The Question
June 25th, 2009
Should I or should I not?
Many I trust say I should, society says I shouldn’t. Words once spoken can never be unheard. Thoughts once voiced can not be forgotten. I’m losing ground, the bricks that make the path literally falling away beneath my feet.
Either way I risk losing a large portion of myself. Then again, maybe it’s not loss. Not in the same sense I’ve been looking at it as. Maybe it’s just change… Spiritually speaking it is just change and I should find a way to embrace it but I don’t particularly want to. I like the person I am at the moment, for the most part, and while I wouldn’t mind an opportunity to change some things… it’s the things I don’t have a choice about changing that have really gotten me.
But I want to be able to trust myself again.
Does that want outweigh the things that are going to change?
Part of me wants to say no but that part is the liar, the coward, and the stubborn child running around my mind. I want to trust myself again, everything will be so much better if I could do that. The parts of me that will change, the things I’m afraid of losing will be so much truer- so much more real and that’s a reward in itself.
Now I just have to take that final step. Goddess help me. This is the next trial in my life, there is no failure. I either turn one way or the other. Maybe I’m totally wrong about this but I want to do everything in my power not to go down the other path. Maybe it’s all in my head (in the turn of phrase sense and not the other) and I’m overacting about something but considering the chances for this happening and the incident the other night- why on earth would I want to take a chance. Better safe than sorry as the saying goes and in this case safe could be a life altering experience.
Still.
I want very badly to play the role of coward and pretend it never happened.
But I can’t.
I’ve been fretting on and off for years over this, knowing constantly it was possible and then to turn around and find out that it’s been under my nose all along… Very disconcerting.
There are other problems I need to take into consideration that are lingering at the back of my mind in a strange and lilting way. I don’t want to be labeled. I don’t want to deal with where that label could lead. I also have my pride to contend with- I don’t want to admit that something’s wrong or even more so that I’m slipping.
Should I or should I not?
You’d think with only two choices the question would be an easy one to roll with but that’s so untrue. Things are going to change whether I want them to or not. I accept that. Or at least, I’m accepting that. Still. I can’t not decide. The world and the path is going to keep moving whether I like it or not, whether I walk it or not. This is my chance to decide which way I’m going to go. If I don’t chose I’m letting that last little bit of power and control be taken away from me.
How could I surrender that easily?
I want to but I can’t. I refuse. I won’t become like her. I won’t continue this chain.
It’s not a question anymore.
It’s a plan.
It’s a decision.
Now I just need to pluck up my courage and do it.
You can! You can! You can!
When people find out where I’m from they always wonder who I become and I say – you can become who you want to be DESPITE all that!
Let me know if you need anything *hugs*
@ Jessie: :) I’m proud to say I did it! Very roughly, very scary, but done nevertheless. I’ll write you and give you details in a bit (-is suffering from a severe head cold right now-).
Spirit,
Without knowing the circumstances, it’s hard to know just what to say. Although it is hard to accept, sometimes, most of the time, the Universe delivers and/or provides experiences that we need for some reason that may not be clear until later, maybe even much later. Usually, what I do is seek a quiet place and contemplation, then go with my gut. Where we come from and what we experience helps to shape us, but how we respond and deal with those experiences is what counts. We are what we make of ourselves. I wish I could be of more help; I hear you hurt, I feel it in your words. Hang in there and know that I am sending good thoughts your way. ~LisaB.
@ LisaB
You and I must be birds of a feather (or pens in a pack as the case with writer’s may be). I completely agree with your thoughts on the matter. I keep going to my quiet place and doing what I can to make the water’s calm but right now… it’s difficult. It’s a very odd situation, I’ll be explaining it soon and hopefully easing everyone’s worries- promise. :) Thankies muchly for all your kind thoughts. I need all the ones I can get.