Written Whispers

Archive for September, 2007

Break Time

September 28th, 2007

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Today was not a good writing day. It was a great day just not a good writing day. I went to the movies with my hunny and hung out in Borders for a couple of hours. Found a nice book on faeries (I love faeries) and bought it, even read a few magazines while I waited for him to get out of class. A very nice relaxing day.

I came home and read for maybe four hours- complete bliss and a wonderful book too! My little kitten, Gabe, even came up a napped with me. A rare treat as he seems to be going through that teenage phase and thinks he’s too big for Mommy to cuddle him.

Then I finally put the book down and popped open the laptop. Lo and behold I wrote a whole 29 words in one hour. I’m quite frustrated. It’s not that I don’t have things to write about or don’t know where I’m going it’s just that it doesn’t seem to want to flow today. So, I’m taking a break. Maybe I’ll go post on PW for awhile and write a few more disgruntled blog posts and that’ll get the juiced flowing. If not… heck, I’ll just pick up my book and start reading again. Suppose it is a nice day for a break. An unexpected day off from work where my hunny takes me out and my cat child thinks he’s little again- that has to be a sign. The universe’s way of telling me ‘Hey, take a load off! Break time!’. So, for once I think I’ll listen as it seems I can’t even type properly today.

Peace.

I Did It!

September 24th, 2007

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Here’s thanks to Easy writer. I took your advice and just dove in. Thank you.

Well, last night after I unplugged every possible distraction, and eventually messenger, I got down to business and pulled a nice piece of writing out of my mind. The best part is- I’m actually proud of it. Most of the time when I write I’m still fearful that it’s not good enough or often that I’m writing about the wrong thing but last night was different. It’s only a small piece, no more than 400 words long but never in my life have I been able to write something so close to my heart so fluidly.

It is quite ‘prosy‘ as my friend Branth puts it but for now it’s just a prologue so I’m not too worried about it. I wish I had a proof reader- someone who was a fellow writer who could look at my stuff now and then and tell me what they think. Spelling and grammar aside, it’s the flow that’s most important to me but sometimes it’s difficult seeing the big picture. If I reread my stuff I’m tempted to make little and needless changes all over the place. Fortunately I was in my right mind this morning and forced myself not to make a single change and just show my friend the rough version. I’m glad I did.

My Two Addictions

September 24th, 2007

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I’m addicted to distraction. It’s like a bad drug that I can’t put down because it feels good but like all drugs the high is only relative. I want to write, I can feel the creative juices pent up inside of me waiting to be released. It’s like when a druggie realizes they miss what’s real in life and what matters to them.

I keep watching television, I hate Tv, nothing is on, but instead of turning it off I just keep flipping through the channels. I have music on my laptop but instead of just clicking play and letting it be I have to search the net for many thousands of other songs to listen to for free and repeat the process every five minutes or so. Or I’ll stop and check my email. I only have like eight of them for goodness sakes they don’t ALL need to be checked ten times daily. The only one that matters to me is the one for my site and I only need to check that like three times a day to make sure progress is going as it should. The rest are just spam buffers. Or worse, when I do find a spare moment I come over here and post in this damn blog that no one reads!

All these distractions. Writing is meaningful to me, I don’t like television, I have music, email is well- just email. I can disconnect from the Internet or turn the Tv off at any point in time but do I do it? No. Instead I just complain mentally or agonize over the fact that I have so much creativity running through me right now and I’m too lazy to take out the distractions and put it to good use.

Writing is my other addiction. It’s my drug, but it’s not a bad drug. It’s more like a prescription. Whatever my soul is made out of says: “Hey, you NEED to do this otherwise bad stuff happens!” I can experiment with this drug safely, change the elements and compounds, tweak the recipe, and I can even sell it on the street corner if I was brave enough but either way you look at it- it’s still writing and I still need it. Seriously, I just can’t stop stressing that I wouldn’t do anything to stop the distraction, that I was too lazy for my passion.

Well, the rehab starts here!

I have turned the Tv off, put the kettle on, and as soon as I’m happy with this post I’m going to unplug my Internet and move out of reach from the cord (I might just leave yahoo messenger on a little longer though.). The house is silent, my hunny is sleeping, my cell phone is off, it’s six in the morning so no one will be coming over. I’m tired and nearly ready for bed but I don’t care. I need to write at least something before I go to bed. I can’t be so lazy that I put the idiot box before the well being of myself in mind, body, and spirit.

Ice

September 24th, 2007

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I’ve been so inspired the past few days and you know what I’ve gotten done? Absolutely nothing. How sad is that? It’s like it’s all sitting there, everything. An entire universe of my creation, waiting behind a clear sheet of ice that’s smack dab in the center of my brain.

I can see the story, feel it, breath it, and be it but it can’t seem to get beyond that point. From mind to paper, or in this case keyboard, is proving to be an impossible trek tonight.

I also feel very un-grammatical today. I need a good kick in the bum.

Goals

September 24th, 2007

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I’m still a little shy about my writing and also a little bit afraid that I may be losing some of that spark. For further details read my post “Perfectly Legit Fear”, anyways, so, I’ve decided to set myself a couple of goals to force myself to get over it.

I will write at least 1000 words in any one of my major outlines daily. – This is a pretty easy goal for me. I can do double that if I wanted to but with my second goal in mind, well…

I will write at least 500 words in any one of my major stories daily. – This is a little harder. I’m so nervous about my writing. Usually it’s in spurts. I’ll write like 5000 in one day and then not come back for awhile but I’ll still be working on it in my head or in outline form, skipping from one area to another. I still get something done but not as fast nor as well as I know I’m capable of.

I know I can do this. I have nothing to be afraid of if I’m the only one seeing it and by the time I’m finished it won’t matter whether I’m over my fear or not because I’ll be darned if I go through all that work and then not publish it. ;) I blow raspberries to fear!!!

Just A Tangent

September 23rd, 2007

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I’ve just woken up, it’s my day off, and I’m already all revved up to write. Not sure which story I want to work on, probably Nmd. since it’s still fresh in my mind and I don’t think I’ll be able to outline it very well. I think I’ll just start in the middle of the story and work my way forward, flashing back and ‘remembering’ when needed.

For a long time I’ve wanted to write something like this, so close to my soul yet far at the same time. There’s so much hurt and pain in the world and maybe I can’t change that- one person alone has so much potential but in the end they are still bound by their minds. I know no other way I can do my part than to write it down. Use the craft of creation through the process of warping words to suit my vision. Who knows maybe what I write will motivate someone else, someone who will know what to do, who will help the world change in a bigger way than I can.

I wish people really did understand how many children are out there waiting for good homes to go to for warmth and shelter, and with hope in their hearts, maybe family. Sometimes a ‘good’ home just isn’t enough. Family is what makes a home. They had trouble understanding that in my very last foster home. I hated it there though it was one of the better ones. It was just a house where a bunch of strangers lived under the rule and instruction of two people. We watched their family and some of us saw our own. I wanted no part in it. They were not our family.

I don’t classify family as a biology just so you know. I have some biological family out there but I don’t know them. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to. I’ve only recently met my brothers and I do love them. They are the only family I think I really truly know at this point though I’ve started to meet others. They are more like acquaintances. My family is made from friends and other people who’ve gotten to know me and who I feel connected with. People who in the end make a mutual decision to love one another in a family manner are family. There was no love where I was living otherwise it would have so much better. It was just there job to look after us and nothing more.

Look at me, I’ve begun to ramble. This story hits so close to home. Wish me strength as I write it please. I’ll need it.

Getting Darker

September 23rd, 2007

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I’ve been struck in the head by an idea! I’m still working on my book BD- it’s a slow process at this point but I expect it to pick up soon and I’m toying with an idea for another book, mayhaps shorter, that I’ll just call RAC for short. Basically, I just created a character and title that I really like and no storyline to attach them to. So, I’m working on it.

Anyways, this idea I’m working on- let’s call it Nmd. for short. I only came up with it about an hour an a half ago but already I have all my characters and their pasts set. Since characters make plot that’s quite a bit as far as I’m concerned. :)

I don’t want to say too much but it’s about three young girls. A foster child, a throw-away, and a runaway who band together and go to the safest place they’ve ever known; the streets. As I look at it from a distance I can see a large part of myself taken to extremes in each and every one of them. It worries me a little. A lot of what I’m going to be writing is from either first hand experience or real life knowledge about what has happened to others who were in a similar situation. It’ll be dark and depression with some happy moments thrown in but overall very real and possibly hardcore.

It’ll still be fiction but quite a bit darker than my usual stuff and considering the fact that I generally write fantasy or scifi type stuff… well, yeah… this is a wee bit different. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you know I’ve been a little concerned about my style of writing changing. It’s not the change that frightens me, in fact I view it as an adventure in it’s self. What worries me is that my style or ideas for scenes and stories are getting darker. I still have my happy endings for the most part but I’m putting my characters through a lot more hell and adding quite a bit more violence in some areas. Do I have some weird fascination with pain and suffering that’s starting to surface? Or am I just a naturally morbid person who’s been slightly repressed? Both? This does worry me. I’m not sure why, but it does and that’s all I really have to say on the matter.

I like to see the hero suffer and the good guys struggle. It makes it all more worth while in the end but the fascination goes further than that when I’m writing. Hmm, perhaps I’m looking into it too far. I’m too philosophical for my own good and my mind is so deep I’m constantly on the verge of falling over the edge and sinking into the vast abyss.

Nothing

September 23rd, 2007

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I wonder how young the youngest author of a full fledged book was?
I wonder how old?
I wonder who published the most books in there life time?
I wonder how many?
I wonder how many stories a writer works on on average (in their heads)?

It seems like my head is always filled with questions. Some are good questions and some are just silly but each and every one of them matter to me for one reason or another.

This post isn’t really about anything important. I suppose I’m just bored but lacking creativity at the moment. I’m stuck at work till Hunny gets finished. That’s really the only bad thing about working at the same place, two different shifts. He has to come to work hours early just to drop me off while I have to wait several hours later just to go home, but it’s all good sometimes it’s nice to do nothing. Just sit and practice the art of forced meditation.

In fact in a moment I will have absolutely nothing to do as the battery on my beloved laptop in near death. Alas- if I die of boredom I bid you all farewell. *waves dramatically*

La, la, la!

September 20th, 2007

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In about ten minutes here I’m off to work. Wish me a happy day. I’m going to be rummaging over my story BD all day in my head just like I did yesterday. I really shouldn’t write just before work, once I get the brain going it’s almost impossible to stop it- not that I have any desire to anyways. Except at night though. It seems I’m not the only writer who has trouble sleeping after writing, the mind just goes, and goes, and goes.

Well, I’m off. Peace and love to all. God/dess(e/s) bless!

Work In Progress

September 20th, 2007

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This is a poem I’ve been going back and forth to for some while now. It’s nothing much the idea came from my daily mantra. Someday I will be an accomplished writer. Yet at the same time saying- I am a writer (at least in my spirit.)

PLEASE NO STEALING
I work hard to pour a little piece of my soul out and onto the keyboard. It is very difficult for me at times and if you steal from me you will be stealing a part of me, a puzzle piece that won’t fit back in the box once it’s let loose. If you would like though I am happy to loan the residue of my soul out provided my biological name accompanies it. I am also very willing to do personal works for others upon request just for the fun of it. So, see- you don’t need to steal from me.

The Writer
___________

I am a writer-
my breath pours forth
from pen paper and prose.

I am a writer-
words fall from my breast
like wine from the most holy chalice,
ever flowing never ebbing
the tide of my soul.

I am a writer-
a vortex of of creation
swirls within my mind,
bringing life to what never was
though when written will forever be.

I am a writer-
my heart beats twice
for every word that spills forth
onto the parchment of my mind.

I am a writer-
my style, language, and flow,
are the way I walk, talk, and think,
It is what I am.

I am a writer.
____________

Not sure I like the ending. Like I said I’m still working on it. My poetry is usually more emotional than this so…. yeah. Trying out new things. Some teens experiment with drugs I experiment with different kinds of writer and I still get that same kind of high. It’s almost as addictive too!

All Of It

September 20th, 2007

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One cannot truly experience the light until they have truly experienced the darkness.

If we were happy all the time that happiness would mean nothing. We would take it for granted and never know it for what it is. You must have the sadness and anger and grief to compare it to, in order to see what it really is.

We know nothing without knowing it’s complete and total opposite. Paradox is balance. Peace is chaos. Imbalance is perfection and perfection imbalance. This is my belief.

Ramblings

September 20th, 2007

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I’m in a pretty good mood today. Just took the cat for a walk, Kitten- he’s the only one who goes outside and even then it has to be on a leash. He brought me a dead fat cricket. I feel loved. :) Sunshine is good even when summer is almost over. I love how the turning wheel feels when change is in the air. It’s almost magickal. I take that back, it is magickal.

Someday I’m going to be an accomplished writer. This is my mantra and I say it daily. There are so many things I want to be in life, many in fact that I worry I may never succeed in. I’m none of those people who moves from task to task like a hummingbird and has about the same kind of attention span but the only thing that has remained constant in my life is writing. I’ve always written. I am a writer, in my soul and I try to bring my soul outwards with every step I take in this world. Sometimes I am scorned for it but I don’t care. I’ve been burned many times over for my beliefs, my morals, my actions, and my very being.

Something in me feels like a rebel today. I haven’t felt that feeling in quite some time. Like nothing can hold me back or push me down. I know things are bad at times and lots of life really does suck but it could always be worse. Out of all the bad that has happened I am constantly reminded of all the good that has accompanied it.

Muse of the moment: Kitten. Just because I love him.

Kind Of Depressed

September 20th, 2007

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Just got home. I’m kind of tired, kind of hungry, and in a semi odd mood. In short I don’t know if I’m upset or not. I need more hours in order for work to cover me for health insurance. I should already make plenty but it seems every time I ask the amount of time I need on the clock goes up. I’m loath to have to work mornings. It’ll ruin my whole sleeping schedule, school schedule, and what little time I do get to spend with my hunny whom it seems I’m seeing less and less of every week between him going to college and work. I am not a happy camper. Working mornings will also seriously cut into my writing time.

Sadly, if I need to do it- I will do it. Weekly nose bleeds that last way too long, poor immune system, back and bone issues, a new shoe lift, dental: the list goes on. Oh, well, I’ll live. That is the point of health insurance after all. I just wish I didn’t have to hear about it right when I get home. I’d like to get my hugs in first maybe something to eat but no, life isn’t candy coated like that.

I could really use some cheering up right now. I’ve been getting really depressed or easily upset by the simplest of things lately. I have a history of depression among other things and it seems when winter comes on it takes effect even more so than usual. I’ve tried the whole meds things several times before but I seem to do better without. Journaling will probably help and writing on certain emotionally related genres could help me work through things, mayhaps when I do get insurance I’ll look into therapy again. Sometimes it’s good to have someone completely unrelated look a situation, they have an unattached perspective that you may never be able to use.

Waking Up

September 19th, 2007

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Just woke up. I only have an hour before work and I know that if I start working on my serious writing now and get into it I’ll be distracted and possibly ornery all day because I can’t work on it so I’ll just make a blog post instead. It’s almost like my morning cup of coffee, except no one will let me drink coffee and it’s 3:30 in the afternoon. In the end all that matters is it gets my brain juices flowing.

I’ve started to notice that the more and more I’m getting into writing again the more in touch with myself I’m becoming. That’s actually quite important to me. I lost so much of myself that last time I went into foster care and it’s not like I’d found much to lose but it was enough. When you wake up one day to the realization that everything in your like was a lie, finally able to see that your mother has been a schizophrenic drunk most of your life, and that morally and legally speaking you’ve been quite neglected- well, let’s just say it has a way of waking one up. Literally.

When I look back I can’t remember thinking as much as I do now. I really was just a hollow shell, so much potential as a person but a person I was not. When I started waking up and the gears in my mind started grinding away I became a whole new person. It’s a little sad too, in the end I had to leave my mother. I went to live with some friends and had the best year of my life but I still feel bad. It’s still something that had to be done though, for the good of both of us. Anyways, enough talk on that. I don’t want to start depressing myself now. I’m in a good mood.

Someday I’m going to be a writer. I keep reminding myself of this. It doesn’t matter if I’m well known or a best seller I just want to get all my stories out of my brain on onto the paper. :) In a way I’m already a writer just not an accomplished one yet.

Well, this has been my cup ‘o coffee. I think I’ll go buzz around the net for a little bit and then it’s off to work. Bleh.

Changing Scenes

September 19th, 2007

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I’ve decided that it would be best to switch to large sections of one of my stories. That means a lot of rewriting. I’m not even sure I should do it but it just feels right. I think the plot line will make much more sense if I can feel it out this way, it will give one of my characters more time to ‘warm up’ to the other. In the same swoop it’ll make more sense time line wise.

Wish me luck. I don’t even know why I made a post out of this. Figure I must be getting some frustration out or preparing myself for the long bit of work ahead.

I wonder if there was a particular God/dess of writing that the scribes of ancient civilizations used to pray to. Hmm. Food for thought indeed.

Wonderment

September 19th, 2007

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I’ve recently found out that it might be a bit too late to submit my one short story. *sigh* it makes me a little sad. At first I was thinking I’d just write it anyways and submit it, who knows maybe they would agree to post it next season (it’s an autumn related story, was trying to work with their theme) but now I’m beginning to think maybe I should spend my time on other pursuits.

I’d really like to write a short story and I did already finish the plot/story outline for this one but I want to write something that I can do something with. Am I just being weird? Letting those old fears get a hold on me again? I hope not. I think I’ll try to find another short story to work on but not let this current one slip out of sight just yet.

Style Or Something Else

September 19th, 2007

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It seems that everything I write lately or attempt to write as it may be is not my ‘usual’ style. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really truly knew what my style was in the first place.

I have a theory. I’ve been writing ever since I could read, and I’ve been making stories in my mind since, well, all my life. When I was in fifth grade I wrote a short story that might well be termed as extremely violent for a child my age. Mind you, the way I’ve grown up I’m a little more mature than I should be. Well, I was proud of myself and showed it off at school like every other happy fifth grader and ended up in the school counselors office. My mother didn’t care much but everyone else treated it as if there was something seriously wrong with me. It was taken away and disposed of. Since then I was very careful about what I wrote. Romance, language, violence, have all been toned down throughout the years. I can make the scenes in my mind but I wouldn’t type them up, thus they were not part of the plot and the story lacked and major possibly offensive thing I feared to get in trouble for.

Nowadays, I’m a bit older and no longer bound by the rules of society. Well, I am still though I try not to be but you know what I mean. I’ve lived without parents for several years now though I’m only 18 and I’ve been out of public school for two years. It doesn’t matter if someone finds something I’ve typed up and it has a little bit of this or that in it and I’m beginning to think my trained mind has just realized it.

The story I’ve recently (two months tops) started to get into writing has quite a bit of blood in it and violence though those two are rarely connected (< it’s complicated), and more romance than I’m generally comfortable talking about. It’s almost a relief to be able to allow myself to plan out a story that has these things as key plot elements. It’s not the usual fluffy ‘morally’ bound stuff that I restrict myself to.

My theory: My thoughts and feelings have been so restricted throughout the basis of my life that I am only just beginning to know where I stand and what style fits me. Perhaps someday I’ll write a horror story or a romance novel. I have doubt on both of those but who knows in the end? Violence and romance are key parts of everyday life. To take them out of writing is just foolish.

Pathes

September 19th, 2007

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I’m still in school. Online school to be precise. Going to school at my own pace works for me in a fashion that I might have never been able to achieve in a public high school. I had trouble concentrating and extensive anxiety around peers my own age. I’ve always been like that and don’t get me wrong, I have a good bit of intellect hidden in the cobwebs of my mind, but I would not have good grades to speak of if it weren’t for online education. I never did my homework and I moved around too much, to top it off I was really unorganized, hence the loss of what little work I did do.

With every exam I take I find myself getting close to that finale moment. I can hardly wait till I’m done though I know it won’t be the end. I’ve always planned on going to college even though it wasn’t even a distinct possibility till just recently in my life. Now that I can actually see myself finishing high school, though later than I should, I’ve begun to think about what I’d like to do with my life.

Everyone asks you at this point in life; what do you want to be? Or what do you want to go to college for? Each and every single person has so much potential, how can one even think to ask such stupid questions?! Better question: How can one be stupid enough to narrow their lives down to one single field?! True each field has nearly infinite possibilities but no one knows what direction they are going to go. How can I possibly answer question like that?

I digress and move back to my point. I think I may have finally figured out a general direction to move in. There are so many things I’d like to do in life but I know I really would like a job that had something to do with writing. I don’t necessarily enjoy paperwork but every job is going to have that, anyways- I think I would like to teach creative writing. I love creative writing, if that point isn’t obvious by now you must not have been paying attention, and I love to talk about writing, to discuss it in depth. I still need to do a bit more research on what it would be like to see if I might even remotely enjoy the job but who knows. A path never traveled is like a whole world unexplored to me. Then again this is just what I’d like to do as a base. My main job as sadly we must all have something that makes the money though I’ve heard teaching doesn’t pay well it would still permit me time to write and pursue other fields.

Aside from the main I’d like to have a job revolving something metaphysical. A spiritual therapist of sorts, which means pursuing a course in psychology. I already known I enjoy that topic almost as much as writing. I like to help people and I like anything on a metaphysical/spiritual/living energy based level. I’ve always been like that but I know for a fact not many people make money in that territory. I wouldn’t exactly want to do it for the money, it’s just what I’m interested in, but sadly the world revolves around cash in one form or another. If this great sphere rolled on kindness, the poor would be rich and the rich would be poor and I’d be a happy camper.

Muse of the moment: :( None. Sadly all the kitties are amiss, off in litter land. Makes sense though, I’ve had so many interruptions throughout this post. I’m not even sure if it’s coherent at this point though I hope it is.

Perfectly Legit Fear

September 19th, 2007

1

Okay. My outline for that short story is done and my outline for BD is well under way now to get seriously into writing. It’s the best part, almost orgasmic to one as easily pleased as I but… one problem. I’m almost afraid I won’t be good enough, like I’ve lost something.

See about a two years back I wrote all the time. I didn’t bother with what I would have deemed ‘that outline crap’, nope not me. I wrote the stuff from start to finish. Mind you, nowadays I’m better at planning my plots and having things make sense but I’ve done very little of that straight out writing. The stuff that makes books, the stuff that matters the most. Then I went back into foster care and I’m sad to say it but it only took a year and a half to break my spirit, my new found self, and when that happened I slowly stopped writing. I was not permitted to express myself spiritually and though they could never take what’s inside me away- expression is like breathing. You take all that is around you in the world and sift through till you find your particular brand of oxygen and take it within yourself. Eventually what is within must come out in order for flow to continue, in and out, in and out. Expression must eventually take place. Thus I would be punished in an assortment of ways though I’m certain it was not looked upon that way and I almost don’t blame them for doing what they thought was right, only for what they knew was cruel.

Anyways, so I shut down. I stopped writing all together because I couldn’t. It hurt. For example, if you are trying to hold your breath and you let just a little escape it’s almost impossible to keep from letting the rest out. Or if you are a dying man in a desert, to come across a single piece of chocolate like a diamond in the rough. You eat it and then find yourself starving even more than before, tortured almost. I was like that and so I could not write. Escaping into my world of fantasy became a forbidden fruit that I willing forbade for the sake of my survival. I had to do it. In the end I took up journaling. It was less creative and every entry sounded suicidal. I took that journal with me everywhere. It was my only relief and I write everything in it, guarding it with my life- with good reason.

Back to the point. I’ve been out now for a year. One blissful, dream come true, I thank goddess I’m alive kind of year. I’ve gotten back into writing even more so than before since then but I’m still afraid that I’ve lost a certain special spark. I know I can do this though, it’s just hard making myself. Like diving in the ocean when you know you haven’t swam in 50 years. That’s a bad analogy for me as I can’t swim but whatever.

I was going to call this post ‘Unreasonable Fears’ but after writing it I’m pretty sure I have a perfectly respectable and legitimate reason for being afraid that I may have lost some talent so I’ll call it something else. Whatever the case may be, even if I have lost some of my flow- I’ve learned so much. How to better plot, make my characters more in depth, take breaks to eat and sleep between writing periods, and how to find my narrators voice. Heck, my spelling has even improved though if I can help it you’ll never know how bad it truly is. Goddess bless spell check on blogger. Really an ingenious idea.

Muse of the moment: Kitten. He’s all tuckered out from playing fetch with little sponge ball like toys. I don’t know if cats can see in color but he seems particularly fond of the pink one. Right now he’s sleeping on my Hunny, all stretched out and using his paws for a pillow.

Too Many Projects?

September 18th, 2007

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I wonder if I have too many projects going on at once. It seems like I’ve gotten so many good ideas lately and I know it’s difficult for me to follow through on a regular basis as it is. Writing is one of the few things I find that motivates me but I’m still one of those kinds of people who have trouble finishing what they start and moving from one thing to another like a humming bird. The only thing that seems constant is writing its self. I often worry that if I do get my book The SC finished I’ll be given a deadline to get the rest of the series out or I’ll upset the few readers I may get by taking too long to finish the next or even- and mind you this is my biggest fear in life- that I will take so long to write The SC series that I’ll die before it’s finished. I know I’m only 18 but goodness it seems like so much in my head. I’m not a published writer yet and I’ve yet to succeed in that field of life though I’m writing other things as well but I really do think it’s a legit fear. It’s my all time goal to get that series out of my brain and on paper.

Anyways, enough about what I fear and onto why I think I have too many projects. I’ve put SC on the back burner for now because I realize I’m still learning and feeling out my style and since I want to remain consistent through that book I should put it off to the side for now and see where the pen takes me. I’ve started on this story I’ll call BD for now, it’s absolutely wonderful. I’m not even sure where it came from, not my usual stuff indeed. It’s more violent and less magickal but I’ve got an excellent plot none the less I believe. That should be a full sized book. Then I have a short story I’m working on in hopes to try my hand at magazine submissions. I’ve finished the outline but so far I haven’t started on the actual writing process though the plot seems valid enough. I’m also working on a semi non-fiction book. Not sure which way it’s going to go yet but I’d like to write something on my experiences as a child growing up in the situations that I did. It will more than likely be non fiction I think but I want to change the names and remain as unattached as possible from it. To top it all off I have a vampire story of all things floating through my mind, a mini sub-series related to SC, and half a dozen other half baked ideas that I just can’t seem to let go of.

There are just so many great things going on in my head. Well, I think they’re great and it feels so good when I’m putting them down on paper. I know that some of these things like the half bakes and SC aren’t immediate at the moment and there’s no rush on anything right now but I still wonder if this is too much. Is this what a normal aspiring writer goes through or do they just focus on one idea at a time? Or even, are they like me but they somehow make themselves focus on one at a time? Not sure I could do that, I’d be afraid of losing the good ideas.

*sigh* I know I’ll figure it out and that everyone has their own style and their own set of things that work out for them. Guess I’m still finding my way but it’s confusing and a long hard process. I have school and two jobs, a wonderful fiance’, and a thankfully limited social life to attend to all at the same time but in the end writing is my breath. I can’t live without it, making it in the writing world is survival, either I make it or I don’t. If I make it then cool beans but if I don’t I can’t give up. Writing is one of the few things I’m good at, like really, really good at. Even if my spelling stinks and my grammar could use some serious improvement I know this is what I’m meant to do. Wish me luck and clarity all. Goddess bless.

Studies

September 17th, 2007

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Yay! I got a 90% on my online exam! I was betting that I’d get an 80% but the extra 10 was a happy bonus indeed. The exam was on the different parts of speech. I really am very into it and love anything and everything to do with words but knowing the difference between an interjection, demonstrative adjective, or a conjunction… nouns, verbs, pronouns, helping verbs…. well, I just can’t keep them all straight in my head. It just doesn’t work. I know they’re good for me to learn and all but I don’t have to like them.

Well, I suppose I should go do some more.

Finished!

September 15th, 2007

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Oh, I feel wonderful right now. I’ve never written a short story before and I haven’t done so yet but I did just finish the outline for mine. It’s over a thousand words which isn’t bad, usually a thousand is quick work for me but planning a whole story into a short one, well, that’s not easy for me. I’m very proud of myself and Bass is too. I can’t believe I did it and it’s a good story too. I did my research where it was needed planned out some excellent symbolism if I do say so myself and am hoping I made enough notes here and there that by the time I’m finished writing it I should have some very nice vivid imagery, colors, and I’m hoping it will have a good emotional response. I think it will but alas as a beginning writer my success will depend more on what others think more so than myself. Someday mayhaps I’ll be a known writer, at least slightly so that it won’t matter what I write so long as I like it and I wrote it but until then I just have to work at it and that’s half the fun of it after all. It may not seem like it at times but it is.

Muse of the moment: Bast my beloved. She gave me all the love an encouragement and forced breaks I needed to get my outline done. Thank you sweety. Many butt scratches tonight for you.

Short Stories

September 15th, 2007

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I’m writing my first “short” story. You can’t possibly conceive how great an accomplishment this is for me. I’m used to writing long complicated things but since I’m planning on making more magazine submissions and each has their own word limit for obvious reasons… well, you see my point.

Since poetry isn’t my forte’ and I naturally feel more comfortable with fictional story telling it only makes sense I should pick the rout of short stories. I’m not sure I know enough about any one thing to write actual articles but mayhaps I’ll get to that point eventually.

I’ve decided to write something that will probably go into a Pagan/Wiccan magazine. The story is about a girl finding her way back to the Goddess. Not a religious story but a seasonal one. With autumn coming up it’s a great time, where one can see the Wheel of the Year in action more so than ever and it’s always felt so magickal to me no matter how much I dislike the cold. :)
The girl is sent by her elders to spend two days and a night in the woods. They had asked her what autumn means to her and she hadn’t been able to answer. She only agrees to go because now she is worried that she has lost touch with the Goddess. I’ll go through all three stages of the mother and include the triple Goddess as well I think.

I’ve always thought I couldn’t write short stories, but working through what’s hard for us may make everything else easier. I guess I just needed the proper inspiration. My inspiration being the feeling of autumn in the air. I know I’ve lost touch with the Goddess here and there and I wish I could say she inspired me but to do so would be a lie. Maybe in writing this I’ll bring her back into my main’ish line of sight again. I know she is always with me and within me and will never leave me but knowing and acknowledge feel like two different things.

Well, wish me luck all. In the writing I mean. If it doesn’t get accepted I won’t die, maybe internally but only if they send a nasty rejection letter and then only for a couple of weeks. The writing of this will be much more difficult, I hate work limits. Thank gods I have a word counter. I remember having to do that in school. Icky. I used to write each individual number over each individual word. It annoyed my 7th grade English teacher beyond compare, she always left notes telling me not to do it but I continued. For one it wasn’t harming anything, the numbers were light and small and in pencil. And second, I saw it as a way of helping her. :D The evilness of I.

Muse of the moment: Isis. She has this thing about pawing papa cat’s (Mowgli’s) tummy and kneading it. Then he turns around and smacks her. She comes back over and over again because she loves him very much though you can see her cringe each and every time she does this. It’s like telling me not to give up even though the end result may not be so great.

On Blogging

September 15th, 2007

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Why do people do this? It’s a little late for me to ask this since I’ve already become quite addicted in the past day. It’s just like journaling to me and it give me an excuse to write when I have nothing important to write about. Is it the thrill of feedback from actual live people? Pouring your heart out about random things to strangers and not having to deal with them?

Better question.

Why do people read blogs? Okay, now I know I’ve read one or two recently. One from a writer and another from a new foster mom. Two things that are important and meaningful to me to one reason or another. But what provokes people to read about other random peoples personal lives? It’s one thing to write about it but what is it that interests people in a retelling of mundane events? Not all of them are mundane and several are quite interesting but… hmm. I forgot why I was asking the question because I may have answered it without an answer if that makes sense.

Muse of the moment: Ed. He’s now sitting beside me- nope. Just left as I typed that out. Guess I’m without a muse for the moment.

Confidence: My First Magazine Submission

September 15th, 2007

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Whoo hoo! I just made my first submission to a magazine. It’s a poem and I know poetry isn’t my strong point. I also know this particular magazine (SageWoman) receives tons of poetry and with limited space it’s very unlikely mine will be chosen. It’s not the best and I’d just written it and it didn’t have enough emotion in it for me to feel satisfied. But then again I’m a perfectionist at times (example: starting a sentence with ‘but’ is not proper grammar but I don’t care. I’m not that bad at least.).

I’m just happy I did it. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of confidence if the paragraph above is anything to go by. If I didn’t like the feel of writing so much I probably wouldn’t have stuck with it through the years. I just love writing, it’s my very breath but it can be hard when you often worry that your aren’t good enough. I know I am a good, possibly an excellent, writer of sorts but knowing in your head and heart aren’t always enough. When I was younger I didn’t have a lot of encouragement. I wasn’t discouraged either unless you count one incident.

I will keep working on this and if I have my way, which I will, I will make tons more magazine submissions in my free time between blogging and serious writing. Who knows, the first time something of my gets accepted my be the kick in the pants I need.

Random Memories Of Pogs & Long Lost Brothers

September 15th, 2007

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Pogs. Who remembers pogs? Honestly? I was just sitting here on the couch (was like halfway through the previous post) when it suddenly hit me. Not provoked from the Tv or something I was reading or anything really. I just suddenly remembered when I was like 7 that I used to collect pogs. Little round things that are or were generally made out of cardboard with tv characters and such on them and they came with in a plastic tube. I remember I used to love ‘slammers’, I think they’re called. They’re metallic slightly thicker versions of pogs that are shiny with an iridescent tone to them. I think you slammed the slammers on another persons pogs and one them somehow.

It’s strange some of the random things we remember. I wonder why our sub-conscious brings these things to the front or if there even is a purpose? When I think about pogs though I get other memories. Something that’s a bit rare for me during that part of my life. I have huge memory blanks from my childhood that stem from neglect and mild abuse and though I don’t really want to know everything- I thought at one time that I did -I don’t. But I cherish some of these simple memories. The ones about ‘normal’ things.

Thinking about pogs makes me think about my brothers. I remember that my first slammer had belonged to one of them. I fell in love with the small shinny object instantly and started collecting more. It’s sad though, if I remember right the only reason I had the slammer was because I used to spend so much time in their room after they were gone, foster care, and all their belongings left behind.

I remember I used to go down there, their room was the entire basement, even though I don’t think I was supposed to. I’d turn on the old black radio and listen to music in Spanish and static or I’d turn on the old Tv and watch Gargoyles the cartoon. I stayed in there a lot after they were gone though I don’t remember why. It’s strange remembering things after the fact. As I look back I wonder if I even knew then.

I believe I can answer one of my previous questions though. Why my sub-conscious brought this memory forward. I’m 18 now and I finally have contact with both of my brothers again. It’s almost like first contact honestly as I was so little when last we were all together. They don’t talk to each other but we all managed to find each other around the same time. Merely months ago in fact. I know I really missed them when I was younger till I moved back in with my ‘mother’, those were long years or hollow thoughts but when I moved out of her house and into my friends suddenly they were all I ever wanted. I cried quite a bit a missed them fiercely. I’m still getting used to the fact that I have found them and that I have actual biological family. Maybe this random memory is my brains way of helping me cope. It’s interesting.

Muse of the moment: Still Ed in the same spot, and Kitten up in the cat tower tearing feathers out of an old toy.

Raining

September 15th, 2007

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It’s raining outside. Seems fitting for this day today. I’ve been fairly sick the past few days. I took the day before yesterday off but then went to work the next day. Stupid. I shouldn’t have. One more day of rest and I might have been fine but as one will learn briefly after meeting me- I am rather stubborn. The night started out okay. I felt tired and just really didn’t want to be there but I made it through the night. By the time I went home though my voice was nearly gone. Went to work today and got sent home. Can’t carve prime if I can’t talk to guests and I can’t carry food if I’m coughing. Actually can’t do either if I’m coughing.

So, my voice is gone and that’s that. It’s weird though. Every time I wanted to say something, I thought it out in my head first and I kept thinking that my voice was fine for the moment merely because I could say it in my head. It wasn’t of course and I earned the nick name squeaky before being sent home. :) I just think it’s so strange though. How in my mind I can sound so crisp and clear and outwardly be so raspy and beraly intelligible. I mean I understand it of course, the brain and vocal cords are too separate things obviously but… hmm, it’s difficult for me to explain I suppose.

I wonder what it would be like to be a deaf person. Born deaf and having never heard human speech or any other sound before. What would it sound like in their heads? Is ‘sound like’ the wrong way to word it. After all I’m not sure we’re actually hearing our thoughts. But if we don’t hear them and we don’t feel them… heh … we think them I guess. Thinking is such a strange sensation. What would it be like if you were born a mute? Or knew no language? Do we really think in words or is that merely how some of our minds translate it? Again I wonder how the brain translates thought for those without words? Too many questions. I’m too philosophical and deep for my age I think.

Muse of the moment: Ed. He’s guarding a lime green towl that I’ve lazily allowed to drape on the back of the couch. He’s claimed that as his napping spot for the past few days. Yes, I’m that lazy.

My Seven Muses

September 14th, 2007

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“In Greek mythology, the Muses are a sisterhood of goddesses or spirits who embody the arts and inspire the creation process with their graces through remembered and improvised song and stage, writing, traditional music and dance. Not only are the Muses explicitly used in modern English to refer to an inspiration, as when one cites his/her own artistic muse, but they are also implicit in the words “amuse” or “musing upon”.” -Quoted from various reference material.

I have seven furry muses with four feet and a tail each. Their names are Mowgli, Bast, Cassa, Isis, Clarice, Ed, and my beloved Gabriel (a.k.a. Kitten). Ed and Bass are the most helpful. They find me wherever I am writing, usually on the couch, and they curl up and watch me. This may sound like nothing special for a cat, to sit upon a couch but trust me it is.

They don’t go to sleep, they just sit there and watch me- reminding me every time I look away that I need to keep focus or telling me none too gently to take a break with the seemingly innocent stretch and dig nails into leg approach. I’ll tell you now Eddy has some mighty big nails for a Siamese. They’ve even been kind enough to tell me when I’ve written plenty for the night by casually walking across the laptop (something they know better to do any other time) and missing every key but the power button. Kitten seems especially devilish in this field.

Sometimes, when I go a day or so too long without writing they give me a hint or two, or three, or four, …. Bass is excellent at this. I’ll be home sometimes doing nothing important and distracting myself or procrastinating in some way or another when Bass comes along. She’s such a lovey little kitty. I’ll bend down to pat her on the head or scratch her bum and instead of standing there she’ll run away like she is suddenly frightened but the trick is- she doesn’t run far. After about three or four feet she stops, looks at me, meows in that raspy voice of hers, and waits. Silly little human, I fall for it. I go to her and try again. And again. After the second or third time I see that I am either being lead to my laptop bag or the couch. She won’t settle for just one or the other. I must have both the laptop and the couch and of course my ritual game of hide and seek with the headphones and the five minutes of music searching and then here she comes. I pet her and she lays down happy once again. Goddess forbid if I get up. She follows me everywhere meowing and leading me until she can coax me back to the couch and computer.

Now you may be asking why I’m so off topic. First I was talking about muse and inspiration now I’m talking about being tricked by four footed creatures who poo in a sand box. Well after all of this has happened, if I ever get stumped within my plot I can look to my cats. Plot is 90% character after all, every move through plot is based on what your characters would do while maintaining their personalities. Well, with seven multi-personality cats running around scolding me when I don’t get any writing done I dare to say I can always look to them for advice on what one personality type or another might do in such and such situation. Don’t even get me started on the uses of cats if you’re writing about humor… that’s just too easy.

So, my tip for the day. If you want to be a writer. Get a cat, or a fish, or some sort of pet, a friend over might even work. Something that requires your attention now and again to drag you away or tell you when you’ve been at it too long or that knows what makes you happy and can tell you “Hey, go, sit, now- write!” The journey through writing doesn’t have to be alone. I’m not an expert but it’s working for me so far.

My Idea

September 14th, 2007

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Well, I finally figured out what I want to blog about. Not that I need a blog but it’s a good way to get the writing out of my head when I have nowhere else to put it. Not my typical prose and poetry but the random babble that sometimes bursts forth like right now. :) Anyways,- I was searching along Google, looking for some articles and such about “the writer’s life”. What it is like for some to be a writer as a profession. In the end it wasn’t what I needed though. I kept seeing writing from some already famous author or another and honestly I couldn’t relate to them. I just didn’t quite connect in the way I was hoping. I wanted to find an article showing someone who is new to the writing world, see those first impressions. After all that is what I’m after in my real life. To be a writer and to know that life. Well, I couldn’t find any. So, I’m going to write my own blog about what it’s like to be a writer. Mind you, I’m not a published scribe- yet, but I’m not stopping till I am one and when I am I’ll have this blog to show my journey and maybe help other aspiring writer’s along. Wish me luck.
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