I think I’m going to give on sleep for a little while. I should have been to bed three hours ago- I work tomorrow, but right now… trying to fall asleep just isn’t working out for me.
My stomach burns in a way it hasn’t since I was forced into supervised visits with my bio parent those few years ago. I know it’s the stress because I’ve been being good about the things I’m supposed to eat and not eat. I haven’t been thinking about the situation any more than I should, maybe even less than I should, but subconsciously it’s still there swirling around.
Tonight… things were… *sigh* The ground before my senses was not the ground beneath my feet. Nothing about it was stable and firm and though I told myself ‘It’s not that way.’ my body, brain, and senses wouldn’t let it be any other way. It’s like I had to lock the darkness in one room and then run to another one, following the false sense of fight or flight- good thing I tend to be a flight’er because there was nothing there for me to fight.
My eyes saw the moths flying around the lamp light but my eyes on the inside saw the shadows they cast crawling all around the ground and surrounding me. My ears heard me repeating that it was alright, nothing to get worked up over but my inner ears heard that they were after me, little swarming shadows. My heart beat in my chest, my breath quickened, and adrenalin flooded my system.
And all I was doing was sitting at the curb waiting for my ride.
This post won’t make a lot of sense to a lot of you- just know that it’s nothing to worry about. A long night catching up to me during a moment of solitude and nothing more. For those of you who do know the secret soon to be revealed… *sigh* Just a long night.
I think I’m going to be sick.