Tomorrow I have therapy. I can say/type that without shame because I’m the one who chooses to go. It’s weird,… I have a thought in my head but I think I’m going to keep it and move on. If it comes out as I go then kudos to me, right?
After therapy I’m going to go meet the two friends I mentioned post before last- the ones I haven’t seen in years. I do have something to say about this.
You really should cherish your friends.
Fleeting moments that don’t seem so fleeting at the time. Cherish fights and awkward silences because when you look back you’ll remember those too- not with a bittersweet taste thick on the back of your tongue but with… I don’t know. I’m filled with an emotion I can’t describe. They’re moments, precious, precious moments. The good, the bad, the weird, the random.
We never had any real fight but my point still stands as I sit here thinking back. Just riding home from school was a moment with my friends. Even the most simple thing, I can’t help but look back and smile.
I live everyday under a thin umbrella of fear- fear that I’ll lose the ones I love. I’m so used to losing people, to having them taken away from for me, or life just happening. I’m so used to it that it’s a reflex for me to expect it. When I sit with my husband I take in his scent with the single thought that when something does happen I want to remember it forever. When Kei and I are with people I always try to poke her real hard when she gets quiet because I want to have those moments to look back on even as the bruises (given with love) fade.
I’m always so afraid but… and I could laugh and cry happy tears at this, but I think the universe is trying to tell me it’s okay to have a little more faith in it than I’ve been giving lately. I’ve had so many people taken away from me… and now two of them have been brought back into my life.
I just feel so much about this. 
I lost Kei for awhile when I moved away, it took me two years and a lot of patience with some less than healthy people but I finally got her back.
Despite everything,… everything I have my Hubby. I don’t know why he loves me, why he doesn’t find someone better- because I know I can name twenty women off the top of my head who want him. I don’t know but despite it all he’s never left me. He doesn’t have any plans of ever leaving me.
My writing was taken from me for almost a year, literally ripped from my soul in a way I don’t care to explain right now. That nearly a year later it was given back to me, first with a trickle, tenderly encourage by those I love, and then with an explosion as the piece of my soul fitted back into place where it belonged.
My two friends… they tried harder than a lot of people I know not to lose me. They spent nearly five hours at a time coming to see me when I was in foster care. They,… well, they’re just awesome but alas, life happened on one too many levels and I’m very sad to say someone close to me knew where they were and how to contact them but lied to me and said they didn’t.
I had lost them for awhile, close to three or four years, but now I have them back. I have them back.
You might think it’s weird getting all emotional over a couple of high school buddies I have seen in a few years but then I’d have to say you just won’t get it. I’m not certain how to explain it except to say,… hmm.
You’ll hear/read me talk about my past a lot. When I do that I don’t always realize how bad I had it. How horrible those things sound to other people. You may think me unfortunate. I think of myself as lucky for the things I do have. I don’t see it as a few in comparison but a whole hell of a lot.
When it comes to people though my perceptions are a bit different. I know I’ve never had much in the way of family- that’s why I love my adoptive family so much. I know I’ve never felt as loved as I do now- that’s why I love my husband so much. I know I got screwed out of having that special sisterly bond- that’s why I love Kei, Cat, Jy, and my brothers so much. I also know I have never had very many friends or people who understand me without having to take a glance inside my head from time to time- that’s why I love my friends so much.
I could live through a lot of the past crap all over again. That stuff is survivable once you get used to it but once you’ve had such wonderful people in your life,… it’s hard to let that go without a fight or panic attack. Whichever one comes first.
I think tomorrow is going to be a good day. I’m anxious and there’s a lot I need to get done on top of being up early but I’m looking forward to all of it.
Peace, love, and duckies! Have a quacky night!
have a GREAT time with your friends! i reconnected with a friend of mine that i had from junior high, through most of high school until we had a bit of a falling out. it took a lot of work to patch it back up but i’m so happy to have her back in my life
That makes me happy to hear.
A friendship is never really over I think, once a bond has been made it can’t be broken but I do believe it can be put on hold or turn less than positive. Never over, just different. Ours was definitely on hold and I’m so happy to have them back in my life.
Wow Spirit, it does sound like you’ve been through a lot, but it’s obviously made you a stronger, more appreciative person. It sounds like your husband is lucky to have you (and not those twenty other women).
Thankies. Hehehe, those other women don’t have a snow ball’s shot in hell.
I’ve been through a few different shadowed nooks of the universe but every time of darkness has a beginning and an end and if I didn’t see the negative I’d have no comparison to be so happy with the positive.