Written Whispers

Alright. I know, this is my sixth post tonight but I figured since I’ve shared darn near every single thought that’s looked at me crossways tonight I should leave you with my last ones before I drift off to whatever realm my spirit seeks to flitter into.

This is a prayer I say often before sleeping. It’s modified from a semi new (written in last ten years’ish?) Wiccan/Neo Pagan prayer written by Silver Ravenwolf an activist against religious discrimination.

This is my version:

In the darkness of the night
While the world around me sleeps,
May the angels smile upon me
And the Lady bring me peace.

Instill in me great harmony-
In thought, and word, and deed.
Blessings upon all those I know and love,
I know you’ll give them what they need.

By peace and soul
So mote it be.

Whenever I babysat I used to tell the kids a similar version of this prayer though slightly ‘more’ modified to keep all religious connotations out just in case.

Good night all.

You know what? I love everything. The good, the bad, and the junk. Everything is part of everything and even when things don’t go the way I want them to I still have so much to… to… everything!

I’m thankful, proud, happy, learning, accepting, teaching, growing, seeing, experiencing, curious, loving, moving, everything. Everything!

The universe is one big puddle. All things are part of the same stuff. When I dance the universe is dancing with me. When I sing it too sings. When I cry it seems as if all is crying. When I understand, in those rare few moments like this, then it is as if the whole universe is full of understanding.

See light and be light. See dark and be dark. See neither and be nothing. See both and see everything. Experience it all in all it’s fullness. Walk all the paths you can, regret no mistakes, and never try to go back on a choice. See. Be. Dance. Flow. Love.

Everything.

[Read first comment for post explanation, kind of.]

[Note: Will be doing comments tonight, might nap first.]

I have had a moment of clarity. though brief and fleeting I think there was just enough power in it that it may have changed where I’m heading in life.

A few months ago, just after November and the NaNoWriMo, I started looking into Norse myths because I had somehow subconsciously weaved what I knew of them into my story. It was a wonderful moment when I discovered this and I immediate set out and started to do some research, looking further into Norse mythology and history (neither I’m a novice at). It was fun and had a great effect on my whole story writing experience and helped to shape my story with new ideas and old concepts. Truly wonderful all around.

A month or so later I had an idea for a story I have yet to begin. It’s in the ‘if I get sudden inspiration and time’ pile for now. It tied into all the different mythos I’ve read about the moon and sun, mostly the moon me being primarily a Wiccan for the longest time. Lots of Celtic and Egyptian concepts all tied together in ways so small that only a historian or another person with great interest in mythology would be able to pin point.

Now I’m working on my project called Other World. OW for short. One character, not a main or even a side kick though they do have something to do with a turning point in the story, is based on and old African water spirit/goddess of sorts. She had started out as a simple obscure mermaid and then I transformed her into this being portrayed in the old stories. It was unknowingly at first, just something I did, but then I realized I didn’t know a tidbit that I thought was important about old Mami Wata (or the river mamma in some languages) so I did a bit of research. It lead me to some things I didn’t know as I’ve never studied myths from this part of the world in detail.

Suddenly one or two things about her gave me some ideas and I ran (moused) back on over to my yWriter document and started typing as fast as I could. I now has a sub plot that I didn’t have before as well as a motive for a main character that I didn’t realize I was lacking.

Seeking to do more research on Mami I went to the book store (the net is too variable when it comes to myths, anyone can publish something, I wanted references and such) and found the myth isle which I’m becoming increasingly familiar with and sat down for the better part of four hours.

Sitting there I realized that I’ve read most of these books and seriously took something out of them that I’m using in real life. I’m not trying to tie myths from around the world into the plot of my latest fantasy idea and often I’m half way through before I realize it. I think back to when I went to Concord (it’s a charter school focused primarily on art, alas, they don’t prepare you much credit wise for beyond high school) where I took ancient history and passed even though it was my lazy years.

Then I went back to public school after public school, and so on and so forth until I came to the last one I attended. There I took Mythology and I loved it. I really did my work in that class and it really all stuck with me. I got along with my teacher very well, though I didn’t do much home work, well, any. We would have long discussions and I’d tell her about my writing and she’d lone me her personal books to take home (she’d rather I was reading ‘good’ literature in her class if I wasn’t going to do my work). I remember when she discovered my love of Hamlet she gave my a bag full of Shakespeare’s works and told me to keep them.

She really had an effect on me. When I was younger I had tons of reference books on ancient history and mythology, mostly Celtic/Irish in nature but I loved to learn it all. I even taught myself how to write in Ogham (semi Norse’ish) and Theban (somewhere near Egypt but after hieroglyphs… I think). I loved it all. I’ve always had a true love of it and I’ve never realized it until that moment sitting in the store.

With my train of thought my mind goes back to my teacher. Mind you I’ve only been out of public school two years or so I suppose, maybe three. She had a true blue effect on me in a way no one else has. We didn’t have personal talks but she knew what I was going through. I didn’t do work in her class but she made sure I still learned and let me flow my own way.

She has died recently. About six months back, very near to my home and though I hadn’t seen her for a long while and we weren’t close I sent a prayer. I find myself thinking of her often when I think about writing, another class she taught that I loved though oddly I failed (didn’t do my work).

I don’t think without her short presence in my life I would have had this startling realization after her death. I have realized that after I’m done with my education and I go on to continue it I want to learn more ancient history with a special emphasis on mythos. I want to get a job someday that requires me to talk about and delve and research all of this and especially to write about it.

The passion has always been there and the path has been waiting in front of me for the longest time but she helped me unveil it. She didn’t lift a finger and true- my writing is what led me to the bookstore but she kept my love of myth and history alive during the roughest time in my life. I didn’t even remember I loved it until now but if I hadn’t had that bridge point….

I’m babbling now. Anyway, I’m happy. I’ve found something to love and to strive for. Maybe this is the kick in the pants I need to complete my education. Who knows, perhaps I’ll end up teaching myth/ancient history and creative writing just like she did. Maybe, like her, I’ll have an impact on others with the smallest of touches long after presence.

This is a very babbly post, sorry about that. Might be because my thoughts on this all go in circles and it was during a moment of ‘clarity’ that all this came to the front of my mind. The key word here is moment. To realize something and relay it a day later is, well, fun to try.

Side note: I also just realized that I’ve used a lot of Japanese myth in one of my characters as well as ancient Japanese culture for their past. :)

Yes. I’ve taken on another crusade of self betterment. To see my other little crusade which I have failed a few times (but not given up!) please see ‘My Vow Against the Mirror.’

This time I have decided to better myself as a writer and strive to be a little less lazy. It’s not quite as noble a cause as the other one but it’s easier to maintain and I’ll see results quicker. That doesn’t make it better in retrospect but it helps me feel like I’m achieving something. Sometimes it’s good to set small goals purposely that you know you can make just because it has a positive impact.

I’ve been doing this for awhile now but I’ve decided I want to make an official effort. We humans, not just writer’s in general, rely much too heavily on blessed technology known as Spell Check in all it’s many beautiful forms.

I write a great deal. It’s just how I am and I’m proud to say that even without SC my writing is readable. You don’t need to sound out individual syllables or go through to the end of the sentence to make sense of any one word (unless my vocabulary betrays me and I put the wrong word in the wrong spot but that’s more grammar than spelling). I often stumble over double consonants and typos abound in some of the worst places but it’s still coherent in it’s majority and that’s what matters right?

Wrong.

Now, I’ve always had this saying. "A good writer focuses on their writing and a good speller focuses on their spelling. I am a writer not a speller." So far this has served me well but I want to be able to do both. I am a wordsmith at heart and like any other artisan I should strive to perfect the craft I enjoy so much. Yes, I must turn the inner and technological editor off while I write because it’s a distraction but there is no reason why I shouldn’t make a better effort to improve my already decent spelling.

That and I was starting to feel just plain lazy when I would click SC and those red squiggly lines popped up. All I would do was search for the right word and a click it then move onto the next. Maybe a more observant person would learn from seeing the correct word in the list but I do not or have not- not that I was trying really.

Now when I see those lines instead of right clicking I go through and retype, and retype, and retype the word until I get it right. Sometimes it’s as simple as a typo and this retyping helps me be more aware and catch them quicker. Sometimes I’ve just forgotten the double T or P or  N or I’ve actually added one in the wrong word. Sometimes I have no clue how something is spelled like *thinks for a minute* alright I can’t think of anything at the moment but sometimes I use words that are fairly large and while I use them correctly sometimes I’m amazed at how they are truly spelled. This way I am learning. This way I am doing.

So, my vow is- instead of letting the SC do the work for me I’m going to switch my perception of it. It’s no longer a tool to make life easier in my eyes. It is now a resource to help me learn and better myself as well as an opportunity to practice ‘taking that extra step’ even when I don’t need to.

This may seem like an impossibly tiny thing but really whenever I’m done making a post and I see those squiggles after I hit the button it’s a reminder to work just a little harder and keep improving. Since I post just about every day I am reminded every day and find myself remembering at the oddest moments and taking more initiative in life.

This is my second vow *holds up tea in salute* here’s to ambition, perspective, and self improvement.

There were 8 misspellings in this post. 2 were typos.

Hey, I just posted something new on my private blog for those of you with access. Go check it out when you have time. Lots of writing tonight, I’ll respond to all comments tomorrow and even check my email!

Anyone who wants to look at my private writing blog is free to ask for an invite. I’m not real picky just paranoid.

I feel loved. I am loved. :) Been talking wedding plans all the way home from work with my Hunny’s mom. I love talking about the wedding! We’ve set a date and are starting to sift out all the details.

6 more months!

Today was better than yesterday and that’s all I ask for.

The not so nice co-worker was sick today so in a way, and I’m sure it’s bad to think like this, my prayer was answered. She was very quiet most of the day and thus civil,… to a point. The day went by slower and more things seemed to have gone wrong but I wasn’t irritated at a bunch of small things which in the end makes me feel infinitely better.

I blatantly ignored any negative talk and drama going on around me as well as negative comments about my work, speed, or me in general. The last bit wasn’t quite so easy since I got pulled aside and yelled at today for things beyond me control more than once.

The overall worst part of my day was making myself eat a half plate of food in under three minutes. Why a half plate? Because no one gave me a single chance to eat till the end of the night and if I don’t eat a good amount every few hours I start to shake and get very tired and dizzy. Why under three minutes? Because the one coworker wouldn’t have it any other way. She can have her smoke breaks and half and hour break because she’s a minor but goodness forbid should I take one moment near to the end of the night and sit down. When I returned from stuffing my face she made me play ‘fetch’. Avoiding as much stress as possible and trying to get out of work ASAP I complied without a word.

Honestly, I’d love to report her but I really know for a fact it wouldn’t do me any good. It would in fact do more harm than good and I can tough it out if I have to, I’ve honestly been through worse. Especially with her.

I got to mentally work on my writing whenever she was quiet or away from the kitchen which was nice and even though I didn’t get to eat I did get to bring home the other half of my plate and a nice chicken quesdea (sp?) for my Hunny.

Anyway, like I said. It’s gone better than yesterday and I’m keeping the Tao philosophy of ‘flow’ firmly in mind whenever my human mind will allow me. I can’t wait till I’m emotionally feeling better. I want to write about writing more but for now I need to vent, vent, vent. Get it all out of my system and hope for the best.

I’ve officially decided I’m going to go back to therapy. I have a lot of minor issues I need to work out, not past stuff per say because I’ve been in therapy for that on and off forever but for other little things that I dare not mention in my conscious mind.

More good news, I took the inhaler after only a couple seconds this time. Also, I took it at the first sign of trouble breathing though I’m now wondering if I should have waited longer because I felt the need to use it again less than two hours later. I refuse to use it twice in a night. That aside, progress is being made for now.

Ok, now I’m going to go write. Peace, love, and tofu grease. May all your dreams come true!!! And mine too while we’re at it.

So, I just got this weird phone call. Mind you it’s 1 am, yeah I stay up till 6 or so in the morning but no one in their right mind calls me this late.

Bewildered but expecting one of my friends needing help or something of the sort I dig it out of my purse anyway. The caller ID says private. I only know one person who appears as private but she shouldn’t be up this late let alone have to use that phone anymore. Just incase it’s important I still answer. Mind you no one calls me unless it’s important. I’m not the kind of person that you want to talk to on the phone.

So I pick up and it’s the boy- that’s the first warning sigh. Not only don’t I know the person but I sure as heck don’t give my number out the anyone of the male species unless I know them well enough to recognize their voice even with the flu.

He says ‘hey’. Like I should know who it is. I say ‘who is this’. He says his name is- well, let’s just call him J. I don’t know anyone off the top of my head by his name, another bad sigh. I ask ‘J who?’, a thought occurs that this person might have the wrong number. ‘Who are you looking for’ I ask. He names me and I ask who he is again but he seems reluctant to give me a last name. Says he went to high school with me. I don’t remember a J.

So I hang up. Naturally.

I grumbled to my Hunny and went back to my laptop content to pretend it was a wrong number in some way or another. Then the phone rings again. I groan and glare at my tie-died cell. Hunny generously offers to answer for me. I thank him and hand over the phone, listening in earnest.

Hunny is polite but forceful and gets a last name out of the kid. I’ve never heard this last name. Ever. I say as much to my Hun and J gives him that line about how we went to school together. Hun reiterates that I don’t have any memory of him and finally gets the point I had almost over looked at this point by asking ‘what do you want?’.

There is a pause and then a ‘well she’s not interested buddy’ and a ‘don’t call again’ before my Hunny hangs up. This J guy apparently wanted to see or hang out with me sometime. I promptly turned the phone off afterwards.

This has me very upset to be honest. The worst thing someone can do to me is invade my carefully constructed privacy and giving my number out is just one of the worst ways they can do it. I’ve worked hard to keep my name(s) and aliases online nearly untraceable via the internet, something I’m very good at.

There are only two people still attending high school that could have given my number out. One I wouldn’t think would do it and the other, well, let’s just say I only gave my number to her in case she needed help. Mind you, if I were still in public school I would have graduated last or this year depending on how you look at my credit situation. The last high school I attended was officially two years ago. That aside-

I plan on tracking down whoever has given my number out. I’m not happy about this and the last thing I need is random people calling me and trying to get me to go ‘party’ with them when it takes me three weeks to make a call myself and the only parties I have are with family.

Anyway, this post isn’t important but I felt like venting and writing helps me think through things better.

I’m taking a break.

Not from blogging and certainly not from writing in general. Just from everything else.

I’m putting in a request for about a week or so off from work. I’m going to lie and tell them I’ll be visiting my sister and during this time my caller ID will be my best friend. I’m not going to take any shifts and I’m not going to let them finagle me in for one reason or another.

I’ve put an official notice on my community site. A lot of them worry about me already and I’ve been kind of ‘away’ the past few days. I told them that I’ll still be around via email and occasionally IM to help them but that right now I just can’t deal with stress. There are no lies there.

I’m just not handling stress well right now. I’m not sure why, to be honest I’m usually in a great mood and I can see the light in everything no matter how pessimistic I may sound at times but something is still hurting me inside and I not only need to take the time to figure out what it is but I also need to practice some…. precautions to help me be in the real world ‘while’ this is all going on.

For example: Normally I let whatever dish person I’m working with rant and rave or talk about the drama in the kitchen that they perceive. I don’t participate most of the time but I have found myself dragged in once or twice. *sigh* Blame my young age for this. Anyway, my dishie started to talk about a guy in the kitchen I’d recently had a problem with (I would have done this even if it wasn’t him) and I held up my hand and said something along the lines of ‘right now I’m going through some heavy stuff. I’m trying not to stress out over anything that’s not important. I’m sorry, normally I’d love to listen and rant myself but I just can’t. I don’t care what new stupid things he’s done. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to tell you what to do but I really don’t want to hear about anything he’s doing. I just can’t handle it.’ It went better than that but it happened day before yesterday so… yeah.

Today was harder. I had to work with the chick dishie I used to live with, the one with the major attitude problem. She’s loud. She cusses at everyone in a bipolar manner and half jokingly threatened to ‘sock me in the face’ when I moved a plate. She blared rap music to the point I had to go ‘huh’ every five second and told me to ‘bust my ass’ every couple of seconds even though I was the only one working most of the time.

I started out washing and she’d leave to go talk to someone, then return take a couple things off the back but she wouldn’t put anything away till the cooks were yelling for plates. Then when there was a ton of stuff on the end she told me she was going to go smoke and asked me to take the stuff off the back even though I was already washing. She cursed me, threatened me, treated me like shit and for once I said nothing.

I didn’t try to joke with her and get her to be happy but neither did I tell her how I felt. Either one could result in her blowing up and I just couldn’t/can’t handle that right now. So I was silent. I did both out work and skipped over her music when she was gone so the CD would finish faster and she might have to put something else in. I also asked the people she was talking to, to gently encourage her to check in the dish room more.

All this while I could feel the pressure in my chest building. Not only are the main things irritating me but part of me, this new part that I can’t seem to control, is internally flipping out at the smallest of things. I’m so irritated, annoyed and I just want to scream and curse and throw things at one point but I don’t. That’ll only hurt me in the end.

So, I do what I always do when I’m feeling a little hopeless and I know I need a little help. I asked the angels. I told them I can’t handle this, if it’s some test I’m not sure I’m going to pass it and I just can’t do this right now. I listed off everything that was wrong and just kept working and suffering through the day. I made it. I lasted till the work was done and I got home. I still had to use the inhaler and I still nearly cried but I still made it.

I only blew up once when a cook punched my dish machine. I say mine because I fix these things and if they break I’m the one who falls behind. I told him if he ever did that again I’d kick his but though I must admit there were a few more curse words involved. I didn’t really care about the machine at the moment though, I just can’t deal with his stress and mine. Heck, I’m wondering how I’m handling mine right now.

Some good news, it only took three minutes to convince myself to take the inhaler tonight. It was also only mildly bad when I decided to take it mid way through the night.

So, I’m lessening my stress load. I’ve always been good about handling it but right now there’s too much. I’m taking the inhaler with less… disdain for lack of a better word. I’m remembering to ask for help when I need it, kind of. And I’m acknowledging when/that I need to take a break from some things. All in all I think I’m doing pretty good. I even went down to human resources the other day to side step a problem with a coworker that I would have normally let go for a week or two till it goes away on its own.

Listening to "Some Say Love" right now. :) *sigh* I’m in a weird mood right now, weird even for me I suppose. I feel very unconnected somehow.

I have to be careful how much I write on this particular topic. It makes my chest hurt and my breath come fast and shallow like I can’t get enough air in my lungs. Yeah, I have the inhaler but I really don’t want to have to use it. Never the less, this has been bothering me for some time and I really just need to let it out- slowly. Maybe then I’ll be able to breath.

I have routine contact with only one of my biological family members. It’s online. I haven’t seen him since I was little. I have minimal contact the same way with another. These are my brothers. I don’t know the names of most of my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I don’t know faces. I have met a few but only when I was very young.

The worst part is I’m alright with this most of the time.

Little by little I feel like I’m losing my adoptive family. My sister is married now and I’ve spoken to her once or twice in the past half a year. I don’t think I’ve talked to my adoptive mom at all. I don’t remember how old my little brother is. The few times I have called I sometimes feel unwelcomed or like I’m a bother. No one calls me.

I made a friend a few months ago. I got close enough to her that she came and spent the night half a dozen times but she has moved away now and I realize how little my social circle is. Online friends aside, the only time I’m around other people is at work. I am close to a spare few, many I find nice, some I find mean. None I find trustworthy. As a silent person people don’t seem to notice me as they flit from one person to the other, telling one truth and then another. It makes me sad but that’s a different matter.

I love my Hunny. I love his family, my family, but I worry.

If something happens to him I will be left with no one. No one close. If something happens at all- what’s going to happen? When I was younger and lived with my mother my dream in life was living alone, unmarried, in a quiet place. My dream has changed. I like being held, comforted, and having someone to share moments with.

The logical part of my mind is telling me I should go out and socialize more but I know it’s not that simple for me and I know that certainly won’t get rid of this fear.

I had my family taken away from me, left my mother, lost my other family, and the friends I do have are all far away. Everyone keeps going away. I have nightmares about something happening to my Hunny. This isn’t really a new fear. I’ve had this fear in different forms all my life.

When I had my departed cat Madison, my first pet and dearest friend, I used to wake up in the middle of every night to make sure he was still breathing and then he was taken, by force, away from me too. Now I do this with any of the cats that chance sleep on me at night as well as with my Hunny and even when my friend would come spend the night. I have nightmares that my young cat child meets an untimely end just like Madison, or that he runs away, or is taken away. These dreams make me cry. Heck, these thoughts make me cry.

It’s not death. I don’t fear death and have several beliefs on the topic that remind me that it’s not the end. That’s not the issue here. I’m either afraid of being alone or having people leave me. Not sure which it is but the fear is growing. I’m so happy right now. I’m loved, I love, and life is good even when it’s bad. I have so much to lose right now and if I lose these people (the cats are people too) then I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’ll break more than likely.

I swear I’m not depressed. Really this was a decent day and I’m in a good mood. It’s just this whole thing, fear, has been getting progressively worse. I’m not handling stress well right now to say the least. Usually I can handle a lot of stuff, heh, any of you who’ve read about my past can see that, but right now it’s like the smallest things make me feel odd and weird thoughts are coming out of nowhere.

Given, I remember my past at the worst times as is and always at random but usually after an episode or two it all regresses to the back of my mind where it all belongs. Yeah, stuff happened, but I’ve moved on and accepted it even when it hurts here and there. Now when I have one of these episodes I have these breathing issues and they come back even more and seemingly unprovoked.

I’m wondering if I should go back to therapy. I’m also wondering if this post is too long but I don’t really care at the moment. Part of me wants to go back to therapy. I talk to my Hunny but he can only help so much, more so, I can only help myself so much. Meditation can only calm my mind so far, sleep can only restore so much, and writing can only pluck my fears out of my heart for so long.

Well, been writing all night now. I’m a very happy camper as far as that’s concerned but I find myself with a question. A couple of hours ago I was typing along, rewriting my first, second, and third chapters when I had a sudden bout of inspiration. I found myself getting so far into my characters that I would end up writing a paragraph or two entirely in first person POV.

For a bit I kept trying to correct myself. I blame blogger for my resurfacing habit of journal like writing. ;) Anyway, so after a bit I said what the heck and decided it might be fun to try to write a whole chapter in first person POV. It was.

For the first few paragraphs.

I found myself stumbling a lot here and there. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get in the character’s head but I had a lot of trouble staying in present tense. Show don’t tell became much easier in many parts because I just had to write it in the character’s voice as if I was walking with them and they were telling me their story, similar to what I do via MSN for some of my personal stories.

My biggest problem is- even on MSN those stories have happened and are done with. This story is present tense that much is clear and I can write in present tense but I too easily slip back into past tense every couple of sentences without even noticing till the edit.

I’ve started reading books in first person, all are in present tense as far as my perception goes and I’ve read half a dozen sites on the topic of first person but I have yet to come across something new AND helpful. I pretty much know the other stuff in one form or another and though I did get a lot of helpful tips as well as a lot of pro and con (most con) sites on the subject- I’m still seeking something.

Help? Please? Tips? Exercises? Something else?

I don’t want to abandon the idea altogether. That just sounds like quitting and I’m fairly certain this is working out rather nicely, better than I could have imagined, for this story. I’m really liking this whole first person thing and I love having to need to go even further into my character’s psyche than I already am.

Catching up one some major writing now that both my finger and my lungs are feeling better. Not to mention my spirit altogether. Today hasn’t been the best of days but nothing too bad has happened.

A dear friend of mine called me this morning with an emergency. I wasn’t able to help her, at least not at the moment. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be able to call her back and be more help. Last night I had one hell of an asthma attack- I’m counting the woes of last night because it was in fact early this morning a few hours before the phone call that began today.

I managed to call my health insurance place (since I was already awake) only to be referred to another number that if I’m as predictable as I’ve proven so far will take me another three weeks to call because they were closed by the time I realized my 2 was actually an 8 and dialed correctly.

A snow plow came up the drive away about 6 pm’ish and I freaked out because all I saw was the lights and my first thought was an ambulance or a cop car come to tell me that something had happened to my Hunny. It didn’t occur to me till after that asthma attack that not only were the lights the wrong color and the fact that an ambulance wouldn’t come to tell me that news but also that my Hunny was still in school.

Also, for once, I’m feeling very sleep deprived. In all of this I’ve only taken a couple- maybe one- of naps. Usually this doesn’t affect me but I honestly prefer my 4 hour or less nights of sleep to be by my choice. It’s different when I’m trying to sleep and nothing will let me.

Also, I discovered via my W2′s that I have to surrender an entire paycheck (and a half possibly) because work messed something up and wasn’t taking money out for taxes. I would have never known something like this could happen if Hunny hadn’t told me. This honestly proves how little foster kids are prepared for the real world. It felt so unfair.

Given, I know a lot more than a lot of other kids who left foster care but that’s because I never trusted the system to give me anything and I knew what happens when you get out. Nonetheless I still get caught up in ignorance. I wonder if the parents of ‘normal’ children think to tell their kids to ask if taxes are being taken out, or to look at their pay stubs or something? Or do ‘normal’ kids find out another way? This certainty isn’t something they taught me in school.

All that aside-

I feel good right now. Yeah so some crap happened but no one’s hurt, my writing wasn’t deleted, the cats are all still furry and cute, and I feel connected in some small way to life more and more each day in a way I hadn’t felt in earlier years.

Wow, you know what? I was actually planning/thinking about posting something entirely different but I guess my fingers got away from me. I’ll save it for another more on topic post. This one is long enough.

Blessed be all. I truly mean that too. Be happy and love one another. No matter what happens the world has to keep on spinning (okay, unless we nuke ourselves or get hit by some cosmic boulder) and out paths keep moving. It’s like we’re on a constantly moving conveyer belt. So what if you stand around? It just keeps moving and turning and going off to different ramps that lead to whole new conveyer belts. If you don’t make one turn or the other eventually someone is going to make it for you.

Be free and make your own choices in life. There’s too much to see and do to just stand around. Shit happens, yes, but it changes nothing. It may give your more paths or make some impossible to reach at times but it does not change the fact that you have to keep moving.

Okay. I’m rather hyper right now. Typing too much. Bye bye.

[Note: I can't believe the word shit is not in my spell check. *giggles* Yes, this is the first time I've used the word on my blog. More than likely the last too but it's how my mind went at the time so I had to use it. Writing from the heart doesn't count if you censor it.]

Alright. I’m back. I’m fine now. Almost. If you don’t have any clue what I’m writing about maybe you should read the post before this one.

Goodness it was awful and I’m still coming down off the attack. My whole body feels like my pulse and my breathing still sounds like I’ve run a mile but no more wheezing or chest pains. This is the first time I have immediately sought out the inhaler and the second or perhaps third time I’ve actually been willing to use it.

Something happens at work, I make myself suffer through the pains for a couple of hours. Someone tries to convince me to leave my fiance and I cry, curse, and scream but refuse to use the breather. I run around too much and end up coughing till I’m on the floor I think about it and then go sit down and try to fix it through meditation. I have flash backs from my past at night and cry and wheeze but never think about using it.

I can go through all that without seeking out the inhaler, but all be damned, take away my writing and I run to it- fumbling in my purse, running to the bathroom (because I’m still too awkward about it to chance my sleeping Hunny to wake up and see me), tossing the cat out of the bathroom, and mentally trying to convince myself that it really won’t spray some nasty tasting aerosol down my throat even though I know it will but that’s what I have to tell myself in order to take it at all!

Gods, I think I need another puff. Best to wait a bit though. Can only do two per three hours.

Aren’t I ridiculous? I’ll put myself through all that and won’t even think about using the piece of crap but the one time it gets bad enough for me to curse the ceiling when I can’t remember what pocket of my purse it’s in- is just because I thought I lost one little file of my hard work and creativity? I feel kind of stupid to be honest. The whole only took 5 minutes to build up and another 5 of me realizing what was going on before I did anything about it.

The worst part is- if I take a drink of Propel flavored water right after using the breather my water ends up tasting like the smell of earwax.

Great. Now I’m having the chest pains. *sigh* At least it means I’m calming down. I still feel so silly for getting so stressed over this. Honestly I was pretty calm about the whole thing mentally. It’s amazing what can effect the human body sometimes.

I just got the scare of my life.

I thought I had deleted my story OW. I was going to cry even though I kept telling myself I have a semi recent version on my portable drive. I’m still shaking.

Fortunately I have discovered that no, I didn’t delete it and I have just now made a full backup of anything precious to me.

I need to go use my inhaler now. Am not joking. Night.

[Edit: Keep in mind I typed this with a possibly sprained finger/knuckle.]

I have so much buzzing around my brain at the moment. An outline, a character sketch, a new project, and old project, little prompts, big prompts. I really need to get typing and release some of the pressure in my brain. I blame it on my music. I’ve found myself so easily inspired as of late. It seems like the smallest thing can set me off and I love it- most of the time.

The other day, well, actually a couple of days ago, I was at work in the other kitchen. For once I had the brains to bring along some CDs. I don’t mind country music but I don’t seek it out and alas it’s all we get down in the other kitchen. So, I opened up my purse and popped in T.a.T.u. a Russian girl band of sorts that I enjoy during some of my louder moments.

Then I went to work washing dishes, fun fun right? Wrong, but that aside- I suddenly found myself thinking about my project Other World. We’ll call it OW for short. I recently (about two weeks back) finished the outline for the entire story and half the first draft. I’m mighty proud of this fact. When I looked it over again though I realized I had a sequel stuck in my soul along with it. Not that it’s a bad thing it’s just it seems I’m constantly making even the simplest things complicated for myself and I was worried I’d start to do that again.

Apparently I just being pessimistic because as I stood there grabbing plates, putting them in the rack, spraying them off, repeat, repeat, repeat… my mind took off and left my body on auto pilot. It was awesome. Given, I do this a lot but it’s usually some small scene on an already established project and I’m doing it on purpose to make the day go by faster. Like mental television.

This time was definitely different. I figured out the entire story line for the second book in a matter of hours. I did some mental dialogue and a couple of others things I had to hastily write down between pots and pans but it was so wonderful. I always knew how the second story would begin but not where it would go and certainly not where it would end. Now I do.

*squeals with laughter*

Though, I am concerned about one thing. It’s a book for young adults roughly as far as reading level and content go. This in general is a good thing since I was trying for something less complicated to write than my usual stuff. The thing is though… my two main characters are girls. Now, I know there’s nothing wrong with that but towards the end of the book they’re a little more than just friends and I even have them kiss. This is just how it all works in my mind.

I’m wondering if this will make it difficult for me to find a market or a publisher. I can’t really help the way my story turns out, most of my projects play on gender and sexuality as an obstacle to overcome and I personally think there should be more books out there that welcome that concept with open arms but, alas, I have yet to seem them so it just makes me wonder.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just make one of the main char. a boy but to be honest not only would it greatly effect the story line and look weird if it didn’t- it’s just not how they appear in my imagination. So, I thought about maybe changing the ending and making a couple of small tweaks that would make them nothing more than best friends in the end but the way the story flows it seems that would be very anti climatic and well- empty. It’s like it’s supposed to be there.

It’s not like I have them making out or anything or even going on dates and giving pet names to each other. It’s just a mostly unspoken relationship that works for both chars. Aside from like two- maybe three kisses, some occasional hand holding, small remarks, and the occasional emotion that I allow to surface into the plot you can’t tell- which is alright. It’s not like I wanted to make it obvious and it doesn’t have a large play on the plot though it does present certain motivation in spots. Other than that the most obvious thing is that they are two girls and they kiss in the end.

I don’t know. Feed back is appreciated on this. Even if it does ruin the market I don’t think my heart can change the story. Not like this. It’s just how it’s supposed to be.

Muse of the moment: Bast for showing me it’s alright to tell others when you need loving and that belly rubs really are the best thing for a non ticklish kitty. Also, it’s alright to yowl when you have something to say.

Muahahaha! I’m back. I was sick but this time I did a very smart thing- I rested, and rested, and rested and now I’m almost all better. Not all the way yet so I’ll keep this post short but almost there. My throat was acting up and I was mighty cranky from lack of sleep but that’s a whole different issue meant for a much longer post.

Speaking of posting, sorry I’ve been away again but this time it’s not entirely my fault. On top of being sick and having to go to work something went wonky on my template. Well, to be precise, a lot of things did. It mostly affected myself and my ability to post but a couple of you avid readers (why on earth do you people read this stuff anyway? ) mentioned a couple of issues.

I was very sad to find that I couldn’t fix my template. *sigh* Any of you who have been to my community website should be able to tell that I’m pretty good with code, good enough for a self taught teenager that I’m not even going to pretend to be modest about it- but the code was too far gone. I’m actually amazed it worked in the first place let alone as long as it did. Oh well.

I don’t really like this template. I was hoping for a two column one that felt just right but after going through 18 downloads, countless web sites, and clicking through pages upon page until my glasses could ease the pain in my eyes-… well, you get the point. I didn’t find what I wanted so I’ll use this one for a bit and see if it grows on me and if it doesn’t you’ll know. I’ll try another one.

I still have all my little icons, awards, and other stuff but for the time being I’m leaving it off just because this template doesn’t handle it well. Hence why I seek a pretty two column one. Some changes you might note is that my family of furry children are all here now. I’m still trying to find a better picture of Bast but she knows that the camera makes beeping noises and runs whenever I turn it on let alone point it at her. I even laid out kitty treats!

Also, I’m going to start doing my ‘muse of the moment’ thing again. For those of you who don’t know what this is take a look at ‘My Seven Muses’ the 2nd post on this blog and then just glance at the first few after it. You’ll get the idea. I’m going to do this again because, well, I’m not entirely certain yet.

So,…

My muse of the moment is: Mowgli. He’s laying in my lap right now as I’m typing this. The laptop and him are literally fighting for space in my lap. The laptop and I struggle to keep balance and get what we’re doing done while Mowgli lays across us both with little effort, oblivious to my constant re-maneuvering of him. This reminds me of the Taoist belief of flow. Mowgli is secretly telling me I need to relax and just be. All things will happen in their own time. He’s much happier than I am at the moment as I try to force some work out of myself. He’s telling me I need to rest and be happy. Nothing can move me from my chosen path when I’m happy. So the muse has spoken, so shall it be.

Goodnight.

I just found a new quote to add to my collection, thought I’d share. Enjoy.

“Whoever battles monsters should take care not to become a monster too, for if you stare long enough into the Abyss, the Abyss stares also into you.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, chapter 4, no. 146

I can’t begin to tell what an unbelievably good mood I’m in tonight. I’ve nearly finished rewriting two chapters of one of my stories that I’d taken a break from and I’ve finally narrowed down my list of submitting places for a particular piece to two. I’ve heard of people submitting the same thing to multiple places at once but I just don’t think I can. There’s a chance of complications if I was lucky that both accepted it and the matter of first time publishing rights.

I’m having a small problem figuring one this out though. A lot of places I’ve looked at ask for a short biography, most being specific enough to say a one to two line biography. What the heck should I put in one of those? I know what they are but how does one decide what to write in one? If I had something previously published I might mention that but alas since I haven’t… well, yeah.

On a minor side note that’s just important enough to me that I’ll mention it but just unimportant enough that I don’t care if anyone reads it (yes, I’m feeling rather wordy tonight): I’m thinking of going back through all my old posts and adding labels. Honestly, it’s not really for the sake of navigation it just sounds like something fun and meaningless to do. I’ve been working hard these past few days so I think I should throw something completely useless in there to even things out. :)

Some good news- I’ve only had to use the new inhaler a couple of times and already I’m feeling a lot better. Right now (literally) is the first time in two days I’ve felt the chest pressure and from the way it feels I know it’s only momentary. I haven’t been having all day attacks either, just most of the day ones and even a couple of short ones. I had a super bad one the other day but I had been provoked by stress, smoke, and things smashing around me but that’s a very long story that this writer actually doesn’t feel like sharing.

Speaking of which… you know I feel a like my fingers are ADHD at the moment? In a good way of course, anyway, back to my original corrupted train of thought.

There was a comment today that made me think about something and I’d like to share it with you while hoping she doesn’t mind. :)

Liara Covert wrote: “…Dear Written Whispers,
Just because you do not have a published bestseller, or your name isn’t a household name, doesn’t mean you’re “not a writer”"….

This reminds me of something I wrote a long time ago to a friend of mine and have written quite a few times to myself though as it seems I am bound to forget from time to time that I ‘am’ a writer. What I said went roughly along these lines and I’m sure if I wasn’t so lazy at the moment I could actually find it in my posts:

If someone walks up to you and asks if you are a writer- think about it for a moment. Do you write? Do you love to put words together and create something? Do you feel passion when putting a story together? If the answer is yes to any of those then your total answer is yes. You are a writer.

Some people may say “No, I’m not because I’m not published.” Now I’m going to ask you to think about this. What do we call people who are published? We call them authors, do we not? Is the person asking if you are an author? No. They asked if you are a writer. Big difference.

Writer’s may not always be authors but authors are always writers. We scribe’s of the subtle art sometimes forget that even though we try to make the connection full circle it’s not the authorship that matters. Yes, we do have a monumental desire often to share our work with others, I’m the first to admit it, but it’s the writing that counts.

When we are young (as most of us are when it happens) and we first discover that we enjoy making stories or putting words together till the pretty pictures in our minds come alive we aren’t thinking about the money, the small chance at fame, the idea that our words might be bound in a pretty cover with out name on it and sold in stores. Most of the time when we start out we don’t even know that’s an option we just know how much we love our craft. In those days we have no trouble calling ourselves writers.

Then, alas, we grow up in one form or another, some less than others and when this happens the world closes in around us and we find ourselves needing to make money. We have to have ulterior motives in order to do what we love to do and in the end we forget about when we first began to love doing it.

You get my point by now I’m sure.

Life get’s in the way and I’m sad to say I often forget these not so little things but some part of me always remembers and I do my best to keep telling others my view on this topic. To pass along the reminder that we really are writers in hopes that they too will pass it on and in the end we’ll all gain a little more courage at accepting our titles.

On a sad note: I’m still waiting for my Violin but on a happy note I’ve inspired myself to write a story from a Violin’s point of view. Wish me luck with that, I’m sure it’ll be interesting and I’ll definitely be posting it or part of it up on the private blog.

On a much happier note: Today, no, I take that back. Over the course of five or six months I’ve watched two friends of mine grow closer and closer together. Each confiding in me in subtle and not so subtle ways that they liked one another until finally today they admitted it to one another. I’m very happy for them. :)

It seems like my internet has decided to die this time around. Just as well, I figured I’d spend more time writing since I would have less distractions but at the moment I can’t find a writing prompt I want to work on.That’s alright though. I have a ton of other writing projects I’ve started that I should delve into.

I’m starting to feel really good about my storm story. I haven’t picked a precise title yet and I’m loath to call it Magickal Storms just because that’s what I titled the smaller piece that inspired this. The two aren’t enough alike for me to do that. The boy in the story feels much more mature in the second version and the storm seems to have grown from an internal dance to a full blown dance of nature both within and with out.

I really want to do something with this piece and I know it’ll sting if this one gets rejected, all the same, I feel good enough about it that I’m certain I could pick myself back up and resubmit it. I do have a question for my fellow writers though, just a brief one. How do you keep track of your submissions? Ones your waiting to hear from, ones you have heard from, and all that jazz? I’m thinking of buying some sort of calendar or organizer to keep track of things. I forget so much and remember only the important things- well, important to me. I can remember the middle name of my imaginary friend that I wrote about when I was in fifth grade but can I remember that I have to call the health insurance place tomorrow? Ha! Yeah right.

Briefly I want to thank Just1More and Easy Writer for all there help in the editing process and with their suggestions and helpful notes. I’m so thankful for having writing friends even if the only writers I know are the ones online. I’ve become quite a bit more serious about the craft since I started talking to others who are into the creation of stories and know what I’m talking about when I say "Oh this character this and that character that." Or when I talk about plot issues. ‘Normal’ people don’t have a clue what I’m referring to on any of this let alone what I’m talking about when I go into the passion I feel at writing.

I’m also really thankful for being able to blog. It’s nice to be able to write something and then to let others see and comment on it. It helps me get over some of my fears and gives me a lot of insight into areas I need to work on and places where I’m doing really great. I’m just a very thankful person at the moment.

I showed my Hunny the storm story last night, not the most recent edit but close enough, and I was pleased to discover that he liked it. *jumps for joy* I also showed it to a friend of mine who’s not really into the whole reading this, at least not this kind of reading and she really enjoyed it too which made me really happy. I figure my Hunny will like anything I write though I know he wouldn’t hold back an honest opinion but to ‘see’ someone I know doesn’t like to read that sort of thing devour it in moments and then compliment me when usually they are being nasty- well, let’s just say I’m a very happy Spirit right now.

I’ve taken a break from a story I was making a lot of progress on, a chapter book, and I’m thinking about giving that a go tonight. It’s fast paced and witty and I just feel like I’m in the mood for that kind of thing right now. I also have another story, shorter but still a decent size, that I’m thinking about starting soon but it’s more or less for my own enjoyment than anything else.

Well, I really do have a lot more to say but not on this particular post. I need to go work on something really creative and fast right now before my brain deflates. I’ve gotten too comfy with these writing prompts. Need to spice it up a little.

Edit: Internet is back! Woot!

Today has been much better than yesterday. I spent an hour before work looking at magazines and such to possibly send one of my stories to in the very near future and after work (while I waited for my Hunny to finish his shift) I spent about three or four hours writing in my note books and looking through books about writing. I did this more because the laptop died than out of actual desire but in the end I was more satisfied than if I had spent my time on the net. I wrote a couple of prompts that I might share momentarily and did a writing exercise or two that proved to be unusually fruitful and fun for me. :)

People are used to seeing me walk through the kitchen with a book or three in hand or the laptop case by now. They’re used to seeing me with my huge headphones on just typing away, though usually sitting in a position or place where they couldn’t see what it was I was writing if they tried. They are used to asking me what I’m reading and seeing some of the latest fantasy or vampire novel, but lately-

I’ve gotten brave enough to start bringing my books about writing to work. I had never done this much before because it tends to spawn questions. Lately though, I’ve been pretty brave. A lady at work asked me what I was reading about a week or so ago and I held up "The Writer’s Book of Days" and explained that it was ‘about’ writing as I often have to say that and then I made some comment about me being a little odd because I’m so used to people finding it to be that way. It’s not there are a lot of writer’s up this way let alone significantly literate people in my area.

She told me at once that it wasn’t strange if that’s what I was into and then asked me if I liked to write. I told her I did. We talked for a little longer and then I surprised myself by offering her the link to my blog in case she ever wanted to check out some of my writing. That was the first time this brave new side possessed me and I find myself giving it more control every day.

I’ve started to bring in more tools of the trade every day, letting every one know the work I truly have a heart to do. When I work at home I lay out all my note books within easy reach, a stack of pens, music, books on grammar though they are seldom cracked open, writing prompts, exercises, and advice. I’ve started to lug all this around with me in one form or another. Most importantly I bring my writer’s attitude. The way I carry myself and let myself fall into my own world despite what is going on around me.

Sometimes I feel going into this mode with others around me leaves me vulnerable. Chances are I won’t notice if someone finds a way to look over my shoulder or if someone questions me about something, anything, I’m liable to answer in an overly truthful manner. I’ve always been more honest during my writing than any other time. It could be anything from what I’m working on to my opinion about something and I have a a tendency to be REALLY blunt- well, maybe that’s not the right word. I don’t sidestep what I mean to say. I don’t talk around things while I’m writing like I might to spare the feelings of one any other time. Given, I’m usually pretty honest but most the rest of the time I can see myself falling into habits that all people share such as saying what I don’t mean. If I dislike something I might say it’s alright if I know it will hurt the person. No such social filter exists during my ‘mode’.

Still- despite how open it might leave me and how many questions it might provoke I’m very pleased with this other side of me that’s coming out. I’m not sure if I have something consciously to do with this. To be honest it’s doubtful but whatever inside of me has decided it doesn’t care what people ask and the fact that I’ll  answer honestly seems to know what it’s doing. Let’s hope it sticks around.

Side note: I’ve noticed this facet appearing in some of my usually meeker characters as well as if we are maturing and developing together. Strange.

I’ve been rewriting and expanding one of my writing prompts, it’s a piece I’m oddly proud of. :) I’ve added a bunch to the beginning, a new concept in the middle, and well- two different endings. I’ve taken the base idea and turned it into what might be considered a short story.

I have one more quick edit before I’m ready to post it but before I do I’m having a bit of a dilemma. The two different endings. The first is very close to the original ending of the prompt. It was fitting for the prompt because the character therein was a boy. In my mind’s eye when I saw him- I saw him as more of a child in heart and body. The second ending is completely different though just as awesome as far as I’m concerned -but- it’s deeper, more mature and more fitting for what I’ve done to the prompt. My character is still a boy in body but his heart seems a little older since I gave him purpose. The second is definitely more fitting but I’m hesitant to use it.

The first one is almost sentimental because I used it for the first prompt but as my prompt has grown so has the character and to end it so simply would feel wrong- or incomplete somehow. I’m not sure. I’d love some suggestions but at the same time I’m reluctant to post either of the two ending up here, especially since I plan on posting it to my private blog. Also, I really don’t want to write two different versions. I’m not entirely sure why though. It might be because when I write something it becomes a story of my mind for me to replay when I’m bored.

I think after writing this I’m going to post my newer ending. Since I’ve answered my own question I’m unsure if I should even post it but since I took the time to write it and I found it helpful I can see no harm. :)

Just a little something to get myself out of work mode and into writing work mode.

If you haven’t read ‘An Update On Life’ then don’t bother reading this. It’s just another tiny update on a situation. No insight, no pictures painted in flowery words. Just stuff. :)

For those of you wondering about the situation- the one in my most recent post, with the co worker who was mad at me for things I didn’t say, I wanted to let you know it all worked out. She didn’t confront me about it like I was hoping but I know her. She likes to set things build under pressure and then surprise me a month or so down the line by being angry at what seems a random thing.

So I confronter her. I waited till the end of her night and asks if she was angry at me for anything. She said no but the way she said it and the feel of her aura gave me reason to double check. I mentioned that I’d heard about the situation and asked if that’s what she was told. She had. I proceeded to tell her my side of things very calmly as she is an easily angered person under a lot of stress at the moment.

It turns out her boyfriend and her are having some severe communication difficulties (nearly her words, I didn’t say this though it is my opinion, and by nearly I mean I shortened what she said) and he has said a lot of her girl friends are saying this but in truth it’s her ex saying these things. He doesn’t want to look bad by saying he got into an argument with the ex but at the same time, and understandably so, he can’t help but say something to her.

I was so relieved to find out she wasn’t angry with me. I proceeded to tell her that I had mentioned the pregnancy tests and what he’d said to me about the birth control, quickly backing up and telling her I didn’t want to know if it was true or not to prevent a tangent (which still happened) even though I did want to know. I told her that this is what I thought he may have misconstrued as what I’d been accused of saying and that’s why I believed she was angry at me.

We spent the next half and hour talking. Me giving her relationship and post foster care advice and her telling me all the things she was worried about and confiding in me about several things. I really do wish her the best. Given, she’s not the best of people in my opinion, but she’s going through quite a bit right now and I’m glad that I plucked up the courage in the end to confront her otherwise she might not have had anyone to tell these things to and that would have been a real shame.

It occurs to me that with all the writing prompts, pictures, awards, excerpts, and other writing related awesomeness I’ve neglected to do any journal writing for awhile now. No, it’s not really because I’ve been busy but more or less because all I have been doing non stop is write lately. I mean- I get up, eat, pet the cats, and use the restroom now and then but my mind is completely taken over by words- no. I take that back. Words are occupying my mind but stories, scenes, and characters. It seems a whole other world has taken up residence in my skull and I thank them, but that’s enough about my mentality. Onto life.

Yesterday my Hunny brought me flowers. Pink Roses and some Lily like looking kind of things that I couldn’t name for the life of me. He spoils me. The other day he bought me some of my favorite music and today we went and picked up this MP3 player I’ve had my eye on since we have the money at the moment. I don’t need any of this stuff and he knows it but he likes to give me things. I would love him even if he never bought me a single thing. He could pick a Dandelion out of the neighbors yard and I would still coo and aw over the same way I do an arm load of Roses.

He’s helping me with my education and he’s given me all the tools I need to fallow my dream as a writer, I just need to take the last steps. He’s given me a home and a family, both extended (the in laws) and close (the cats). He’s given me love and healed my soul. He’s given me someone to share my happy, sad, and mad moments with and imparted a wisdom only he seems privy to upon me. What I would do without him I dare not imagine for fear of what I would see. I love my Hunny.

Work still sucks. I still love the work but the job… well it could be worse too I suppose. My biggest thing is the drama issue going on right now. I’ve never been very good at fallowing the antics of other girls my age but when it comes down to he said she said and talking behind peoples backs I want nothing to do with it. I’ll give my opinion and state the truth as I know it but should someone take my words and try to turn them on me then we have a problem. There is an issue and I want nothing to do with it, in fact by all rights I don’t have anything to do with it but people keep putting me in the middle and then calling me a liar- I hate that the most. Only I can call me a liar and get away with it.

I have recently been accused of telling a girl’s boyfriend that she’s only with him because she wants to get pregnant and have a baby. I’m sorry but even if it was true I don’t think I could ever say that to someone’s other half. Not only is it not my place but there’s no way to prove the motives of another person. It’s all speculation. Now, given I personally "believe" that might be the case I’m not so careless with my tongue that I would say that let alone forget having said it. The boyfriend who claims to be worried about her but is always saying just as bad of things about her as she is of him (of course I don’t repeat this because they both do it and it’s not my place) said that she’d been flushing her birth control down the toilet. I was upset because she had asked me to pick up some pregnancy tests for her and mentioned as much. I believe I was well within my right to express my dislike of the situation but if her surmised the same thing I did that’s his thing. I did not say what I was thinking.

I work with her tomorrow. She has major anger issues and is more manipulative than my biological mother though a little more obvious in what she does. If it get’s out of hand I’m thinking about telling someone. Pray for me. I’ll need it as I’m not usually one to shake things up unless I feel a real wrong has been done. True, I might get treated like crap but I ‘could’ deal with it and not say anything. The only wrong being done is in the fact that I shouldn’t have to.

That aside I’m a happy camper. Minor bugs on my site had me down but in the end it turned out to be a good excuse to bond with my brother who I asked to hack my site and show me where I need to update my security. Lol, why wait till it happens to see what you need to do when you can have it happen in a controlled manner and fix the problem before real damage is done. :) I’m proud to say that at the moment I have 72 members, 30 are decently active.

Health is good. I’m still having breathing issues but I have my own inhaler now which should help things out a lot I just hope it doesn’t taste like purple like the other two did. Now, I know you might think of grape when I said ‘it tasted like purple’ but that’s not what I mean. It taste like purple finger paint. Don’t ask.

I slept about an hour and a half last night, more than likely because I didn’t write. I’m hoping since my multi posting days have returned I’ll be able to nick that problem quickly. This is my second post tonight and after that I’m going to work on a brilliant, well I think it is, new version of Musical Muses and Magickal Storms. The next version will most likely go on my private blog because I find myself wanting to do something with it. I’m not sure what but I just have this feeling that I really could make it something good.

Blessed be all. May the force be with you. *wink*