Written Whispers

suggested by Blogletting.com

“My neighbor has a bumper sticker that reads: “Remember Who You Wanted To Be”. Did you grow up to be who you always wanted to be as a child?”

To be honest? I’m not exactly sure I ever seriously wanted to be anything when I was growing up. Actually, I’m still growing up so let’s just say- when I was little.

I do remember, very vaguely, my bio mother telling me once that I told her I wanted to be a ‘Vegetarian’ when I grew up when instead I meant ‘Vertrinarian’ which by the way is a job I would be absolutely horrible at. How do I know this?

A few years ago I job shadowed at a Veterinary clinic, it was mandatory for my life skills class which in turn was mandatory for aging out of foster care (something I ended up not needing to worry so much about in the end). Overall it was a fun and educational experience but it’s not something I would ever want to do. I remember having to watch while they sedated this cat who had a huge tumor on his neck and not only do I not have a stomach for that sort of thing… you have to have a sort of detachment towards the creatures you’re working with and I just can’t do that.

Have you ever taken you pet to the vet and thought that they acted a little cold? This is because if they were their emotions on their sleeves they’re likely to let them get in the way of their job. I can detach when I need to but it’s not something I can continuously make myself do. In my head I need to go full force forward with emotions and use them as a guide and while that works for a lot of things… the medical field, of any sort, isn’t one of them.

So, what else did I want to be while I was growing up?

Well, a few years ago I used to tell everyone I wanted to be president just to see what they would say but that was never very serious.

I’ve always wanted to be an activist of one sort or another but that’s seldom a job in and of itself.

My bio mother wanted me to be an artist and during my last years of middle school I used to tell everyone I wanted to be a graphic designer but then I discovered that I really don’t like drawing when it’s something I ‘have’ to do.

I look back now on all the different things I’ve thought about being when I was a little kid but the thing is- they were really never things that ‘I’ thought up. They were always things suggested to me, half-hearts, or influenced by another. I don’t really think I ever honestly wanted to be anything. When I was that age, any age before a few years ago, I never really thought I was going live long enough to call myself a grown up and for a lot of the time- that was a pretty true assessment.

Nowadays? Things are a lot different. I have so many options now, so many things I ‘want’ to be it’s almost overwhelming.

Who am I kidding?

It ‘is’ overwhelming!

But I love it so it’s okay. :)

(Warning: This post was obviously written when I was running on little to no sleep. Severe randomness ahead.)

With the wind in my heart and the sun in my shoes
I’ll walk on the beach and swim on the moon.

#&$% your reality. Mine is more fun.

~Me~

How’s that for poetry? :) Lol, no. I know. I’m not even trying. Just killing time between… hmm, I forgot. No, wait. I remember now. I’m waiting for this song in my headphones to end so I can go to bed. I’m really tired but it’s a good song and if I only listen halfway through it’s going to drive me batty.

Song’s over.

Night.

Dang it!

Another good song.

I’m so weak.

I should just turn it off but I don’t have to be anywhere and I am comfy… I blame my mp3 player for being filled with all the songs I’m loving right now. :) Alright, that might be my fault too but I’m not going to admit it right now. That and I’m having a bit of fun writing randomly like this. I think I’m going to wait till I wake up to post this one though cause… oh, who the hell cares?

You know what I just realized? I have a mental potty mouth when I’m tired. By that I mean I curse more in my writing when I should really be sleeping. I wonder if it’s because the lack of rest changes the inhibitions. Hmm. It’s a curious thought but I don’t believe curse words are stored in that precise part of the brain else people with… oh, never mind. I have a bunch of intelligent thoughts in me right now but I’m feeling kind of on the lazy side so they’re just going to stay right where they are to be lost after my dreams. :)

Another good song. Mwahaha.

Ah, book editing is going nicely. One or two more days and I’ll officially have enough to be willing to send some chapters to two of my friends who have awesomely offered to help me with the line editing process. They rock so much.

Crap. I just remembered what I was working on like five hours ago and got distracted from. Dang it. I was supposed to do something, well not ‘supposed’ to but it’s something I told myself I was going to do which meant I should have done it but oh, well. I’ll work on it a little later. *adds it to my to-do list*

I actually have a to-do list now. I downloaded a program to help me manage all my tasks. I have a couple of lists that pop up at various times. Reminding me of my writerly goals, codes for sites I wanted to look up, social responsibilities, and a few other things that are probably more important but that I tend to forget more often than not. It’s pretty cool.

Ooo, I like this song too! Mwah!

You know, purple hair is very distracting if you’re not used to it. I keep seeing a few strands out the corner of my eyes and I’m like ‘Oh, what’s that?’ and turning my head and following it. I feel silly but that’s alright, it’s me and I’m quite happy and content with that.

You know what else? This is actually the forth post I’ve written this morning. I’ve only posted one of the other ones right now cause I want to refine my thoughts on the other two so the points I poured my soul out to make actually make a little bit of sense to those of you who don’t speak Feebish (what’s Feebish? Skim this post and you’ll get a general idea).

One more song and then I’m out. Tired, tired, tired. What I wouldn’t do for coffee… or rather the ability to drink coffee or anything caffeinated for that matter. It doesn’t matter how many months I’ve gone without the stuff I’m still craving it. Lol.

Another good song but it can wait. I can actually lie down and listen to the rest of these. Nighty night.

(Forgive me if I imploded your mind with my randomness. It was late, I was tired and running on the last dregs of a sugar high. I even contemplated not posting this but then I decided I’d spent the time writing it so I might as well do something with it.0

Feeling good right now. Cleaned my laptop inside and out, I’m all comfy’fied in my writer’s nest, good music going on in the background, and the whole house is silent- deep in the dregs of sleep to which I shall soon be receding. I’m sleepy but content to cuddle up in the sunshine and type the morning away into oblivion.

It’s about ten in the morning and I haven’t been to actual bed yet. I took a nap after work from eleven to four so I’m not terribly worried about lack of rest. Since I work the night shift this is pretty normal for me, lol. There’s a little headache forming right behind the surface of my skull but I’m not too concerned about it, it’s either related to all the pollen in the air (which means flowers! and that I can fix it with a pull of Claritin) or it’s because I find it awkward to use my glasses with the laptop (in which case it’s my own fault).

There are a lot of reasons why I’m feeling fantastic and a lot more why I shouldn’t be but I don’t care about any of that. I’m perfectly content to live in my own version of reality for the time being. Right now there’s nothing to deny me the illusion that this is my version of reality and you’re all figments of my beautifully creative imagination and since no one is awake to argue with that… tra, la, la!

While it’s on my mind I wanted to just mention something. The post before this one, Moment, there’s a lot of reasons I didn’t specify what it was I was talking about. One of them was I just didn’t feel like it at the time but now that the bulk of it’s out of my system I’m not feeling all that *gestures vaguely* about it. Another reason I want to touch on this topic briefly is because just after I posted it I realized some bits of it might be constrewed (not in my spell check, too lazy to look it up) as… not so good and while I’m loving the open interpretation people take from my writing I just wanted to clear one thing up. It has nothing to do with suicide, cutting, or any of that jibber jabber.

I wrote Moment about an experience I had on the way to the emergency room a few days after my car accident. By no means was I dying. I’m not willing to explain the details of what I was writing about but… let’s put it like this: My interpretation of life, all of life, and each individuals place in the universe is a lot different from what you might hear about in any religion or known philosophy. The concept is there in most of them but so few of us can look past the politics of what should be seen as nothing more than spirituality to the real heart of things. So what if this book was written by that branch and translated by this one? Who the hell even needs a book at all (the writer part of me is screaming at how I just worded that but you get my point). People can’t seem to see past their own semantics to the bits and pieces of things that unite us all and make the universe a truly beautiful and exciting place to live and to be honest- I’m not even saying this from an overtly religious view point. Looking past what everyone keeps arguing about to get to the bigger picture just seems logical, no deeper thought needed on that matter.

*sigh* Ranting. I’ll stop that now. I’m thinking about making another video blog. Something longer than usual. I don’t know why but the appeal of actually telling my thoughts to a whole bunch of strangers is… well, it’s appealing in an odd way. It’s like free therapy. I get to vent to people I don’t even know and if I don’t like what they have to say? Ha, I can just ignore them and I’m not losing anything. :)

I’m in such an odd mood right now, I loves it.

We’ve redone the purple in my hair, it’s all bright and pretty again. I love how this stuff takes a good couple of months to fade and it’s really easy to apply. This time Ree and I did it ourselves, I hers and her mine. It was fun even though I ended up wearing most of her dye on skin but I think that’s mostly from my finese with opening jars. Don’t ask, long story.

Ah, I don’t work today. It’s great. Don’t get me wrong, I love and need the hours but I like having time off after working hard the past couple of days. Not having work is a drag but feeling like I earned a break and then getting said break? Now that’s pretty cool.

You know what? This post is kind of all over the place.

Oh, well.

You know what else?

Chicken butt. That’s what. :)

Night, dearies.

[Still recovering from all the work so this post was written a day ago at a few different intervals so if it doesn't make much sense... deal with it. ;) This is part one, explaining my day. Part two, the actual thoughts I spoke of will come in a little bit.]

Ah, Mother’s Day. What a strange time for me, well, strange and not so strange- I supposed it’s only something that I’ve just noticed but I’ll get to that in my own time.

Work was interesting. Sort of. Every year we hold a Mother’s Day banquet and to be quite frank- they’re hell. It’s almost always the worst holiday up at the mountain and without fail something always go wrong. In fact I don’t think I’ve worked a Mom’s Day where the machine didn’t bust and we even had a new one this time- hardly a few months old. The heat coil busted, something about a hole in it and gurgling up water all over the place. I didn’t get to see that because it happens in another part of the building but the end result was first my machine wouldn’t fill up with water and then when it did it was ice cold.

Peachy.

The one thing I like about these horrible situations is that the cooks and head chef trust me to take over the situation. They ask me what’s going on, I tell them and what alternatives I’ve tried to fix the situation and what I plan on doing then. My fellow dishwashers listen to me, make suggestions if they have any, and even if everything is falling into chaos we still manage to keep it as a sort of well organized chaos.

I may never be rewarded for the times I take charge, no one says anything and I’m seldom thanked, but I like when everything works out. I like seeing the guests happy and the chef unfrazzled because someone else is capable of handling the situation. Even if no one says anything it just makes me feel good to know I’m doing something and actually being helpful.

Kei, E, and I (we’re all dishers) took about eight carts of dishes over to one of the other kitchens and we left E to wash them on his own. He was handling the big stuff and whatever they (the cooks) would need right away, I had Kei start in on chemically sanitizing the other half of the dishes while I ran back and forth between the two kitchens running dishes for the both of them and snagging things for the cooks.

I was also dive bombed by a crow or some sort of huge blackbird oddly enough as I continued to take carts to and fro between the kitchens. It was after some left over prime rib, lol. All in all it was a pretty rough day, a huge thing of silverware ended up on the floor, things broke, I cursed and cried at one point and then hugged a total stranger- after smashing my hand between two racked my wedding ring had fallen off. Said stranger found it about eight minutes later. Thank gods.

We were only scheduled till six but washing dishes in cold water takes forever so we didn’t get out of there until around eleven- I’m used to getting out way later but Kei and I had been there since the morning shift so it was pretty rough. When we got home the both of us passed out. I’m still worn out as hell, lol.

Crap, I’m tired. *yawns* I kept waking up last night and thinking that I was talking to someone but then I’d wake up a little more and realize I was the only one semi-conscious in the house and that I was talking to myself. So, I’d go back to sleep and then do the whole thing all over again in an hour or so. Lol, in fact it happened so many times that when my Hubby woke me up this morning I had to just sit there and stare at him for a long time before I figured out I was actually awake.

Nap time for me. When I wake up I want to go over some of my coding knowledge. I’m trying to teach myself how to write basic windows applications. Why? Well, because I can and because to me it’s about as fun as playing a favorite game is to other people that and I want to see if I can write out the code for a basic word processor. Not because I don’t have one, I’m the master of finding free software and I have all the writing tools I need on my laptop but I’d really like to see what I could make myself. Just because.

Anyways, night night for an hour.

Things are getting better around here, the stress is starting to lift up a bit since they (work) located mine and Kei’s paychecks- they were missing for a few weeks and we couldn’t afford some very important things. Because of said missing checks we couldn’t afford to take me into an important appointment and so my Hubby was all stressed out which is turn made me stressed out and unlike him, when I get stressed out… bad things happen.

Makes me sad to think about how a little bit of money can change a situation so swiftly. Tax refund and student loans are coming in soon, that will help out a lot too and I’m getting unemployment soon so that’ll be nice as well (not fired just not enough hours for a few months).

At this very moment, and keep in mind we just cashed two paychecks today, we have $8 in the bank. No joke and by the end of tomorrow we’re going to be negative $130 thanks to bills that just can’t wait.

Nevertheless, we have food on the table and gas in the truck. Because of this I think we’ll be just fine. Before it was just so hard, between medical stuff and money stuff it’s hard to find a proper balance that meets all the needs and when my Husband starts to get worried,… well, it freaks me out. I’m still pretty new to this whole ‘living life’ thing. The only experience I have in managing money comes from when I was a kid and trying to make $10 last for two weeks worth of food and while some of you might consider that impressive- it was a lot easier than learning how to manage various bills and expenses for our family.

*sigh* Money does ‘not’ buy happiness. Not by itself, but it can bring happiness in another way. Just having that $8 in the bank brings me so much joy. I know we’ll be doing better in a month when my shift picks back up (bless those drunken golfers and all the dishes they dirty) but knowing that right now we have enough money to go back into the red zone and still be able to feed ourselves… it’s a beautiful thing. Sure, it’s still a sucky situation, but we’re together and we’re full. In debt, but full.

So, I logged into my blog here today and guess what I discovered? Five comments that my email hadn’t even notified me about. :) When changing over my email in my profile I think I put @google.com instead of @gmail.com, lol. Makes me glad I checked and it was a nice uplift to the day to discover all those wonderful comments.

Reminds me, I have a lot of catching up to do via reading blogs. I plan to get to that sometime this week but I’ve some writerly obligations to take care of first so bear with me and even if you don’t see comments from me until later- I’m almost always still reading. Writing buddies make the best online books. ;)

Anyways, just wanted to make that little note. I’m going to write two chapters of fanfiction to bust into my groove for the night, and to make my sister happy, and then I think I might just be submitting a poem of mine to this one online magazine. Not sure if I want to or not so we’ll see.

Nighty night, friends.