Day and Writing Life

(now you know my mood’s improved- the long posts are back)

Last night I wasn’t doing so hot. I don’t feel like getting in on the details but I had one of my little episodes and it’s been stretching along throughout most of today in bits and skips. That’s not exactly a bad thing, I’d rather have it in the small increments even though it tends to last longer that way but it helps me feel more in control and less confused.

Moving on though- work was great. I’ve had some nasty stomach issues since I woke up but that aside it was an easy day. A coworker, she’s not really close to me but I think I can consider her a far off friend, was having a rough day- she has a lot of them, so I tried to help her out a little extra bit. Not sure it did much good but I’m thinking I’m going to mention something to one of the more trustworthy higher ups. She’s a great girl but little by little I see her putting less effort into things simply because she feels so unappreciative. If only someone who mattered could tell her what a great job she was doing… I think it would mean a world of difference to her. It’s not really my place to speak but I know own limits on the same thing and I hate to see someone who can smile on their bad days get burnt out like that.

As far as my writing life goes…

I feel like something has started to move forward. Like I’ve finally hit one of those spots where I move up a level and can call myself a writer with a little bit more confidence than I did a day or so ago.

I remember walking into Borders one day, making a bee-line for the writing/publishing/grammar section as I always do, and through the shelves when this thought hit me out of the blue: “I don’t need to read these books anymore.” I say ‘need’ because if it’s a book I ‘want’ it regardless of content and I say ‘these’ in reference to books that explain the basics. Don’t get me wrong the basics are good and it’s always great to see a new book out there that gives me a new perspective or refresher but I don’t ‘need’ those books anymore.

I know what plot it. I know my characters move the story. I know the importance of setting and dialogue. I know what voice is and why I have to be on the look out for redundant words and phrases. I know my writerly crutches and the top ten habits every writer wishes they had. I know that rejection should be expected but the greats are only great because they didn’t give up.

I can’t tell you how great I felt to have that thought. I’m still reading and putting half my paychecks into books, expanding my horizons as far as they can go- but just knowing I know what it takes to get where I wanna go is an amazing feeling and I’m having another one of those feelings right now for a similar but completely different reason.

I’ve taken another small step on my journey as a story teller: I know what the kind of writing I want to pursue feels like.

That’s a complicated sentence but just follow me on this for a second.

For the most part- and keep in mind that in my case this is a dangerous decision, I think I want to delve deeper into the world on creative non-fiction. I have so many stories to tell and it will hurt to tell a lot of them but as I look back on those tales I realize that all the best paths in my life have been born in scars. This one will have a set all it’s own.

I still want to keep up with the fiction of course, I have so many story ideas- I couldn’t bear to lease the land of my imagination even if I wanted to. It’s where things get healed the most but as far as the fiction goes… I don’t think I’ve found the flavor for me yet. In my novel I really got a taste for what pulling a plot together is like and divine yes’ness of what it’s like to complete a book but as far as my style in that genre goes… I’m still experimenting.

In my non-fiction things are different. It’s a much harder kind of writing for me because I’m pulling things from such a deep place but the thing is- I know the path to that place. I know what it feels like (sort of) when I’ve mined something worth wasting time on. I know what it feels like to have written something I want to hoard and share all at once.

I’m still learning bits about these things, about what works for me, and I probably always will be but I’m really excited to feel like I’m starting to know my style in this area- an area I might like to mention I thought I had no hope in. Just feeling like I’m not as out of my depth today as I was yesterday is… well, it’s a fascinating courage inspiring feeling and now that I’ve written about it I’m going to go take another leap of faith and go write some more.

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