Contented Fear

I am so utterly content it scares me. Literally.

This morning I was the first to wake. Even the cats (all seven of them) were still asleep and the whole house was silent. When first I opened my eyes I didn’t move. In fact I think I went back to sleep for awhile, but when I did finally wake up I just laid there for a bit.

I didn’t have anything that needed to be done immediately. No appointments, calls to make, or things to do. Sure, there were things I could have done, but I didn’t. I just laid there and let the peace and stillness of the house wash over me. I looked around at all my furry children and my fiance, all breathing deeply in the ancient rhythm of sleep. I couldn’t help but to smile. I love them all so very much but as I watch them I can’t help but worry.

Right now my life is going better than it ever has. I love being alive, despite the day to day problems everything around me is good. I am a happy person even when I complain because I just can’t help it.

I like cleaning my house because it is my home. I like to sit in the stillness because it is mine to enjoy. I like to watch my loved ones breathing, ensuring me that they are still alive, because they are my family.

But I must keep firmly in mind that not all good things last. If ever I were to let my guard down or think for a moment that nothing bad can happen- it will. It has before in fact, the last time I felt such happiness.

I constantly worry that the moment I let the good into my core it’ll all be swept away again and I’m not so certain I won’t break this time. Last time was almost too much. True, I survived but just by the skin of my teeth and nothing more. I know I suffer from random bouts of paranoia but I just can’t help it sometimes. I know I can’t wish for them to live forever, or for accidents to never happen, but I can wish for happiness and enjoy the time I have. It’s letting go of fear that’s the hard part.

In the mean time though I am still content. Even with fear, paranoia, and being constantly on edge praying I can ward off the worst- I enjoy life. I love and I am loved. For that simple thing I desire nothing more. Life, love, and happiness.

I close my eyes and go back to sleep.

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