Written Whispers

Ah, I love showers. Warm water, quiet, plenty of room to think. It’s more like a ritual in meditation rather than habitual cleanliness. I swear some of my best story ideas hit me in the shower– perhaps some of my stranger ones too but I suppose that’s to be expected.

I just got out of the shower and I’m feeling much better than I did before I went in. I always hurt a bit after work– some days are better than others but most days I still come out feeling like crap but that doesn’t matter right now. What matters right now is that I feel awesome. Comfortably tired, warm, fuzzy (new pajamas will do that to you), and just… good.

Anyways, I haven’t had much time lately to make a real blog post (that and I’ve been having way too much fun with the new camcorder) so– here we go. Lol.

There’s a lot new in my life right now but when isn’t there? The world is always changing and not just the ‘big’ world but the place inside my head, my home, my heart, my dreams. Everything is constantly changing and I love it– most of the time.

My Hubby quit his job recently for moral reasons, I’m proud of him for sticking up for what’s right that and it was just a bad situation and he’s so much happier now. Things will be a bit tight for awhile but he’s following his dreams and that’s what matters to me. I can’t count how many times I’ve felt the need to do something but tried to find another rout because the one in front of me didn’t have a guaranteed path. He worries for the future but he’s doing what he feels he needs to do.

Work for me is just about the same as it was before. I still go, still get paid less than I should, still come home, still complain, and still get over it again. I’m still moving on with one foot in front of the other.

The only really newish thing going on at work is that I’m finding more and more people who’ve secretly never liked me and never said anything about it before. People who think I’m a lousy worker and who are ‘amazed’ I still have a job. I’m not sure what I think about some of these new and extremely obvious developments. On one hand I don’t really care what they think, I know I work hard– I come home every night cursing from the pain to remind myself that I’ve pushed myself to a limit, High school is long over and I’m not interested in popularity contests. On the other hand, somehow a tiny part gets to me. Mostly because these people seem to be multiplying and conspiring together (that’s purposeful vague wording by the way). I don’t like feeling like people are out to get me, worse yet I’ve been there longer, feel like I work harder, and I still get paid less. I know why I get paid less, starting pay rate now is higher than it was when I started, but it still feels like it’s backing up what these people are saying.

Anyway, new topic please.

Kei has been gone for two days. She’s off visiting with her mother. Hopefully she’ll be back in time for work tomorrow. I’m always worried when she goes up there. I know she can take care of herself but I don’t feel like anyone is taking care of her. In the end things are only my business up to a certain point and every bird needs to learn how to flap their own wings– not from being shown but by doing it themselves. I could tell her how to stick up for herself, tell her how good it feels but she won’t really know until that moment in her life comes.

In case you’ve been on Mars for the past few days (or just haven’t visited in awhile) and don’t know my happy, happy news– I have a new camcorder! It’s pretty, useful, and durable. If you look below you’ll notice I’ve started to video blog (vlog) a little bit but it’s going to take me awhile to really get going with it. We got the camera for more than one reason but I want to go into that later. It’s important for me to write about it but not right now.

Hmm, what else? Oh, yes! How could I possibly forget?

The first unofficial printing of my novel (for editing purposes) is done! Actually it was done a few days back but I haven’t had the mind to write about it until now. The current total page count with the way we have it set up is 349 pages (wow).

My Hubby suggested we take it to Staples to get it printed after I spent an hour complaining about how editing things on computer is so much more difficult than fixing things on plain paper. I was thinking about when I first used to write stories with nothing but pen and paper and complaining mostly about the temptation to do too much editing. So, he suggested we go print it and print it we did.

It’s huge! The lady even bound it for us for a discount price. Squee! It’s very huggable and makes me feel just that much closer to publishing the darn thing. Editing is going much faster now, the big thing is picking out any inconsistencies and then a few of my friends are going to help me go over it with a fine tooth comb before I get ready to do the whole manuscript thing.

Editing is definitely a different sort of playground. I had my spell check shut off throughout the entire writing process (a fact which I’m very proud of) and most of it was written in that beautiful trance like state that we creators fall into from time to time so… there’s a lot to be done yet. Not that that’s a bad thing, I’m still trying to get a process going to get the thing done. So far the only thing I’ve figured out is that if I do a little every day and watch carefully how the side of finished pages gets bigger and bigger.

A little everyday.  *sigh*

Anyways, there was a ton more I wanted to write and tell you all about but I’m so terribly tired I think it’ll have to wait for now. Thank you all you wonderful people who’ve left me comments. I’ll moderate and reply to them all soon but not tonight. Tonight is mine.

I was having so much fun with the new camcorder I decided to make two videos in one night. Took me a little while but I finally got up the nerve to make a video all on my own. It’s not the best… but I had fun making it and that’s all that matters.

Basically it’s an introduction of sorts… yes, of sorts. It was hurried and I hadn’t been awake very long but that’s alright. :D Also, to those looking in my sidebar widget– it might look like this video pops up twice but it doesn’t. I uploaded it twice to see what video codec had better quality and then I tried to delete the other version. The widget doesn’t update very well… yeah, either way though it came out better than I expected.

Best of all you can’t see how messy my house is!

 My new camcorder is here!!! To commemorate this awesome moment in time my dear sister, Kei, and I have put together a little… something very random… to cheer up a wonderful friend of mine. Kei is on the left (this may depend on your screen) with the dark hair and I’m on the right with the glasses.

I’m tired and I hurt everywhere.

I wish some of my friends were online so I could vent a little.

I wish I felt better.

I wish there wasn’t always something wrong with me.

I wish… other things.

I wish I didn’t complain so much.

You know what? I didn’t spellcheck this because I was too busy being me. I’ll deal with it later. Peace.

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I’ll have to attempt to make this post quick. I need to write something– it’s an urge and it feels so good to let things out, but I have to ‘try’ and keep it short because I haven’t gotten much sleep these past three days and I have to be up early tomorrow so I can catch the bus to work.

Kei and I were supposed to attend safety training today and we showed up too but it turns out the whole thing was canceled but no one thought to tell up. I have a few choice words for that but, oh well. Either way in the past three days I’ve had a total of 12 hours of sleep so… yeah.

Anyways, I’m in a pretty darn good mood. I have so much I’m happy about and so much is finally going well for me but I am a bit concerned about something. I think it’s just a mild chemical thing and when I explained it to a friend he came to the same conclusion but still– the scariest things are the kind you can’t control, right? Unexplainable depression, strong, swift, and deep. I don’t like it but it’s not like this is the first time I’ve dealt with it.

I’m thinking it has something to do with all my dietary changes. I’ve completely quit soda pop aside from about a half a glass a month but that’s when I’m seriously thirsty and there really isn’t anything else at work. I’ve dropped my artificial sugar intake to almost nothing and I’ve changed around all my usual foods because with my stomache thing I can’t eat half the things I like, at least for now. All of these changes are good, but I’m wondering if because they’re so sudden and all at once that maybe my body, and thus my brain included, is firing off other chemicals to compensate for the loss of something it’s used to?

That aside, the depression, I am really happy. I feel like singing, shouting, and dancing randomly all at once. There’s so much I have to do and I constantly feel like I’m falling behind but still– I’m happy in the process of trying to keep up with this life of mine just because it is my life.

This won’t mean much to a lot of you, but this is a really, really big thing to me that I’m about to impart. I have issues, everyone does, but mine are different than the majority (which kind of makes me happy in the end) of people. See, used to be when left alone with most of my thoughts I would have these weird flash backs of times my mother scared me. From there my imagination would take hold and apply them to modern day situations and places I frequent. I would imagine what it would be like if she showed up while was the supermarket or work.

These scenarios never played out well in my head. Either she came after me and backed me into a corner or I ended up trying to tell her off and failing terribly. Either way it’s left me looking over my shoulder much of the time. My Husband has helped me break out of the constant paranoia but the scenes never stop playing in my head, but something more has changed. Something absolutely wonderful.

I only have these things happen in my head like three times a week now. That’s a boat loat of progress.

Better still, I suprised myself the other day.

I was standing in the shower and I started going down that dark path. Thinking about the past and then thinking about the future and how she could ruin it, but that time I stopped myself and I did something I never know I could do before. I never knew it was in my power.

I asked myself what ‘would’ I do if she showed up?

And to my surprise instead of answering with another fretful episode inside my head– I told myself it would be okay. I closed my eyes and thought about it. I thought about how safe I feel inside my home and next to my Husband and even with Kei. I thought about all the people I call friends and the many more I’ve started to call family. I thought about how they all make me feel and I thought about the smile on my face that still catches me off guard to this very day.

I looked inside myself and watched an episode play out, my greatest fear– her showing up on my doorstep. Instead of letting her shout at me, accuse me of abandoning her, or back me into a corner I stood my ground and saw the ones I love standing beside me– not in front of me, not behind me, but ‘beside’ me.

I said a lot of things to this figment of my imagination that I hope I can someday learn to say back to her for real, a few things I would never say to her in reality because I don’t think she could hadle it, and a few more things out of well deserved anger that needed to be vented.

And you know what?

I haven’t had an episode since. Not a bad one. I don’t know how long this will last and I’m not going to jynx myself but I’m happy with this break and I’m proud of myself, overjoyed that I can finally feel myself healing. I’ve felt this feeling before, like a part of me was just repaired but it was always because of something someone else did. This time I’ve healed myself.

Things are good. Still depressed from time to time and I still have my issues and such but you know what? If I didn’t have a little crap now and then I think I might forget about how wonderful I feel right now and that would be a crime– an injustice to myself and all those who’ve helped me along the way.

There’s other stuff I want to say in relation to video blogging, manuscripts, my story, and misc. stuff but I promised myself I would keep this short. So, goodnight all. Thank you for reading.