Written Whispers

I’m not sure what I am at the moment. I’d like to say I’m feeling depressed still over the whole work thing but I’m just not certain. I am still upset but the name for some of these particular emotions eludes me. I’ve noticed a change in myself at work and I’m not sure I like it. Given all change is scary, even good changes and I am one of those people more frightened by changes than most but it’s more or less the type of change I’m seeing that I don’t like.

When I first started working there it was a move out of desperation. In the foster home day in and day out- I needed a way to get out of the house and be around other people especially adults. Being suddenly thrust into a house with six other teenage girls hadn’t proven healthy for me, I’ve just never been able to get along with those in my own age group very long in the first place. Being forced to room with them, being forced to hide my spiritual beliefs and practices, being told that those I love didn’t love me, and being subjected to a lifestyle I had thought too unique to happen to me more than once a lifetime… Like I said I needed to get out of the house really, really badly.

So, when I started to work there I was really happy. I didn’t care about my paychecks. I never got to keep much of the money anyway and often mailed it out to safe places right after cashing them. My only incentive was that I was getting out of the house. Then when I got out of foster care and started to live with my Hunny I didn’t really have that need anymore. In fact the first few months we were living together I called in sick more times than you can imagine just to spend more time at home.

Eventually I got restless and was fully back at work but now it was just so I would have something to do during the day. My paychecks still weren’t and have never been incentive for me to work. I just liked working before but now…

Well, after what they’ve done and with the knowledge that they won’t ever let me work in any department other than dishwashing… to top it off I’m often training newbies who make more than I do (I said the money wasn’t incentive I never said it didn’t matter). I’ve noticed I haven’t been working as hard these past few days. I feel like I have an attitude problem though no one else has said anything yet. When I work I feel angry and resentful at some of the smallest things that I’ve always dealt with without complaint before. How no one has time to say thank you or how the cooks put their pans in the wrong spot leading others to get burned or dishes to break in an area of my responsibility. I get ruffled at the slightest comment about my ability to lift things and I’ve found that I’m starting to take short cuts in my work that I would never let my newbies take before (given I know they do when I’m not around and it doesn’t hurt much but it doesn’t ensure the quality of the job).

It just seems like I’m not caring as much as I should. All my life people have called me lazy or told me I’m not good enough so when it comes to a job I tend to push myself pretty far to get it done right. I like to go above and beyond. I don’t complain I just get it done. That’s how I am so you can see why these changes have me worried. I don’t like being like this. It’s not normal for me and they aren’t good changes.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m in online education so for the mean time I can’t really get another job, it’s not like I live in an area abundant with employment opportunities anyway and to be honest I don’t think I have any skills.

I’m feeling very useless right now. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am weak, maybe I don’t have skills. I know I want to work hard, I want to be good at what I do or at least be good enough to be needed. I want to know how I feel about this whole situation. I want to have my ambition to get my school stuff done, I want to have ambition to get my job done even if I don’t like it. I want to like working again.

So, for now all I can do is write. I’m feeling lost and what’s worse is I kind of want to feel angry about all this. My mind says anger achieves nothing and the way I feel like acting out at work is immature but I just can’t help it. The rest of me wants to sulk, pout, scream, and shout. Oh, spirits I pray for guidance.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 25th, 2007 at 8:57 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.