Eeek!

You know what? Sometimes I very much dislike how my brain absorbs things. I mean this in a fluffy and not ‘entirely’ serious way though at the moment I am truly annoyed.

I was toying with an idea and a new character for a project that is only half hearted right now. It’s just kind of drifting around my head trying desperately to latch onto something and hasn’t yet. It’s one of those ideas I expect to sock me in the face a week from now and demand to be written once it’s caught enough mental debris to become something.

I’ve was thinking about the character, putting him in different situations and such. It’s no surprise he turned out to have some Tao related philosophies. That’s just my main focus right now so the fact that it’s bleeding through into my writing is no shock whatsoever. What is a shock is that there was no way I could make this character work in my usual fantasy type writing because of it. He just ‘flowed’ through every conflict and became uninteresting. I mean he was still a cool character but I couldn’t get him down. He was just too happy even when things were bad and thus didn’t seem plausible enough to me.

On another hand, that I sometimes wish I had as an extra hand is always handy (yeah, bad pun, too much caffeine), the Taoist philosophies are also bleeding through into a lot of my other works in a very, very awesome way. Giving my characters beliefs, and for some of them a motivation that I had never used before. It’s very interesting.

Still, I’m just annoyed because this character became a lot more Tao involved than myself. They didn’t let anything get them down and fully lived how they chose to live no matter what was going on around them. They stayed positive inside. I’m not there yet. Could I be jealous of my imagination? Is this my internal writer’s way of telling me it’s starting to take the advice of the Tao Te Ching, Just1More (), my Hunny, and every other person, place, and thing that’s been telling me to be more positive?! Even my horoscope is against my darker nature. Not that I put much stalk in those but serious this is was mine said a couple of days ago…

Your subconscious imagination is negative — counter it by hanging with fun friends.

 

I mean- what the heck?! Not that this is a bad thing it’s just I must really be dense to need all these signs and then some to tell me to lighten up. Been talking to my spirits more lately and as far as I can tell even they agree. This is all a good thing though and there is a lot more light coming through me, inwards and outwards. :)

Today

Lots of good writing lately. Mostly prompts but as I’ve discovered recently prompts can inspire so much more and unlock doors I never knew were closed. I’ve noticed that I tend to get inspired more often by random things when I start doing prompts at this rate. It’s not a bad thing but sometimes after writing a long passage I’ll have to lay down for a moment, mentally exhausted. On one hand it’s a nice feeling and on the other hand… I’m not so sure. I suppose the mind like any muscle must ache at times when we rigorously exercise parts that hadn’t been quite used that way for some while.

I’ve been contemplating something for a bit. Part of me cringes as the idea but… it could serve a purpose. A lot of my online friends write fan fiction. I’ve read a little here and there and every once in awhile I find myself coming up with alternative plots. It seems like an interesting way to practice writing without going through the process of back story and character creation. Don’t get me wrong I find both to be fun but sometimes it’s nice to just work on the meat of a story. The everything else.

I’m still not sure but it’s in my thought pattern so chances are I’ll probably give it a go. After all a path never traveled is an adventure never experienced and what a loss that would truly be. I already do a lot of reviewing. *shrug* I don’t know.

Instead of going out today like I thought I was going to my Hunny and I stayed home. It was good because he really needs a break. Class five days a week and work the other two would certainly be too much for me to handle. Sometimes I wonder how he does it. It still kind of wanted to get out of the house today but in the end I’m glad I didn’t. I need to rest more. Let my lungs be easy and not move around too much. Plus I got a ton of writing done.

I go back to work tomorrow. I think I’m on the schedule for the next four days. *sigh* That’s honestly enough to take it out of me plus the chances of me ending up working with the one coworker, you know the mean one with a temper, throughout the whole week. I don’t look forward to that.

I’m not even looking forward to payday. My next two or three checks have to go towards paying off some tax discrepancy of some sort but I don’t feel like talking about it. Makes me depressed.

On that note, the last one there, I am feeling a lot better. Getting stronger in dealing with this new level of emotions and memories. It seems I’m  having more asthma attacks at work than at home but the weird emotional surges are happening everywhere. By my calculations this is the third month it’s been going on.

Work might try to pull me back into line running again. Not sure if I’m going to go after what they did to me last time. It’s better hours, less working with people I dislike, but… I’m not sure. My Hunny wouldn’t have to fret about money quite so much if I could get in a better position at work but I’m just not sure I could go through ‘that’ again.

I’m getting a second job elsewhere. I have to turn my application in and try not to hold breath. If I don’t get it I’ll apply some other place. I’ll take the bus if I have to work further from home though both my Hunny and I would rather not go down that route. If I go back into that one position at work and get another job I’ll have three in truth. I’ll still be working part time in my current department.

The two jobs at the same place combined won’t really make me much more money unless I take more hours. I can only take more hours in the department I ‘was’ in that they want me back in though. I can’t take the strain on my back for more hours in my current department. Then I could split my remaining hours conscious between school work and the other place.

I know. It doesn’t sound very fun but I have to do what I have to do. I can’t just stop working at my current place. I can’t afford it and I can’t just quit my one department, the one that puts me through so much pain. Even if I start working again in the other one they won’t let me quit that one. I’m the only one who manages things and knows where everything is.

*sigh* Sometimes I feel mighty trapped but it’s times like these that I learn to appreciate stuff. It could always be worse. Yeah, it could be better too and I have no doubt I’ll get there sooner or later but in the mean time I need to practice patience and earn some strength for my struggles. Even if this path sucks at the moment, I’m not walking it empty handed.

I am the River

Turning. Churning. Flowing. Being. Seeing. Growing. Moving. Going. Gone. Here. There. Everywhere.

I am the river. Nothing can stop me nor hold me in check. I move over and under, above and beyond. This is the will of me, the flow of me and my nature demands it.

I bend and I twist beyond stone, sand, and bank. Permeating all things big and small. I see no day, weeks, months, or years though I live through them all as time is my greatest friend. I effect others through it and carve my path slowly but steadily. One needs only to blink and see the progress.

Every moving, never halting. Change is constant. I not only adapt, I embody it, honoring the gift of the universe by accepting what is thrown in my path and overcoming it with temperance, patience, and flow.

I may not like the boulders and logs that threaten to dam me up but stopping to throw a tantrum or pout will serve only one purpose: To stop me. I will not be stopped. I cannot be stopped and to allow myself to be stopped would be horrid. Change continues and as the river so shall I.

So shall I.

[Note: Not a prompt. Inspired by my favorite chapter in the Tao Te Ching. A cyber cookie to the first person who can guess what it is. *wink*]