I’m tired and I hurt everywhere.

I wish some of my friends were online so I could vent a little.

I wish I felt better.

I wish there wasn’t always something wrong with me.

I wish… other things.

I wish I didn’t complain so much.

You know what? I didn’t spellcheck this because I was too busy being me. I’ll deal with it later. Peace.

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I’ll have to attempt to make this post quick. I need to write something– it’s an urge and it feels so good to let things out, but I have to ‘try’ and keep it short because I haven’t gotten much sleep these past three days and I have to be up early tomorrow so I can catch the bus to work.

Kei and I were supposed to attend safety training today and we showed up too but it turns out the whole thing was canceled but no one thought to tell up. I have a few choice words for that but, oh well. Either way in the past three days I’ve had a total of 12 hours of sleep so… yeah.

Anyways, I’m in a pretty darn good mood. I have so much I’m happy about and so much is finally going well for me but I am a bit concerned about something. I think it’s just a mild chemical thing and when I explained it to a friend he came to the same conclusion but still– the scariest things are the kind you can’t control, right? Unexplainable depression, strong, swift, and deep. I don’t like it but it’s not like this is the first time I’ve dealt with it.

I’m thinking it has something to do with all my dietary changes. I’ve completely quit soda pop aside from about a half a glass a month but that’s when I’m seriously thirsty and there really isn’t anything else at work. I’ve dropped my artificial sugar intake to almost nothing and I’ve changed around all my usual foods because with my stomache thing I can’t eat half the things I like, at least for now. All of these changes are good, but I’m wondering if because they’re so sudden and all at once that maybe my body, and thus my brain included, is firing off other chemicals to compensate for the loss of something it’s used to?

That aside, the depression, I am really happy. I feel like singing, shouting, and dancing randomly all at once. There’s so much I have to do and I constantly feel like I’m falling behind but still– I’m happy in the process of trying to keep up with this life of mine just because it is my life.

This won’t mean much to a lot of you, but this is a really, really big thing to me that I’m about to impart. I have issues, everyone does, but mine are different than the majority (which kind of makes me happy in the end) of people. See, used to be when left alone with most of my thoughts I would have these weird flash backs of times my mother scared me. From there my imagination would take hold and apply them to modern day situations and places I frequent. I would imagine what it would be like if she showed up while was the supermarket or work.

These scenarios never played out well in my head. Either she came after me and backed me into a corner or I ended up trying to tell her off and failing terribly. Either way it’s left me looking over my shoulder much of the time. My Husband has helped me break out of the constant paranoia but the scenes never stop playing in my head, but something more has changed. Something absolutely wonderful.

I only have these things happen in my head like three times a week now. That’s a boat loat of progress.

Better still, I suprised myself the other day.

I was standing in the shower and I started going down that dark path. Thinking about the past and then thinking about the future and how she could ruin it, but that time I stopped myself and I did something I never know I could do before. I never knew it was in my power.

I asked myself what ‘would’ I do if she showed up?

And to my surprise instead of answering with another fretful episode inside my head– I told myself it would be okay. I closed my eyes and thought about it. I thought about how safe I feel inside my home and next to my Husband and even with Kei. I thought about all the people I call friends and the many more I’ve started to call family. I thought about how they all make me feel and I thought about the smile on my face that still catches me off guard to this very day.

I looked inside myself and watched an episode play out, my greatest fear– her showing up on my doorstep. Instead of letting her shout at me, accuse me of abandoning her, or back me into a corner I stood my ground and saw the ones I love standing beside me– not in front of me, not behind me, but ‘beside’ me.

I said a lot of things to this figment of my imagination that I hope I can someday learn to say back to her for real, a few things I would never say to her in reality because I don’t think she could hadle it, and a few more things out of well deserved anger that needed to be vented.

And you know what?

I haven’t had an episode since. Not a bad one. I don’t know how long this will last and I’m not going to jynx myself but I’m happy with this break and I’m proud of myself, overjoyed that I can finally feel myself healing. I’ve felt this feeling before, like a part of me was just repaired but it was always because of something someone else did. This time I’ve healed myself.

Things are good. Still depressed from time to time and I still have my issues and such but you know what? If I didn’t have a little crap now and then I think I might forget about how wonderful I feel right now and that would be a crime– an injustice to myself and all those who’ve helped me along the way.

There’s other stuff I want to say in relation to video blogging, manuscripts, my story, and misc. stuff but I promised myself I would keep this short. So, goodnight all. Thank you for reading.

Yay, my first video blog! All right, keep a few things in mind. One– this was just after work so I was tired as heck, two– my current camera really sucks, three– my laptop rather eat videos than process them, and four– this was the very first one and I had no clue what I was doing. All of that aside, I’m actually really happy with how it turned out. Much, much better than I expected.

For my first try I decided to read a recent poem of mine, most of you have heard it before, just because it seemed like a simple way to break into the vlogging world. The poem is “Twas A Poet” and if you haven’t read it before you can read it at the end of the video credits or click the link at the top of my page that goes to ‘My Writing’. The poem… is strange, written on a whim, and few will get it but me but I really don’t care.

And that’s that. Hopefully, if I can buy enough double A batteries or keep my other ones charged up (my digital camera really is not meant for video) and things work out just right I might be able to get a video out at least once a week. While I might take videos more often I doubt I’ll put them up more often just because it’s such a pain to get them out of my camera and convert them. If anything, I might do these for the main part of the site and just talk about writing since I’m more comfortable doing that than talking about my personal life– at least for right now. Kei and I have several dance routines though… we write songs. I warn you now, sugar is involved.

Anyways, that’s the video. I’m kind of sick right now so I think I’ll reply to a few comments here and then go take a little nap. Good night everyone and happy writing!

[Edit: Uhm, yeah, because I’m sick I have these thoughts that I tell myself I’m going to remember to write down because I think they’re important (though often they not) but then I don’t remember until after I’ve posted, yay, so yeah.

I know there is a lot of 'fuzz' like noise in the background. That's all my camera, really. We turned off the television, the electric heater, and my Hubby was asleep so there absolutely nothing to do that but the cam. Also, about 'Oh, little red yellow dot...' I forgot that when I click to take a video of someone I practically blind them with this flash or red and orange... now I know why the cats run every time I have the darn thing out.]