Feb
Timelines
[Is timeline one word or two? Two of three dictionaries say two words, Google seems to think it can go either way.]
So, my therapist asked me to write a timeline of my life- just to outline those greater events that stick out in my memory. I said sure, it sounded like a perfectly easy project to me.
Holy crap. I could not have been more wrong.
Without details my ‘timeline’ is roughly four pges long and as I look over it… hell, as I wrote it, I had to pause for a moment to really appreciate what’s been going on in my head lately.
A therapist once told me, some four or five years ago, that she was amazed there wasn’t more wrong with me. Looking at my list I find myself more and more inclined to agree.
There are times I don’t feel like an abused kid. I don’t focus on it every moment of my life and when I do I always have this perfectly logical voice in the back of my head saying it was nothing big, you survived it and others have been through worse. When I tell people about the things in my past I speak with that same voice- it happened, it’s over, and here I am today.
But all things are a coin.
Sometimes when I get caught up in one really strong memory or another I feel… so much. I’m small, the event big, and the universe suddenly has a lot to answer for. Then the memory ends and I’m at peace with it again.
Looking at my timeline though, it’s like I can see both sides at once. I can see that compared to others it wasn’t so bad, but more so- I can see how truly screwed up my whole life has been. It’s a frustrating feeling to know I’ve survived it but I don’t feel like I have either because I’m too far away from it mentally (dissociation) or because I’m trapped in the moment again (flash backs).
It’s unfair that my perception is so screwed up.
There are people I love… and I look at this list of events and can’t help noticing how many horrible things have been done to me. There are people I don’t like- at all… and I can’t help noticing how much it’s justified. There are categories of ‘wow, that sucks’ that I never put myself into… but I could very well fit if I tried.
I’m not explaining myself right. I’m already going through a little bit of eye opener on certain things and I’m really wishing this list didn’t help because it eats away at my heart. Overall though, despite the tears and brain junk going on I’m happy. I want the world to be clear to me, my world at least, no matter how brutal it is.
26Feb
Hi Spirit,
A wonderful article!
” All things are a coin – very well described, everything has its pros and cons.
My life has been screwed up too. But it’s good to know that like you, I too survived!
All our life, it’s inevitable that we have people we dislike. Like the Bible says, forgive and bless them, and you’ll be at peace. Amen!
26Feb
the time line (i’m going for two words) :) idea is a good one. i didn’t do anything like that until I was in my late 20′s after reading a self-help book and it really put things into focus for me. best thing is to learn to forgive those people but to realize they don’t have to be a part of your life anymore!
26Feb
hugs to you my dear girl, wish i was closer I have the bubble wrap and colored duct tape. I’m also in awe of you, you are strong both in mind and body. I have always believed in what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. As always your in my thoughts….sappy eh?!
26Feb
Nothing wrong with sappy. The way I’ve been on and off lately I could use a bit of sappiness here and there. :) Lol, I want colored duct tape! *thinks of all the art projects I can make with that*
26Feb
Alas, I have some different opinions of forgivness of late for certain people but I’m not much concerned with it. The world is a tough place but a piece of coal has get a bit crunched up before it turns into a diamond. We’re all diamonds somewhere deep inside and it’s the things that hurt us that make it shine through even brighter than before. :) (Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, catching up to comments while half asleep)
26Feb
Eh, I’m a bit… scrawled on the thought of forgiveness. I believe in moving on and not lingering on the wrongs done but forgiving or absolving certain people of things just isn’t in me as horrible as it might be to say it.
You’re right, both via the word and what it did. :) The time line really did help, I’ve looked it over a few times and it’s just so hard to remember that all of that really happened to me without a list right there. It’s amazing how such a small piece of paper, a list of experiences, can effect me so. :)