Taoistic Thoughts

I found a new ‘me’ song!

I love music, like writing I’m not entirely sure I could live without a beat behind my mental ears. Now and then I’ll find a song that relates to one of my stories or characters and share it here just because I can and it’s a fun way to discover the finer details about people be they imaginary or not. I also like to find songs that have special meaning to me but I don’t think I’ve ever shared one here before.

The following is called ‘Pure’ by SuperChick (I think that’s how the band name is written) and it’s very fitting to my current mind set. You can listen to the song in the box below, no streaming needed, read the lyrics below. :)

Warning: This is a very scatter brained post.

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that’s to be found
In life all around

There was a time when I didn’t know how to smile, not with truth between my lips. Before and when I was barely a teenager I saw no reason nor rhyme to my life. I wasn’t looking for one either. I just kept moving forward, one foot in front of the other, not for the sake of continuing on but just to avoid the pain that would come with stopping. I can’t remember my thoughts of the time, my feelings, or dreams. I just remember that one day was no different than the next.

Now, every moment of every day is so different from how it was back then. I’m so filled with thoughts, wants, needs, emotions, and something else that can’t quite be put into words that half the time I’m not sure I how to contain it. Whatever it is it makes me want to dance at random, sing with abandon, and scream in frustration all at the same time. Every single everything is a new everything and because of it I’m a brand new person each and every time my everything changes. I know that makes no sense but that’s alright. I don’t understand it either and that’s what makes it fun, something to keep striving for.

My past is behind me but kept clear in the memories I watch during the present so I might avoid or learn from my mistakes so I might make a better future. Just because certain things are over, what happened happened, and nothing can be changed doesn’t mean the past is carved in granite. I can change the way I look at it and thus change the light my future holds. Through this perception I release all negative feelings towards what has happened. There are things I’m not ready to let go of just yet, but that’s okay too. If I could let go all at once what would be the point of taking this journey?

Pre-Chorus:
This is my prayer without ceasing
The negative releasing
And as I rise above
My burden is easing

I’m so happy right now, it’s difficult to explain it all and how these words mean so much to mean. I want this to last forever though I know I’ll have my down moments but without them those high ones wouldn’t mean a darn thing.

I am no longer who I once was but constantly becoming someone new. I didn’t like who I was at one point in time but now… either because I’m a different person or I have a new way of seeing the world (I’m not honestly sure which) but I like myself a little more now. I don’t always think I’m so great and I like to wallow in my faults but I know I’m getting better and that makes me really happy. The fact that I can say that makes me happier still, that I believe I deserve to be happy and that there’s nothing wrong with it.

(Mmm, carrots and cheesy ranch!)

Chorus:
I bring the pure flow, water around
The rocks of life won’t pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow, water around
The rocks of life won’t pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

Tao is flow. It’s represented by water, by being strong enough to find it’s way through, around, or under anything and flexible enough to accept the changes in it’s course for without these qualities the river just cannot be a river.

No matter what happens I will stand strong and I will flow. I won’t let anything pull me down unless there’s something shiny and rainbow colored at the bottom and then I’m coming right back up again. I might dwell in darkness from time to time but that’s just a part of life and even it has it’s beautiful side. It’s part of the same coin in which we find light on the other side. Without either I wouldn’t be who I am now and that’d make me more than a bit depressed- even if I was surrounded by nothing but good things.

I would have never found my husband without the dark to lead my way.

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where I want to go
The rest will follow

As I’ve said, some darkness is good but right now I’m enjoying my time in the light. I have so many wonderful people who love me and though things have been bad- I know other’s have had it worse. I know those close to me have had it worse for my sake and I thank them from the top to the bottom of my heart for the things they’ve done for me.

Crap happens and those two little words do the fact little justice. I have a lot of fears I’m worried about; people I will someday lose, the knowledge that someday I could once more have everything ripped away, my own faults that hurt me- literally. These things are beyond my control and that scares me more than anything, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder when this wonderful world I’ve so suddenly found myself in is going to crack and splinter back into the nothing I came from.

I’m not sure I’d be able to pull myself out of rubble a second time, I couldn’t do it on my own the fist time and it took a lot of dragging, prying, and bribing just to get me to consider ‘allowing’ myself to be rescued. Nevertheless, with these thoughts and fears swimming in my heart I keep looking forward to the next sunset, the next moonrise, and the next time the rain will come crashing down. I don’t look at every moment as if it were my last but instead- as if it were my first. As if I were a newborn child who knew not the hurts of the world and could only see with their hearts and souls, unbiased by years or society.

I don’t always have the ability to look at things like this but I’m learning. As I take each step on this path I find a brand new brick beneath my foot. If I keep moving, they’ll keep coming. That’s my faith on the matter and should it fail and I find myself falling from my path I know I’ll hit the bottom sooner or later and all that is is a brick of a different texture and color.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that I fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found
The lost will be found

Failure is not failure, it is merely a means of finding one of the many ways one won’t succeed. Each time you fail you’re one chance closer to getting it right and if you fail a whole bunch of times- statistically (if we think in percentages) you’ll succeed a whole lot faster. I know, I’m backwards but honestly if I’m happy then I must be doing something right. Right?

A few years ago I had many questions, things I wanted to know right then and there. Someone had lied to me my entire life and when I found out the world I’d known was turned upside down. I was restless in the unknown and it was more than a little stressful. I felt I needed to know these things.

Time passed and I grew. For many of these questions I still have no answers and if I think on the matter long enough it upsets me- greatly, so I don’t. I acknowledge the fact that there are things I want to know but I also accept the fact that I don’t have the answers or the means of getting them and that the universe will take me where I need to go to find them so long as I keep moving and don’t give up. Eventually I’ll get there.

Things I wished for all my life are mine. Not because I gave up and waited for them to be dropped in my lap but neither because I necessarily deserved them. I just kept moving forward. You can get to the end of any road if you just keep walking it. You can’t get what you want if you stand still. Life is forever moving and that’s something we can all learn from.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

My soul is at ease and I am free

You’d have to read my entire blog, all 200 odd posts, just to scratch the surface as to what these words mean to me. There are a few things I never speak of to anyone because even as a writer I have no words for them. It’s like I have these wings attached to my soul and my physical body is held together with the finest of silver threads. When I’m happy or at the very least- content, these wings open and I feel so full of this weird energy it’s like I’m going to burst at the seems. Like I’ll fall apart in one way but become complete in another. Some of you might get the hidden meaning behind that but if not don’t be concerned. :) It’s just one of those things I think you’d have to be me or very close to me to understand.

Chorus

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