Unnaturally Happy
December 16th, 2008
[Actually wrote this the other day but I keep forgetting to hit post, lol. Sorry about that. I'm doing comments in a bit and I should be making my rounds, finally, to all your blogs later tonight. I hate not knowing how everyone is doing. :) Blessed be my writerly friends! PS. I don't even know if I re-read this and it was written during a very... spazzy kind of moment so... you've been warned.]
I feel like dancing, like the winds of wonder and enchantment are beneath my feet and the world is turning to my tune. So much beauty in the universe, like a spider’s web covered in dew drops and though the storm make shake it- it has remained. Beaten and battered, yes, but it still remains. A fragile thing and a symbol for a much greater force than it’s own, the spider’s web… amazing.
Sorry, feeling- unnaturally happy. I say unnatural because by all rights I should be ranting from one side of this post to the other about this series of migraines I’ve been having for probably a week now, maybe a little less- but I’m not. I’m just,… I feel wonderful. So, either it’s a tumor blocking off certain necessary brain functions or it’s the direction my thoughts have taken me more and more lately.
For starters, I’ve been talking to my angels a lot these past few… days? Seems like days but it could be weeks for all my sense of time is worth. Anyways, I’ve been talking to them more lately, I’m not really sure why. Usually I only talk to angels, among other things, when one of my loved ones or I is in some serious trouble and I know I just need to hand the problem over to the universe because it’s beyond me or late at night when I’m stuck in my thoughts and I need to bounce them off someone who’ll just listen.
Recently though- I think I’ve found a new kind of faith.
No, scratch that.
Restored faith.
We were all children at some point in time or another, some of us less than others sadly but we were still children. We all still believed everything would work out just fine until the world showed us differently. We all believed, at least once in our lives, that love was what made the world turn and that if one hoped hard enough anything could be achieved.
For many, most, of us thoughts as innocent as that are plucked from us early on. For some of us they are squished before our very eyes. It’s not a happy thought but it’s true.
I… don’t really remember a lot of my younger years. I know a lot of people can at least remember when they were seven or ten, and then there are those special people who can remember when they were two and three. I can’t remember a whole lot and of what I can- it isn’t entirely worth remembering.
I don’t remember a time, when I was younger, when I thought everything in the world could be all rainbows and sunshine. I don’t remember ever thinking that if I kept some flicker of hope burning even deep within the shadows that the world could be all right again. My life just didn’t leave room for such thought, not that they were foreign- television can teach a multitude of things for a perceptive child at any age and I often used such concepts when I played with my imaginary friends but I never really believed- never had faith that prayers, hopes, wishes could be answered.
I also used to not believe in promises. To me a promise was like an adult view of Santa. The belief gives one hope but in the end you’re the one who has to fulfill your hope, Santa to adults is more like a concept. A symbol of giving without holding back during this season, but no man in a red suit is going to bring you your Christmas cheer. You have to bring it to yourself and others otherwise it just doesn’t get done.
To me, promises were like that. My ‘mother’ was always promising something and while I was more than happy to play pretend with her and go along with it I knew that things promised just didn’t happen. Even at the age I’m at now (twenty, just had a birthday) I find myself utterly shocked when someone keeps a promise they made to me.
I remember when it first started to happen. My Hubby, my wonderful, insanely sweet Hubby was the first person who really started to keep promises that were made to me. He promised to come to court with me when I was afraid of seeing my mother or my old case worker. He came. He promised to protect me when I was scared. He stood over the car when I ran and hid in it. He promised to always be there for me. He picked me up when I ran away.
He promised to give me a home. I’ve officially lived in this house longer than I’ve lived in any place before. He promised I’d always be safe. I’ve never felt safer in my life. He promised to love me forever. He married me both by law and soul. He promised never to break my heart and he still holds it in his hands with more care than anyone has ever shown me.
Just thinking about this, it makes me so happy, a little sad too that it’s such a shock to me but mostly happy because… well, it’s beautiful.
What’s even more beautiful is, this isn’t the only thing that has restored my faith in the universe. I don’t know how to explain the big thing on my mind right now, it’s not just my Hubby, it’s… it’s a lot of things. Big things and small things and things that seemed so insignificant at the time but proved to be so amazing with the next few steps down the path I’m walking.
I feel kind of beyond myself right now with these thoughts in my head, so beyond me that words are having a hard time reaching my fingers. I feel like I’m not old enough to say what’s in me, not that age matters but it’s like- my life has been so impossibly short so far and there is so much before me. I haven’t lived long enough to have this ability to see what I’ve been seeing lately.
I’m looking back on my years, all the paths I’ve walked and I think about all the things I’ve wished and prayed for over time. I think about all the things I’ve spent time talking to the angels and faeries about and wondering why I want them so badly, if I deserve them, and why I just never seemed able to have them. Things like love, safety, family, a stable home and smaller things too.
I look back on all this and each time it seemed like these wonderful facets of my life were pulled further away from me and I thought my world was burning down around me- I look at all this and suddenly I see how each and every time my heart broke I was actually being launched closer to what I really wanted.
Every time I asked the universe for something I was getting what I asked for, sure it took a lot longer than I would have liked (though now I’m better able to appreciate it all) but it still happened. It’s so amazing to see this and feel this that words just don’t do it justice.
Then again, these aren’t just words. Words aren’t strong enough for the things in my head and heart which is probably why I repeat a lot of the same stories from my past over and over again- not because I’m stuck in these moments (though, I’ll admit I am from time to time) but because I feel the urge to share them and I’m just not talented enough to pull these threads of my soul out and show them to the world with all the colors and flavors they deserve.
I want to thank you all, my readers, my writer buddies, and those people who come to see what’s flown from my mind but never make themselves known. All of you. You’ve been my angels this past year and a few, listening to me no matter the subject be I bitching or trying to imprint my very soul into the words I so crave to master. You’ve helped me more than most of you will ever know. Thank you, friends. You give me such purpose.
