’re supposed to fill out paperwork every three months to reassess my goals,… needless to say that was an epic failure- not on any one person’s part really just because they can’t seem to properly schedule me and keep said appointments. I haven’t met a single one of the goals on my paper so I think it’s a joke to continue assuming I’ll be done with therapy within the six month term they originally predicted for me. Especially if you know that I only have one month left.

My new therapist seems to get that things haven’t exactly gone as they were supposed to and I have good faith that she’ll do her best to see that this three month period doesn’t go as choppily as the past five have.

We spoke a little about spiritual beliefs- that was an interesting explanation but she seemed to understand what I meant (I like getting the feeling that people understand what I mean on specific matters like that). Better still she took my beliefs (not religion- religion to me is more like an after dinner joke) and helped me work through them to better understand my own disturbing thoughts concerning other things. I’ll probably post more on that later because I’ve been given a lot to think about but on to better topics first.

I saw my friends today.

:) *giggle giggle* :)

If you’re confused see the previous post. Anyways,…

Yesh. We met up at the bookstore and there was much hugging, spazzing, and random poking in the nose. I made them pet me because my hair is freshly dyed and oh so soft and purple. Lol.

We wanted to hang out longer but the roads were bad out and my poor Hubby hasn’t been feeling so hot lately- he ate some bad food, so I’m going to be going back up there next Thursday since that’s their one day off in the week and I don’t have an appointment.

Squeeee! I’m so happy. They haven’t changed at all though I swear Ni’s gotten taller. Either that or I’ve gotten shorter but I refuse to admit that in any way shape or form. They’re still wonderful, spazzy, understanding, and just wonderful people. Ju is a little quieter now, I’ll have to fix that. Everything else aside it’s like we haven’t had a three year gap in seeing each other.

Lol. I have to laugh. By now we all know I’m an anxious sort of person. So is Kei, when she gets nervous around people she gets quiet so I have to poke her multiple times. Me on the other hand, when I get nervous around people I do the exact opposite. I’m quiet but as soon as I start talking I don’t stop. I nervously fill any possible silence with random babble about anything.

Methinks they remembered this because if they noticed they didn’t say anything. :)

We played with the stuffed animals in the bin, looked through some horror comics, talked about cosplay, where to find the best manga online, and I think I might have even convinced them to come to the next anime convention with me. :) Mwahahaha. That would be exciting.

Alas, we eventually had to say out temporary goodbyes but it was funny. Every time we started to say goodbye and that we had to get going we’d suddenly find something more to talk about and spend another ten minutes going on about it. :) It was awesome.

I’m so happy. :) So many wonderful people in my life.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I can say/type that without shame because I’m the one who chooses to go. It’s weird,… I have a thought in my head but I think I’m going to keep it and move on. If it comes out as I go then kudos to me, right?

After therapy I’m going to go meet the two friends I mentioned post before last- the ones I haven’t seen in years. I do have something to say about this.

You really should cherish your friends.

Fleeting moments that don’t seem so fleeting at the time. Cherish fights and awkward silences because when you look back you’ll remember those too- not with a bittersweet taste thick on the back of your tongue but with… I don’t know. I’m filled with an emotion I can’t describe. They’re moments, precious, precious moments. The good, the bad, the weird, the random.

We never had any real fight but my point still stands as I sit here thinking back. Just riding home from school was a moment with my friends. Even the most simple thing, I can’t help but look back and smile.

I live everyday under a thin umbrella of fear- fear that I’ll lose the ones I love. I’m so used to losing people, to having them taken away from for me, or life just happening. I’m so used to it that it’s a reflex for me to expect it. When I sit with my husband I take in his scent with the single thought that when something does happen I want to remember it forever. When Kei and I are with people I always try to poke her real hard when she gets quiet because I want to have those moments to look back on even as the bruises (given with love) fade.

I’m always so afraid but… and I could laugh and cry happy tears at this, but I think the universe is trying to tell me it’s okay to have a little more faith in it than I’ve been giving lately. I’ve had so many people taken away from me… and now two of them have been brought back into my life.

I just feel so much about this. :)

I lost Kei for awhile when I moved away, it took me two years and a lot of patience with some less than healthy people but I finally got her back.

Despite everything,… everything I have my Hubby. I don’t know why he loves me, why he doesn’t find someone better- because I know I can name twenty women off the top of my head who want him. I don’t know but despite it all he’s never left me. He doesn’t have any plans of ever leaving me.

My writing was taken from me for almost a year, literally ripped from my soul in a way I don’t care to explain right now. That nearly a year later it was given back to me, first with a trickle, tenderly encourage by those I love, and then with an explosion as the piece of my soul fitted back into place where it belonged.

My two friends… they tried harder than a lot of people I know not to lose me. They spent nearly five hours at a time coming to see me when I was in foster care. They,… well, they’re just awesome but alas, life happened on one too many levels and I’m very sad to say someone close to me knew where they were and how to contact them but lied to me and said they didn’t.

I had lost them for awhile, close to three or four years, but now I have them back. :) I have them back.

You might think it’s weird getting all emotional over a couple of high school buddies I have seen in a few years but then I’d have to say you just won’t get it. I’m not certain how to explain it except to say,… hmm.

You’ll hear/read me talk about my past a lot. When I do that I don’t always realize how bad I had it. How horrible those things sound to other people. You may think me unfortunate. I think of myself as lucky for the things I do have. I don’t see it as a few in comparison but a whole hell of a lot.

When it comes to people though my perceptions are a bit different. I know I’ve never had much in the way of family- that’s why I love my adoptive family so much. I know I’ve never felt as loved as I do now- that’s why I love my husband so much. I know I got screwed out of having that special sisterly bond- that’s why I love Kei, Cat, Jy, and my brothers so much. I also know I have never had very many friends or people who understand me without having to take a glance inside my head from time to time- that’s why I love my friends so much.

I could live through a lot of the past crap all over again. That stuff is survivable once you get used to it but once you’ve had such wonderful people in your life,… it’s hard to let that go without a fight or panic attack. Whichever one comes first.

I think tomorrow is going to be a good day. I’m anxious and there’s a lot I need to get done on top of being up early but I’m looking forward to all of it. :)

Peace, love, and duckies! Have a quacky night!

Okay, I am trying- that’s the keyword here, trying to be more productive in the wonderful world of my writing. I’m constantly inspired, practically exploding with ideas at every waking moment. I’ve mastered my craft to a decent level that I’m currently satisfied with. I’ve immersed myself in all things scribe’ful.

Now I just need to get something done. More than ‘something’ preferably but I’d take anything at this point. I have so many projects, ideas, plots, thoughts, and things that are just waiting on the skin of my brain to come out. So, tonight’s goal: finish five relatively small projects and start one medium’ish one. I’m not sure if this is asking too much or too little of myself but it felt like a good way to start and highly doubt I’ll run out of things to do.

That just doesn’t happen.

Anyways- as far as my five small projects go I figure I’ll go a little easy on myself and make two of them really easy. The first one is this post. It’s a great warm up to get my fingers going and turn my mind inwards and it tends to put me in the mood for working on bigger and better things.

The second project (no this won’t happen in the order of first and second but it helps me to say it that way) is another blog post I’ll probably be making later tonight, another Diary of an Edit but in order to do one of those I have to actually do some of my dreaded novel editing. :) You see how this works? Editing at least two pages will be another one of my projects.

The other two are more for other people than myself but it’ll still feel great to get them done. :) I have a drabble (from the wonderful world of fanfiction) that I’m going to write for a friend who’s sick and then a short, five chapter, story that I’m working on for Kei.

In overview:

1. This post
2. Edit some Kat’s Tail
3. Do ‘Diary of an Edit’
4. Drabble for Xean
5. A chapter for Kei
6. (bonus project if I’m feeling really productive when the others are done) Work on Solitary

As for the bigger project I’m going to start… it’s a toss up right now. I’ve had this wonderful plotness intruding in my dreams these past few night so I think I’m going to take my collective notes and try to write a vague outline of what I’ve got in my head and then dive in NaNo style and see where it leads.

Anyways, those are my plans for tonight and if I complete them I’ll probably indulge myself in another blog post to boast my tiny success but we’ll see. I have little faith in myself only before I’ve seen my track record. ;) Wish me luck.

PS- You know how I’ve been bitching about my huge keyboard lately? There’s one good thing I can say about it. I’m cold- I can’t type on my laptop with gloves on but I can over here. :) Another challenge to my poor little fingers but at least they’re nice and toasty.

PSS- I really must start my own dictionary someday. There are so many words in this post my poor little spell check doesn’t recognize. Lol.

Peace, love, and a tornado of words! I’ll catch up on comments possibly tonight though tomorrow is sounding more likely. Night. :)

Hey, all. My spam blocker has been doing some strange things yet and I have a handful of comments that were marked as spam that look like they might not be but at the same time they also look like leadway (see below) comments so I haven’t approved them yet. If you’ve made a comment and I haven’t approved it yet please let me know. I’ll keep the comments for now (unapproved and waiting) until I’ve made up my mind about them.

Comment replies will probably happen tomorrow night because I’m absolutely tired right now. Night.

PS- Leadway comments are spam comments that look normal. The idea is to post a real enough looking comment and then when it gets approved you submit a bunch more regular spam comments thinking they’ll get through the spam blocker. This doesn’t work on my site because I personally moderate all my comments, eventually reply, and actually go through my spam box. :)