Written Whispers

Going back over my most recent posts I find myself a little more than a little disgruntled at how down a lot of my writing seems lately. Even if my style is gaining strength I’m not certain I’m willing to take such a trade off for the positivity that usually rages through my words but I can’t fake it. I’d love nothing more than to sit here and write something about how I feel like I’m overcoming all this stuff but I’d be such a liar.

I know I will.

[I know I haven't posted too much lately but I have still been writing- it's just that a lot of my stuff is floating on the more negative side from occasion and it hurts me to look at it more than once so I haven't been posting everything. Should be back to regular posting here petty soon though. Until then please enjoy my ever random musings. I hope they help someone else much as working through them helps me.]

I know that but that doesn’t change how I feel. I want to fix this. To pull myself back together and stand strong against these dark winds and I know that’s exactly what I’m doing because if I wasn’t I sure as hell wouldn’t be writing this- but at the same time… I don’t feel like that’s what I’m doing. As I’m standing strong I feel like I’m falling down and down. As I work every moment to pull these fractured pieces of myself together I also feel like more and more is chipping apart and the smaller the bits get I’m not always so sure I can be repaired again…

Even though I know I can.

Even though I know these things… my own words don’t comfort my heart. There are so many times I’ve rallied against the inner darkness that strikes everyone from time to time and I’ve pulled myself out of it and I KNOW I will do it this time but I want to FEEL it.

Knowledge is nothing without feeling. Others will think different but if life has taught me one thing it is that. There are times when, despite my knowing elsewise, people less inclined to look after my own interests have convinced me of things. Taken my knowing and twisted it until it was used against me and you know why it worked? Because I didn’t feel it.

There have been times when everyone I was surrounded with told me a liar- I knew better but they would have been able to convince me (I know this too) if I hadn’t felt the truth in my own words. Felt the conviction. Felt what was right.

Now I know that everything will be alright in the end and I can keep telling myself that but it won’t work. Until I find the words I need to make myself feel like I’ll be alright in the end I think I’ll be wallowing just a bit longer. I know I can do this. I just need to feel it now.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 29th, 2009 at 5:00 am and is filed under Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Really Random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.