Archive for October, 2007
Oct
Just Daily Crap
My head hurts. I think I’ve been tensing my jaw up again. I do that a lot when I write, work on my site, or in general think too hard. The last two I’ve been doing quite a bit lately. It feels like I’m trying to hold my head together at the sides and then I get the particularly sharp pain right above my left eyebrow, so intense that I actually have to close my eyes. I discovered that last part at work yesterday. Not a good thing.
Yesterday I had to dish wash. It’s a crappy job but I still love it because I’m good at it. I make people smile as I work and I get called upon the most because I’m a good worker. Sadly though, last night was a banquet of 300 and I couldn’t keep up. I’m usually renown for being one of the few to never leave work with my job unfinished but last night I left so much crap in the sink it was shameful. *sigh*
I have a doctors apt. the day after tomorrow. Mind you I haven’t seen a Doctor unless it was an emergency since I live in foster care. In fact I don’t even have health insurance. MiChild won’t cover me because I’m 18, CHAP won’t cover me till I’m 19, and Medicare or Medicaid (whatever) won’t cover me because they say I’m still in foster care- which makes no sense at all. Not only am I currently too old, and have been out since before I was old enough, but seriously what difference does it make? They are cutting health care for too many foster children in Michigan. It’s ridiculous. I could write a whole rant on that but I feel my jaw tensing up again so I won’t. Part of me always wants to fight for the rights of foster children but each time I try to do what little I can it turns out to not be such a good idea for me. Oh, well, mayhaps someday.
I haven’t achieved any writing lately but I have been doing a lot of plotting, planning, and imagining so I’m currently satisfied with that. Most just been working on my website.
I’m completely revamping Spirit’s Home. It’ll still look the same but with many updated and upgraded scripts. Bugs shall be squashed and new features exploited. A grand opening indeed. I even figured out how to transfer all 70 some of my members over without too much crap- besides the fact that it will result in a major password reset- manually done by myself.
On the upside. New forum- woo hoo. And many new sections. Going to add something about living green, the writers nook is coming back, a whole section for gender and sexuality as that has become a big thing on the site. I never knew it till I thought about it but my site is composed of 30% transgender. This isn’t bad at all, my site is ‘for a different kind of spirit’ as the motto goes and I want people of all types to have a place where they can be themselves so, I thought why not. They should get their own section too! I downsized the Otherkin section. A lot of people seem to think that’s what the site is all about but it’s not- it even got to the point that some members were telling friends it was an Otherkin only site which it is not by far! I’ve also made the Alternative Beliefs and Spiritual Wellness (neither associated with religion) more noticeable on the site so they should get more oomph.
Well, enough about that now.
My sister called the other day. She’s not my biological sister, she’s younger than me, too young in fact to be married as she recently become. Right after her 18th birthday with a guy so sweet he doesn’t care when she’s shallow, lies, or fights him. I’m happy for her but I still don’t think she’s mentally old enough. Anyways, my whole adoptive family hasn’t seemed to be connecting with me lately. I feel like an inconvenience so I stopped calling. The have my number,…
…but they never call.
Sissy called the other day. We spoke for 5 minutes and that was that. For the first time it didn’t seem like she wanted something (there was an underlying hint but either the call didn’t go on long enough or I was trying not to notice). It was nice to hear from her but it just makes me sad.
People I loved so much, who I thought rescued me out of the goodness of their hearts during a time in my life when I knew nothing- just used me. Even after they did I stayed loyal but it didn’t matter. Now I’m like a housefly that keeps flying at your face and never goes away. So, I stopped that. I waited. It was their turn. My calls had become fewer and farther between over time and then they just stopped. My emails don’t get answered so I stopped writing them. My myspace comments never seem to get noticed or replied so I stopped wasting time.
I don’t even know what I’m ranting about anymore. I still love them. They did give me the greatest gift of all- freedom, conscious thought, will, the power to make decisions, the knowledge that I was indeed alive! But they still led me wrong in the end. They and myself are only humans so I can forgive this but I have trouble forgiving being invisible. I know people are busy but it’s not like I was there all the time, hell I live 2 hours away.
I was the only one making an effort though so I have stopped. If they want me they know where to find me.
I think the decongestants have kicked in. Mayhaps I’ll delete this post after I publish it. I’m just ranting and complaining about everything and I can’t seem to type properly. Mayhaps, though, I need this little release. After all the tense jaw is a sign of stress and I have been very mindful lately about things, … especially after a dream I had…. but I’ll save that for another post.
Sorry to anyone who read this. It is dreadful and I’m still thinking about deleting it.
Oct
Earth
I feel good today. Part of me wants to get up, blare some music, and go dance randomly in the middle of the living room singing nonsense. I would too if hunny weren’t sleeping.
It’s a strange feeling the universe. All that energy all connected yet presented in different forms, to feel it you merely need to acknowledge it. There is beauty in the vibrations of the solar system, theologians of old called them the song of the spheres. A great wave of tiny movements and vibrations between energy and matter that coexist in all things keeping our known world together.
Stars burn distantly in the night sky. Many already burnt up before their light even reaches our eyes like the memory of a deceased love one. Going on even after, their light reaching out for us merely to delight our humanity.
We breath and our breath, CO2, becomes the breath of trees and their breath comes ours again as Oxygen. Beautiful symphony, working in harmony. Our of all the things we humans have manages to screw up we still breath into the trees and they still breath into us. Universal laws overcome all man made things in the end.
When what we call the world- civilization, law, government, and our way of life, has ended and many things lay in ruins the earth will still go on. If we set off the nukes (or get hit by an asteroid) and everyone dies either as a result of the explosion or the latter radiation the earth will still be there. She will eventually heal herself and some bit of bacteria in a pool of murky water may yet start human life over again to repeat the same mistakes.
If the earth freezes or floods from us destroying the atmosphere or global warming- yes, we will die but the earth will continue on. Either as a block of ice or consistent ocean front property she will survive and refresh herself. With no humans things may eventually even back out and alas ‘civilization’ may yet begin again in the murky pool.
No matter what we do the earth will still be here in one form or another. We are merely parasites she allows to live here. Some people say the earth can take care of it’s self. They’re right. She can, but in the end if we do nothing it will be us who die. Our race, our world. If you care nothing for yourselves than do nothing. If you care nothing for the earth fine, she doesn’t need you obviously.
If you do care for both yourself and the earth than do something. Don’t wait for the government to do it. We are all people. We all live here, and we can all die here if we don’t act. Politicians are people just like us, abet richer and more privileged. We have to take action too. We can just sit around and wait for them. Mother earth certainly won’t wait for us.
Oct
Letting Go
Some very catchy lyrics to a song I’m addicted to at the moment: “…. letting go, worries, and fears, troubles, and sorrows …. letting go, love is all you need for tomorrow….” Letting Go by UltraMax on download.com . Just thought I’d share them.
I feel empowered right now. Happiness surges through me for what some may say is no apparent reason but if you could only see this world from the windows of my soul you’d know that yes, it is apparent.
I’m letting go of my past. Each day I spend less time wallowing in memories of old. Less time imagining that bad things are going to happen and that suddenly my happiness will be shattered and everything in my life will be ripped away like so many times before.
I am me. I am no longer the person I used to be. I am someone I can live with, someone I can stand, someone I can be proud to be. I only want to be me and envy no other living soul.
I am thankful. I have so much to be thankful for. Despite everything that happened in my life I survived- even when I didn’t want to. I made it through even when I gave up little things a part of me kept going forward. During the roughest time of my life I had friends by my side, people I will call family though we share no blood. I am fairly healthy and living a life I wouldn’t trade for anything in the universe.
I am loved. Between seven furry children and a wonderful fiance’ I don’t think I could be loved anymore than I am now. I am the universes child and s/he loves me too just like each and everyone of her children. Just knowing I am loved is like wrapping up in a warm blanket to keep out the cold. It sustains me.
I am empowered. I live in the present. I am me. I am thankful. I am loved.
And I am letting go.
