Nervous
September 28th, 2009
Maybe nervous is the wrong word. Afraid, no- terrified feels more accurate. My second appointment is in five hours and I’ve yet to even go to bed. It’s still more sleep than last time but… and perhaps this may sound strange I’d rather go in on less sleep than more. Why? Well for starters, the more tired I am the sooner I’ll fall asleep so my mind won’t be left with too much time to wander. Wandering brings images and sounds to my troubled mind that I just don’t have as much strength to bear as I use to.
The other reason I’d rather not have too much sleep is because when I’m fully awake and around strangers I might censor myself- even without knowing it. I’ll also be more jittery. If I’m tired I won’t be able to hide things. I’ll just blurt it all out which is what I need right now.
*sigh* I just don’t know what to do. I want to pretend nothing is wrong. Sometimes it really seems like nothing is but… it’s those moments between that tell me all is not well.
…
I want to growl and curse, and possibly bang my fist against a wall. Questioning myself… it was all part of the training.
I have so much more I want to say but I can’t right now. Typing hurts me as much as thinking for this small moment. Goodnight.
