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December 7th, 2009
[I've gotten into this bad habit of late- writing posts and then not putting them up for one reason or another. So, this is me trying to break that. This post is from a few days back.]
I feel like I’m in a state of perpetual between. Sometimes I feel alright and sometimes I feel very not alright. I don’t seem to ever feel ‘alright’ enough to —- and I even when I feel pretty crappy I don’t feel it in a way that clues me in on what’s going on in my own head, you know what I mean?
I feel off balance but stuck in the middle all the same. I’m never going any which way long enough (or in a direct enough line) to know what the heck’s going on. Sometimes it’s maddening and other times it’s just depressing and whenever I feel like I’ve made some progress I feel pretty happy but it’s so fleeting because either I fall harder the next time or I spend my happiness afraid of the moment when I fall.
Hmm. Feeling so lost but I know I’m moving forward. Everything is a contradiction of sorts. This can only mean one thing…
I need to write more.
I also feel in between most of the time. When that happens I usually try to break something I’m doing, like if I’ve been drinking soda all day I just stop and reorient myself on something new and it helps break the in betweens :) And, of course, writing is good for that as well!