The Question

Should I or should I not?

Many I trust say I should, society says I shouldn’t. Words once spoken can never be unheard. Thoughts once voiced can not be forgotten. I’m losing ground, the bricks that make the path literally falling away beneath my feet.

Either way I risk losing a large portion of myself. Then again, maybe it’s not loss. Not in the same sense I’ve been looking at it as. Maybe it’s just change… Spiritually speaking it is just change and I should find a way to embrace it but I don’t particularly want to. I like the person I am at the moment, for the most part, and while I wouldn’t mind an opportunity to change some things… it’s the things I don’t have a choice about changing that have really gotten me.

But I want to be able to trust myself again.

Does that want outweigh the things that are going to change?

Part of me wants to say no but that part is the liar, the coward, and the stubborn child running around my mind. I want to trust myself again, everything will be so much better if I could do that. The parts of me that will change, the things I’m afraid of losing will be so much truer- so much more real and that’s a reward in itself.

Now I just have to take that final step. Goddess help me. This is the next trial in my life, there is no failure. I either turn one way or the other. Maybe I’m totally wrong about this but I want to do everything in my power not to go down the other path. Maybe it’s all in my head (in the turn of phrase sense and not the other) and I’m overacting about something but considering the chances for this happening and the incident the other night- why on earth would I want to take a chance. Better safe than sorry as the saying goes and in this case safe could be a life altering experience.

Still.

I want very badly to play the role of coward and pretend it never happened.

But I can’t.

I’ve been fretting on and off for years over this, knowing constantly it was possible and then to turn around and find out that it’s been under my nose all along… Very disconcerting.

There are other problems I need to take into consideration that are lingering at the back of my mind in a strange and lilting way. I don’t want to be labeled. I don’t want to deal with where that label could lead. I also have my pride to contend with- I don’t want to admit that something’s wrong or even more so that I’m slipping.

Should I or should I not?

You’d think with only two choices the question would be an easy one to roll with but that’s so untrue. Things are going to change whether I want them to or not. I accept that. Or at least, I’m accepting that. Still. I can’t not decide. The world and the path is going to keep moving whether I like it or not, whether I walk it or not. This is my chance to decide which way I’m going to go. If I don’t chose I’m letting that last little bit of power and control be taken away from me.

How could I surrender that easily?

I want to but I can’t. I refuse. I won’t become like her. I won’t continue this chain.

It’s not a question anymore.

It’s a plan.

It’s a decision.

Now I just need to pluck up my courage and do it.

I Want It To Rain

I want it to rain.

I want the clouds to rip open with booming thunder,
And I want to see a sea of lightning splash out across the darkness.
I want the heavens to split open over my head and pour down on me with all they have to give.

I want it to rain.

I want the wind to churn and whip through my hair,
And I want to be there at the center of the chaos
With my arms open wide and eyes closed-
Spinning.

I want it to rain.

I want to let the thunder roll until I can’t hear myself think anymore,
And in that moment when the world is roaring around me
I want to scream and shout until I’m hoarse in both throat and mind.

I want it to rain.

And then…

When it’s all over maybe the quiet will return within this troubled skull of mine,
Like the calm after a storm.

~Spirit~

Better Today

If you’re new here and you’re wondering just what the heck I’m talking about- never fear. I haven’t told anyone else either. :)

Doing better today. Much better but still off balance a bit by a lot of newness that isn’t really new, like an observation about something that has always been so I had no reason to notice it before.

I’m still having trouble… discerning things. I’ve begun to distrust myself and that’s a huge thing. It’s happened other times thanks to ‘the parent’ raising me to think every word out of my mouth was a lie and that I was constantly being manipulative even though I didn’t know it- you try being 10 and having your parents tell you that, if you weren’t trying to be manipulative then it’s like every other time you’re not being manipulative and you think you are!

It’s not my fault.

This ‘thing’ that’s wrong. It’s not my fault. That’s not denial, it’s just the pure facts. It’s genetics and how I was raised and possibly the result of something else but it’s not my fault.

The only thing I can fault myself for is if I don’t do something about it. I have the option to make it all better- or at the very least set up set up roadblocks of supportive people to help me stay out of the depths of this problem. That’s what I can do to battle the darkness. It’s either that or I pretend nothing is wrong but I don’t see how I can.

Scratch that.

I see perfectly well how I can but I shouldn’t. I like to consider myself a very internally brave person, at least against the issues that are inside my head and heart, so I knew when I scared myself the other night that something was wrong and I couldn’t just ignore it.

Still, I’m worried that I’m manipulating myself. I can’t help but think that and I’m not sure if it’s… the stuff… inside my head or if it’s me…

I want it to rain. It’s hot, humid, muggy, and all that other good stuff outside- and inside and it’s just so bleh. This summer I do have to admit I was better prepared for one thing, my asthma. Last summer I was frantic over it and completely unable to gauge when I was about to have an attack or how bad and worse yet I didn’t even have the right inhaler and we didn’t know then that the problem wasn’t primarily in my lungs.

This year is different. I’ve gone a few months without too many breathing issues but this whole week has been a little tougher and I suspect it’s a combination of stress and humidity. I’ve only had to break down and use my inhaler once at work so far which is awesomely good but the bad news is I had to run off and use it during a very busy time. I tried to wait it out a half an hour till I could run off an wheeze in private but it didn’t work out so well.

Oh, well. That’s life for you. :)

Feeling better, wanting rain for so many reasons but I won’t get it till later. Maybe I’ll be better able to appreciate it then and give it more meaning, once again though that’s a thought I think only I will be able to interpret.

~ Peace, dearies! I work a lot this next week so don’t worry if many of you don’t hear from me, on top of some other issues I either might be blogging a crap load or little at all. We’ll see what the stuff inside my head has to say about that idea.

PS. That photo is mine, that’s me in the mirror, so please don’t rip it off even if it is pretty.