Dark Eye, Bright Eye, & Blind

This post is hereby dedicated to Preetilata (who has unknowingly inspired me on more than one occasion now) and Just1More (who recently ‘stumbled’ upon me and helped me see things from a different pov). Thankies to you both.

As most of you out there know I’ve been kind of down lately, what you didn’t know is that I was more than just down. I’ve been having a lot of trouble dealing with certain stressors, past and present issues, as well as a particular ailment that tends to sneak up at the worst times. All this on top of the regular unforeseen health issues and a dear friend of mine moving.

I has been very difficult. *sigh* When I was much younger, say as young as 6 or 7 I was a self abuser. It’s not something I learned or had heard about it’s just something I would do during times of stress. Mostly as a self punishment kind of thing.

Before I continue I’d like to ease your worries. I haven’t done anything along these lines for mayhaps over two years.

To continue… Sometimes I would do it many times a week sometimes I would go months without doing it but it was always a part of my life. The more I look at it the more I realize that I had done it a lot more than I realized…. anyway back on track….

Like I said I haven’t done it for mayhaps over two years and I’m proud of that. The last bout of ‘SI’ I went through I scared myself into telling my therapist and requesting to be put on medication. I was in my last foster home at the time and let’s just say there was an extreme stressor and I’m pretty sure that’s the only time I ever considered taking my own life and escaping. Self abuse was never like that for me before.

That was the worst time. About two or three months later I ‘got out’ of foster care through ‘my own’ legal ingenuity and quite the pills cold turkey. I have an issue with pills so this wasn’t as hard as it sounds minus a few mood swings. Shortly after I left I moved in with my now fiance’ and quite the ‘SI’ (self injury) cold turkey.

It was easy at first. It’s not like I think about it all the time, only when I’m having those moments. In the past two years I’ve only had three bouts of the wanting to do it but I haven’t. This past time was the worst because so much was going on. So- I made sure there was nothing in my purse that could harm me at work and I kept myself busy when I was home alone. The self destructor in my still hasn’t told my Hunny that I was going through one of these bouts but he knows about my ailment and knows to pick out the warning signs.

I’m proud to say I’ve made it through this one without even digging my extremely long nails into my arms or hands either on purpose or accident. I haven’t even tried to claw myself (I know it sounds grotesque to think one would do these things but it’s part of the sickness). As I look back on this pride of mine I can smile a little. So what if I have weaknesses and they are holding me back in other areas of my life such as my job and such. I can’t control those, there is nothing I can do about my crooked back and hip, my build, my lacking social skills or any of that. There’s not a single thing I can do.

But-

This one thing in my life, this addiction, this sickness that has plagued me my entire life is under my control. This weakness that has more power over me than any of that is within my grasp. Barley, I mean it is still there just under the skin always within my reach and on the fringes of my mind but it’s something I can fight and so far we are at a stalemate. I haven’t won but I haven’t lost either and that’s what matters.

Now this is the part that those two wonderful bloggers inspired. I meant to write this in the first place but the rest just kind of spilled out of me. But like an artist seeing a new portrait in spilt paint I too shall leave my unplanned words because I see the meaning in them.

This whole experience HAS taught me something after all. At first I didn’t think the whole job issue (see utterly heartbroken post) would teach me a single thing except that my weaknesses really could hold me back but I have learned one thing and oddly enough I’ve been reminded of a philosophy so ingrained in my mind that I’m shocked I over looked it.

I have two theories that I have held my entire life and they have kept me going in the worst of times: There is no light without darkness and no darkness without light. Nothing is finite, all things must have a chaotic balance and a perfect imperfection. The other is that one must walk through the darkness to truly be able to see the light and vice versa.

The first one applies to the fact that like all things this too shall pass and I will move on. Though it seems so bad right now there are good things going on around me I just need to squint to see them.

The second is more prominent to the purpose of this post. Last new year I spent at work, it was an awful night and everything went wrong but I was smiling like an idiot all the same thinking about all the things I had to be happy for. This year I spent it in the same place under the same conditions but I was frowning and dare I say bitching at everything and everyone because everything sucked!

Now that I look back I realize something. If it weren’t for the bad things I wouldn’t really truly be able to appreciate the good things in my life. Without having people point out my weaknesses and scorn me for them I would not have had this opportunity to see some of my strengths and feel pride over them. I have lost nothing and gained nothing from this experience as far as good things and bad things are concerned.

I have only learned that I must remember to look at things with both a dark and a bright eye for not to I might as well be blind for all I’m concerned.

Thank you both for making me think. I have so much to think about now I think I can finally get back to being me and forget about the things that break my heart and hold me back.

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