Today Sucked
October 4th, 2009
Just a rant. Read at your own risk.
Today sucked.
There really isn’t more to it than that. I’m to the point where I’m not putting my all into my job anymore and I’m not sure what I’m disappointed in more- myself for burning out or them for just being the way people are. Either way I know I can’t continue on with the way things are right now. I’m supposed to be relaxed or ‘de-stressing’ as I’ve been told and while it is possible at work it’s just not happening right now. People have gotten used to me being the reliable one and as much as I’m proud of that title I’m tired of getting stuck with all the crap work.
I’m also tired of people lying to me to get me to do what they want. I’m a good worker and I’ve proven that fact time and time again. They know all they need to do is ask me and I’ll do what I can but no. Instead they lie as persuasion and as far as telling my ‘boss’… well, his response to my ‘complain’ came under the lines of ‘So?’
Yes. I’m supposed to be relaxing.
Yes. Relaxing excludes dealing with the normal every day stresses of life that can’t be avoided.
Unfortunately for me the stress that’s happening every day isn’t on normal levels.
One of the things I hate the most about what’s going on inside my head right now (flashbacks and mental screaming aside) is the way even little bits of stress suddenly effect me like big bits of stress. For example, Kei and I came in at our normal time and set to working on our stuff right away like we usually do. We don’t goof off and then settle into our routine unless someone has taken off with the radio again.
Well, not even five minutes after we were all set with what we were doing one of the cooks asked me to peel 220 potatoes. Okay, that’s actually not bad. I like prep work personally. It’s a change of pace and I love working with food even if it’s only that but we had two functions (main restaurant buffet of 111 people and a wedding reception next door for 110) going on and we still had stuff on our station that needed to be done. We always have a full counter of stuff to do before the other kitchens start calling us away but to have to help someone else with their stuff too… it gets a little hard when there’s only Kei and I. We’re expected to help everyone else out but no one comes in and helps us do our job which is understandable- cleaning, running, washing, fixing, and finding is tedious and occasionally disgusting work no one wants to do.
So I told the cook he’d have to wait until we were caught up but he still persisted. Eventually I got him to wait till Kei and I were halfway caught up and then one of us would come peel while the other kept up the kitchen but then she got called away to the wedding reception and I was left by myself to peel the potatoes and do the dishes. I kept telling him I needed to go take care of my dish room but then he had to tell me he needed all those potatoes within an hour and a half.
So… I peeled potatoes because it’s in my nature to feel sympathy for people in a pinch. I would have helped anyway but it would have waited till I actually had time.
An hour later he told one of the servers he told me it had to be done in that time but it really didn’t have to be done till tomorrow. I was so upset and then all these people started running in and telling me they were all out of plates and I could literally hear the things stacking up in my dish room but he still wouldn’t let me go back saying ‘oh, it won’t be that bad. You’ll catch up.’ and I tried explain to him how I’m so sick of people asking me why I’m always at work so late at night but he kept saying it wasn’t that bad- keep in mind he was standing where he could see my dish room while I was barricaded with boxes of potatoes where I couldn’t.
Then him and another cook both splashed me in the face with potato water (unintentionally though they way they laughed about it was irritating as hell) one right after the other and kept trying to make absolutely useless conversation with me. No, I don’t give a crap that you had to fix your van radio!!!
Normally when I have days like this I grit my teeth and bear it. Complain to the proper people when I get a chance i it’s worth it and then trudge through my work no matter how late it takes me till. I might be grouchy and mentally cursing but I find a way to get through it without too many curse words or thrown pans. Today was different. Today, five potatoes left and four different people needing my attention I just stood there and started crying.
If only because I couldn’t scream.
It was ridiculous. This was pretty normal as far as bad days go but I literally just broke under all of it. I’ve cried before under stress, not too often but a few times but usually I can keep it under wraps until I’ve gotten a decent distance away from people even if it means I need to walk away while they’re talking. This time I was down and out before I even knew it and I had to run upstairs to the locker room and ball for a good ten minutes- literally just sobbing against the wall like it was something so much more than 200 some odd stupid potatoes and a bunch of potato-brained people.
Usually I can take a deep breath, remember some Tao, or quickly imagine the most absolutely rude thing I could say to them to make it up to my angry inner child but this time I just couldn’t shut it off and afterwards I didn’t even feel better. Instead of crying being a release I felt even worse; numb, cold, shaky.
I don’t know what’s going wrong with me but I need to fix it soon. Something has to give or change or just flat out stop because I don’t know how to handle any of what’s going on with me anymore and I’m sick of ‘okay, now take a breath’ because that doesn’t work anymore. It’s worked for years but right now my brain is just seriously malfunctioning.
That brings me to another thing. When I talk about constantly seeing and reliving the past to the point where I’m crawling the walls within my own skull- I get awfully sick and tired of hearing people say ‘leave the past in the past’ because you know what? I did and it followed me. I can’t turn it off. I’m not just ‘thinking’ about it, it’s re-happening to me over and over again.
I want to scream.
I want to shiver.
I want to cry.
And too many times I want to lie down and let it all suck me down but none of that will make me feel better. I know. I’ve tried it all. I just need an off switch for things within that are beyond my control. These little malfunctions and shorts within the wires of my brain just need to stop. I need to be able to think clearly again and feel like my head is my own.
*hugs* i know it will be hard but if you can find another job you really should start looking around. when i got to the point you are at i really needed to make a change!
You’re right, I know you are, but I have trouble letting go of the familiar and entering a brand new line of work feels stressful even thinking about it. I’m going to wait a little bit- get all my ducks in a row so to speak and then see what cards I have to play. Hopefully it’ll all work out the way it needs to. :) Change sounds good.
Hi Spirit…boy do I know the feeling! On a very stressful job, years ago, I started crying because of sheer frustration. A supervisor I’d had issues with (after 13 years on this job – one supervisor!) told me maybe the stress was too much for me. I told her in very low, ominous tones, crying is considered acceptable behavior as opposed to putting someone’s head through a wall. I then walked away. I don’t suggest this behavior for anyone, especially on the job! However, in that instance, the supervisor apparently decided I didn’t need her guidance and she was never a problem again. Just know there are good days and bad; as simplistic as it sounds, choosing to think of something completely different but completely positive really will help you get through the bad ones.
Lol! Well, that’s certainly one way to get rid of a nasty supervisor but you’re right- I probably shouldn’t try it. Most of the time I’m able to handle this kind of stuff but the more the PTSD comes out… it’s just too much to handle all at the same time. I can’t always be the perfectly level headed worker and the attempting to stay stable shadow of myself at the same time. People who suck… well, they don’t help matters. It’s not always a bad day but sometimes just a bad interaction with someone else.
Still, you’re right. Good days and bad. Each day is one to a time. :) I’m getting there. It’s always a journey, never the end but so long as I don’t stand still I think I’ll make it through. Thankies muchly for your comment and for visiting my blog at all. I really appreciate it. Peace out!