Written Whispers

Here. There. Nowhere. Stuck in my head. In the pages of a book. In the pages of my heart. Writing. Re-writing. Browsing. Hurting. Healing. Breathing. A parallel universe. An upside down universe. A lone path. A path with my partner. A path that splits in many directions.

So, in short- everywhere.

Hello all. :) Sorry if I worried anyone. It must be odd to see me go so long without making a post but sometimes- crap happens. I live on my laptop and alas recently the charger suddenly died and made any work on here be emergency based only as my battery is not among the most reliable.

So, the next day we went to Best Buy and picked up a new one. I told my Hunny it could wait and that I didn’t want him to do it on his day off but I think he was a little worried about the idea of me not being able to write on the laptop. Yeah, there’s my notebooks but they don’t tend to keep me quite as quiet. ;) That and I was also freaking about about my site, abet silently, because it requires constant attention in one form or another and we’ve only just come out of a tedious phase with some of our members.

Can you believe a single charger costs between $90 and $150? It’s ridiculous and I felt horrible. We really don’t have the money to be spending on something as superficial as my entertainment but my Hunny the sweetheart he is wouldn’t let me go more than a day without.

After that though I didn’t really get to get back on net. Though it’s going into slow season at work we’re still pretty busy during and before holidays. Before Easter there was an… altercation of sorts between a coworker and I. Give me some credit here, I used every meditation trick and Taoist philosophy for an entire week and still this guy wouldn’t give up. He just kept harassing me and if I’d stuck with it until I got a chance to talk to my boss (assuming I took that rout instead of just letting this happen) it probably wouldn’t have been quite as terrible a week but alas- the coworker hit on a particular nerve and I lost my temper. As soon as he saw the weakness he went after it like the scent of blood and I was done for. More on that later though, it’s not a topic I’m proud of.

Easter at work went pretty well. It wasn’t one of the three days of the year we get holiday pay but that’s alright, I’ll live. They paired me up with one of the other new dishers and though it wasn’t the best situation for her (some people don’t work well in some of the kitchens) she did a really good job and it wasn’t like it was an easy day either. It left me laid up with back issues for two days after and I’m still hurting.

When I finally did get back on the net I didn’t bother checking my email. You know on a normal day where I check it maybe five times I receive somewhere between 65 and 100 non spam emails? No, not because I’m popular, it’s mostly because of my site and some writing related stuff. I really have to search for letters from friends, lol, but that’s all good. I’m terrible about remembering to write people. So, I skipped my email and went straight for my site where I was happy to find hadn’t suffered at all in my disappearance.

The loss of my net use abet for such a short time left me wary of future occurrences so I set to continuing the training of my current co-admin Branth should anything happen and finally (after maybe half a year of contemplation) made one of my other very trusted friends, Crystalina, co-admin. I’m still the super duper web mistress and SpiritsHome.Com is still my precious brain child but it’s nice to know should I get into an accident or something I’ll have good friends who can take over for me. We also established an emergency plan should I suddenly go missing from the face of the earth and, goddess forbid, the site crash.

By then I was drained from other things and the recent ‘out of house’ socializing I’ve been doing lately with my extended families so…. I still didn’t get around to my email. Then when I finally all rested up all I wanted to do was write.

(: So, I wrote. :)

And write, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote some more.

Now I’m back.

I have so much email to catch up on, several comments, and all kinds of things I want to tell you guys about but- instead of looking at it like one big pile of stuff that’s constantly building. I’m just going to do one thing at a time and heck, if I don’t feel like doing anything? Well, then I just won’t do anything. I haven’t felt stable for quite some time but instead of letting everything that stresses me out AND and the little responsibilities I’ve voluntarily heaped upon myself get the best of me I’m just going to deal with the stress. I don’t need to do everything all at once and I think I need to reset my wave lengths into remembering that little fact.

Yeah, some things are unavoidable and I’ll handle those but when it comes down to things I feel like I have to do and just taking a moment to chill I think I’m going to start picking the latter. Sometimes it’s just nice to sit and stare out into space and let your brain detox. To do absolutely nothing and maybe practice not thinking quite so much. :)

I want to promise I’ll answer all my comments tonight, tomorrow, or even within this week but I can’t do that. I need to write and relax. I need to talk to myself and have long mental discussions to help myself through some of the issues that are becoming more apparent as time goes by. I need to remember to help myself before others else wise I doubt I’ll do a very good job at helping those I love.

I have decided that once my health insurance is secure I’m definitely going back into therapy. It’s not that I don’t talk to my Hunny it’s just that for some things- I know I could use a bit of professional advice and personally I’d like to have contact with someone who, should I have a serious breakdown, can recognize certain things. There’s always, and I mean this- it’s a constant chance that I could fall back into some very bad habits that are quite unhealthy for me and though I freely admit this in my current state of mind there isn’t that great of a chance I’ll say something about it till I scare myself. It’s good to have people who can help figure these things out before people like me let these kind of issues get that far.

Not that I’m falling back into self hard/abuse or anything else along those lines but it does enter my mind from time to time when under a great deal of stress. Fortunately I haven’t had the ‘urge’ though. Only those of you who’ve been down this particular road will truly know what I’m talking about but that’s okay. Think of it like an addiction, once you start you can’t stop and eventually you have to do it more and more because ‘just a little’ is never enough and once you’ve done it you always remember how that rush felt. Thoughts are easy to counter but when you remember feelings… well… I’m just glad I haven’t gotten that bad. I might even be dealing with my stressors better as of recent which wouldn’t be surprising. :) One can hope.

Okay, now I’m just babbling. See what happens when I don’t post for awhile? I get all these backup thoughts that I didn’t know I had and they come gushing out of me faster than I can type. :) I feel like writing. I need to go open yWriter and just explode on the mental blank page.

I feel the realm of fantasy and darkness calling me. Winged beings and destiny, paradoxes and eyes within eyes. Names and faces, hearts and souls, the world is mine to create. *squee!* Okay, no more caffeine for the Feeby. Peace all.

Lots of good writing lately. Mostly prompts but as I’ve discovered recently prompts can inspire so much more and unlock doors I never knew were closed. I’ve noticed that I tend to get inspired more often by random things when I start doing prompts at this rate. It’s not a bad thing but sometimes after writing a long passage I’ll have to lay down for a moment, mentally exhausted. On one hand it’s a nice feeling and on the other hand… I’m not so sure. I suppose the mind like any muscle must ache at times when we rigorously exercise parts that hadn’t been quite used that way for some while.

I’ve been contemplating something for a bit. Part of me cringes as the idea but… it could serve a purpose. A lot of my online friends write fan fiction. I’ve read a little here and there and every once in awhile I find myself coming up with alternative plots. It seems like an interesting way to practice writing without going through the process of back story and character creation. Don’t get me wrong I find both to be fun but sometimes it’s nice to just work on the meat of a story. The everything else.

I’m still not sure but it’s in my thought pattern so chances are I’ll probably give it a go. After all a path never traveled is an adventure never experienced and what a loss that would truly be. I already do a lot of reviewing. *shrug* I don’t know.

Instead of going out today like I thought I was going to my Hunny and I stayed home. It was good because he really needs a break. Class five days a week and work the other two would certainly be too much for me to handle. Sometimes I wonder how he does it. It still kind of wanted to get out of the house today but in the end I’m glad I didn’t. I need to rest more. Let my lungs be easy and not move around too much. Plus I got a ton of writing done.

I go back to work tomorrow. I think I’m on the schedule for the next four days. *sigh* That’s honestly enough to take it out of me plus the chances of me ending up working with the one coworker, you know the mean one with a temper, throughout the whole week. I don’t look forward to that.

I’m not even looking forward to payday. My next two or three checks have to go towards paying off some tax discrepancy of some sort but I don’t feel like talking about it. Makes me depressed.

On that note, the last one there, I am feeling a lot better. Getting stronger in dealing with this new level of emotions and memories. It seems I’m  having more asthma attacks at work than at home but the weird emotional surges are happening everywhere. By my calculations this is the third month it’s been going on.

Work might try to pull me back into line running again. Not sure if I’m going to go after what they did to me last time. It’s better hours, less working with people I dislike, but… I’m not sure. My Hunny wouldn’t have to fret about money quite so much if I could get in a better position at work but I’m just not sure I could go through ‘that’ again.

I’m getting a second job elsewhere. I have to turn my application in and try not to hold breath. If I don’t get it I’ll apply some other place. I’ll take the bus if I have to work further from home though both my Hunny and I would rather not go down that route. If I go back into that one position at work and get another job I’ll have three in truth. I’ll still be working part time in my current department.

The two jobs at the same place combined won’t really make me much more money unless I take more hours. I can only take more hours in the department I ‘was’ in that they want me back in though. I can’t take the strain on my back for more hours in my current department. Then I could split my remaining hours conscious between school work and the other place.

I know. It doesn’t sound very fun but I have to do what I have to do. I can’t just stop working at my current place. I can’t afford it and I can’t just quit my one department, the one that puts me through so much pain. Even if I start working again in the other one they won’t let me quit that one. I’m the only one who manages things and knows where everything is.

*sigh* Sometimes I feel mighty trapped but it’s times like these that I learn to appreciate stuff. It could always be worse. Yeah, it could be better too and I have no doubt I’ll get there sooner or later but in the mean time I need to practice patience and earn some strength for my struggles. Even if this path sucks at the moment, I’m not walking it empty handed.