Thoughts In The Dark

Not doing so great at the moment- I say moment because I know it’ll get better but in this very second it doesn’t feel that way and the knowledge doesn’t really sooth me. It’s like knowing a burn is going to heal. It doesn’t stop it from burning.

The nightmares are getting ready to make a come back. I’m still keeping a dream journal though most of mine are too long to bother posting but… blurg… I can’t keep a single train of thought but last night it was like I could feel things crawling on my face. I’d wake up at least once an hour to either poke my Hubby and tell him to stop snoring (sometimes when he wasn’t because I think it started to incorporate into my dream scape) or to just think, but either way each time I woke up and went back to sleep the dream began where it left off.

There were all these things crawling all over my face. I could have sworn I really could feel them because I kept waking up to wipe my hands over my face… or maybe that’s while I was sleeping too, it’s so hard to tell at this point. Anyway, they were all over my face and then they were peeling bits of my skin off and once the first layer was gone they were digging deeper and eating the flesh right off my face.

And that’s all.

The nightmare in and of itself wasn’t so bad but all the thoughts that circled inside my head like depraved little parana were, well, they sucked. Let me forgo the fancy fluffy words for a moment and just repeat that.

They sucked.

It’s not fair. It feels like each time I start to find my balance again and the tsunami in my brain calms down it all goes to hell again. The very second I hear myself saying “Maybe I’m getting better” or “Maybe nothing was wrong after all” or my favorite “Hey, maybe it was just a fluke” then everything comes back to prove me wrong. No, the nightmares aren’t so bad- it’s the thoughts, the silence between, and the non-silence lurking in every open crevice waiting to infect wounds that should have been long healed over by now.

Perhaps,… and this is just an odd thought from a sleep deprived little Spirit, mind you, but mayhaps it’s like my scars are going backwards. My Hubby and I have discussed it and we both theorize that a lot of this stuff is coming because I’m finally in a safe place where it can, so- here’s how I see it. See, I feel safe and happy. The happier I feel the worse the inside of my head is (nightmares, flashbacks, etc). So, in order to heal the scar has to go backwards. The scab has to come off and the liquefy back into rolling blood, and back, and back, and back until the moment when the wound was made. Only then will my brain make piece with it and finally allow it to sit safely in the back of my head.

Unfortunately, remaking a wound, even if it’s only on the inside of my head, hurts a lot. Have you ever broken a bone in the same spot twice? If you have you know the more times you break a bone in the spot the more it hurts and the weaker it becomes over time until finally it just can’t heal anymore. Even if it’s for the process of healing- it hurts and I feel like it’s doing me more harm than good. I’m to the point where I don’t want to heal, I just want to live out my days with the happiness I have.

I wish sometimes I could turn my own mental voice off inside my head. The other voices aren’t great but I don’t have any control over them and I don’t personally expect control over them but my own voice- I expect some form of control. I expect to feel alright inside my own skull but the problem is I don’t. It’s like the whole piece of mush is misfiring and malfunctioning.

Once again- it’s just not fair. Anyway, I ranted, not quite about what I wanted to but maybe it’s enough for me to get some sleep tonight. I’m not thinking it is but *shrug* you never know until you try.

Peace out and happy writing everyone.

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