Written Whispers

Should I or should I not?

Many I trust say I should, society says I shouldn’t. Words once spoken can never be unheard. Thoughts once voiced can not be forgotten. I’m losing ground, the bricks that make the path literally falling away beneath my feet.

Either way I risk losing a large portion of myself. Then again, maybe it’s not loss. Not in the same sense I’ve been looking at it as. Maybe it’s just change… Spiritually speaking it is just change and I should find a way to embrace it but I don’t particularly want to. I like the person I am at the moment, for the most part, and while I wouldn’t mind an opportunity to change some things… it’s the things I don’t have a choice about changing that have really gotten me.

But I want to be able to trust myself again.

Does that want outweigh the things that are going to change?

Part of me wants to say no but that part is the liar, the coward, and the stubborn child running around my mind. I want to trust myself again, everything will be so much better if I could do that. The parts of me that will change, the things I’m afraid of losing will be so much truer- so much more real and that’s a reward in itself.

Now I just have to take that final step. Goddess help me. This is the next trial in my life, there is no failure. I either turn one way or the other. Maybe I’m totally wrong about this but I want to do everything in my power not to go down the other path. Maybe it’s all in my head (in the turn of phrase sense and not the other) and I’m overacting about something but considering the chances for this happening and the incident the other night- why on earth would I want to take a chance. Better safe than sorry as the saying goes and in this case safe could be a life altering experience.

Still.

I want very badly to play the role of coward and pretend it never happened.

But I can’t.

I’ve been fretting on and off for years over this, knowing constantly it was possible and then to turn around and find out that it’s been under my nose all along… Very disconcerting.

There are other problems I need to take into consideration that are lingering at the back of my mind in a strange and lilting way. I don’t want to be labeled. I don’t want to deal with where that label could lead. I also have my pride to contend with- I don’t want to admit that something’s wrong or even more so that I’m slipping.

Should I or should I not?

You’d think with only two choices the question would be an easy one to roll with but that’s so untrue. Things are going to change whether I want them to or not. I accept that. Or at least, I’m accepting that. Still. I can’t not decide. The world and the path is going to keep moving whether I like it or not, whether I walk it or not. This is my chance to decide which way I’m going to go. If I don’t chose I’m letting that last little bit of power and control be taken away from me.

How could I surrender that easily?

I want to but I can’t. I refuse. I won’t become like her. I won’t continue this chain.

It’s not a question anymore.

It’s a plan.

It’s a decision.

Now I just need to pluck up my courage and do it.

If you’re new here and you’re wondering just what the heck I’m talking about- never fear. I haven’t told anyone else either. :)

Doing better today. Much better but still off balance a bit by a lot of newness that isn’t really new, like an observation about something that has always been so I had no reason to notice it before.

I’m still having trouble… discerning things. I’ve begun to distrust myself and that’s a huge thing. It’s happened other times thanks to ‘the parent’ raising me to think every word out of my mouth was a lie and that I was constantly being manipulative even though I didn’t know it- you try being 10 and having your parents tell you that, if you weren’t trying to be manipulative then it’s like every other time you’re not being manipulative and you think you are!

It’s not my fault.

This ‘thing’ that’s wrong. It’s not my fault. That’s not denial, it’s just the pure facts. It’s genetics and how I was raised and possibly the result of something else but it’s not my fault.

The only thing I can fault myself for is if I don’t do something about it. I have the option to make it all better- or at the very least set up set up roadblocks of supportive people to help me stay out of the depths of this problem. That’s what I can do to battle the darkness. It’s either that or I pretend nothing is wrong but I don’t see how I can.

Scratch that.

I see perfectly well how I can but I shouldn’t. I like to consider myself a very internally brave person, at least against the issues that are inside my head and heart, so I knew when I scared myself the other night that something was wrong and I couldn’t just ignore it.

Still, I’m worried that I’m manipulating myself. I can’t help but think that and I’m not sure if it’s… the stuff… inside my head or if it’s me…

I want it to rain. It’s hot, humid, muggy, and all that other good stuff outside- and inside and it’s just so bleh. This summer I do have to admit I was better prepared for one thing, my asthma. Last summer I was frantic over it and completely unable to gauge when I was about to have an attack or how bad and worse yet I didn’t even have the right inhaler and we didn’t know then that the problem wasn’t primarily in my lungs.

This year is different. I’ve gone a few months without too many breathing issues but this whole week has been a little tougher and I suspect it’s a combination of stress and humidity. I’ve only had to break down and use my inhaler once at work so far which is awesomely good but the bad news is I had to run off and use it during a very busy time. I tried to wait it out a half an hour till I could run off an wheeze in private but it didn’t work out so well.

Oh, well. That’s life for you. :)

Feeling better, wanting rain for so many reasons but I won’t get it till later. Maybe I’ll be better able to appreciate it then and give it more meaning, once again though that’s a thought I think only I will be able to interpret.

~ Peace, dearies! I work a lot this next week so don’t worry if many of you don’t hear from me, on top of some other issues I either might be blogging a crap load or little at all. We’ll see what the stuff inside my head has to say about that idea.

PS. That photo is mine, that’s me in the mirror, so please don’t rip it off even if it is pretty.

I’m not doing so good right now.

Given, I’m doing better than I was a few days ago, and I’m more in control of the entire situation than I have been this week thanks to some knowledge that I didn’t really want, but in the overall I’m not sure I’m doing so well. There’s always been something wrong with me, something I don’t talk about too often. It’s been under the surface for the most part, so hidden that I myself hardly think about it (and somehow that’s also part of the problem).

I thought I could keep it just below the surface forever, I now I can’t get rid of it- not completely, but under the surface was just fine. The only problem is, it’s not working anymore. I want to talk about it here but I can’t, not yet, which makes me sad. Usually I’m such an expressive person, I always feel this urge to share and make people understand what’s going on inside my head and heart but right now… I’m hiding things.

Let me write that again because it’s so important.

I’m hiding things.

I’m not entirely sure if it’s by my choice, my fears, or momentary lapse in stability that I do this or if this choice is being effected by the problem itself. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but if you knew what was wrong it would. Still, I can’t write it. Not here. I can’t say it aloud- to anyone. I’ve written about it in another place where people can help me or at least give me some experienced advice and I emailed two people I trust dearly who know my past without me having to explain a thing.

I’ve done that much but it’s not enough.

I’m hiding things and while this… other part of me is telling me it’s okay, that I just need time I know it’s lying to me. Lying, lying, lying.

I’ve had the problem all along but only in a few times has it become so obvious as for me to note it. Only the other night did it became so obvious that I had to admit there was something wrong. Seriously wrong. My control of the situation is being taken from me- no. Scratch that. It’s been being taken from me little by little all along and in the most sly of ways too. The other night though, it just happened. It was like poof! One moment all was fine and then the next all was tragically wrong with nothing to provoke it.

Yes. I’m being purposely vague, but that’s the only way it will let me be.

The worst part isn’t even my loss of control, it’s my loss of self. The problem didn’t cause it directly, in fact, it’s made me who I am but my knowing of the problem has shaken my faith in who I am and what I believe. It’s shaken my ability to help others, to help myself, and to express what I’m feeling in the most clear of terms.

I wish I never knew.

I’ve felt like this once before, when I found out most of my life was a lie, that ‘the parent’ was a drunk, and my whole world was turned upside down. I absolutely abhorred that feeling, despised it with a passion. The only difference between then and now is that no one has lied, no one has betrayed me, and past experience reminds me that I will make it through this one. I will survive but it will take time to break through the clouds to see the sky.

What remains the same is the confusion, the desire to have never known, and the fact that once again I’ve missed something so obvious if only because I was so used to it.

It’s not my fault what’s going on. I know and accept that.

What I can’t accept is the situation as a whole. It feels surreal. It ‘is’ surreal. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s real or if my mind is playing tricks on me again, but then if my mind is playing tricks on me- that’ll prove it’s still wrong.

What a loop! I want to escape it but I can’t, I just keep going round and round with these thoughts buzzing in my head (amongst other things) and I’m tired. I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of trying to discern reality from … whatever the current opposite is.

I know I should talk to people but I can’t. I won’t. Not yet. Soon, I’ve promised myself, no matter how many times that… other part of me says it’ll be alright and this is just a phase to pass, I will talk about it to someone but not yet. I’m still hiding right now, safely tucked away in near denial and silence. I’ve discovered too much in the past few days to do anything about it, I need time to absorb it all first. Absorb, contemplate, meditate, and then move forward because the world isn’t going to hold still for my mini, if extreme and sudden, mental chaos.

I will not let it have the power. I have seen darkness before and I will kindly flip it the bird long before I let it pull me back down again, this I swear upon my muse (and as a writer that’s a very serious thing!).

I think I’m going to go back and read an old post of mine, “Do you hear me, Darkness.” I need a taste of that kind of courage again and hopefully it will stimulate the rest of it that’s been laying far too dormant as of late. I really recommend reading it if you’re having a hard time of things and find the darkness trying to rule your life. A link to part two can be found at the end of part one. I’d love some comments on part two (might as well say it while I’m down here at the end of my post).