I’m Still Me

I can’t yet write the problem, the thing that’s been wrong with me these past few weeks but I’d like to touch base on a side issue that’s been weighing heavily on my mind ever since I discovered… things.

Some of you know and some of you don’t but I tend to be sought out for spiritual advice. Not religious, let me start by saying this right now- this is not a religious post. I’m talking about what a person does or believes to feel right on the inside. A loose definition I know but bear with me or just skip this post. I’ve often been sought out for spiritual advice or as an ear that understands- all my life, even when I was younger because I had an odd way of looking at the world from within and an even odd’er (if that’s a word) way of putting things so people could understand.

A few years ago, shortly after my leave of a really bad situation I opened a website for the ‘spiritually different,’ people who felt lost or just couldn’t find a place where they belonged because they felt so different. The site is currently on hiatus for several reasons which I won’t touch here but it was a great place with nearly 100 members. I spoke to each one individually when they joined, asking what they came to my site looking for and then doing my best to help them find it. I had a saying, if I can’t give you an answer I’ll help you find a place where you can get one and that’s basically what I did while offering a safe and open place for people to chat and write.

I bring this up just to stress the point that I like helping people. I like to help people with what’s going on on the inside. I’m not a doctor, a counselor, or anything else nearly as important but I’m a good friend, a good listener, and I’ve been down a lot of paths I didn’t have much choice in walking and others- well, they were/are just different.

Since this problem, the thing I’m not ready to talk about, has come up my biggest… no that’s the wrong word, lol. My highest priority thoughts have been related to my beliefs and feelings, my spirituality. My second thoughts, coming in at a close tie with my sanity, have been centered on my ability to help others. Now before any of you get started (and yes you know who you are Mr. Dragon, Miss. Faerie, and those of you from the other side of the net) on the same advice I repeat time and time again ‘One must help themselves before helping others’- I know. I know, I know, I know.

But I still think about it and thinking about it ‘does’ help me, even if it’s only in a way that I can understand. If gives me purpose for hanging on to the threads of reality, yes, I may have to question myself more but that’s how I became me in the first place. I’ve been worried I wouldn’t be able to help others any more, that the way I see myself and others might be incorrect because the ground beneath my feet is shifting without my even seeing it.

That was until I realized something.

I’m still me.

Even if I’m having a hard time keeping up with the things around me, the person within me is still the same. I looked back on a post of mine where I wrote about a day where I was very in tune with myself and with nature and all the things I needed to be in order to be me and I still feel that way. It’s a real feeling so while I might have to question certain things from time to time, and I’m not there yet, haven’t slipped that far, this piece of me that’s been me for so long is still me. It hasn’t changed. I haven’t change. I’ve only gone up a level, I need to look harder, try harder, to see the things I need to see but that’s the thing about life lessons. If it’s easy all the time then who the hell is learning anything?

Another event recently, yesterday, proved to me I’m still me and can still help others even if I myself need a little more help than I did before.

I discovered a co-worker of mine has been abused, spiritually and otherwise. I’ve always seen her as a strong and interesting individual, she’s so beautiful inside and out with a smile on her face and a laugh in her voice- always helping others. A very, very beautiful person in all the ways I think count. I’ve never known her home life or seen her in a foul mood (except when we’re working with children who leave melted ice cream everywhere).

Yesterday though we were talking, her, myself, and another co-worker. She mentioned something I won’t repeat, it was subtle, something many others would have never caught- but I did. Or I thought I did, I didn’t know until later when I asked her, unobtrusively as one can in that situation, if what I thought was what I thought.

Turns out my thoughts didn’t even scratch the surface.

We only exchanged a few words on the matter, both of our stories quickly spoken too bluntly for most people but with an air of unimportance in our manners because we both know that things could be worse, have been worse.

In those few moments two things happened. One, I learned what a strong, strong person she was. I learned what a strong person looks like and found myself wondering if it’s this glow about her that others see in me whenever they tell me the same exact thoughts I was having about her. And two, in just a few words, words I won’t repeat, I was still able to help. Even with everything else going on, with all the things wrong with me and my slowly tilting world- I’m still me and I could still do something for her.

I learned that just because this thing is wrong with me, maybe fixable, maybe not, it doesn’t make who I’ve been all this time any different. It doesn’t change who I have been, what I’ve perceived, how I’ve perceived it, or how those perceptions made me who I am. It does not.

It does force me too keep a closer eye on myself in the future, an unknown time where anything can happen and I might not always be able to tell if my perceptions are mine or caused by this problem. Nevertheless, nothing changes the things I’ve seen, felt, been, or done in the past. It only changes the present and each step I take in whatever direction I take it in. So, instead of fretting so much about if who I’ve been is who I’ve been I’m just going to work harder to be the person I want to continue to be and the person I want to eventually become.

Thank you D., Miss. Faerie, Mr. Dragon, the whole of my heart, and all the shadows and lights that outline the real world whenever I’m having trouble seeing it on my own.

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