Feb
A Fear to Share
Listening to "Some Say Love" right now. :) *sigh* I’m in a weird mood right now, weird even for me I suppose. I feel very unconnected somehow.
I have to be careful how much I write on this particular topic. It makes my chest hurt and my breath come fast and shallow like I can’t get enough air in my lungs. Yeah, I have the inhaler but I really don’t want to have to use it. Never the less, this has been bothering me for some time and I really just need to let it out- slowly. Maybe then I’ll be able to breath.
I have routine contact with only one of my biological family members. It’s online. I haven’t seen him since I was little. I have minimal contact the same way with another. These are my brothers. I don’t know the names of most of my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I don’t know faces. I have met a few but only when I was very young.
The worst part is I’m alright with this most of the time.
Little by little I feel like I’m losing my adoptive family. My sister is married now and I’ve spoken to her once or twice in the past half a year. I don’t think I’ve talked to my adoptive mom at all. I don’t remember how old my little brother is. The few times I have called I sometimes feel unwelcomed or like I’m a bother. No one calls me.
I made a friend a few months ago. I got close enough to her that she came and spent the night half a dozen times but she has moved away now and I realize how little my social circle is. Online friends aside, the only time I’m around other people is at work. I am close to a spare few, many I find nice, some I find mean. None I find trustworthy. As a silent person people don’t seem to notice me as they flit from one person to the other, telling one truth and then another. It makes me sad but that’s a different matter.
I love my Hunny. I love his family, my family, but I worry.
If something happens to him I will be left with no one. No one close. If something happens at all- what’s going to happen? When I was younger and lived with my mother my dream in life was living alone, unmarried, in a quiet place. My dream has changed. I like being held, comforted, and having someone to share moments with.
The logical part of my mind is telling me I should go out and socialize more but I know it’s not that simple for me and I know that certainly won’t get rid of this fear.
I had my family taken away from me, left my mother, lost my other family, and the friends I do have are all far away. Everyone keeps going away. I have nightmares about something happening to my Hunny. This isn’t really a new fear. I’ve had this fear in different forms all my life.
When I had my departed cat Madison, my first pet and dearest friend, I used to wake up in the middle of every night to make sure he was still breathing and then he was taken, by force, away from me too. Now I do this with any of the cats that chance sleep on me at night as well as with my Hunny and even when my friend would come spend the night. I have nightmares that my young cat child meets an untimely end just like Madison, or that he runs away, or is taken away. These dreams make me cry. Heck, these thoughts make me cry.
It’s not death. I don’t fear death and have several beliefs on the topic that remind me that it’s not the end. That’s not the issue here. I’m either afraid of being alone or having people leave me. Not sure which it is but the fear is growing. I’m so happy right now. I’m loved, I love, and life is good even when it’s bad. I have so much to lose right now and if I lose these people (the cats are people too) then I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’ll break more than likely.
I swear I’m not depressed. Really this was a decent day and I’m in a good mood. It’s just this whole thing, fear, has been getting progressively worse. I’m not handling stress well right now to say the least. Usually I can handle a lot of stuff, heh, any of you who’ve read about my past can see that, but right now it’s like the smallest things make me feel odd and weird thoughts are coming out of nowhere.
Given, I remember my past at the worst times as is and always at random but usually after an episode or two it all regresses to the back of my mind where it all belongs. Yeah, stuff happened, but I’ve moved on and accepted it even when it hurts here and there. Now when I have one of these episodes I have these breathing issues and they come back even more and seemingly unprovoked.
I’m wondering if I should go back to therapy. I’m also wondering if this post is too long but I don’t really care at the moment. Part of me wants to go back to therapy. I talk to my Hunny but he can only help so much, more so, I can only help myself so much. Meditation can only calm my mind so far, sleep can only restore so much, and writing can only pluck my fears out of my heart for so long.
22Feb
that’s funnyweird. i had the very same kind of day yesterday. and actually posted kind of similarly, having listened to a song i love and written about how i felt discombobulated and unconnected.
i also have very similar feelings regarding friends and socialising, and know i should do more, but rarely take myself up on this. i’m still yet to fully figure out why, but i reckon (at least) part of it is regarding variations of lack of self-worth.
as for worrying about losing your loved ones, i think the worst thing you could do is think about it too much. i believe in “as within, so without”. and i think we can manifest change in our lives through our thoughts. especially in ourselves and our near/closeby loved ones. i think worrying about people only feeds more worry into the world. try and picture them safe and loving and being your friends. it’s not always easy –and i most certainly preach better than i practice, unfortunately– but it’s a solid idea, and one i hope you get to/let work for you.
tofu. ;-)
22Feb
I know the fear you are talking about. I have never had a particularly stable family. Even as a child I found my solace often outside of my immediate family. At this point in my life I am pretty close to my husband’s family (as you describe) and I don’t think they would abandon you if something happened to him for starters! Being close to him and his family is often enough, but I do fear–at times–how lonely I would be if something did happen to my spouse.
That being said. I’m not a very social person. I keep up with a few people I worked with. I have a few long distance friends that I knew from high school and college but only sporadically. most of my communication is by email and sometimes by phone.
But what can all these mean to help you? Just from experience I think those feelings will ebb and flow. When you have experieneced loss I think you are more attuned to it than other people who have not had a major loss.
The worst of it for me was when I was about 21 I think. Living by myself, dating but I just realized that ultimtely I am alone and that is ok. I’m gonna share it with you (sorry for the long comment) and just suffice it to say–this too shall pass.
New Winter
Here
I sit
with the
inconsistent
yet persistent
kiss
of new winter.
It raises
the hair
on my arms,
erect
and proud.
Of what?
Of feeling
the numbness
of draft;
ok knowing
that numbness
is feeling.
*virtual hugs to you* :)
22Feb
J1M: Must be the energy in the universe right now. ;)
Socializing tends to cause me more stress than good at times and if I do put myself out there it has to be with someone relatively less… drama’like than people I’m used to. Yeah… I wonder about my self worth at times too but I know my mind lies to me. I’m a good person with a good heart and that’s all I need to focus on even if my self esteem could deffinetly be pulled up a couple of notches.
See, I try not to think about it. Most of the time I don’t, or rahter- I won’t but as of late certain unamed people keep shoving certain things in my face and trying their hardest to force me to think about it. I’d honestly rather pretend nothing can happen and go on apreciating the time I have.
Muchly agreed, it is a solid idea and you may not know this but each time you remind me to think positively that’s another time I repeat it to myself the next time I’m thinking/writing negatively.
-Tofu :D
22Feb
Eeek system error won’t let me post
more than a line or two. will reply
jc. give me a bit to email blogger.
peace