Back In Many Ways
November 20th, 2009
I’m back and in more ways than one.
I feel great. Mildly inarticulate but still absolutely wonderful. It’s difficult to put into words- lately when I’ve felt ‘Okay’ it was usually preceding a moment of extremely ‘Not okay’ and every time I felt like everything might be alright, like maybe there wasn’t something actually wrong with me- I was quickly proven wrong.
This time though- things are different. I feel wonderful. More than content but less than… not sure. I am happy though. I don’t feel as if everything will be alright or nothing is wrong- those still linger in me like a bad taste but while I don’t feel like it will be alright I feel alright. Hmm… told you I was a bit inarticulate. To sum it up: I feel happy and I’m at peace with knowing I’m still a bit broken.
Last night I had a long talk with myself- quite literally and came upon a revelation of sorts. It’s still a bit new, rattling around inside my head, but it’s there and taking root in every place it touches. Between my spirituality (not religion) and writing I think I’ve figured something out. It might not be the light at the end of the tunnel but at least I know what the tunnel looks like now and in what rough direction it’s heading. That’s definitely something in my book.
I think… I’ve made a little bit of sense out of what’s wrong with me. I mean- don’t get me wrong there’s a plethora of things wrong with me just like every other person but it’s this specific set of issues that I’ve been having so much trouble with these past few months.
But I’m making sense of it. I think in some way I’ve been making sense of it for so long but I didn’t even know it… so complicated. So confusing.
So wonderful.
I love how you say you are inarticulate but then this post is beautiful and hopeful :) glad you are feeling OKay. Okay is a wonderful state to be in!
Lol, I feel pretty inarticulate lately. There’s just so many things I want to say and describe but I just don’t… I feel like I’m grasping for the words instead of having them rush to/through/from me. Like it’s constantly taking more effect to pull the descriptions from myself though I suppose that might actually be a good thing in some ways. Gotta have something to strive for. :)
Thankies and muchly agreed. I’d take ‘okay’ over many a thing any day.