Cutting It Close
May 28th, 2008
[ Wrote this day before yesterday but my internet died so I'm just posting it now. Good news is I'm doing much better now but I still feel some perverse need to post this. I'm not really certain why. ]
I am not fond of myself right now.
That’s an understatement of sorts. The words my traitorous mind uses are much more harsh and blunt, words I tend to avoid in every day conversation but my mind doesn’t mean them. I’m just not fond of myself right now.
My Hunny is upset. No, it’s not like this is the first time he’s ever been upset and I don’t get like this every time he does but it is a key factor in how I feel right now. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting this. I can understand why I’m writing it, venting is much better than other things but why bother posting?
Anyways, yesterday I asked my Hunny to help me do a friend a favor and while it wasn’t a really big thing because my friend didn’t know she needed to have certain information he got really stressed out. To make matters worse the site we were working on was acting funny and I wasn’t helping much because I couldn’t understand what needed to be done. I’m not real smart in the precise thing we were working on but now that I’m an adult I really should have known something.
I got more depressed than I should have. It wasn’t a really a big thing, he wasn’t that upset and it shouldn’t have effected me as badly as it did- but it did. I ignored it knowing I get this way sometimes, sank back into my little online world and then whatever.
Today I was already high strung from two social events which while both fun (after I spent an hour mustering the courage to go/being forced to go) took a lot out of me. Then on the way home Hunny and I had a talk about how I’m running out of time on some of my school stuff- a very touchy topic for me. It makes me feel loved that he has so much patience with me and spends so much time reminding me of what I need to do and what could happen if I don’t. I thanked him for caring so much to stay on me for this kind of thing and I think he took it the wrong way and thought I was trying to change the subject.
We get home and everything just seems really quiet. I know this is in my mind but even though I see the issue I can’t stop it from effecting me. Hun and I are naturally very quiet people and I know he’s not angry at me, he’s just stressed from work and such. Then our internet is down, when he comes home he likes to play online games an relax. He couldn’t do that and he was trying to fix the net calling all these people and such.
I don’t really know why I’m upset but anyways, he was quiet and I was quiet so I started stewing in my thoughts. I laid down and tried to sleep- a very bad thing in this state of mind, but my thoughts wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to say anything because I don’t want to cause even more stress that just causes more problems for everyone. So, I went and took a shower so I could be alone with my thoughts without giving away that I was upset. It’d be one thing if there was a ‘real’ problem, I’d say something and try to talk it out but I know this is all in my head. I go through this once in awhile and if I say something it’ll get constantly brought up and in a way never go away. I don’t want that. I just want to handle it in private while I’m able to. When I’m not able to I know I’ll say something because I’ve been down that road before.
I thought about cutting tonight. It’s been a couple of years now since I did it but that doesn’t stop the thoughts. It’s like once you’ve had a taste you can’t forget it even if you stop hitting the addition.
I pulled a safety pin out of my pants and stared at it for awhile while my water heated it. I’ve never been one for razors or knives or anything that can do real damage- just whatever is enough for a quick jab. I stared and stared and stared some more before dropping it in the drawer of no return and hopping in the shower.
Towards the end of my shower I picked up my leg razor and stared at it for a bit picking the color off the handle with my nail. It was an appealing thought. I can’t tell you how much this one part of me wanted start thinking about making a cut. I hadn’t started to think about cutting yet- just tools. It’s like stages I’m not sure how to explain it. Find something to do it with isn’t the bad part. It’s once something is found and it’s in my hand that I have to worry- my mind will try to turn that object whatever it may be into my best friend ever.
Thankfully I’m neither stupid nor brave and my pain tolerance is near to non existent. I started to notice the faint almost invisible line of rust on the under edge of the blade and set it back down. Tetanus shots up to date or not I’d never cut myself with something dirty- I’ve never that desperate and I pray I never am.
Getting out of the shower I tried to find my safety pin not having made my mind up yet. I wasn’t thinking about cutting I just wanted something in my hand in case I did- that’s the first part of the addiction. You have to have the drug before you can use it, crack heads aren’t addicted to the powder but how it makes them feel. Alas and thank goddess the drawer of no return is aptly named. I couldn’t find my pin.
Yes, I could have easily taken another pin from my pants (I know they’re sterile enough) but I didn’t and that’s what matters. No, I didn’t get stronger and decide to quit looking the phase just passed. I’d distracted myself from everything that was depressing me in my fervent attempt to find something anything to consider using. It was a close call though. I don’t know what I would have done if the leg razor had been clean.
It’s not like it’s something I want to do. I know Hunny would be even more stressed out if he thought I was falling down that path again and it’s not like I like pain- gods no! Nor do I have a death wish, I’m too spiritually self centered for something stupid like that. I have too much to live for and I love life but sometimes I just need- no, I don’t need it, sometimes I just want that quick and almost effortless release. It would be so easy, so simple, so nothing!
But as simple as it would be to make a tiny little scratch with a safety pin it would be even simpler to fall down the path of no return when one little scratch isn’t enough, where once a month as it used to be isn’t enough, where a safety pin isn’t big enough. Everything grows from there, you become immune to that release- hardened to it almost and then you have to work harder to get just half of the same result and before you know it you don’t start thinking the bad thoughts just when you’re stressed but whenever you see something sharp and shiny.
It is not a fun path. I may desire to just make a small near bloodless scratch but those small scratches an turn into some pretty big cuts. I should know and I don’t want to go through that again. I’ve been at that point where a little just isn’t enough.
When I couldn’t find my safety pin I pulled a plastic pen cap out of the drawer. You know the removable kind with the long bit that helps you hand it on a pocket or a notebook? I pressed that into my ankle till it left a small indent, I was frustrated but I’m better now. I know I’m not going to fall back down on that road, that’s a far place to land from where I am now but I know it doesn’t take much. I feel better after writing this.
I still feel crappy but at least that depression is a little farther now. I real
ly hope this helps someone else. I don’t know why someone would even read this, it can’t be fun to picture mentally but who knows.
I’ve cut it close tonight, first time in a long time. I’m tired and I think I need a real nap now. Night all.
i can empathise and sympathise with a lot in this, having cut myself a few times, but mostly because the thought process reminds me so much of how i feel about alcohol. and it’s “funny”, cos i’ve been struggling so much with that these last few days, too, but i (just) managed to avoid it. this time. fingers crossed and wrapped in tofu that you can and will avoid it next time. we don’t need to cut/drink to feel. we don’t need to hurt to feel. i think we feel enough as it is; it’s learning what to do with these feelings that is key, and i think you have the inner strength to help yourself. 8^>
as for the problems with hunny… i hope it’s not maddening that i say these things, but… it’s all part of the longer term, deeper relationship. i’ve no doubt you’ll both find a way through these issues, because i sincerely believe you deserve the happiness the two of you obviously share. and long may that continue. :-)
J1M: *nods* It was/is an addiction for me, I can deffinetly see how that would remind you of alcohal.
I wonder if it’s a seasonal thing this tid bit of depression. It seems like a lot of people have been having problems lately. I hope so, then it’ll be over quickly. I hope you’re feeling better soon as well.
*sigh* I hope there never is a next time. I wish neither I nor you or anyone else would ever have to go through this kind of thing. And very true on that. We shouldn’t need to do stuff like that to feel. Thankies.
Not maddening at all in fact I had that in mind throughout most of the post. This is just a tiny bump and I know that even though it can be unpleasant I can learn something from this whole experience. I love my Hunny so much I really don’t know what I’d do without him- hopefully someday soon I won’t fall into these moods anymore and I won’t have to worry about making him worry. :)
Thankies thankies and may you find someone just as wonderful as my Hunny to share your life with. You deffinetly deserve it my tofu friend. :)