[This is some'thing' I drew while under a lot of stress. Click for a larger image. This is the unedited version done with color pencils, markers, and pen, taken with a digital camera since I don't have a scanner. ;) Enjoy as I'll be taking it down in a week or two.]
In three days I will be someone’s wife. I will have a husband. I will be a married woman. These words, while not new to my vocabulary, almost seem foreign on my tongue the way I find myself associating with them. I will be someone’s wife.
W-I-F-E!
This is not a complaint. This is complete and total awe and that in and of itself is an understatement. I feel like a caterpillar who didn’t spend enough time ‘paying attention’ to the cocoon phase of their life, like I’ve just gone straight to butterfly and now I have no idea how to fly. I’m not sure why I feel this way considering how I’ve been living like an already married woman for the past two and a half years and that nothing will really change after the wedding. I mean, I know that something vast beneath the surface will change but up top to the untrained eye I’ll still be the same person, he’ll still be the same wonderful man, we’ll still wake up in the same home, and love each other as if every moment were our last but still- though we’ve already been living like this I feel like I’m about to jump into an ocean. Given, I know he’s there to catch me but the leap itself is still a bit scary.
I’m babbling aren’t I?
I’m not nervous. I refuse to be nervous. I’m franticly excited, mildly stressed, and severely frazzled. There’s a difference, trust me, but seriously- people keep asking me if I’m nervous and one half of me is honest in the fact that I’m not, I can hardly wait to get married while the other half of me suddenly jumps and then wants to strangle the people who repeated ask that same darn question over and over again. They make me think I have something to be nervous about even though I know I don’t.
*goofy grin*
Oh, my gods. I’m going to be married in three days! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve randomly stopped and said that as if it’s just now settling in which, to be perfectly honest, it might be :) but that’s alright. I like how it feels when it hits me. I’m going to belong to someone. Someone shall belong to me. We belong to each other and I don’t mean the way an item belongs to a child but in the way that a soul belongs to a body. It’s just the way things are supposed to be like I’ve been incomplete my entire life waiting for this second half and I’ve only just now realized it because of these brief realizations which only make me want more.
I also have this other feeling like when I turned 18. As a non legal adult the year before I knew logically that one birthday wouldn’t make me feel like anymore or an adult. No change would occur except that my adoptive sis could ask me to buy her cigarettes. I knew this logically but still when the day came round I found myself at odds. Some part of me inside, too deep to follow logic, had believed that something could have changed with that one digit.
It didn’t of course. Even now as I come closer to turning twenty I still feel like a little kid and I’m not complaining about it though it’s hard to break myself of certain habits like trying to ask my Hunny if I can go spend the night at a friends house. Lol. Anyways, nothing changed. Yes, I was legally and adult but what affects the outside world or society truly has no bearing on the workings of the soul or the subconscious mind. Not in my opinion. So…
I’m about to get married and I feel like a little kid. Part of me wonders when I’ll feel like an adult, if it will kick in sometime after the wedding let alone- ever, while another part of me is starting to realize that I don’t feel like a kid, I feel like me and I will always feel like me (if I have anything to say about it).
If there was a point to this post I forgot it, I think I just needed to ramble which is healthy despite how spastic I feel from time to time. I’m not really sure what to do with myself right now. Do you remember when you were a little kid around Christmas time? If you do and you were anything like myself and a lot of other kids the night right before was the hardest. You couldn’t fall asleep because you were so excited. Or perhaps if you changed schools and you were both excited and nervous? So much so that you felt kind of twitchy and hyper?
Yeah, that was me and it is me. This entire week I’ve gone to sleep feeling like that because my core, my intuition, my sub conscious, whatever part you want to call it that isn’t bound within the confines of my mind knows that great changes are on the horizon. This part knows that something is going to happen and it’s not often (I suppose for a reason) that we know when change is going to come. Yes, change is constant but it’s very rare that we can actually see the point in time where we’re stepping from several paths at once and coming down to a more narrow lane. If we could I imagine we’d all be like this all the time, jittery and twitching as we human’s aren’t often too keen on change.
*sigh* I want caffeine. Not to change the topic but I’m slightly irked because of my inhaler- or, well, the asthma in general so to speak. I can no longer consume caffeine of any sort unless it’s carefully moderated. Given, there are few people who are willing to let me drink caffeine let alone suffer the after effects but still, it’s just not fair. Before I couldn’t drink it because my Hunny would artfully hide the sodas or talk me into picking something else out but now I can’t have it because if I drink just a tiny bit I start to get dizzy and want to pass out.
The whole asthma thing in general sucks- not a word I use lightly as ‘sucks’ is such a demure word with little flare. It sucks, I used to be able to run from one station at work and back multiple times before even needed to stop for a breather. Now if I walk just a bit too fast to the building next door my chest starts to hurt. I was so aggravated the other day because I’d just gotten to work, clocked in, and I was walking upstairs to grab my uniform shirt when the stairs proved to be too much. I was so completely out of breath by the time I made my way to the top I felt like I’d already worked a full day!
Anyways, back to a happier topic (yes, I’m that spastic right now, and hyper, and happy) I’m getting married in three days! I had a bridal shower the other day, the dress is done, my hair done, house semi clean, work days taken off… everything is so ready, so on the brink of being that day that I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’d write if I could focus on any one project at a time but alas… I’m sure some of you frequent visitors can tell this post is a but different from my usual yadda, yadda, ya. :) I just can’t seem to sit still very long in a mental sort of way but I’m not complaining. Despite how this state of mind might sound- I’m having a load of fun just being and going with this wacky flow.
A note: After my wedding day (August 16) you probably won’t see my for a bit. I will be back much sooner than I generally am when I disappear from the blogosphere but still- it might be about a week and a half or my full two weeks. I work the next two days with one day off before the wedding so I’m going to go hop in the shower now and mentally dance around so I can fall asleep tonight. Peace out.
Twee! It’s Keiyou and I (and my Hunny but he’s behind the camera) standing over an absolutely beautiful scenic outlook. :) Sisters of fate and best friends forever! We’re in the middle of giving each other bunny ears and my batteries were dying so Hunny had to snap the picture real quick, hence my blurry arm hanging out randomly off to the side.
breath them in, my eyes drinking them up like the sweetest of nectar. I’ve always been in love with trees no matter what the season but when they’re at their greenest… *sighs* absolutely beautiful.
