Jitters
October 21st, 2009
Not doing so great at the moment. It’s starting to happen more and more often. This feeling of being absolutely terrified for no reason. My heart rate jumps. Adrenalin pumps into my veins. My stomach burns and it’s like I can’t keep still. I’m not shaking but it’s… it’s weird. I can’t sit still. I just can’t.
Last night I lay next to my husband, the two of us trying to sleep and about half an hour into my ‘lay there for three hours and try to fall asleep’ ritual it started. I don’t actually shake but I do jitter. I tap my fingers and toes and I flick my wrist- I do that a lot when I get agitated. The shaky feeling, it’s like I’m shaking inside. I feel like something awful is going to happen or like I’m about to be chased and it’s horrible. Looking back over the nightmares in my life the ones that lingered the longest were the ones where I was being chased.
I can’t stop it and I can’t really explain it. Not to my own satisfaction.
It’s worse when I’m alone. Most of my… stuff, for lack of a better word, centers around being alone. It’s a huge trigger for my PTSD which is a bit extra sucky because I rather like my quiet life but at the same time it offers so many opportunities for those dark things to sneak in.
Lately some of the stuff has been happening even when I’m not alone. We’ll all be sitting there watching a movie and then bam! It starts. The movie doesn’t have to be related to any of the past stuff either. I think I might have figured some of it out though just like I figured out that the ‘mental-whispers-of-doom’ start just after severe flashbacks or when I’m alone I think the jitters and feeling of something horrible about to happen starts whenever my mind isn’t occupied enough.
I’ve been trying, hard, to keep myself busy but it’s so easy to pick a task and then set your mind on autopilot while your body moves to complete it. It’s not even something conscious. I try to work on my stories all the time but I’m not one to chance a burn out. Mental puzzles, anything to take up all the empty space within. Where there’s space there are memories or nameless shadows gasping at me from some deep dark crevice.
*sigh* Anyways, I think the writing of it has helped me. Time to work on one of my projects.
i know you don’t necessarily want to go on medication but you might try ginger gum or ginger tea, maybe even OTC dramamine which helps me with a calmness so i can get some rest *hugs*
They make ‘ginger’ gum?! *runs to look it up* Holy cow. There really ‘is’ such a thing as ginger gum. I didn’t know that. I’ll have to look into that because something that could chew- and the constant movement thereof, would be really nice. I’m a temporary gum person right now anyways thanks to my upper wisdom teeth pushing through. Have to be careful of the teas right now, me being a non-caffeine person it gets a little tricky where tea is involved but if ginger is the way to go I’ll find something with it in it. Dramamine… I’ve heard of that somewhere before. I’ll have to look into it. Thanks for all the great suggestions. I’m darn bound determined to try anything at this point.
I can only try to imagine what you’re going thru (and have gone thru — your words paint vivid pictures, yet I know there’s a lot more unspoken). Right after submitting this comment, I’m going to do what is called “shoebeating” for you, and then send good vibes your way. I hope you feel the difference!
hugs,
~willow~
Thank you very much. I need all the help I can get- though people keep telling me I’m doing better than I think I am I still don’t much feel it, lol. Things are getting better- there ‘is’ a lot left to be written but every stream must start with a trickle. :) Thankies again.