Feb
Doing What’s Right for Me
I’m taking a break.
Not from blogging and certainly not from writing in general. Just from everything else.
I’m putting in a request for about a week or so off from work. I’m going to lie and tell them I’ll be visiting my sister and during this time my caller ID will be my best friend. I’m not going to take any shifts and I’m not going to let them finagle me in for one reason or another.
I’ve put an official notice on my community site. A lot of them worry about me already and I’ve been kind of ‘away’ the past few days. I told them that I’ll still be around via email and occasionally IM to help them but that right now I just can’t deal with stress. There are no lies there.
I’m just not handling stress well right now. I’m not sure why, to be honest I’m usually in a great mood and I can see the light in everything no matter how pessimistic I may sound at times but something is still hurting me inside and I not only need to take the time to figure out what it is but I also need to practice some…. precautions to help me be in the real world ‘while’ this is all going on.
For example: Normally I let whatever dish person I’m working with rant and rave or talk about the drama in the kitchen that they perceive. I don’t participate most of the time but I have found myself dragged in once or twice. *sigh* Blame my young age for this. Anyway, my dishie started to talk about a guy in the kitchen I’d recently had a problem with (I would have done this even if it wasn’t him) and I held up my hand and said something along the lines of ‘right now I’m going through some heavy stuff. I’m trying not to stress out over anything that’s not important. I’m sorry, normally I’d love to listen and rant myself but I just can’t. I don’t care what new stupid things he’s done. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to tell you what to do but I really don’t want to hear about anything he’s doing. I just can’t handle it.’ It went better than that but it happened day before yesterday so… yeah.
Today was harder. I had to work with the chick dishie I used to live with, the one with the major attitude problem. She’s loud. She cusses at everyone in a bipolar manner and half jokingly threatened to ‘sock me in the face’ when I moved a plate. She blared rap music to the point I had to go ‘huh’ every five second and told me to ‘bust my ass’ every couple of seconds even though I was the only one working most of the time.
I started out washing and she’d leave to go talk to someone, then return take a couple things off the back but she wouldn’t put anything away till the cooks were yelling for plates. Then when there was a ton of stuff on the end she told me she was going to go smoke and asked me to take the stuff off the back even though I was already washing. She cursed me, threatened me, treated me like shit and for once I said nothing.
I didn’t try to joke with her and get her to be happy but neither did I tell her how I felt. Either one could result in her blowing up and I just couldn’t/can’t handle that right now. So I was silent. I did both out work and skipped over her music when she was gone so the CD would finish faster and she might have to put something else in. I also asked the people she was talking to, to gently encourage her to check in the dish room more.
All this while I could feel the pressure in my chest building. Not only are the main things irritating me but part of me, this new part that I can’t seem to control, is internally flipping out at the smallest of things. I’m so irritated, annoyed and I just want to scream and curse and throw things at one point but I don’t. That’ll only hurt me in the end.
So, I do what I always do when I’m feeling a little hopeless and I know I need a little help. I asked the angels. I told them I can’t handle this, if it’s some test I’m not sure I’m going to pass it and I just can’t do this right now. I listed off everything that was wrong and just kept working and suffering through the day. I made it. I lasted till the work was done and I got home. I still had to use the inhaler and I still nearly cried but I still made it.
I only blew up once when a cook punched my dish machine. I say mine because I fix these things and if they break I’m the one who falls behind. I told him if he ever did that again I’d kick his but though I must admit there were a few more curse words involved. I didn’t really care about the machine at the moment though, I just can’t deal with his stress and mine. Heck, I’m wondering how I’m handling mine right now.
Some good news, it only took three minutes to convince myself to take the inhaler tonight. It was also only mildly bad when I decided to take it mid way through the night.
So, I’m lessening my stress load. I’ve always been good about handling it but right now there’s too much. I’m taking the inhaler with less… disdain for lack of a better word. I’m remembering to ask for help when I need it, kind of. And I’m acknowledging when/that I need to take a break from some things. All in all I think I’m doing pretty good. I even went down to human resources the other day to side step a problem with a coworker that I would have normally let go for a week or two till it goes away on its own.
23Feb
doing what’s right by you is a very good thing. sometimes we can all benefit from stepping away from certain situations or people, even if only for a recharge. sometimes even a minor change can make a major difference. :-)
i’m sorry to read about that nasty co-worker, though. chances are she has issues with herself, but chooses to deflect/ignore them and take them out on others. hopefully some day she will learn. in the mean time, it is kind souls like yourself who suffer. not good.
stress can be so debilitating. and even more so when created/fuelled by another. at least we can recognise and easier work on our own issues, but when it comes from without it’s harder. that said, i’ve sometimes found that an outside stress can be an indicator of something in me that i’m struggling with. and this ties in with the “cosmic law of attraction”, and could highlight something important i need to learn. perhaps this could play a part for you?
i think your decision to step away from the unclean rant was good and wise, and i wish more of us could do this more often. if the ranter is shown that nobody is interested, or there’s nobody listening, perhaps they wouldn’t emit as many unkind/negative thoughts or emotions? either way, you’ve avoided their influence, so feel only good about that.
i can understand your disdain for the inhaler, but it’s merely a device. like a kind word or a hug/kiss, for example, that helps you better live your day. try and accept it for that, and not think about your negative associations with it? again, i’m preaching better than i practiced, cos i felt similarly regarding prescribed medication, but i think every little thing like this can help. even something basic, like a thankyou? every time before and after you press the trigger say thank you. it helps me appreciate even the smallest thing.
either way, i reckon you’re doing fabulous, and will continue to do fabulous and shine your wonderful spirit on those who are fortunate enough to come into contact with you. :D
t
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23Feb
*Hug* to you!
It does sound like a lot of stress there at work. And it’s only normal when ‘too much’ becomes ‘too much’. So you made a good choice by taking some time off :-)
Enjoy your free time ;-)
23Feb
J1M: Ooo, I love these long comments! You know what, after stepping over to your blog for a moment I think you need to read some of your comments over here. You always have wonderful words of wisdom but it’s a shame we humans can never listen to ourselves. *cough* I do it to. *cough* That aside onto the comment…
Indeed. I know her on a very personal level. I at one time called her sister and I know she’s having problems but still… my mother had problems and looking back, the me of now wouldn’t stand for them. I won’t stand for hers either but until I can handle standing up I’ll just have to stand strong.
Much agreed though I’ve never heard it worded so justly. “Cosmic law of attraction.” Yeah, if I have a bad day all bad things seems to come at me and vice versa on a good day. *sigh* I know I should be learning something from this and in part I believe I am- I know I’m starting to rely on myself more and starting to try to toughen up against her/them but it still hurts a bit.
It was hard to step away in a sense. I did it the once but when stuff came up again and again in coversation as is bound to happen, occasionally I found myself wanting to give in and listen or worse- add my negative two cents. So difficult. Mayhaps I’ll make more of a concious effort on this. I’d really like to make myself practice it more in everyday life.
I’m getting better with the inhalor. I’m more concious of when I need it and less concious of my using of it. I’m not able to thank it just yet because a part of me seems to have a grudge against it but I do remember your words each time I grimace at it. That counts as progress right?
!ufoT
23Feb
A&S: *hugs back* Thankies I need those.
Alas, I haven’t gotten much of my free time but all be damned I’m going to get it! :D
23Feb
progress, indeed. muchly so. :-)
as for words here or at my blog, i guess i’m still more supportive of others than self. but i KNOW this. and i am trying, little by little. ;-)
23Feb
Ah, but knowing is as they say- they first foot on the path to solving the problem. Goodness knows I’m jusst as bad maybe worse.