Utterly Heartbroken
December 22nd, 2007
*sigh* Today was actually a very good day. I went back to work after a nice week and a half off. I was happy, see, I may not like my job too much but I really do love to work. I like to do things and be useful and I like being the one people turn to when they need something. I’m a dishwasher of sorts at a resort. I’ve been there for three years and though the position is miniscule I am a big help. Even chef comes to me when they’re looking for something or need someone to run errands. I can fix any of the machines and often train the newbies or work with them their first days.
I’ve been there for three years now. I started when I was 16, it was a great way to get out of the foster home and make some money at the same time. It’s not a job I should be doing to say the least. I’m a very tiny person with several bone problems primarily in my right hip and along my spine. I get very self conscious when people see me stand or walk and just happen to notice. Because of these problems I can’t life a whole lot and I really shouldn’t be lifting entirely as much as I am able. It often makes me feel bad that the other workers have to pick up my slack and I try to push myself harder but it only seems to make things worse.
Last summer, well, maybe midsummer I started working in another position in the same department. The idea was less lifting and getting out of the dish room now and then. I was helping to manage the buffet. I cut (and served) prime rib and refilled pans. I took it very seriously and prided myself and being polite to people, even the drunks who came up and hit on me *shudders at a not so fond memory involving the words ‘brisket’, ‘dream’, and myself*. I loved it. For the past year I was starting to feel less needed in my old position, useless, especially since there was much I couldn’t do.
Well, being a seasonal resort, when summer ended and just before snowfall we stopped having the buffet. Just for a little while. I was ensured that it would be back shortly after snowfall and that I would be working again. In the mean time I did dishwashing like I was in between buffets. It was normal. About 6 weeks ago though my name was no longer on the other schedule. My Hunny (who works at the same place but a way different department) mentioned it first, he often double checks for me when I have to work. I went through and I saw it but I just passed it off as us not having buffet for awhile, the other workers of the same position also did mornings and mornings still had buffet so I assumed that’s why they still appeared. You know, saving printer ink.
I went in tonight and I had to pass through the main restaurant for my uniform and then go to other one to work. There was a buffet. No one told me and I still wasn’t on the schedule, trust me, I actually wore my glasses to check. Still, I didn’t think anything of it. I was needed at the other restaurant, surely, I would be back as of next weeks schedule.
The night went on and I actually had fun working with someone I wasn’t entirely fond of. It was a good night full of hard work and I even helped to make egg rolls. :P We got everything done and didn’t even have to soak anything over night, I was quite pleased with myself and double proud of my newbie who’d shaped up this last month of so and worked hard despite having a bit of a fever. I made sure to tell her as much.
At the end of the night I sat in the waiting area and read out by the fire like usual until my Hunny was done with his shift and we started to head home. This is when my heart broke and don’t worry it’s not how it sounds at first.
My Hunny pulled off to the side, we weren’t yet out of the resort, in fact I don’t think we’d left my restaurant yet. He pulled over and told me he had a talk with my boss… My Hunny had been worried from the start and finally after seeing for himself that we had a buffet he asked my boss what was up and if I was going to be on next weeks staff.
Apparently the decision had been made a long time ago and sadly no one had the heart to tell me but they decided not to let me do it again this season. "It was a lifting issue". Apparently I just can’t carry enough even though there’s less lifting in this new job. I actually cried. I’m sure this sounds stupid but I’ve been crying for a couple of hours now. I loved working out there and I took pride in it. They should have told me. I should have been angry that they didn’t but I wasn’t. I was, and still might be a little, angry at myself.
My Hunny tried to comfort me. He told me it wasn’t my fault but honestly I think I would feel better if it was my fault. Then I would have a better reason to feel bad, then I could have some control over it, then it really would be just what I want it to be. I want it to be my fault so I can blame someone. How horrid is that?!
A lot of people knew about the decision, a lot of them had the chance. Good goddess knows I’d been hinting and kind of asking. I’m not the brave type, heh.
This really probly will seem stupid. I shouldn’t get so upset but I am. I love working and I loved that job because it was something I could do and now they’re telling me I can’t because I’m unable to. To be honest I felt perfectly capable at the time.
I feel horrible. On top of it all I have other workers in the same department, whom I’ve never actually worked with before, say right behind me in hearing range that I’m a bad worker and I don’t work hard. I’m happier to just be called lazy. I know I’m that but I do work hard for others. I don’t complain about my job at work, a little at home and a lot about the newbies but still! Maybe it’s for the best. I’m so depressed right now. I’ve been depressed for the passed few days anyway’s, it’s seasonal and part of ‘my issues’ but adding this to it… I’m not sure what to say except that I feel utterly heartbroken and sad. I’ve never been at such a loss for fancy words and heart felt metaphors.
My Hunny was actually contemplating not telling me till after Christmas, bless his heart for telling me then instead of later. On the way home he stopped at a as station and bought me six things of ice cream, each in my favorite Ben & Jerries flavors and two stuffed animals. He’s such a dear for cheering me up. I smile for him but I still feel horrible. If only it had been for another reason. If only it had been something I’d done wrong but not. It had to be because I can’t lift as much as anyone else. I myself only weigh like 98 pounds if I’m lucky and remember to eat five times a day, sex if I’m sick.
I feel like cursing and kicking myself and then falling to the floor and bawling again. I really wish it was my fault.
((((Spirit))))
Thankies. I’m still pretty upset about it.
i can understand your upset, and your desire for it to be something you could work on to change. but these things are what they are, and everything holds something to help us learn a little more about our self. it’s easier said than done, but i’d contemplate it for a while to try and find something i could learn, but then let it go. holding on to these things rarely helps the head or heart.
Indeed, indeed. I’m almost over the depressed part of this issue. It still gets me and I’m afraid I haven’t yet learned anything from this experience other than the fact that some of my limitations really do hold me back but never fear! I’m me which means I’m too darn stuborn to give up this easily. I’ll be back on me feet in no time I promise.