Better Today
June 24th, 2009
If you’re new here and you’re wondering just what the heck I’m talking about- never fear. I haven’t told anyone else either. :)
Doing better today. Much better but still off balance a bit by a lot of newness that isn’t really new, like an observation about something that has always been so I had no reason to notice it before.
I’m still having trouble… discerning things. I’ve begun to distrust myself and that’s a huge thing. It’s happened other times thanks to ‘the parent’ raising me to think every word out of my mouth was a lie and that I was constantly being manipulative even though I didn’t know it- you try being 10 and having your parents tell you that, if you weren’t trying to be manipulative then it’s like every other time you’re not being manipulative and you think you are!
It’s not my fault.
This ‘thing’ that’s wrong. It’s not my fault. That’s not denial, it’s just the pure facts. It’s genetics and how I was raised and possibly the result of something else but it’s not my fault.
The only thing I can fault myself for is if I don’t do something about it. I have the option to make it all better- or at the very least set up set up roadblocks of supportive people to help me stay out of the depths of this problem. That’s what I can do to battle the darkness. It’s either that or I pretend nothing is wrong but I don’t see how I can.
Scratch that.
I see perfectly well how I can but I shouldn’t. I like to consider myself a very internally brave person, at least against the issues that are inside my head and heart, so I knew when I scared myself the other night that something was wrong and I couldn’t just ignore it.
Still, I’m worried that I’m manipulating myself. I can’t help but think that and I’m not sure if it’s… the stuff… inside my head or if it’s me…
I want it to rain. It’s hot, humid, muggy, and all that other good stuff outside- and inside and it’s just so bleh. This summer I do have to admit I was better prepared for one thing, my asthma. Last summer I was frantic over it and completely unable to gauge when I was about to have an attack or how bad and worse yet I didn’t even have the right inhaler and we didn’t know then that the problem wasn’t primarily in my lungs.
This year is different. I’ve gone a few months without too many breathing issues but this whole week has been a little tougher and I suspect it’s a combination of stress and humidity. I’ve only had to break down and use my inhaler once at work so far which is awesomely good but the bad news is I had to run off and use it during a very busy time. I tried to wait it out a half an hour till I could run off an wheeze in private but it didn’t work out so well.
Oh, well. That’s life for you. :)
Feeling better, wanting rain for so many reasons but I won’t get it till later. Maybe I’ll be better able to appreciate it then and give it more meaning, once again though that’s a thought I think only I will be able to interpret.
~ Peace, dearies! I work a lot this next week so don’t worry if many of you don’t hear from me, on top of some other issues I either might be blogging a crap load or little at all. We’ll see what the stuff inside my head has to say about that idea.
PS. That photo is mine, that’s me in the mirror, so please don’t rip it off even if it is pretty.
Love the picture :)
There is something in the air right now that is making it difficult for me to breathe to…physically and on a more spiritual/heart side *sigh*
Thankies, it’s one of my favorites from the local lakes around my home. If you look really closely you can see me in the car mirror. ;)
I hope all is well where you are, I think the air (both physical and spiritual) all around the world has it’s own good and bad days. It often seems like when one person is having an off day a lot more people are as well. Fortunately it’s these off days that make all the other ones all that more special.