Written Whispers

Archive for May, 2008

Just A Note

May 18th, 2008

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This is just a note. Something I wrote down awhile back and felt like sharing tonight because I’ve been playing so much WoW with my brother I haven’t really had a chance to write.

A smile is a contagious thing. Even if I don’t much feel like it I try to offer my smile to others. Why? Because my smile, even a false one, might just have the power to make someone else smile and that thought alone can bring a true one to my lips. So please, my dear friends, don’t forget to smile now and then even if it’s hard. If you smile you might pass it along and even though this theory often takes longer to prove itself than desired- I truly believe that good things come back to you.

Just my short thoughts.

PS. Will do comments tonight I promise.

Transformation

May 13th, 2008

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This post (and a couple of others) have been transferred to The Tao of Me my private blog. I want to use some of these in a book someday. :)

If you do not have access to this blog but would like it just leave me a comment saying as much and I’ll get around to it. I’ll be transferring a couple of other posts over there soon.

Thankies and peace.

Beautifully Forgotten Places

May 13th, 2008

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Today Hunny and I went for a car ride with his mom. It’s was great and I really do love these little trips. We go along the back roads to take in the beauty of the woods, the lakes, and especially the wildlife. Deer, turkey, squirrels, ravens, ducks, geese, fox, raccoon, all kinds of little critters.

I love it. My eyes practically drink in the trees with their vibrant hues. Radiant greens, rich browns, or the delicate pink-white flowers that frequent the cherry trees. I love the smell of loam and the crunch of decaying leaves underfoot. It’s absolutely astounding to stand in the flux of nature and feel the cycle of life around you. I just can’t imagine another way I could have spent today that would have left me more fulfilled.

We brought food with us to eat and I listened quietly as my Hunny and soon to be Mom in law spoke of family- who lives where, who’s related to who, how, and old ghost tales from around the area that are passed amongst the members. It’s so wonderful and strange, I find myself musing, to think that I am part of this family now- these people who are related and yet can speak so easily to one another. I’m not used to it but they’re all working hard to change this little quirk of mine. ;)

My soon to be Mom in law has a thing with anything Civil War related. She absolutely loves it, a complete history nut just like my adoptive Mom. One of the things she likes to do in her free time is make sure old Civil War graves are not forgotten and that they get flowers regularly even if they don’t belong to people we’re related too. It’s pretty cool.

Anyways, as we were driving along she started to tell Hunny and I about this one Civil War she and a couple of others had found back in an old obscure cemetery. She went on to tell us further about how they had gone out to visit it a few times only to gradually discover that someone had been stealing the headstones of babies and selling them off to tourists and such.

“What?!” Hunny and I both turned in our seats at the same time, absolutely furious. I can hardly believe people would do such a thing, let alone imagine the kind depravity a person would have to possess to actually do that. We decided to give it a visit.

It was a fairly well hidden place. Easy to miss if you didn’t already know where it was or come stumbling across it after being completely lost. Tucked away on the side of some old dirt road on the side of another dirt road but let me tell you- it was the most beautiful place I have ever had the pleasure to experience.

It’s not a huge place, surrounded by woods on all sides and an older type chain fence. When we came up to the entrance their was an old faded sign (see picture) that read Bland Cemetery.

Just outside the gate was a small wooden cross that said “God Loves You” in brightly painted letters. It was fairly worn and yet it seemed to new in comparison to everything else. Not quite faded plastic flowers were tied about it. We decided this must have been where someone buried a very, very beloved pet- a fact that warmed my heart.

Further in I could see the old Civil War headstone, as it stood the tallest, surrounded by a handful of smaller stones- much smaller than most I’ve seen in any other cemetery. With a respective visit to each we found that most were indeed the headstones of children or babies, a mother, a couple, and some elder siblings as far as we could tell. Most had died in the 1800′s, some no more than a year old.

I was absolutely horrified to discover that we really could tell where some headstones had been taken from, where some had tried, and worse yet- where someone might have tried to dig up one of the graves itself. It’s so awful to imagine someone doing that. It makes me furious and disgusted all at the same time.

On a lighter note I was happy to see that some kind soul had placed bright plastic flowers on most of the graves fairly recently. Long enough ago that had faded with rain and cold but not long enough that they had been disturbed by time. While I agree the living should keep on living I don’t believe the dead should be forgotten. The soul may have left the body and moved on but places like that are sacred and even though the families of those people may be long gone or maybe just forgotten that doesn’t change the fact that during someone’s time of grief- that cemetery was their sanctuary and place of peace.

To think that someone could sell off pieces of that makes me sick to the very core of my being.

Places like that should be respected. They should be respected even more so when they are re-discovered after being forgotten for some period of time. I don’t know but forgotten things and places seem to gain some sort of magick in my mind’s eye, like they have been stolen off to the land of Faerie and only just returned to claim our attention once again.

In a way it reminded me of “The Secret Garden”. The ground covered by moss with little purple flowers springing up everywhere. Shoots of green and lavender adorning all the places that had be desecrated. It was as if Mother Nature was making amends for the faults in some greedy individual, comforting the dead children with her gentle embrace. So beautiful.

I’ve decided to come back and visit the Bland Cemetery again soon. I want to bring flowers and leave them as someone else has done before me and visit with any spirits that may linger and desire company. I’d even like to bring some paint with me sometime and put a new coat on that sign- I wonder if that would be okay though? Mayhaps I should find out who owns the property first? Do people own cemeteries? Hmm.

I have done a little research and while I was very, very sad not to have brought my own camera with me I actually (amazingly) did find some pictures on the net on some rootsweb like site. That’s where I got the picture above. There were others but they were of headstones and I just don’t feel right sharing those without permission from remaining kin. I didn’t manage to find any history on the old place yet but I’m not done looking and I really, really, do want to come back and visit that place again sometime soon.

More so, I think I’m going to write a short story about this marvelous forgotten place. I can hardly believe how deeply it has touched me and I know no words can do it justice but as a writer I’m not above trying. I might even take a notebook out there to work on it.

So much inspiration. So beautiful. *sigh* I wish the day hadn’t ended but then I might never have had the chance to share it with all of you, my wonderful readers. I just hope I can take that place into my heart and write something truly wonderful so in a way, no matter how much it is desecrated, it will remain untainted and sacred forever.

My Writing Life – Part Two

May 10th, 2008

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Continued from here.

A couple of months later I moved in with my Hunny and this is where I get back to the point I was trying to make at the beginning of part one.

Without my Hunny I don’t think I would have gotten back into writing the way I have. True, I would have gotten back into it eventually but I honestly feel that could have been years from now.

Each day he encouraged me. I would say things like “I wish I could just get it all out of me like I used to” and “I want to be a writer someday” or the ever popular “Damn it” which tends to say it all. Each time though he would reply simply “You need to teach yourself some discipline, do a little each day” or “You’ll get there just keep trying”. Where I can say many things with a single stroke of the pen he can speak volumes in just a single whisper. It’s amazing and it really affected me and continues to do so each and every day.

Though my mother was a writer, of sorts, she never praised me on my work. If she read it at all it wasn’t when I was around and when I left it wasn’t one of the things she fought for (to understand this better you’d have to read “It’s Just Paper” an earlier post of mine). In foster care I felt as though my writing would be exploited or used against me so I showed it to no one, but he- he read my poetry and eventually, much later on, read some of my other works.

He gives me an honest opinion, blunt but never painful. Whenever I get into those uber dreamy modes and start talking about maybe being being a published author someday or finding this or that job that could allow me to write full time he supports me, reminds me what I need to do to get there, and is continually goading me “Write, Hun, write!”

When the NaNoWriMo came around he continued to lend me his support. I was a bit scared, I’d only just started blogging and because of such I had very few writer friends to freak out along side of. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to do it and if I didn’t then I’d prove I couldn’t accomplish anything- my still constant fear. He made me a deal and needless to say when I did finish my 50,000 words my Hunny took me out to Red Lobster for the most wonderful dinner ever.

It really meant a lot to me.

He bought me a laptop for my 18th birthday so I could write in peace on a place of my own and since has helped me find any and all books on writing I could possibly want or need. Buying things doesn’t really count as much in my mind but it’s the thought behind them that he’s willing to give me a place I feel secure to write and help me improve my craft with books on the subject.

He’s always talking about sending me to some writing class or group as soon as we find one nearby. He’s such a sweetheart but the greatest gift he’s given me as of yet, the one that helps me with my writing most of all, is the life we live together. My writing life with him.

We’ll wake up, him with his up of coffee and me with my tea, share a few tender words or jokes, and then set off to our separate little worlds together. He’ll delve into his gaming and I’ll delve into my writing. Each on our own computers, in our own little places, doing what we love to do best and giving each other praise and words of confidence.

He’ll drive up to the city and go to class and I’ll stay in Borders for a couple of hours writing away in one of my many notebooks. He’ll return and we’ll scan the shelves together.

He gives me suggestions when I’m brain dead, back rubs when I’ve forgotten I need to move around after a couple of hours, and he tells me to go to sleep when I accidentally stay awake writing till our usual wake up time.

He lets me have my space to write, and I him his space to game. Everyday he tells me to write and everyday I tell him to go shoot things and relax. It may seem simple, or odd, or something else entirely but to me it’s everything to have someone who supports me so much and just let’s me be me.

It’s because of him I’ve written more in these few short months than I have in my entire lifetime. It’s because of him I was able to find myself again and feel alive. And it’s because of him that I was able to find the courage to pick my pen back up and put it to the paper like a true warrior of the written word.

Thankies Hun. I know you don’t read this blog because I’ve never told you about it but if I ever get the courage to show you I want you to know just how much I love you.

My Writing Life – Part One

May 10th, 2008

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To say that I am a very content little spirit would be an extreme understatement right now. I’m sitting here with laptop on my knees, Mowgli draped over my lap, and headphones in my ears. Kitten is balanced precariously on the table looking back and forth as he rapidly dips his paw in and out of my afternoon tea- knowing he’s in trouble as he licks it off and Hunny is sitting in front of his computer playing some game or another with his own headphones blaring in his ears while the rest of the kitties doze peacefully.

I don’t know what I would do without my mostly furry family, especially my Hunny. It’s really thanks to him that I even started writing again at all.

Towards the end of my stay in foster care I felt like my soul was dying, literally. I had to suppress my spiritual beliefs as well as my religious ones. I had to be cautious with my thoughts and whenever I did choose to speak I was told I was lying. It got to the point where I started to believe it and stopped speaking unless spoken to.

Eventually I got to the point where I thought the only place I was capable of telling the truth was through written word so I started journaling everyday. Ten or so pages a day with my tiny little handwriting in a notebook that I guarded with my life. Nothing was sacred in that house. I hid it in my clothing when I showered and slept with it between mattresses at night.

Every entry started out “Dear Angels…”. I would write down everything. Random thoughts, what I ate in a day, what I did, and what I believed because I no longer thought my thoughts were safe in my head and it seemed no truth could be found in my mind without writing it out and then going over it with a fine tooth comb.

I gave up writing stories. I was confused as it was and I could no longer feel the inspiration in my soul. Worse yet, imagine trying to write about nice happy things, far off places, characters among their friends and families, when you’re stuck in a place you don’t want to be and are forbidden to even speak to anyone you knew in ‘your life before the home’.

Needless to say a lot of my characters started going down some darker paths as a mirror of my thoughts and this in turn only made me even more depressed so I quit writing like that all together. This is when I really started to scare myself via self abuse. If I had nothing else to live for I at least believed I needed to write- to get my stories out there to help others. When that was no longer a reason for being and everything else had been taken away, well, it was like being left with nothing.

Thankfully, and long story short, someone who knew me before I started to die inside noticed all the legal stuff that I had been trying to point out before. It was hard having to discover I’d been telling the truth all along when I had finally accepted myself as a liar.

It was even harder than when they first started telling me I was a liar because I was already confused and worried that something was wrong with me.

Anyways, I got out the legal way, mostly, and moved in with a friend for a couple of months. During that time I started up my community site and in a way started working myself back towards my spiritually and helping others. That was a big thing- helping others. I had an overbearing need to take care of things that had resurfaced while I was in ‘the home’ where I was able to try and take care of the other girls but out in the real world I didn’t have anyone and the people I was living with were quite able to take care of themselves so- we went out and found me a kitten. My little orange cat child to be precise.

I still didn’t do any writing.

I tried, it’s natural for me to do that much but I even fell out of journaling eventually. The stories still continued in my head, coming back to my minds eye but they were all reruns.

Wow, I’ve already shared a lot more than anticipated and not quite on the topic I was aiming for. This might have to be a two part post. I know how people don’t always like to read my uber long ones and I still have so much to say.

To Be Continued…