Written Whispers

This post has nothing to do with writing. It’s just one long rant about various things. I might still delete it. Read only if you dare.

My head hurts. I think I’ve been tensing my jaw up again. I do that a lot when I write, work on my site, or in general think too hard. The last two I’ve been doing quite a bit lately. It feels like I’m trying to hold my head together at the sides and then I get the particularly sharp pain right above my left eyebrow, so intense that I actually have to close my eyes. I discovered that last part at work yesterday. Not a good thing.

Yesterday I had to dish wash. It’s a crappy job but I still love it because I’m good at it. I make people smile as I work and I get called upon the most because I’m a good worker. Sadly though, last night was a banquet of 300 and I couldn’t keep up. I’m usually renown for being one of the few to never leave work with my job unfinished but last night I left so much crap in the sink it was shameful. *sigh*

I have a doctors apt. the day after tomorrow. Mind you I haven’t seen a Doctor unless it was an emergency since I live in foster care. In fact I don’t even have health insurance. MiChild won’t cover me because I’m 18, CHAP won’t cover me till I’m 19, and Medicare or Medicaid (whatever) won’t cover me because they say I’m still in foster care- which makes no sense at all. Not only am I currently too old, and have been out since before I was old enough, but seriously what difference does it make? They are cutting health care for too many foster children in Michigan. It’s ridiculous. I could write a whole rant on that but I feel my jaw tensing up again so I won’t. Part of me always wants to fight for the rights of foster children but each time I try to do what little I can it turns out to not be such a good idea for me. Oh, well, mayhaps someday.

I haven’t achieved any writing lately but I have been doing a lot of plotting, planning, and imagining so I’m currently satisfied with that. Most just been working on my website.

I’m completely revamping Spirit’s Home. It’ll still look the same but with many updated and upgraded scripts. Bugs shall be squashed and new features exploited. A grand opening indeed. I even figured out how to transfer all 70 some of my members over without too much crap- besides the fact that it will result in a major password reset- manually done by myself.

On the upside. New forum- woo hoo. And many new sections. Going to add something about living green, the writers nook is coming back, a whole section for gender and sexuality as that has become a big thing on the site. I never knew it till I thought about it but my site is composed of 30% transgender. This isn’t bad at all, my site is ‘for a different kind of spirit’ as the motto goes and I want people of all types to have a place where they can be themselves so, I thought why not. They should get their own section too! I downsized the Otherkin section. A lot of people seem to think that’s what the site is all about but it’s not- it even got to the point that some members were telling friends it was an Otherkin only site which it is not by far! I’ve also made the Alternative Beliefs and Spiritual Wellness (neither associated with religion) more noticeable on the site so they should get more oomph.

Well, enough about that now.

My sister called the other day. She’s not my biological sister, she’s younger than me, too young in fact to be married as she recently become. Right after her 18th birthday with a guy so sweet he doesn’t care when she’s shallow, lies, or fights him. I’m happy for her but I still don’t think she’s mentally old enough. Anyways, my whole adoptive family hasn’t seemed to be connecting with me lately. I feel like an inconvenience so I stopped calling. The have my number,…

…but they never call.

Sissy called the other day. We spoke for 5 minutes and that was that. For the first time it didn’t seem like she wanted something (there was an underlying hint but either the call didn’t go on long enough or I was trying not to notice). It was nice to hear from her but it just makes me sad.
People I loved so much, who I thought rescued me out of the goodness of their hearts during a time in my life when I knew nothing- just used me. Even after they did I stayed loyal but it didn’t matter. Now I’m like a housefly that keeps flying at your face and never goes away. So, I stopped that. I waited. It was their turn. My calls had become fewer and farther between over time and then they just stopped. My emails don’t get answered so I stopped writing them. My myspace comments never seem to get noticed or replied so I stopped wasting time.

I don’t even know what I’m ranting about anymore. I still love them. They did give me the greatest gift of all- freedom, conscious thought, will, the power to make decisions, the knowledge that I was indeed alive! But they still led me wrong in the end. They and myself are only humans so I can forgive this but I have trouble forgiving being invisible. I know people are busy but it’s not like I was there all the time, hell I live 2 hours away.

I was the only one making an effort though so I have stopped. If they want me they know where to find me.

I think the decongestants have kicked in. Mayhaps I’ll delete this post after I publish it. I’m just ranting and complaining about everything and I can’t seem to type properly. Mayhaps, though, I need this little release. After all the tense jaw is a sign of stress and I have been very mindful lately about things, … especially after a dream I had…. but I’ll save that for another post.

Sorry to anyone who read this. It is dreadful and I’m still thinking about deleting it.