May
Hiding
I am hiding today. I feel selfish and guilty and a little idiotic for doing it but it can’t be helped. This fear of mine is just too much for me to get pass with the snap of my fingers, age old advice, or one of those stupid sink or swim theories.
I’m home alone today. My soon to be mom-in-law lives next door and they’re having this great little cook out. Lots of family is over there and from the sound of things I can tell they’re all having a great time. I was invited to go yesterday and I said I’d try to make it but I just can’t…
I mean, I could, but I can’t. My Hunny has gone to work and I have gone over to these little get togethers on my own before but sometimes I can’t make myself enter into social situations. Gosh, I think I’m going to cry this is so silly. I just feel unreasonably afraid of being around people right now. I’ve been around them before and they’re all really great people but this just happens with me sometimes.
It could happen around some of my best friends, very small groups of people, people I’ve known for years. I’ll just freak out and feel the need to hide and then I’ll start babbling and getting paranoid. For example right now, I’m sitting in the middle of the living room trying not to make a sound for fear that they’ll hear me all the way over there and then someone will come over to check on me and I just don’t know what to do.
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I feel close to tears but I am fine. This is just something that happens to me and I’ll get over it. I just need to stay calm and try not to freak out.
I feel awful mostly because it’s my Hunny’s family and I know he wants me to get to know them better and he wants me to feel loved and accepted (which I do) because a lot of my past experience with my own family weren’t that great. I even told my Hun that I felt sick today which was partially the truth considering allergies but… I’ve gone over in worse condition.
I also feel really bad because I can hear how much fun they are having over there but I just can’t shake this. I know I’ll be fine next time around but I still feel… I just don’t like this.
Okay, I vented. It’s not pretty but it made me feel better.
04May
i can so empathise with this. there was a time (not too long ago) when i was occasionally simply unable to do something or go somewhere, regardless of how much i wanted to, or how much i just knew i would enjoy it if i did. unfortunately, i can’t help beyond this, cos i can’t recall how it went away, or what changed. i think i ended up having to do something for somebody else during one of my “can’t” periods, and so i did that, and then it all kind of faded. as far as i know. here’s hoping yours fades or vanishes, and that you don’t knock yourself for your momentary aside. i think sometimes this is simply the body saying “i need some me time.”
tofuhugs, my friend. 8^>
04May
J1M: Much thankies. There have been times when I’ve had to do things like make phone calls during some of can’t periods and lets just say you’d be amazed what kind of important stuff you could put off for two weeks to a time. *sigh* I know I’ve gotten over it before I just really wish it would stay gone. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who goes/has gone through this.
Tofu right back at you. :) *hugs*