Written Whispers

I’m not doing so good right now.

Given, I’m doing better than I was a few days ago, and I’m more in control of the entire situation than I have been this week thanks to some knowledge that I didn’t really want, but in the overall I’m not sure I’m doing so well. There’s always been something wrong with me, something I don’t talk about too often. It’s been under the surface for the most part, so hidden that I myself hardly think about it (and somehow that’s also part of the problem).

I thought I could keep it just below the surface forever, I now I can’t get rid of it- not completely, but under the surface was just fine. The only problem is, it’s not working anymore. I want to talk about it here but I can’t, not yet, which makes me sad. Usually I’m such an expressive person, I always feel this urge to share and make people understand what’s going on inside my head and heart but right now… I’m hiding things.

Let me write that again because it’s so important.

I’m hiding things.

I’m not entirely sure if it’s by my choice, my fears, or momentary lapse in stability that I do this or if this choice is being effected by the problem itself. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but if you knew what was wrong it would. Still, I can’t write it. Not here. I can’t say it aloud- to anyone. I’ve written about it in another place where people can help me or at least give me some experienced advice and I emailed two people I trust dearly who know my past without me having to explain a thing.

I’ve done that much but it’s not enough.

I’m hiding things and while this… other part of me is telling me it’s okay, that I just need time I know it’s lying to me. Lying, lying, lying.

I’ve had the problem all along but only in a few times has it become so obvious as for me to note it. Only the other night did it became so obvious that I had to admit there was something wrong. Seriously wrong. My control of the situation is being taken from me- no. Scratch that. It’s been being taken from me little by little all along and in the most sly of ways too. The other night though, it just happened. It was like poof! One moment all was fine and then the next all was tragically wrong with nothing to provoke it.

Yes. I’m being purposely vague, but that’s the only way it will let me be.

The worst part isn’t even my loss of control, it’s my loss of self. The problem didn’t cause it directly, in fact, it’s made me who I am but my knowing of the problem has shaken my faith in who I am and what I believe. It’s shaken my ability to help others, to help myself, and to express what I’m feeling in the most clear of terms.

I wish I never knew.

I’ve felt like this once before, when I found out most of my life was a lie, that ‘the parent’ was a drunk, and my whole world was turned upside down. I absolutely abhorred that feeling, despised it with a passion. The only difference between then and now is that no one has lied, no one has betrayed me, and past experience reminds me that I will make it through this one. I will survive but it will take time to break through the clouds to see the sky.

What remains the same is the confusion, the desire to have never known, and the fact that once again I’ve missed something so obvious if only because I was so used to it.

It’s not my fault what’s going on. I know and accept that.

What I can’t accept is the situation as a whole. It feels surreal. It ‘is’ surreal. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s real or if my mind is playing tricks on me again, but then if my mind is playing tricks on me- that’ll prove it’s still wrong.

What a loop! I want to escape it but I can’t, I just keep going round and round with these thoughts buzzing in my head (amongst other things) and I’m tired. I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of trying to discern reality from … whatever the current opposite is.

I know I should talk to people but I can’t. I won’t. Not yet. Soon, I’ve promised myself, no matter how many times that… other part of me says it’ll be alright and this is just a phase to pass, I will talk about it to someone but not yet. I’m still hiding right now, safely tucked away in near denial and silence. I’ve discovered too much in the past few days to do anything about it, I need time to absorb it all first. Absorb, contemplate, meditate, and then move forward because the world isn’t going to hold still for my mini, if extreme and sudden, mental chaos.

I will not let it have the power. I have seen darkness before and I will kindly flip it the bird long before I let it pull me back down again, this I swear upon my muse (and as a writer that’s a very serious thing!).

I think I’m going to go back and read an old post of mine, “Do you hear me, Darkness.” I need a taste of that kind of courage again and hopefully it will stimulate the rest of it that’s been laying far too dormant as of late. I really recommend reading it if you’re having a hard time of things and find the darkness trying to rule your life. A link to part two can be found at the end of part one. I’d love some comments on part two (might as well say it while I’m down here at the end of my post).

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 6:30 am and is filed under Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.