Oh,… Well, That Makes Sense
September 29th, 2009
Well, I went to see the peoples at mental health clinic today and received the ‘offical’ diagnosis of -gestures with wild vagueness- all this stuff that’s been going on in my head, the not so normal (for me) cloud that’s been infiltrating my every thought. Honestly, I’m not as surprised by it as I could be.
My biggest concerns were- in this precise order, that whatever it was would cause me to lose sense of my self and the world around me and secondly that it would be one of the things that contributed to my bio-parent being the not-so-great person she is- that I would have one of the same disorders she did. Fortunately neither are the case. I could still lose sense of myself if I was in bad enough shape to allow it to happen but as I am right this moment I’m not going down without a fight. I’d have to be stressed, depressed, and a lot of other things for that to happen. As it stands I’m just thrilled it’s not one of the same things my parent has.
Though,… she is still in a large part responsible for it. Turns out I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that is or has possibly developed into something more severe recently. Both the lady at the clinic and my Hubby think a lot of why it’s worse right now than it ever has before is because right now, in this stage of my life, is the first time I’ve ever really been without the trauma which is why it can be worse even when I’m really happy.
Memories flooding back constantly… I can’t help but cringe. I’ve always been one to live in now- survival depended on it but it’s not just that. Life is just happier if you live in now. Living in the past doesn’t change it. That’s what I’ve always believed but now I can’t turn it off. It doesn’t matter if I’m not thinking about it. The flashbacks and other things still come to haunt me, tearing at my inside with invisible and greedy claws, seeking purchase in my unwilling being.
Like I said, I’ve always lived in now but it’s like trying to sleep when someone keeps turning on this huge television with an obnoxious sense of volume. I can relax, tell myself I can make it through it and let the sound pass around me, but it still effects me. I can cover my ears and eyes, scrunching my every sense closed- but it just doesn’t work and so I’m going to go in for counseling. I don’t want them to fix the PTSD- that’d be nice but I know enough to know that’s not how it goes, I just want to learn some better coping skills for the new things that are attacking me from within.
I’ve been anxious and afraid as long as I can remember. Even when there’s nothing to be scared of I can’t help but tense, still I’ve always had a sense of adventure. I seldom socialize to the extent that most people do, starting a conversation frightens me but I’ve always done it anyways because I know once I start it and the boulder is rolling down hill I’ll be fine and the anxiety will go away but now this new anxiety which is much the same (always constant for no reason) is on a much more extreme level. I know how to handle the little bits I’m familiar with but not this new stuff.
Same with the flashbacks, memories, and nightmares. I’ve had them all my life but not to the extreme of now. I could handle them before but I don’t know how to handle them when they’re getting in the way of work, home, and just general life. Then there are the ‘brand new’ symptoms… the swirling mass of demented figments inside my head. I have no idea how to even begin dealing with that.
The lady at the clinic suggested I consider medication but I told her no- for now. Just like the last time I decided to seek help for something. I want to try to learn how to cope with it on my own. If I can’t then I’ll take that last step but the world is already too vastly medicated and I know what kind of stuff they want to put me on. They used the same exact pills to control us in my early foster care years and they come with some pretty nasty side effects even nowadays with the proper usage. I’m not interested in being a zombie, going through seizures or anything like that. While they might make this one issue of many go away they’ll also steal some of my ability to perceive the happiness around me and I refuse to give that up. Sunshine in my life has been too few and far between to waste it even when I have the star itself in my possession.
Post traumatic stress disorder. Wow. I wish I could say I’m surprised but I don’t feel it. Either way it’s nice to have confirmation. It gives me a name for the darkness and as I name it so can I fight it. As a writer I can give it form through my words- taking the intangible smoke from my mind and then slay it with my pen.
You may have snuck up on me, Darkness, but you forget that when you enter my mind you’re in my world with my rules. I might not know how to dispose of you this precise moment but without the battle what’s the use of rewarding myself with ice cream at the end?
first off *hugs* and i meant to ask you about this yesterday!
my first year of college (like you said – first time really AWAY from the trauma) i hardly talked to anyone and I was pretty depressed but i started writing a lot of it down to get it out of my system and looking for new things to interest me. it helps, like you said, to just acknowledge it and then go do something else.
i only medicated once for about 6 months and it really wasn’t worth it. however, if it ever gets really bad i know plenty of people who have taken the low dose stuff for a while just to get back on kilter.
another book that helped me to learn how to balance being introverted was “The Introvert Advantage” a lot of my stress, at work, was having to deal with people who were so freaking LOUD!
:) take care!
I’ll have to look that book up.
It seems so unfair that it’s when we’re most happy and finally away from the darkness that it really hits us but I suppose it’s a good battle plan for the body and mind. Nevertheless I still wish I could have just gotten it over with ‘when’ I was in hell instead of when I’m trying to live in the here and now of happy land. :)
When I was back in foster care and getting to a point where I was starting to scare myself with how dark and nasty my thoughts and emotions were getting I did go on medication for a short, short while and then got off it again as soon as I was out and in a better situation so I know if I get to a certain point I’ll take it if I need to but at the same time a lot of what I’m going through is uncharted territory for me so I suppose it’ll be a lot of trial and error.
Hopefully not so much of the latter and I hope your experiences with the past weren’t anything like mine let alone worse- I wouldn’t wish that on anybody!
it’s a step in the right direction my dearest girl. Now you will soon have the tools to fight with. I hope you are in bed and not up playing on your many sites. GO TO SLEEP silly thing. Your body needs it. And if I have to I will sick many kitties on you hehehe ok maybe not I dont think they will make it in the mail.
Lol, you may know me too well. Playing with my sites is one of those things that I’ll all too easily let keep me up long past daylight. :D You know it’s a good hobby if the clock looks like it’s reading Japanese instead of digits.
Hopefully so via the tools. It definitely helps having a name for the bulk of what’s going on but as the same time I still feel like I’m in that limbo period where everything is on the verge of moving forward but not quite getting there.
PS. Kitties in the mail… probably not so good. Methinks one of mine has learned how to send email recently though (not kidding).