Contented Fear
December 3rd, 2007
I am so utterly content it scares me. Literally.
This morning I was the first to wake. Even the cats (all seven of them) were still asleep and the whole house was silent. When first I opened my eyes I didn’t move. In fact I think I went back to sleep for awhile, but when I did finally wake up I just laid there for a bit.
I didn’t have anything that needed to be done immediately. No appointments, calls to make, or things to do. Sure, there were things I could have done, but I didn’t. I just laid there and let the peace and stillness of the house wash over me. I looked around at all my furry children and my fiance, all breathing deeply in the ancient rhythm of sleep. I couldn’t help but to smile. I love them all so very much but as I watch them I can’t help but worry.
Right now my life is going better than it ever has. I love being alive, despite the day to day problems everything around me is good. I am a happy person even when I complain because I just can’t help it.
I like cleaning my house because it is my home. I like to sit in the stillness because it is mine to enjoy. I like to watch my loved ones breathing, ensuring me that they are still alive, because they are my family.
But I must keep firmly in mind that not all good things last. If ever I were to let my guard down or think for a moment that nothing bad can happen- it will. It has before in fact, the last time I felt such happiness.
I constantly worry that the moment I let the good into my core it’ll all be swept away again and I’m not so certain I won’t break this time. Last time was almost too much. True, I survived but just by the skin of my teeth and nothing more. I know I suffer from random bouts of paranoia but I just can’t help it sometimes. I know I can’t wish for them to live forever, or for accidents to never happen, but I can wish for happiness and enjoy the time I have. It’s letting go of fear that’s the hard part.
In the mean time though I am still content. Even with fear, paranoia, and being constantly on edge praying I can ward off the worst- I enjoy life. I love and I am loved. For that simple thing I desire nothing more. Life, love, and happiness.
I close my eyes and go back to sleep.
Be strong. It always gets bettrer.
If you have a happy spirit, and you do, that joy will find a way to light your world even in the dark. Stay strong.
Thankies to both of you. I’ll keep on chugging.
ha, i love your icons.
Yes chug on!
Spirit, I know where you’re coming from. I also have times like you have. It comes from past hurts and tends to sneak up on a person. You are a loving, caring, open person, and I beleive you’ll become a great inspirational writer because of your willingness to share your thoughts. You’ll become stronger and more content than ever, and you’ve already begun your journey.
Hugs, JJ
Jamesksouth: Thanks and welcome to my blog! I like to collect those kinds of things.
Casdok: I deffinetly will. I’m too stobborn to give up at this rate. Thanks for visiting my blog.
Nature Nut: Thankies for your kind words. You’re right that it comes from the past. I keeping expecting bad things to happen again. I’ll keep on sharring my thoughts, not only for myself but I hope they will help others as well. ;)
Blessed be all.
Your words do help others, spirit. You’re very insightful and lovely to know.
Hugs, JJ